Without going into too much detail, I just recently found out that W was having some sort of reltionship with another M. She had private email address, calling cards, and not sure what else was in the works (Ithink they were planning on meeting for dinner). W tries to tell me that they were just friends. After hacking into her email and calling OM, I know it was more than a friendship (nothing P, only talking). I should say from OM's standpoint that he intended it to be more. W denies that was his intentions. Not sure why she defends him on this issue. Well W and I have seemed to cleared up this whole matter and she no longers speaks with OM. At least I think.<p>I have been contemplating installing a software to track her emails from her new private account. Of course OM knows this email address as well. I should also say that they had some words between them and she was furious with what he said about her. She basically told him off and wants nothing to do with him anymore. <p>Should I install something on my computer or just let trust take over instead? I am still having some difficulty in believing her when she says it was only a friendship and nothing more. Not very happy with her defending him and making it look ike it was my fault for keeping her relationship with OM so quiet.<p>Install software yes or no?<p>What kinds of software is out there for tracking info on computers?<p>If someone has a software would they Fedex it to my work and I will pay for the charges??<p>Thanks for all your help everybody!!!!!

Wow.... That's my story friend... I was thinking of the software also... then I thought to myself.. "Isn't this too much energy to be spending?"
What I am trying to say... is that you have to chose ONE ROAD .... You either let it go and trust her AND God... or you decide that she is still a liar and a cheat and deal with it on that basis...
Don't try to live in two houses.. it doesn't work...<p>Will

Hey WW,<p>That was my thought exactly. Sometimes I think I might be going overboard with doing something like this. Trying to live like this would be difficuly Emotionally. I'm not sure if I can bring myslef to this point in our relationship. W and I have been married for 9 years and have 2 small kids. Cannot really see her jeapordizing everything for someone she barely knows and he is thousands of miles away. Our relationship never changed during this whole thing, so that leaves me to wonder if this realtionship with OM was really friendship or what? He was going overboard with his emails, but not to the point that it was sexual. <p>What happened to you or what did you find out about your W?

well...that is my story as well. However, I took the trust road for awhile. I was still very supicious and finally did a little more computer research and found out what my worst nightmare was - she was still seeing him, and now it had become a PA.<p>I would say follow your gut...mine always seems to be right.<p>You are lucky if you have caught it now, and stopped what may have happened. I would suggest you start taking a look at the practices here and start learning how to meet your wife's EN's. If you can start doing that...she won't be intrested in the OM.

Hey J,<p>My W is a little more computer savy since I found out. Not sure if she deletes emails or what, but she makes sure that no history shows of her going into her hotmail account. Her regular email account I can get full access too. She wanted a seperate email account for whatever reason. She says that if I want to see it then I can. I just say no that's alright. Plus she would delete anything that is suspicous. <p>What are you using for snooping techniques? Instead of buying software, maybe their are other ways to find out. <p>I did eventually call the OM. He was taken back by my phone call. He basically said that W was more interested in him than he was of her. Found that very odd for him to say. Plus he first said that they were only friends and he would never fool around with a married W. From what his emails said, his story does not checkout. WHen I told W about what he said, she was ticked. She did calll him the next day and screamed at him and that she never wants to talk with him again. <p>What to do????

tell ya what...let's move this to email. I work with computers for a living and I can help you out. let me know your email address.<p>Besides...we are going to kinda of the same thing...maybe we can help each other.

Hey J,<p>Where can I send you my email?

post it here if you can....?<p>If not, I can go create a temp hotmail accout. I just don't want to post my primary one here, just yet.

How can I do that so that it will not be public knowledge to this site?

Installing the software might help you discover if your spouse is cheating. But you already know there are big problems and that your spouse has already gone outside your relationship to meet her needs. She may not realize that. I encourage you to read Dr. Harley's material, especially HNHN. Unless you both "fall in love" again, it is just a matter of time until it is over.

I'm wondering if you have had counseling for this? Don't just sweep it under the rug, it comes back much worse later. Your wife was involved in an emotional affair that may very well have turned physical. Something is missing in her or your marriage for her to do this.
You can track her now, but it's important to know WHY it happened and treat that. Good luck

something wrong...I also agree with the other posts...you also have to figure out and understand why this is happening. However, at this point you also have a right to know if she is telling the truth or not. If you are like me, you have zero trust in her. Tracking her on the computer will either help with starting to rebuild that trust or let you know that you can still not trust her. I also feel that you can't start repairing a marriage until all the facts are out and there is no more lies.<p>Send me an email to b987654322@hotmail.com and I can reply with my primary email. I can share with you how I went about gathering my data.<p>thanks.

Thanks all!<p>We have talked about why she was doing this. Part of it was that OM (from what she told me) made her start thinking about the days when she had no kids, no real responsibilties and was able to do whatever she wanted whenever. Started her wheeles turning that life could be better. Our home is very hectic. 2 young kids who can be very difficult at times. Mainly the younger one is always causing trouble. I also have to admit that I have been a pain as well. I can honestly see why she talked with him so often. I also do think that it was going to turn somewhat physical. W had trip planned to where he lived. She was using a seminar as an excuse to go. When I talked with Om he said that they were going out to dinner while she was in town. Of course only as friends. Yea right! I still think there is more to tell, but W insists there is not. <p>Om has no kids is single and is much older. We was sweet talking her in his emails and I am sure that made W feel good. <p>W and I have decided to take a look at our lives and make some changes. We plan to travel more, worry less about the little things in life. We both have always taken care of everyone else but ourselves and that is taking a toll on us. We are going away in April for about 10 days and we plan on taking more vacations this summer and beyond. <p>We have also tought about moving. W has faimly in the south and we are seriously thinking about moving. W comes from a close family and since they have moved I think she feels homesick in a way. I always wanted to move to a warmer climate.<p>Unsure

SomethingsWrong,<p> Welcome to MB. Please read all you can. You have a very positive attitude which is very good. However you have some points in your posts that shoould concern you that do not.<p> I trusted my H 2000%. I let him move in with the OW because he told me they were just friends and they were study partners (I encouraged and supported my H to go back to school to follow his dream while I stayed home to pay for everything) I did not find out they were having an A until 7 months into it. I was completely shocked.<p> I would encourage you to install software not to confront your W but to know where you stand. You may believe that everything is ok and you are on the road to recovery when in fact your W is getting more secretive and adept at hiding her A. She will also be falling into lust/infatuation with OM and out of love with you. How much more devestated will yoou be when you find out she wants a divorce when you thought things wee going great? At least if you see she is e-mailing him you will know she is not truthful and sincere and you will be more guarded of yourself and your children.<p> Good luck to you and I hope everthing turns out for the best!
Forgiver

I am trying to be positive about everything. Some days are tougher then others.<p>I am also still confused to what extent this friendship/relationship was at. W insists that she only meant to be friends. From the emails I read Om was looking at this more than a friendship. He sort of admitted this to me on the phone, but then contradicted himself by saying they are only friends. You could tell he was flat out lying about his feelings for my W. Now the big question is, what are her feelings to him. Om was going to forward me the emails she sent him, but I decided against that. WHen I told my W about this she was concerned. I told her that I did not give my email address but he could easily find out what it is by calling my work. <p>When all this was coming out in the open, I asked her what she said in the emails and if it would be upsetting to me. She pretty replied yes. So I feel stuck in the middle of a messy triangle. <p>Some signs of an affair are lack of communication, intamacy, and emotionally withdrawn from spouse. There are no signs of this at all. Which makes me wonder what the heck was going on. Maybe it was her way of escaping from the everyday hassles of life and it just got a little out of hand? I tend to lean towards this theory a lot. This is the one thing she has been saying for quite sometime and has agreed to about the emails to OM. I guess if I was 45 and single, why not keep talking like this through emails. Who cares if she is married or not. Part of me thinks OM gets a kick out of this and this is his only way of communicating with females. Hence.. why he is still single. <p>I am waiting on one more piece of information, then I will decide if I should install this software. I would hate to go this route. I just feel like it is so intrusive and controlling.<p>Should I let trust take over and hope for the best? <p>Married 9 years
2 kids 5,3

Something Wrong,<p>Only you can decide what is best to do for you. I will let you know that I installed software on my H's computer after D-day #2. After each D-day he assured me that there was nothing going on and that he would not contact her. Well, after I installed the software, I found out that instead of stopping, things were progressing. My H is VERY computer savvy -- he works in the computer industry -- and was very good at deleting history, e-mails, etc. That is why I decided to install the software. I used software from www.spectorsoft.com. It really worked and I could see exactly how much my H was lying to me.<p>Well, things are different now. We are doing well in recovery, but if I had just continued to believe my H and had not installed the software, I don't think I would be in this place today. Things probably would have continued to progress until maybe it was a PA and my H was asking for a Dv.<p>Anyway, just my 2 cents. You have to do what is best for you. If you go the software route, be prepared to uncover hurtful, painful things. I really installed the software originally thinking that I would be able to verify that my H was telling the truth -- that he was no longer in contact with her. That was not the case and the communications between there were INCREDIBLY painful to read.<p>Hang in there. There are lots of great people here that can help and probably have better advice than I have.<p>Good luck,<p>FHO

Hey former,<p>Sorry to hear about what happened to you. I hope it all works out.<p>I noticed this software tracks hotmail, where as others do not. Does it really display what the email messages say? <p>Still unsure of doing this. I am looking at another software someone from MB sent me. This software only tracks certain email accounts. It does not work on hotmail. <p>I will be making my decision in the next couple of days. I really do not feel like runnign out and buying this software or any software.<p>What to do???

bigbrother.com helped me immensely. got me everything including passwords to everything. they even have a free trial

Can I just add a suggestion? Snoop, but not too much, because you don't need to know every detail (because they hurt), and all you really need is an indication of trustworthyness.<p>Also, bite your tongue and don't tell her when you find stuff out, because they become even harder to snoop on if they know how you found out. Mind you, I know from experience the first reaction is to just explode!

Something wrong,<p>I'm a new member as well. This is my firt posting. I saw your story and I had to write. What I'm going through is very similar to your story. I also have a 3 and 5 year old and have been married 7 years (together 14). I did get spector and I'm sooo glad I did. The first time I caught him (about 5 months ago) I changed his password and read e'mails. I was shocked. Like you, I thought our marriage was good. I confronted him immediately. He said that they had only been writing a couple of months and that it was only as friends. He loved me and wanted our relationsip to work. He said he would end the EA. I let him do this on his own - BIG mistake. So we agreed to work on our relationship 100%. I put my heart and soul into it. Good changes were made and things were better than ever. So I thought. 4 weeks ago I came across a picture of her that was dated after I caught him. I thought something was up but wanted to know for sure. I tried changing the password like before, but he was smarter this time around and I couldn't. I then got spector. I recorded and read what was going on just until I had enough proof (for about 1 week - this was very hard to do.) Their relationship had grown and was more serious than before. I truly believed the EA was over. If I didn't get spector I would never have found this out. Sorry if I've rambled on, but this is the first time I've told my story. My advice to you is get the software. We are trying to work this out, but I don't know if I can get over the deceit, betrayal, lies etc. That's what hurts the most. I have no regrets with what I did, I just wish I had done it sooner. Good luck,<p>Hurt & Sad