I had a previous post and I am trying to figure out what is best,, for my piece of mind or just pride.<p>She has said if I ask she will tell me a name and about him. (Non-gory Details)<p>First off,, I am not violent by nature and I hold no ill towards the OM. It takes 2 too Tango. But here be what I am considering:<p>I am very protective of my Family. This OM knows my name,, where I work,, WW's car and License,, and we are in the Phone Book. I know squat about him. I have a few friends in Law Enforcement that can help me make sure he is non-violent or has any record.<p>I guess being ex-military I have always lived by the creed of Know your enemy,, though I KNOW he isnt an ENEMY,, I do think he is a viable or COULD be a viable threat.<p>Suggestions????

debubu:<p>by all means, ask your W for his name and a little about him. You will probably need to eventually know some details as well, most people do. it all helps put things into perspective, and for me helps to figure out what I did to contribute to setting up the conditions in our M that led my WW to make her decision to have the A. In the end, I'm finding out I wasn't all that bad a H, that much of her description of what was wrong with our R is due to her need to rationalize having the A. <p>It's good that you don't think you're a violent person. Getting violent won't solve anything. You don't even need to ever talk to or see the OM. He really isn't an issue, so long as your W has severed contact with him completely and is devoted to working on your M. <p>Good luck to you.

If u DONT ask....then in time it may become an issue of ......who the hell is he? like in public...getting to feel like ANY man was the man. When i first told my H about OM i lied and said it was "just a guy" when infact it was a man i had known for 2 yrs and had been cheating with all along. <p>anyhow...ask the quesiton. hopefully it isnt someone u know.<p>mercy

dedubu,<p>You got to ask and if she didn't tell you could get it. It is a fair game. I know more about OM's true color than my WW. I only start w/ a cell number.<p>Snooping/sleuthing are required to do research on OM ... who knows if OM has AID or a drug addict. My WW didn't tell 'cause he is still married.<p>Good luck -RH-

WW has been VERY forthcoming Open and Honest about everything. It is as if she needed an EA and ended up PA. <p>I can sadly but yet honestly say we are drawing closer,, I guess circling the wagons so to speak. We have our rough times,,, I didnt sleep for more than 30 some odd hours and Have almost Nil appetite. <p>It is as if she realizes she doesnt really care about OM,,, I dont understand,, if connection was there to go PA,, then did guilt drive it away??<p>Its rough and I cant tell U all how nice it is to here the different ideas and opinions.<p>
Thanks

My WH had his PA with a long time friend. It lasted 4 months and there were 5 occassions during those 4 months. I had to know immediately the name of the OW. It made me sick that he had to leave the room with his cell phone because he had promised her that he would tell her first, if I insisted on knowing who she was. They were both worried I would physically hurt them. Not an option for me to strike out physically. Not that I don't want both of them to twist in agony in guilt and pain over their actions. My H said that he stopped the A because although "it" was good; the bad feelings he felt ruined it for him. He said once he was "done" he couldn't get out of there fast enough; it made him nauseated. Poor darling NOT!! Knowing info helps me process the pain. Others may have recommended the article "Shattered Vows" found in findarticles.com It has been invaluable helping me understand and process. It's a long article 22 pages, but well written from Psychology Today Magazine. Good Luck, it's helped me tremendously to post here and read. Also writing in a journal helps get the garbage out of my mind. Thanks, CSue

dedubu,<p>Read between the line, o'k ?. My WW said she could dump OM anytime ... yeah, right ... then why file a DV ?. At this stage, deceit and confusion are the name of the game. Relay on snooping and the facts ... take a closer look at WS's actions rather than words. WS will say anything to make themself feel good and look good, that is what we call it in the fog.<p>You need to get rest and eat good ... remember you need a clear head and more than a healthy body to fight this. In the beginning of D-day, I took sleeping pills to help me to sleep & stomach relaxer med. , then now I took paxil to help me out. I went to my favorite restaurants to help my appetite, bring my 2 D around to eat out to get me to eat too. My WW doesn't give a d@mn about me and my 2 D, I will have to take care of me & 2 D. You should do the same to take care of yourself. Get busy w/ your favorite activities and also pick up a new one.<p>Hang in tight ... -RH-

YES, US WS ARE MASTERMIND DECEIVERS, ARENT WE? <p>yes well, i said i didnt care a two flock of crap for the OM either and it iwas a lie. Period. i said WHATEVER it took to get my H off my back. If he didnt want to hear i had feelings, then i didnt tell him i had feelings. It was that simple. (NOT) it was bad enough i had ripped his heart out with a dull knife, never mind add more injury to the situation. I never even admitted to the sexual side of the relationship for 9 months. He KNEW, but i didnt admit it.<p>soo, if u choose to believe her, then be prepared for future problems. As long as there is lies, there is no true healing.<p>mercy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by CSue:
<strong>...Others may have recommended the article "Shattered Vows" found in findarticles.com </strong><hr></blockquote><p>CSue, thanks for the article and website [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Hey,<p>Thanks for the bluntness, and the insight to the different experiences everyone has had. Both as victims and victimizers.<p>Does it make sense if I say I choose to believe her because she has seemed to be forth right. But I am also keeping my wits about me for any inconsitancies. It hurts and at times my anger flairs. But she has answered all questions with bluntness and often times with sadness. <p>She has said things to me that hurt and wound deeply. And yes feeling like my heart was cut out.
But in bluntness lies reality and in hurt lies the truth. She knows she is free to go if she wishes.<p>As far as Trust,, that is also an issue I face. But I cant and wont lock her away. Schedule her every move. I think that would build resentment and possibly another Riff that I dont need in our way.<p>I figure SHE is the one that will have to make me feel like the trust can be rebuilt. Lord knows I have done some [censored] things in my life as a teenager and in prior relationships. In some cases the Trust was thrown back in my face and stomped on,, in other cases I broke the trust again.<p>But the fact is that we are all adults, we dont live in the Afghan Taliban and I cant shoot her and him for what they have done. Not that I would anyway. And though my anger and even rage sometimes appear and well up inside me it will do no good to lash out.<p>Understand,, I Love this woman and I feel there is a lot of good we can both have and Happiness to be found. But I will not tolerate a second trust breakage. Basically it is all or none type deal. If she contacts again, I dont think I can handle it and I will have to deal with it. <p>As someone once said "Any man can do anything they want to anyone they want,, as long as they are willing to sacrifice all"<p>If she wants to seek him out there is nothing I can do about it exept let her know what she is putting on the line.<p>And in case I havent said it. She has given me ALL the info on him and any detail I ask.<p>[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: dedubu ]</p>

I believe what my H is saying at this point. He has fortunately/unfortunately been brutally honest to every question I have asked. And I have asked for many many intimate details. I feel to know is better than to wonder because I can heal what I know hopefully. H also knows I will not tolerate anything less than total openness and honesty regarding past details, or any future attempt to contact by the OW. We are ready to begin the recovery process. I need to take a deep breath and start working on the EN. We have every chance of working this out and have such tremendous potential. He's really a great guy; it's partly what is so heartbreaking about this for me. I have difficulty with the betrayal part and how he could actually carryout the A. It just doesn't seem real. I was so completely fooled not only during the time of the A, but for the 4 years he kept the lie. Pretty good liar huh? He says never again will there be an A; he is so guilty and depressed about the pain he has seen me go through. It was His Needs Her Needs that convinced him that telling me was the right thing to do and that our marriage would survive. So I guess I am lucky in that he already believes in the principles of MB and willing to work through the steps with me. I am still on a roller coaster, not believing that I look the same on the outside but so changed on the inside. Well I think if I put some effort into the EN I will feel some peace. Thanks for listening! CSue

Csue,<p>Yep,, this is exactly what I mean. The more, all be it not the GORY details, I know,, the better I can relate and handle it because it is NOT a secret or hidden. I may ask for some specific details later on, but I dont know how making myself sick over the PA aspect of things is gonna help squat.<p>As we discussed last night I wont hang this over her head other than to use as a tool for making sure we stay on track.<p>Love is a ***** sometimes. But I believe in the vows of Better or Worse. I have had the better and am dealing with the worse. And cant wait for the BEST yet to come. At least we are gonna work that way.<p>Seems we in opposite boats on same river. We both seem to see the potential in the Spouses,, lest we wouldnt have married them. Hang in there,, sometimes its all I can do to not break down,, but then she holds me tight,, helps get me through,, and if she can still do that,, then we have a good shot,,, only time now

My H has been kind, compassionate, and patient as I have processed all the crazy feelings going on inside. Sometimes he has to call a time-out when he gets overloaded with intense feelings. He'll come back to me later and say "Ok, I can continue to listen again". Neither one of us are telling any friends or family. We feel we'd rather not be judged; him-guilt, me-failure to keep him happy. We'll do counseling soon; however I am not looking forward to that. It's ironic that after he ended the A 4 years ago; that's when he decided we should have marriage counseling. He never mentioned the A in counseling; however I had so much personal work to do that what I learned is what started us on the road to a better marriage. The last 4 years have been really good; which is one of the reasons I am struggling so now. In a sense we did the work 4 years ago right after the A ended and we've been in such a much better place sense then. It may have been better for me to know then of the A; what I would do to be 4 years down the road from d-day now. Oh well, that wasn't meant to be. I do wonder what of the last 4 years is real vs illusion. That's part of the truth that will need to come out in the future. I'm bothered that he was able to sit through so much marriage counseling and never mention the A. Paying that kind of money and not being honest & open is something of a greater offense. I'm going to have a long road back to trust. He is determined to do all he can to help me heal. I am grateful for this especially after reading so many posts where I see my situation not being as desperate as others. The courage I read about in these posts; and the kindness of others has been inspiring. Helps keep me sane when I can see what others have been through and come out on the other side.