Time to stop lurking and cut my story loose.<p>First, my wife acknowledges that, by any objective person's account, she is married to a wonderful man: caring, attentive, good listener, a great business partner, a great companion to share experiences with, good father, and possessed of sexual prowess (if only in a technical sense). The only part missing is having an "emotional connection" or spark where she would feel wildly attractive to the man in her life. She says she never felt that way for me--marriage to me was more out of "practical reasons" (i.e., finally finding a man stable enough to marry and have children with). (Why didn't I get a sense of what was up back then? Naivety, I guess...but I wanted to be with her and made the commitment--especially when she got accidentally pregnant).<p>Now the story (not pretty). For several years she's had a "platonic" friendship with our children's piano teacher, which I believe. He was engaged to his live-in the entire time--the engagement broke off last October. In late January of this year, she made her move and he gave in. In a matter of a few short weeks, he declared his love for her, introduced her to his parents, and they began discussions of marriage...quick courtship, wouldn't you say? She claims she has finally found the emotional connection she has always been seeking. It was unlike any man she has been with before, blah, blah, blah (...I know, they all say that...her past relationships (before me) were, shall we say, rather checkered). She feels sexy, alive, creative, etc., etc., etc. I believe, in part, it's that Picasso-effect -- the male artist who finds women weak-knee'd around him. (I'm solidly left-brained--designing a database is as close to art as I'll ever come).<p>Of course she's told me there are a few "practical" problems in marrying him, like lack of money (I make double what he makes--my wife is a doctor). The loser can't even drive a car! There are other problems too, like an utter lack of scruples! Any chance that a marriage with him would work is, in my opinion, as likely as Osama Bin Laden calling the F.B.I. to arrange for his arrest. But she appears to be giving it serious thought anyway.<p>As you can surmise, my wife is a woman easily seduced by an emotional charge--no matter how foolish or irrational. My great frustration is figuring what I can do to incite those feelings in her over me--without looking as if I'm trying to "change my personality" and look stupid and unconfident in process. I have an inkling that the A may die a natural death anyway (then again...the emotional addiction may be too strong). She's already promised that I would be the fallback guy (...but really, that doesn't solve anything if the underlying problem is unresolved). Also, she tends to see her relationships in black and white and has the "you either have it or you don't" kind of attitude.<p>Understand, I honestly don't want to leave her. As disrespectful as she's been, I want to spend the rest of my life her--no one else would do. Her parents are stunned at my resoluteness (quite upset at her, frightened) in the face of all this.<p>Any suggestions? Or am I just playing a fool's game with a vain and narcissistic woman?<p>Married - 11 years
BS - 38 yo
WS - 39 yo
Boy, age 6, Girl, age 10
D-day: 2/25/02
EA (clearly the driver)
PA (claims she draws the line at S.I. or genital contact by him--99% confident she is truthful)
Plan A (applying basics, but see above post for
problem)

Your WW sounds like my WH -- although they all sound like this at this point in the discovery process. Vain and narcissitic -- absolutely, but that is the whole point of the affair. The reason they feel such an intense emotional connection (and physical in my WH's case) is because they get to be completely vain and narcissistic. No reality. No responsibilities. Everything centered around them and their needs.<p>My WH believes (and it sounds like your WW also believes) that this is their soulmate due to the fact that there is such an intense emotional connection. This criticism can be very painful for us analytical types. What they fail to see is that opposites are what can typically be sustained over the long haul -- complementary personalities and dispositions. <p>Read everything you can get your hands on -- even books that are not by the Harley's -- I have yet to read a book on infidelity that suggests that affairs of this type are true soul mate connections and the spouse should be chucked immediately. All of these books suggest that these types of affairs are driven by the wayward spouse's inability or unwillingness to look at internal factors that make them unhappy and that they seek the fantasy of an affair as a way to escape. This can be a hard one to identify with if you are not a romantic also (I'm not suggesting you aren't romantic, but rather that the romantic personalities constantly seek the in love high which is not realistic).<p>If you want more answers to your posts, I would suggest that you post on General Questions II -- that board seems to be more active

Thanks for the thoughtful reply, unsureheart. Your words have a comforting ring of familiarity. <p>Still, I do see a difficult gap for me to bridge--somehow getting her to stop constantly seeking/ yearning for that "in-love" state and embrace the long-term compatible, stable alternative that I can provide.<p>When you spoke of "...criticisms...painful to analytical types..., I assume you were suggesting it's hard for the BS to accept the emotional reality of what is going on between the WS and the OP.

What I meant by criticisms as hard to take was more that the irrational thought patterns and excuses that the WS use to justify and explain their affairs are particularly hard to digest and understand/listen to when the BS brain natural tendency is to think in logical sequences. What they are saying makes absolutely no sense, but if you are a logic-oriented processor of information then you start to take the criticism seriously because you cannot even begin to understand it. <p>When I write that out it seems to make no sense, but I think I have a harder time processing the crazy and illogical behavior of an affair and the risks and cruelty because it just does not make sense in my rational world. <p>I am drawn to my WH and love my WH precisely because he is the opposite of me -- a romantic at heart that brought the poetry rather than the practicality to my life. For a long time (at least I believed) that I brought the grounding and practicality to his life and that is a big part of what made the union work. Now, I feel I am being punished for not being a romantically driven personality that can abandon all responsibility to live some epic romance adventure -- not that I wouldn't want part of my life to be more like that. But, it is especially hard to watch the WS convince themselves that life can work this way all the time and that the OW/OM can provide that (which is just nonsense).<p>I think I am babbling at this point.<p>I just wanted to let you know that there are patterns to the WS behavior that are illogical, but consistent across almost all of these posters. It helped me feel a lot less alone and maybe a little less crazy. I hope it helps you.<p>Take care.

I think the thing to be wondering is how you and she can build and maintain a strong emotional connection (ie not infatuation, but more than just "stable"...a sustainable romantic love).<p>Have you read all the concepts here? And this article...
Romantic Love

I am sorry for your pain but you sound very strongly co-dependent on your wife and seem to willing to accept all forms of disrespect and humiliation.
I would strongly suggest that you go into counseling to understand you lack of self-esteem.
You seem to be comfortable somewhat with the fact
that your wife told you that you would be the fall back guy if her OM does not succeed. Why would you be willing to be the doorprize?
You are correct of course that this solves nothing
since you can be sure that in time she will look for someone else down the line. I would suggest that marriage counseling for both of you is of course essential. The bottom line is that she seems to be staying with you for financial reasons only and is looking an opportunity to move on.
You cannot make somebody love you if they are dead set against it. I just think you deserve better than to be the temporary fall back guy. I wish you luck.

Hi there,<p>have a very similar situation at hand here - OM also a pianist and striking a deep cord (no pun intended) with my W.
again, the OM a complete loser of course, at times he was even gay, can you beleive that.<p>but to come back to your situation, I do beleive that your W romance will wear off quickly once they settle into the realities of life. question is only, whether your W is willing to see that in advance or not. if not, they are likely to move together, then fall apart and your W being stranded. as long as she doesnt want to break off relationship, there's not much you can do, isnt it.
suggest to look good after yourself: sleep, eat, exercise a lot.