So, does that mean it's okay? Of course not. My WS doesn't really thinks it's an A. He chose someone far away to ensure they wouldn't get together. (Wasn't that nice of him!!)<p>He just doesn't get it. The dishonesty, secrecy, lies, deceit, betrayal are all there. And as for the physical part, why did she write "You have no idea how much my body misses you!" Like, what is that all about? It sounds physical to me. <p>I'm so angry right now. What does it take for him to admit what he did was wrong. The hurt and pain I'm feeling won't go away.<p>It's not just him though. Other people I've talked to have sort of said the same thing. Like be thankful it wasn't a real A.<p>I'm angry right now and just had to vent. Anyone else getting the same sort of crap about an OEA? Would love to hear from you.<p>Thanks for listening,
H&S

well my h didn't have an online a but he feels that he didn't cheat on me since they didn't have sex. I had to point out to him that if you are planning to leave you family and start a new life with a specific someone else and they are in on the plan, then that is an affair. Oh, and it was over a year ago. In my mind, just like murder, there is not statute of limitations on adultery.<p>I think the best bet would be to go to a counselor--maybe an objective third party will help open his eyes to the truth of the situation.

Hi diddallas,<p>Thanks for your reply. Why do men think because there's no sex, they're not cheating? Maybe because that's all they think about!<p>BTW, we are going to counselling, however, things just don't seem to be moving fast enough. I'm not sure if I should keep pushing my H too get it or just deal with it in counselling. I can't move forward until I'm sure he does get it though. It's like I'm stuck in this spot and can't do anything about it.<p>H&S

I know why in my husband's case: because then he can avoid having to admit he cheated on me because he doesn't consider himself that kind of person. And men are very territorial, so, if they didn't 'mark' the territory, then it really isn't theirs. It's a trick to ease their consciences.<p>And I think the great thing is that you don't have to DO anything...recovery has its own schedule...much like most everything else in life.
I would continue the counseling and see what happens. Rome wasn't built in two days, ya know!

Same story, I've been trying to get use to the fact that my W could talk sex over the internet with a different man for a year now [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Did any of your WHs know "Lady Vampiress"??? Thats my W [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] She didn't see it as cheating either! (it's not just men)
Anyhow, good luck to you all, it sure hasn't gotten any easier here. I still have my "blow up the world" days but whats a fellow to do???????????????<p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: oldman01 ]</p>

Oh, my h's a wasn't over the internet...it was with someone he met on the job. Apparently, they used to take smoke breaks together and from this wonderful hobby (I guess there's nothing like the mutual pursuit of lung cancer to bring two people together)---he left me to pursue a relationship with her. He says that she was deported soon after he left and says that nothing ever happened between them. I believe him because the guy he was staying with says nobody ever called or visited h while he was there.

H&S,<p>An OEA is still an A. That is what both our counselors said. Have your H read the definition of an A -- try the article Shattered Vows at www.findarticles.com or the www.dearpeggy.com site. Both are good explanations of an A. <p>My H didn't want to see it as an A at first either -- yes it hurts that they just don't "get it" -- all the pain that they have inflicted on their spouses. But, in time, and with therapy, he should realize that it was an A and will hopefully "get it".<p>Patience is your best friend right now. Good luck.<p>FHO

As far as I can tell, the betrayal, humiliation, anger, pain, etc. from an OEA seem to rival every other type of A. Except that you do get the added guilt of people who have suffered through PA telling you that you're lucky it was only online.<p>It's so hard to get through this. One hour I seem fine, loving and on the road to recovery. Two hours later I feel depressed and just want to chuck it all in. I even feel sorry for my WH having to put up with my emotional shifts.<p>I understand exactly what you're going through!<p>Kate

FormerHopelessOne,<p>Thanks for your reply.<p>My H and I had an open and honest conversation yesterday. He answered my questions and told me the story. It was hard to hear, but I think it was even harder for him to tell. I feel better now than I have for awhile. <p>The A was more serious than he first admitted, and my initial responses were on track. I now don't think I'm crazy or paranoid. I somehow feel validated. Does that make sense?<p>The fog is lifting for him, and I think I feel better than he does right now. I wish there was something I could do for him, but it's something he has to go through.<p>Soo, I'm feeling better today, but I know it won't last. I'm preparing myself for the ride down on this roller coaster.<p>Thanks again,
H&S

KS41,<p>It does sound like we're sort of at the same place. I took the time to read your posts before I replied.<p>I liked your comment about the really, really great sex. It's sooo true! I know that's not going to save my marriage, but what the hey, enjoy it while it lasts.<p>I caught my H about 5 months ago. He told me they were just friends and that they'd only been chatting for a couple months. He told me he would end it. He loved me and wanted our marriage to stay together. I believed him and worked hard at our marriage. Changes were made for the better and things were better than ever, or so I thought. I found out about a month ago that he didn't end it (I caught him again) and heard the same things from him.<p>We're in counselling now. This site has helped me more than the counselling so far.<p>The one thing I've really been pushing for is that he get's it and I think he's coming around. I sensed the first time that he really didn't get it, but I let it go. I know I can't do that this time. I believe that if he gets it, he won't do it again. Is this false hope? Did your H get it and do it again anyways?<p>I know my H loves me and is very remorseful. I believe we can get through this. But I don't know what future holds. I'm scared it will happen again, and I can't let go of that feeling.<p>It helps talking to others who have been through it. I want to talk more, but I have to make muffins with my daughter.<p>Hope to hear from you,
H&S

HI H&S,<p>I am in the same boat as you. My W was having some sort of relationship (I say affair), with someone she met while we were on vacation. It did not start out that way. Just friends in the beginning. Although he always emailed things like "I really miss you", I found the someone special but my luck she is married. Call me I miss your sexy voice.<p>My W showed me the emails at first, then I never saw anymore form that point. I have to admit, I was always curiou if he emailed agian and constantly asked. They or he suggested they exchange phone numbers (W told me that one). Was not really comfortable with that, but went along anyway. To make a long story short. W started to hide their conversations from me. She set up a private email account and purchased some calling cards. I started to get suspicious, because W said she was talking ith OM. Of course nothing was on her/our email account and no phone charges were showing up on the bills. I ended up finding her email address and bypassed her password. Boy what a shock to what I found. Lots of emails between the 2 and a picture he sent to my W. Om wanted a picture of W. She did not go for that. The worse thing is that my W was planning a trip to where he lived. She used the excuse of a seminar for reason to go. I never did tell her that I looked into this seminar and it does not exist. At least that is what the place told me. I should say the seminar was not geared for her field. W also told Om that she was attending a seminar. She states that they had no plans. When I talked with OM, he said that they planned to go out for dinner. That's right! I gave him a call. He was pretty defensive. Basically told me that my wife was interested in him. He just wanted to be friends and would never fool around with a married women. I think he forgot that I read his emails. He would of jumped her bones in a second, if they were alone. I doubt very much my wife would have had a PA. I think this was more of an escape (temporary) form our hectic lives. Kids are tough many days and we have been so busy.<p>My wife insists to this day that it was only a friendship. Even after I told her what he said. Not sure why she cannot admit to anything. I see this relationship as more of an OEA if anything.<p>I feel the same as you are going through H&S. At least this is a good place to vent.<p>Hope it works out for you.

H&S - I'm not sure if H gets it or not. He clearly understands how he has hurt me, why it hurts, and that if it happens again I have drawn a line in the sand and will not wipe it out again (this is probably anti-MB, but somewhere deep down I have to shred of self-respect). <p>But, he cannot understand why he has had these online relationships in the first place. He has said he needs to see a counselor about the issue, and he wants to go alone, not with me. As of today, he has not yet made an appointment. I know this man loves me, and as you said, there are definitely times through this when he is in more pain than I am.<p>Can't recall if I mentioned the incident last week when I found out the extent of the contact and went berserk. I scared the bejeezus out of him, and he was horrified that he could cause me such pain.<p>He really wants it over and done with, and I have to keep explaining why I feel sad or depressed or angry. He always understands, but seems surprised that I still feel bad. I'm not sure how I can expect him to figure me out, when even I can't figure out how I'm feeling.<p>Tough dealing with the kids too. We live with my two daughters from first marriage (14 & 9), who want to know why I'm not wearing my wedding ring. Oddly enough, he has not said a word about it.<p>Gads - I'm starting to ramble again when I'm supposed to be working. This entire thing is not good for my job!

Something wrong,<p>One of the hardest things for me, so far, has been not knowing the whole story. My H finally opened up to me yesterday. My gut told me it was much more serious than he was saying, and I was right. <p>I pushed him for the truth. I made sure we talked about what happened every day. When he was willing to talk, I pushed more. When he wasn't wanting to talk, I let it go, knowing we'd talk again the next day.<p>Our marriage was going nowhere and I was slowly falling apart. He recognized this, and because of his love for me and his desire to make our marriage work, he did the hardest thing he's probably ever done in his life. He opened up to me and answered all of my questions. He was honest about everything, even the sexual part of it. And because he did, our marriage now has a chance. If he didn't, I know I could not have gone on much longer. Our marriage would have been over. I'm just soo thankful that he realized he had to tell me the truth. Now we'll see if we can make a go of it. <p>Thanks for listening, and if you need to vent, I'm here.
H&S

H&S,<p>It is very important that he is honest with you. I strongly suggest you read Surviving An Affair (SAA) by Dr. Harley. It goes through a step by step recovery program including the 4 rules of protection the WS needs to do for the BS. Yes, an on-line affair is still an affair. Even if they never met in person. If it was kept secret, if you H would be ashamed to have the world read the e-mails he sent, if he said/did things that if he did them with a real live person it would be considered an A, then yes, it is an affair.<p>I wonder why WSs have such a hard time admitting this. It is very important for your H to realize that that is what this was. It will take you a long time to heal. Read everything on this and other sites. It is amazing, but everything is so dead on. I am experiencing the same emotions as if it had been a PA.<p>Keep posting and communicating with your H. This site is a wonderful place to vent and ask questions -- I asked a ton when I first started posting.<p>Stay strong.<p>FHO

HI H&S,<p>Read my latest post if you can and let me kow if you have any advice for me. <p>I am so confused right now and have no idea what to do. I'm slowly calming myself down and realize that I need to find out if W and OM are still talking. My problem is that I end up talking about this with W before I get all the facts and right now she does not want to talk about this at all. If I do, she may want to seperate for sometime.<p>Fighting a loosing battle.

FormerHopelessOne,<p>Thanks again for your comments. You seem to know just what to say.<p>I know my H would be very ashamed if anyone else knew about this. It probably would have hurt him as much as he hurt me (well.. no, not that much). But that's why I didn't tell anyone.<p>You are right about this site. I'm so glad I found it. I'll keep reading and moving forward.<p>Thanks again,
H&S

H&S,<p>It's a shame that we have a need to belong to this exclusive club, MB, but it is great that there is a site where we can get support and that there are such wonderful, caring people who help each other. <p>Somthing that has helped me is remembering, each and every day that this will not be healed overnight. It is going to take a long time, but as I see a little progress each day, I feel better.<p>Hang in there.<p>FHO