Hi, I replied in other parts, but I will here too.
Cairns was awsome. I have never, ever had so much fun, or such a great holiday. I was free. I did what I pleased, when I pleased, how I pleased. Dranked as much or as little as I wanted, ate properly, didn't eat properly and noone was there to tell me what to bloody do.<p>I walked into Cairns every evening and back to my hostel each night. I've never felt so safe. Its such a different lifestyle, so relaxed, so easy. I liked that noone told me to be careful or that I shouldn't walk alone - I just bloody did it, and it was MY CHOICE. <p>Because there are so many backpackers, its easy to talk to people. I met so many people and have two new friends (both female) who I will keep in contact with. I went for drinks after the diving course, which is something I've never done, I really enjoyed it. <p>The diving was just amazing. I now have my open water certificate! I had two instructors who were about 23 yo, both male, and real good fun to be around, but I have this stupid H that I'm in love with (and I really don't know why) so no other man seems to stand a chance right now. (As you can see I'm not in a very good frame of mind at the moment I feel sorry for myself).<p>After these few days, in which I totally forgot every problem I had and which I was totally relaxed and now have a really great tan, I went to Brisbane. Caught up with two friends. Then MIL called and gave me the third degree about where I was (she actually asked me where I was at that very moment), who I was with and who I would be keeping in contact with from Cairns. I don't know what brought it all on, but I was not very impressed at all. I rang H about it, which I now realise was a big mistake, and he sent me an sms saying to leave him alone, and stop playing games. I had no idea what it all meant, but he called about an hour ago and told me he was annoyed, etc, etc. I think its sorted, but I'm a real mess now.<p>I really really really did not want to come home. I really really really want to go away again. I even tried to change my flights but couldn't. I am going to see if I can get some time off work and go up north again for 6 months. Just get casual work and do the backpacker thing for a while. I realised when I was there, that that's what I want to do, just for a little while. It was a real confidence boost to just start talking to someone and have a great conversation, to look after myself (and survive) and to not have to answer to anyone. So while H is sorting his stuff out in his bachelor pad, I will sort mine out on the road.<p>There's a couple of things that scare me. One is I won't ever want to come back, the other is H may not be here if I do come back, but I will regret it if I don't do it now.<p>I'm so worn out guys, I was so relaxed and in control and then reality hit me for a six again. I'm really having trouble dealing with it, the pain, the crying. I want Cairns again, I want relaxation I want warmth and sunshine (its cold and rainy here in Sydney).<p>I am so disappointed that all this crap happened (with MIL and H), and on the last day of my holiday. But it will never wipe out what fun I had in Cairns, that was just the best.<p>The coral was so beautiful, the fish were amazing. I had a little panic attack (actually it was a big one) when I first went under the water with the regulator in, but mind over matter (and my darling young instructor) managed to calm me down and I finally got down under the water and saw some stuff that really makes you believe in god. I've got a new hobby and I'm looking for a dive club. Problem is, with separating financially from H and go backpacking, I probably won't be able to afford it.<p>So here I am again and wondering what the hell I'm doing here.
