Haven't gotten the gumption to put this together, but decided I should do so anyway.<p>W and I are going to a nice hotel near the beach south of here tonight, hopefully to spend some romantic time alone and to have a chance to talk about M issues as well. <p>Not sure about the combination, but hope to stress the M issues even if it's at the expense of being romantic. Well, maybe not completely! <p>Problem has been that my W is VERY busy with work, and complains, or seems to, that dealing with our problems now is making things very hard for her (she has high blood pressure and is under a tremendous amount of stress). Usually, she's pretty aware of how I feel, and even though she knows I'm hurting, she can't have any idea how much, even though I tell her that. <p>Issues that I need resolution on: Eventually, if not this weekend:<p>1) What does she envision our M to be? Can we agree on that? W still brings up "I never wanted to be married" and "I don't want a husband" or "I hate being called 'Mrs'" or "M is ownership" and similar comments related to her feeling stifled. I certainly won't accept anything like an "open M" even if the openness consists of her being allowed to have close friendships with OMs that I'm not privy to. I don't believe in privacy in M, but W seems to, or did after D-day. Basically, she's given me a lot of signs that she wants our M, but I need to know what the terms of that M might be, particularly now, almost 3 months after D-day #1, when maybe some of the fog is lifting and so her thinking might be different than 3 months ago.<p>2) What to do with OM as this job winds down? This is worrying me more lately (and I told IC this yesterday), because field work will be done in about 2 months and report writing in office will follow. He has to get report sections to her and samples back to her from his state. I'm worried that email contact will increase, and the "lure" of him will renew. After report is done, what next? Does she intend to have him ship samples back, or deliver them in person (NOT ACCEPTABLE!)? Does she intend to hire him for other work? (NOT ACCEPTABLE!). IC had some good suggestions about this issue for me yesterday, and listened to my concerns carefully. I am hoping that W will be understanding of my firmness that contact must cease eventually. Would actually hope that she will volunteer to have all communication with him go through a coworker and female friend that knows about A (and I've talked to about it as well). She hasn't offered this to me yet, and I'm not sure why.<p>We've had a few good discussions in the past month, but they're not that long or frequent, because she's working away a lot and is worn out by work and by our problems. So, as I told IC yesterday, we're maybe spending about 2 or 3 hours/week giving each other our undivided attention, which isn't anywhere near enough by anybody's view. <p>Going to try to have a good time, and tread on eggshells a bit more if I have to, but I'm hoping I won't have to.<p>W has said a couple of sweet things to me in the past few days, so my optimism is returning. But I can't wait for this job to be done!!!

2long,
I suggest that you not talk about your M problems this weekend. Focus on having a good time. Think about being joyful, confident and fun. This will make you more attractive and desirable. If you can continue with this sort of mindset, healing will take place sooner and your wife will want to be with you more and more. Try not to appire that you are in fact "treding on eggshells" this does not look attractive.
I too am the BS and when finally started to be myself again, stoped bringing up the "problems" that we were rehashing over and over, things started to turn around.
Go have some fun. Leave the problems for another time when you are both better able to handle it.<p>God Bless,<p>stillhurts, but not that bad anymore.....

2long,<p>Stillhurts gave you good advice. Go have a good time and leave the marriage talks to later. Frankly, I suspect that you are wasting your breath right now. 3 months is probably too soon for these talks to have much affect, recall SKM's posts and she had removed OM from her life.<p>My thinking on this is that you will begin to see which way the wind is blowing. I believe you have already stated you want OM out of your's and W's life. If in a month or so things aren't better it may be time for this talk.<p>I don't think OM's presence is negotiable either, but the project isn't going to get cancelled. So you will have decisions to make. My suggestion focus on your son, your daughter, and your work. Let time work on this abit, and THEN make decisions. My guess June or July will be the time to have some deep discussions about the direction of the marriage. <p>So set your boundaries, stay in Plan A, and let time age and heal this abit.<p>Hope you two had a good weekend.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

2long, this post may be too late, but I recommend you go for the fun this weekend. I think the stars are in alignment. Even my W is showing positive signs today.<p>Remember, one discussion not worded correctly can be a major LB. You don't want this, so try to forget about everything and enjoy yourself.<p>We will be awaiting your return.

SH, JL, IS:<p>You folks are absolutely right! I actually tried my best to do this, in spite of what I said in my original post, mainly because the times we spend together are so precious when they're not about the issues. I wanted them to be the foremost important stuff we did. <p>In the end, they were, but OM was brought up again on the way down in the car, not by me but by my W. She brought up my concern when she went to the office on Thursday last week, that she might get an email from OM and that I didn't know what to expect. Well, we got into what my IC said, that I wanted it clear that he and I were on the same page as to what "non-issue" meant, regarding focusing on M and letting him fade over time. I was reassured that he meant "eventually, no contact" like I do. But W doesn't like that. It was a heated discussion, and it came back to what was wrong with our M and what we both want it to be from now on. Though the discussion remained pretty much general, it was reassuring to me that she does seem to want to stay married. I do too, but I did make it clear, when she said she's still concerned I might "lose it" at some point, that I don't think that's the problem. The problem is that I don't know if I'll want our M, if we can't come to some equitable agreement as to what the limits are. I think this did more to reassure her that I WANT to work on those agreements, that I DON'T want DV, even though the OM issue is far from settled at this point.<p>It also made it very clear to me that my W is very much in a thick fog still. She's a smart person, and very independent, yet she was clearly not thinking rationally at some points in the discussion. It's also been clear to me for some time that, based on what she's told me about their relationship, that she "suspended" a LOT of her independence and put up with some pretty ridiculous "demands" from the OM that she would never tolerate from me. Only time will enable me to bring those facts up to her again. <p>For now, I am just glad that she's starting C'ing today, and then we have our MC together tomorrow. If we can stay away from the really sensitive subjects tomorrow, I think we can finally start to see some progress.<p>In other news: We have a contractor to start rebuilding our house, FINALLY! He actually started work today, too! Amazing. It's been almost 6 months since the fire, and we're only just now seeing fundamental movement! Equally amazing: We paid under $300K for the house 5 years ago, and the repairs are likely to cost nearly $1M! Nice to see progress, though. A real psychological boost for both of us.

JL: 'nother point. Found out on the drive that W's field work will be done in June, probably, the report could take as long as 8 months from now to complete. So, IC is at least aware of my concerns that the communication with OM will likely increase, and that the temptation to 'get personal," even if it's only to say stupid things like "are you okay?" will be greater. I'm going to try to suggest to her friend (our houseguest for another week, then buys her own place) and coworker (that knows about A) that she offer at some point to handle the necessary email to and from OM for my W, to take the load off. She'll have to do that so it doesn't look like it was my idea, though, and maybe in a month or two, rather than right now.<p>W said that she sometimes thinks that it might be great to "start over" with the possible new job out of state that I may be offered. I told her that was the first indication that she thought of that offer as a possible move of our family, not just me. I told her that made me feel very good about us.