For the last one year, I going through most difficult time of my life. This is all due to my own actions of the past. A situation developed, which compelled me to disclose to my wife (of last 26 years) that I have been unfaithful to her involving two different women while away from home on official business. <p>Ever since, these disclosures, as expected my wife is going through cocktails of emotions. At first she wanted to divorce me and later decided to defer this for sometime. What she wanted from me is truth and nothing but truth. I have disclosed to her about my past indiscretion, I could have easily denied these. But I felt, at some point of my life, I must be open and face the consequences. <p>The latest fad of my wife is acting as an investigator. I have told her about the two ladies with whom I had intimate physical relationship ( while I was away from home). She wants me to remember every details and repeat the events again and again. She is very distressed and disappointed and feels she has wasted her 26 years with an unfaithful spouse. I have been telling her that when I have already disclosed the ultimate what significance the details have, which makes her very angry. <p>I have told her repeatedly that I have broken the sacred vows I made and willing to face all the eventualities for this. Since, I am at fault and she is the wronged party, I will honor her call. She is undecided about the course of action she wants to take. She still loves me and cares for me. She gets disturbed if I do not eat in time or skip a meal or eat little etc. <p>I would like to emphasize here, that I love my wife very dearly and extremely sorry and repentant for causing her this immense hurt by my past actions. I have promised to her that she can be rest assured these two incidents were due to my lack of control of my sexual urges and would not be repeated. Moreover, these happened many years back in the past and I have no contact with the ladies in question. <p>I am submitting some questions, which has cropped up in my mind, as answers to these will enable me to take the right steps towards reconciliation of our marriage. <p>1. . As these incidents took place many years back ( 1981 and 1989). Therefore, at times my answers have some minor variations from what I said last time and then I am accused of being a liar? Should I keep on repeating the same answers time and again ? <p>2. My wife says she still loves me, but she feels I do not love her enough Or else how could I have intimate physical relationships with someone else. Is it possible for a man to love his own spouse and still slip up? ( when I was younger and need to be purely physical?) <p>3. Most of our talking sessions ends up with outburst of anger (mostly from her side), what should I do? I do write her mail time to time and in these I continue to reaffirm my love for her. Should I continue this mode of communication? <p>4. My wife married me in spite of gulf of difference in our social standing and she stood by me in very difficult phase of our early married life. She could have easily walked out of my life and get much better spouse at that stage ( our first child was only born then). She feels very much betrayed and is very much justified to do so. I have tried to tell her that living in the past, none of us will benefit and she seems to agree. But she says, every time she wakes up, she imagines me having sexual acts with these two women, whom she does not even know. She also admits, she has tried to get these thoughts away from her without much success. Now she wants me to take her to the cities where these incidents took place and wants to snoop around. If I deny, she threatens to end the marriage. Should I conform to her desire? <p>5. I have told her even if she decides to end the alliance, I will ensure her financial security and her living standard will not be effected at all. She refuses to either go for a therapy or even confide in someone. Thus, as a result she is brooding over the subject day in day out inside. I am very worried about her wellbeing and want her to seek outside help ( Professional/Family/Friend). I do not want her to come to any harm. I always want her to be happy, well secured in life with or without me. How can I convince her to seek external help? <p>6. Just for your information, I do not have any "Other Woman" in my life. I am trying to reform myself and started undergoing Yogic practices to retain my mental and physical balance besides, becoming strict vegetarian and giving up alcohol ( nearly two years prior to the disclosure). Even these steps are agitating her. What should I do? Continue, my practices or not? <p>Any other input that come from your side will be highly appreciated. With best personal regards. <p>Ash

Thank you for your honesty, and commitment to rebuilding your marriage. You will find a lot of helpful information here. I know exactly how your wife feels, although the circumstances are quite different. My H's affair was with my former best friend, neighbor, my H's employee and the wife of his best friend. It happened 6 years ago and they both said that it was emotional only, that NOTHING happened. <p>It was horrible anyway. He moved out and pursued her. Went to a lawyer to see about divorcing me (all around our 10th anniversary), etc. He almost lost his business over it. Our friendship was never resolved or restored.<p>Just 8 mos ago I found out that they lied, it was sexual. Including IN MY HOUSE and MY BED which has devastated me. I was her matron of honor just 6 mos before this occured. I was doing better dealing with it because I went on medication, and then I got pregnant and had to stop the medicine. It's been awful. Finding out years later is such a slap in the face. You feel like everything that happened between you during that time was a big fat lie.<p>For us, a 9 mos separation helped. I didn't have to be subjected to his 'fog' and he didn't have to listen to my ranting. I made some very good friends, we both went to counseling, started dating and ended up getting back together. We have gone to counseling together off and on since then. We are supposed to be done in about a month, working thru the truth about the affair.<p>I don't think things will get much better for your marriage if she won't go to counseling. If she refuses, you need to go alone. If she sees you working to improve yourself and your marriage, it will probably convince her to go. I don't think our marriage would have survived without it. My H had the affair, but I ended up counseling about a year longer than he did. It's very helpful. <p>As far as her dwelling on this goes, is she on any medication? I find I get much more intense about this without the antidepressant. It helped my mind not to go over the same things again and again. I was caught in a cycle of obsessive thought, and still am somedays.<p>I strongly suggest you read Torn Asunder and encourage her to do the same. Also, the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com does a great job of explaining why your wife needs to know details. It sounds counterproductive, but not knowing, at least for me, is much worse.<p>It's a good sign that she is still with you, and loves you. It will be VERY hard for both of you but I'm glad you told her. My H promised his lover he'd never tell so only told in counseling when 'forced' to by the counselor. I feel like he had a bond with the other woman that whole 6 years when he lied to protect her.<p>Good luck and keep posting. Also, have you done the emotional needs questionaires? I think that would help both of you.

ash,
Welcome to MB. You have come to the right site trying to save your M. You will get a lot of support here as long as you are trying to save M. Your input will be valuable to other BS.<p>First and formost, go through Basic concept and learn as much as and as fast as you can about MB. From habit&behavior to EN, LB, LB$, plan A/plan B to 4 rules of recovery. Read Harley's book HNHN and SAA however most the information are in this website too. Follow the link of General Welcome under my signature it will educate you about MB.<p>Let me attempt to give my opinion on your questions, for advice you should seek professional MC, that is Steve or Jennifer Harley, their number is listed on this website. I consule with Steve regularly trying to save my M.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ash:
<strong>1. . As these incidents took place many years back ( 1981 and 1989). Therefore, at times my answers have some minor variations from what I said last time and then I am accused of being a liar? Should I keep on repeating the same answers time and again ?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, you have to answer the best you can and let her know that those are 20 years ago they will be some distortions and you try your best to remember them. Under my signature there is a link to 5 stages of greive ... she is in angry stage. You have to calm her down with openly and honestly going through over and over again. Patience, time and consistency are the key here.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>2. My wife says she still loves me, but she feels I do not love her enough Or else how could I have intimate physical relationships with someone else. Is it possible for a man to love his own spouse and still slip up? ( when I was younger and need to be purely physical?) </strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, all of us are sinner. All of us are prone to A. The only different between BS and WS is WS choose to act upon it and BS is avoiding and guarding from it. Under the right condition, A could happen. We all have our selfishness, we all wanted to be happy. Only which path we choose to get it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>3. Most of our talking sessions ends up with outburst of anger (mostly from her side), what should I do? I do write her mail time to time and in these I continue to reaffirm my love for her. Should I continue this mode of communication? </strong><hr></blockquote>
When outburst comes .. you walk out from discussion. Stop talking and let her know that you are willing to continue to talk to her later when she is calm down. In SAA there is a chapter on how to make it safe on "talking", follow the rule.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>4. My wife married me in spite of gulf of difference in our social standing and she stood by me in very difficult phase of our early married life. She could have easily walked out of my life and get much better spouse at that stage ( our first child was only born then). She feels very much betrayed and is very much justified to do so. I have tried to tell her that living in the past, none of us will benefit and she seems to agree. But she says, every time she wakes up, she imagines me having sexual acts with these two women, whom she does not even know. She also admits, she has tried to get these thoughts away from her without much success. Now she wants me to take her to the cities where these incidents took place and wants to snoop around. If I deny, she threatens to end the marriage. Should I conform to her desire? </strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, those are ammends that you could offer to her. You have to understand that she needs to heal. Right now you could offer her the support and understanding.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>5. I have told her even if she decides to end the alliance, I will ensure her financial security and her living standard will not be effected at all. She refuses to either go for a therapy or even confide in someone. Thus, as a result she is brooding over the subject day in day out inside. I am very worried about her wellbeing and want her to seek outside help ( Professional/Family/Friend). I do not want her to come to any harm. I always want her to be happy, well secured in life with or without me. How can I convince her to seek external help? </strong><hr></blockquote>
Show her this website and ask her to read SAA.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>6. Just for your information, I do not have any "Other Woman" in my life. I am trying to reform myself and started undergoing Yogic practices to retain my mental and physical balance besides, becoming strict vegetarian and giving up alcohol ( nearly two years prior to the disclosure). Even these steps are agitating her. What should I do? Continue, my practices or not? </strong><hr></blockquote>
Good for you, you should continue doing it unless it become LB to her.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Any other input that come from your side will be highly appreciated. With best personal regards. </strong><hr></blockquote>
Print out LBQ, ENQ and RAQ ... two sets of them. Ask her to fill in one set and you the other set then put a side time to talk about it. If she refuses it, you could fill in her set by guessing. Try to remember what she said about your effort and fine tune it ... this is plan A. Basicaly you have to gain her trust ... when she say jump, your answer will be "how high ?". With time you will gain her trust and start a recovery.<p>Print this out and gave it to her:<p>Dear Mrs ash.<p>Please learn about MB and also read most of the posts in this section. You will see that many BS like yourself trying to save our M. Life is too short to live a stale M, this MB will bring a fullfiling M. Many has travel this road and be able to recover and happy and have a better M than before A. Many will give anything to be in your position, many of us facing unrepent WS and in the verge of Dv, many of us greive days in and out ...<p>If you are a Christian, remember that HE gave us a gift of salvation. By His grace you should forgive your H and try to work on M. You know you have a chooice to Dv your H, adultry is the only ground that you could use to Dv your H. However if you do not choose that path you should try to work on M. You should not have anger in your heart before dusk, pray for His guidance and ask Him to teach you forgiveness. Make the Lord as the center in your M. MB is inline w/ our beleive. We have comanded to fullfill ENs of our spouse ! ... read 1 Cor 13:4-7, it is about love.<p>The path of recovery is very narrow, seek help, either here, counseling w/ MB or any avenue that you feel safe. You have the chance to rebuild your M ... read up on HNHN and SAA and follow 4 rules of recovery.<p>God Bless you.
-RH-<p>[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>