i have hurt my husband really bad and i'm very sorry for what i have done to him and my two children. we are trying to work it out. i hope in time he can forgive me for what i have done to him. we have been married for ten years now going on 11 years. i have been seeing this other man for two years now. and about 1 month ago my hubsband found out. and he is very hurt over this. i never knew he really cared as much as he does. he moved out and then we started to see someone to help us out. and he moved back in , thank god. he lays there in bed at night and thinks of all the stuff that goes through a man head. i have tried to tell him all he needs to know, but need help and tring to help him out. what to do to make him feel like he is the only man for me

Actions speak much louder than words. I never realized how true this quote is. Now it means more than anything.

First and most important-are you still seeing the other man? If you are, your marriage will NEVER work. Have you told your H everything he wants to know? Are you willing to do all of the hard work in counseling to make this work?<p>This pain is all new to your H. It took me MONTHS to work thru it, and I do mean that literally. For us, a 9 mos separation worked, with counseling. It's been very hard and my H's lies made it even worse. If there is anything you are holding back, DON'T. Tell him everything, it's very important. I found out 6 years later and it's awful to deal with.<p>Good luck, stay in counseling. The book Torn Asunder and the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com are both very good and help the WS see why they need to feel their mate's pain. This helps to prevent future affairs.<p>Keep posting

maggierose, the other man that i was seeing is also married and he was found out too. my hubby called his wife. and the man that i had the affiar called me and told me to stick to the story and that he would save me and i would save him . well you know how that goes i told hubby only two weeks and he told his wife two years . i should have just came outr with it but, no i was so dumb. so now my h has to deal with my lies. and i hurt him so deep. i have talked to a lady and have told her some of the stuff that has happen. and my h keeps talking to the wiofe of the other man. and i don't think that is good . the lady said so too. we need to work on our marriage and not there's . i'm so sorry for what i have done to my h. can anyone help me out here and tell me what i need to do to help with cope with this? PLEASE HELP ME.

I really do not have an answer for you except to suggest that you put yourself in your husband's place. What would you want you husband to show to you if you found out that he was having sex with another woman for the past two years and putting your health at risk. How would you have felt that when he was confronted he said it was only two weeks but the OW admitted it was two years. How would you possible believe him when he says you are the only woman for him?
As you can see it sounds rather hollow. Two years is a long time to lie, cheat and have sex with another man and expect your husband to believe that you really love him. Would you believe it if the roles were reversed. I guess only time and counseling will hopefully heal in the long run. Your husband will hopefully forgive but he will never forget. You really have no idea the enormous pain he is in and the images in his mind he must face constantly. I wish you luck.

alr1224,<p>If you don't mind me asking what were your feelings for your H while you were having the affair? Did you ever have intentions of leaving your H? I ask because my H had an affair with a co-worker for 1 1/2 yrs and said he didn't love her and knew what he was doing was wrong but yet he continued to do it. He said he never planned to leave me but I don't understand why a person would do this unless they loved the other person and planned to leave. <p>As far as the pain your H feels, you'll never know. Not even if he went and had an affair on you because the marriage bond has already been broken. You would only know if you managed to save the marriage and think everything was ok and later on found out he did have an affair. But I would guess the pain still wouldn't equal what you had did. <p>You may want to pick up some books about infidelity, they should help you. But please understand your husband is in a place no one should have to experience. I can't even describe the pain one feels. I just know I can't stop crying because it hurts so bad that my H would hurt me this way. Even if it wasn't intentionally, if you know it's wrong then someone will get hurt.

You'll never understand the pain. It is the most unbearable thing ever. It is worse than if you were to die. What has been the most upsetting thing to me, is I understand that I helped create a place where this pain could even be possible. I helped create the death in my marriage. <p>The thing that will help your H the most if he can see how truly sorry you are. In my situation...my wife shows zero remorse. I think it's too early in our situation for her to fully understand what has happened. I think when she comes out of the fog she will be very disapointed with herself. If not, I still want to someday be able to forgive her...weather she chooses to be forgiven or not. I know deep down that she is really not being true to herself. She is not being the person she really wants to be. That person...is not capable of the pain she has inflicted.<p>Stay strong, and have faith in your marriage.

strongerthanyesterday,
i have no feeling for the om, i think it was just the thrill of it. i now look back at this whole thing and can't belive i put myself and my family in this whole mess. the om just told his wife that all it was just a peice of meat. boy that a slap in the face. i now feel like a slut. i wished this whole thing would have never happen. but it has and i have to deal with it. i'm sorry that you are going through this. hope your marriage will work out. and i also hope my marriage will work out too. but i know i have to deal with it if it does not. good luck to you

alr,<p>thank you for being honest. That is exactly what my H said. The OW was paying alot of attention to him, something I couldn't because of our schedule(me on 1st, H on 2nd). She pursued him and finally he gave in. Said he didn't want to continue but the thrill of getting away with it keep it going, then I became sick and he felt terrible and wanted badly to end it but she threatened to tell me and continued to haunt him. The counselor also said once they get started they are difficult to get out of. I do believe we will stay together, we also have been married 11 yrs next month. The most important thing to me is my H showing me he is sorry for what he did. What helps as well is that you stick in there for the bumping ride ahead. The emotions your H will go through are very confusing and you and he may feel like giving up, that would be easy but if you really want to save your M, keep fighting for it and hang in there. I know we have been to hell and not quite back yet and still my H hasn't given up. I know he truly loves me because of this. I know it would be so much easier for him to walk out the door.<p>To help your husband I suggest getting some books. I've read several and I suggest The Monogamy Myth by Peggy & James Vaughn it is on tape as well. You can get it by going to her website www.dearpeggy.com. Her website is very very helpful too! She has a tremendous amount of information regarding infidelity. I also read Torn Asunder which was very good as well. These books help alot I also had my H listen to the tapes for The Monogamy Myth. The first step in working this out is to understand everything you & your H can about affairs.<p>Good luck. Best wishes,
sty

STY,
HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY. IT HAS BEEN VERY HARD TO GO THROUGH THIS. I WOULD NEVER WANT TO CAUSE THIS MUCH PAIN TO ANYONE AGAIN IN MY LIFE. WE ARE HAVING GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS. I'M JUST SO SORRY FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE TO HIM. I'M DOING EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE HE IS THE ONLY MAN FOR ME AGAIN. IN OUR FRIST YEARS OF MARRIAGE IT WAS GREAT. THEN WE HAD KIDS AND ATHE TIME GOES TO THEM AND YOU I PUT HUBBY IN THE REAR. AND HE STARTED TO PLAY BALL AND GUYS STUFF AND WE GROW APART. AND THEN THIS MAN CAME ALONG AND TOLD ME WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR AND I FELL FOR IT. I GUESS THERE IS A LOT OF FACTORS WHAT WENT WRONG IN MY MARRIAGE. WE GOT MARRIED RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND I WAS ONLY 19. AND THEN HAD MY FRIST MY FIRST CHILD AT 21 . DIDN'T HAVE TIME WITH JUST HIM. BUT WE ARE MAKING THE TIME NOW FOR EACH OTHER. AND HOPE WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS TIME IN OUR LIFE THAT IS NOT SO GOOD. I'M GOING TO WAIT ON HIM TILL THE END OF TIME IF THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO TI SAVE OUR MARRIAGE. CAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I KNOW YOU MIGHT BE THINKING IF I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THEN HOW COULD I DO THIS TO HIM? I GOT INTO SOMETHING I COULDN'T GET OUT OF AND IT TOOK SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO WAKE ME UP AND SEE WHAT I HAD IN FRONT OF ME. THANKS FOR CHATTING I THIS THIS WEB SITE IS A VERY GOOD ONE. THANKS FOR TELLING ME ABOUT THE BOOS AND TAPES.

alr,<p>My day is going so/so, I've been pretty depressed the last few weeks. We've been doing better, it's just I can't seem to get over the fact he did it. I learned how and why intelectually from the books seems it is very easy to happen and the statistics are 80% of marriages so I get that. It's just the emotional part that hurts. Seems your situation is almost a mirror image of ours. We married young I was 21, H 23 and we had our son 9 months later. It will be 11 yrs soon. Because of babysitter reasons he had to take the 2nd shift job 3 yrs ago. I guess seeing each other only on weekends took its toll. But he quit immediately when I found out. He was relieved to get out of that environment and away from her. <p>Don't give up.

sty,
i'm sorry that you and my hubby are going through this. but i know me and your hubby will try to make in all better in time. i know it will take a very long time for your heart to heal. i hope it does . we talk just about every night now. where before we didn't. i'm glad for this. my h ask me all kinds of questions and i try to tell him . but i don't want to tell him details cause he see me om in his mind all the time. i wished all of this would have never happen. the om wifes talks to my h , and i don't think that is very good for us. what do you think??? i think we should be working on our marriage and not there's .

I wouldn't think that would be a good idea. She might try to hurt you with lies regarding the A. I know when I found out, I wanted to do anything possible to her the OW. I think you should tell your H what he wants to know. And whatever you do, don't lie. You have to have honest communication that is the key (The Monogamy Myth). If you are telling him the truth, and she makes things up or tells a different story it will make matters worse. I'd tell him the importance of him not communicating with her. Maybe he would feel better if he used this forum as well. <p>Regarding details, I wanted it all, it was like I had to build the puzzle of the A to get a better understanding. The details helped me because the picture was much different than I had thought. I thought it was love affair and actually it was sex in the backseat of a car.<p>Hope I helped.
STY

I agree, even though it was hard knowing the details...it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined. Our minds go crazy thinking everything was so picture perfect. I was upset to find out he gave her flowers, a card, held her hand (not at all affectionate with me) but he said the sex was awful. I needed to hear that. Please consider telling him anything he feels he needs to know. If you read that article "Shattered Vows" you'll see why it's necessary for his healing. Good luck

sty,
just wanted to heck up on you to see how you are doing? i hope a little better. last night h and me got on here together and read some stuff and i think that is a good sign. i told him that he should even get on here and read what other people are going through. thanks again for your help. have a good day.

ALR,<p>You've gotten some really good advice so far. I think it is very important for you to be honest with your H. If he asks the question, you should answer it. I know my H did not want to answer those questions at first either. I think it was because he did not want to make things worse than they already were. But, remember, that the BS can imagine things that are 10 times worse than anything that happened in real life. And your reluctance to answer those questions and help your spouse through his pain might indicate to him a lack of commitment to the M. I know in my case, I felt I deserved the truth and that my H should have to face up to the truth -- if he was strong enough to have done it in the first place, he should be strong enough to face the consequences. I needed the truth and if there was something in the truth that I would find so repellant that I would not want to be with my H anymore, than I deserved to be the one to be able to make that decision. By hiding the truth and being unwilling to answer questions you are really protecting yourself, not looking out for your Hs feelings. You cannot control him. You have to do the best you can do and hope your M can survive.<p>FYI, the truth was much less painful (although it was still incredibly painful) than things I has imagined.<p>Read the 4 rules of protection for the BS. Telling the absolute truth is one of them. I wouldn't be that worried about your OMW at this point. Maybe you H feels he needs to talk to her to be able to check up to see if you are telling him the truth. After all, when you had the chance once before you lied to him. If you are consistent and stick to the truth, eventually your H will regain trust in you.<p>You should encourage your H to come here and post. It helps to know you are not alone. This site is for both BS and WS and there are many compassionate, caring people that try to help.<p>Good luck. Be strong and comitted and you can make it.<p>FHO

FHO,
i have told him what he wants to know about this. and i'm not protecting myself. i just don't think the details will help, like where we did it or that stuff. he already is having trouble now and don't need to see that in his mind. he was on here last night and we was reading a lot of this and he thought it was a very good web site. snd i hope he will get on here and look around.

ALR,<p>I am not trying to be harsh with you, but only he can decide if the details will help or not. My H did not want to give them to me either. But when he was finally willing, just the idea that he would do whatever I thought I needed to recover was enough to make a big LB$. I strongly recommend the article Shattered Vows. You can find it at www.findarticles.com. It really goes into why it is important for the BS to have all their questions answered. It is kind of like trying to get an understanding of a traumatic event that happens in your life -- I think she compares it to a tornado or something. You need to understand exactly what happened, revisit the site, so that you can put it in perspective to be better able to deal with it. <p>You say that you don't think it will help him to know the details. You are making a decision for him. You cannot control him. This is actually a very important concept of this site and that is that you should not judge what the other person needs. If you H says he needs this, then you should give it to him. Just your willingness to do this -- cause yourself pain and feelings of guilt -- will help your H realize how sorry you are for the terrible choices you made. <p>When my H finally agreed to answer any questions I had and that I had a right to know, it really helped me. Surprisingly, I did not have as many questions as he thought I would. Also, after he agreed, I told him that I really did not want him to volunteer details, just please answer the questions I had, that I would ask questions when I was strong enough to be able to hear the answers.<p>Talking about the A and answering your Hs questions should not be about him making you feel guilty. He needs to remember not to LB and needs to provide a safe environment in which you can feel able to share the truth with him. The reason the truth is so important is that you need to start to rebuild your Hs trust in you. By sharing the whole truth you will be starting on a level playing field with your H -- there will be no later potholes to get you as you travel the road of recovery.<p>JMHO, FHO.

Actually, he has a right to know whatever he feels he needs to know. Like where you 'did it' because if it's somewhere he's gone with you, he probably will never want to go there again. My H and ex best friend 'did it' at 2 local parks where I won't set foot now. Of course I didn't now they 'did it' in my bed or I wouldn't have slept there for the past 6 years.<p>You can't imagine the pain the BS goes thru, so please don't make decisions for him. Good luck

maggierose,
i have told him what he wants to know. i think i should not go into details on what we did or how we did it. he is ok with that. he does not really want to know . hope you are doing well today. we are going on a date tonight we have not done that in 10 years . we are looking forward to our time with out the kids. thatnks for telling me what you think.