The other night we were talking and I made some comment like "you were (blanking) bad word her in the car...." H said don't say it like that you make it sound bad. I was furious, I said it was bad! Of course this conservation overcast our day yesterday. I told him I just don't think I can be we someone who doesn't realize the magnitude of what he did. He still doesn't show any emotion regarding it. He tells me he just puts it out of his mind and never thinks about it. I told him I need him to dig deep inside and deal with it. I read to him from Torn Asunder regarding how he needs to deal with the emotions in order for us to recover. He said I don't know how to do it. I think he needs to see the counselor alone and work on this. Am I right does he need to work through this as well or is putting it out of his mind going to help? He's all set with doing that and behaving like nothing happened. As we talked more I got more intense mind you, he got defensive and said I'm getting tire of you being depressed and how this is ruining our weekends etc. After all was said and done I felt so numb I told him I feel like our M is over but I just don't know how to let go. He said he can fix it. I hope he can.

He's being very unrealistic. I don't know how long the A lasted, but however long that was, it will take you that long at least to feel better. It took me about 18 mos when I thought my H's affair was EA only. Now I found out it was PA and he lied for 6 years so I have to start all over. <p>Did he read 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com? This helped my H to see that I had to know the details, it was better than my imagination. We can't sweep these things away, they come back worse later. <p>Is he still in the fog? My H was for about 6 mos afterward. It was too hard for me to be around him during that time, we were separated for 9 mos.<p>I hope you are both in counseling. If he won't go, consider going alone. It really helps.

Hi Strongerthanyesterday,
you are quit early in recovery, I would try to calm down abit. I do understand what you are going through. I didn't feel mad at the beginning of our recovery, this has just started the last couple of weeks. If you like, you can read what I wrote in "recovery" "My recovery story". It took awhile until my H got his head out of the sand. He didn't want to really discuss at the beginning, just wanted to forget. It was a combination of shame, embarrassment and a great deal of guilt. He became more comfortable talking about things when I calmed down and made it comfortable to talk. (it's not easy to make this comfortable to talk about)
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] It's like a nightmare, I mostly didn't believe that what he was telling me really concerned us and our marriage. But as time passed he realized that we did have to talk about things and all the puzzle pieces had to be put together. This was a very difficult road and yet we made it. It just didn't happen over night, it took a long time. We are now able to talk about everything and all of my questions have been answered. I still do get mad once in awile. Just today for example: a girl was murdered not far from our place. We were driving by the area and my H told me this is where the girl got killed. I looked at him and said: Gosh, the poor girl, they killed the wrong person:-(((( He answered: Yupp, you are right and we laughted. (the fact that this girl got murdered is terrible, we were not laughing about this,so don't misunderstand me)
I'm just trying to explain to you, that we too had many screwed up week-ends [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] but this has really changed since we have been talking so much.
I can imagine that your H is so ashamed and embarrassed and this makes it difficult for him to talk about things just right now. Give him abit of time and I'm sure he will be able to sometime.
hugs
BB

Thanks for your replies. I don't know what a fog is? I just went into the recovery section and saw a topic called "Is it fog or ..." anyway I read through it and printed it for my H as well. I kinda feel like it helped. I keep bringing up the A I think now to punish him because I don't see the pain and guilt he says he has. I think subconsiciously I talk about it and get anrgy and say things like "how could you hurt me so much if you love me", "Why didn't you stop if you knew it was wrong", "don't you think you were a loser to do this", "why would you chance losing everything for that" etc. I know I can't change what was done. But I think because it hurts me so, I wonder if I do this so he will suffer as well. Misery loves company I guess. I also don't think it has helped that the counselor has been on vacation for a month. We will see her Saturday. I think I need to focus on us and the M instead of the past. <p>Maggierose,
The A lasted 1 1/2 yrs and I did print that article for him which he is only on page two. He's not a great reader, which is why I got him the Monogamy Myth on tape. <p>sty