I am a mess. I don't even know what is going through my head. Last night my husband told me that he had oral sex with a dancer in a strip club about a year & 1/2 ago. Not just BJ - a lot of touching on his part too. Inside & out. It's hard to get specific info but from what I've gathered, it was pretty much everything but penetration. And the only reason he's telling me now is because I have an appt tommorow w/the obgyn re:some bumps/growths that I have discovered in my genital area. I was just assuming they might be cysts (although the thought of STD did cross my mind) because I haven't been w/anyone else in 10 years and I asked him (not that I really thought it was possible, but ya gotta ask, right) and he said he hadn't been w/anyone either. That was 2 weeks ago. Now that the moment of truth is approaching I guess he figured he better tell me. Now I have to go into the dr. and after telling them that neither of us had been w/another I have to tell them that my husband was not as faithful as I had first believed.
I am so hurt, sad, embarassed & confused. And I just can't seem to get angry. I just don't seem to have it in me. I didn't even make him sleep on the couch last night.
I know things could be worse. I'm glad it's not going on now. And he really wants to fix our marriage. It's just that since it took so long for him to tell me, I'm just not sure how much I can belive. I mean is this the whole truth or is he just trying to cover his a** in case the dr's appt turns up something? Help I need advice... lorrainegd@hotmail.com [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Welcome lorrainegd...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>See if you can get you H to undstand the MB concepts, most especially Plan A...<p>You might consider one of the following weekend retreats...
World Wide Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

I'm so sorry for your pain, both physical and emotional. What an awful thing. Like you, I found out much later about my H's affair. He had a PA with my former best friend 6 years ago. I loved them both very much. They lied and said it was emotional only. I just found out 8 mos ago and it's so awful. Feeling like I lived a great big lie for all of that time. <p>He told our counselor that he promised her he'd never tell! Can you believe that his promise to her was more important than our wedding vows? The part that hurt the very most is that she was in MY HOUSE and MY BED. THis has almost destroyed me. I was taking antidepressants but had to stop them due to getting pregnant. It's been very hard without them. I had to remodel a different room for a bedroom, buy new furniture, etc. Sleeping in my old sewing room is a constant reminder of their lies.<p>You need to get yourself help. It's a good sign that he's willing to work on things. This is what worked for us:<p>counseling (years of it, off and on)-both individual and marriage
prayer
lots of reading-I really like Torn Asunder and the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com
TIME-this is the hardest one but necessary
9 mo separation, we started dating after 5 mos<p>I really hope you can work thru this. The book Torn Asunder says that recovery from One Night STands can be immediate with forgiveness. I know you won't likely be able to forgive that quickly. It took me a looooong time and it's something I have to keep working on. <p>My friendship was never resolved and she never admitted the truth to me. I was also exposed to the threat of stds as he slept with me, then her, then me. I never knew this until recently. Makes me sick! <p>Make sure he gets tested too. It was the first thing I insisted on. He complained about how humiliating it was, I was actually glad. I know that sounds terrible but I figure 5 minutes of pain can't come close to comparing to 6 years of lies and the pain I've endured.<p>Good luck and keep posting

Hi Lorrainegd-<p> I am so sorry that you are going through this. But know that there are those of us who completely understand.<p> I have only been intimate with my H. I know he was with several people before we were together but they were all virgins (yeah right-although possible) I met my H when I was 17. For 12 years he was the only one I have been with. He tells me he has only been with me for the past 12 years except for this OW.<p> I found out about the A in Jan and got tested in Feb. My Dr. called in Mar to say I tested positive for a STD that is treatable but it does not always show symptoms. I never had symptoms. If left untreated i could be steril. He said I may have it now or I may have had it 10 years ago. There is no way of telling. I will always test positive for it (like Lymes disease).<p> So now I do not know if I just got it from the OW or was it someone else. My H was so deep in the fog he suggested I inhaled it!! There is an inhaled form in animals, but my Dr. said he was full of sh**.<p> Ask your Dr. if your H had a one night stand over a year and a half ago would an STD appear now? Is there a dormant stage or incubation?<p> But don't give up maybe it is not an STD, hopefully they are treatable cysts. Your H needs to be completely honest with you but he may not be ready yet. be prepared for the worst and then anything he says won't be so bad. That's what I try to do. Our imaginations can be our worst gift. Good luck
Forgiver

I requested that my husband get a full screening for all STDs and he said fine. Then he talked to the doctor and found out that a simple blood test would test for all but 1 or 2... He told the doctor that would be good enough! I said to him, well you do know that that is not what I asked you to do, right? I asked that you get a FULL screening.
I'mgetting closer to the angry phase I think. Today I'm just disgusted w/him. Completely digusted.
I have an appt w/my phsychiatrist today (i've been on prozac since before finding out about A). I'm really not doing well because of this. I don't know whether it would be good to ask for more meds or try to hang in there w/what I've got.
I'm so grateful to have some where to vent. And get supoport.. I got my husband to start reading the Basic Concepts of MB, but now I think that maybe I'm not ready for that yet. I guess I have to get through accepting & forgiving this first. Yesterday I thought I was ready to forgive him. Today I'm not so sure...

Forgiveness takes time, don't rush yourself. I did that the first time and it wasn't very sincere on my part. The second time I was able to forgive faster but only with lots prayer. Also, remember that forgiveness is a decision, NOT a feeling. It's something you continue to work on over time, not just once and it's all fixed. Good luck. I feel your pain

We are doing ok. I have decided to forgive him. My psychiatrist helped me feel OK with not getting angry. I really felt that I HAD to get angry to work through this. I got to the point of being pretty disgusted, but he is really upset & emotional over this (if it's possible, I think he's cried almost as much as I have!). I am really hurt, but he really wants to do everything that he can to make this up to me. He's been very sweet. We have started MB, and he seems all for it. I love him, even though he has hurt me. We have been spending time together w/no distractions and it's hard. What do you do - no kids, no TV, no distractions? Most of the time we can do this is after the kids have gone to bed. Anyone have suggestions of what to do together at night after the kids are in bed? We were so short on ideas the other night that we played hangman and he painted my toenails! I need help!

Just be thankful that the A did not last for 6-8 months. This is a tough one. Most of the A's that I have read about only lasted a short while. My W's may still be going on. I had her get tested for a bunch of STD's including AIDs. I took her word that that the Doc said she was clean. I saw one test that mentioned some infection, but not STD related.<p>Good Luck,

lorraine,
I'm sure you will have days when you feel like you can never forgive him and days when you hardly think about it...as time goes by.<p>I think as far as more info,I feel you already have enough. Does it really matter if there was penetration of his ***? What he has admitted to is enough..more than enough, actually. There are just some things that I really don't want the dirty details of.<p>Counseling is good. I think he made a big mistake but it seems that he is trying to make up for it. Can you let him try?