I don’t know how to start so I guess I’ll just jump right in.
I’m forty, my wife is mid-thirties. We’ve been married for seven years and have two kids.
Today is Dday +4. What the hell just happened to my life? <p>I found old email on my computer at home that my wife had thought she deleted and covered her tracks. I work with computers and know where to look to see what people do on them. I had suspected that she had an email account that she didn&#8217;t tell me about. I don&#8217;t why she thought I couldn&#8217;t find it. Maybe she wanted to get caught.<p>The email was from the OM making references to &#8220;moon light and sexy underwear&#8221;, &#8220;hugs and kisses&#8221;, &#8220;see you soon&#8221; signed YBT (your boy toy). Oh God&#8230;&#8230;
I confronted her. She lied. Her story didn&#8217;t add up. I hounded her. Eventually she confessed. She&#8217;s been seeing this guy for 3 years, every month or two. At least that what she tells me. I totally lost it. I took the email address from the mail I found and wrote that SOB. I then had her log me on the secret email account and I wrote him again. I then setup a snare so I&#8217;ll know if the account sends or receives mail.<p> I spent the next two days screaming and yelling, calling her every name in the book. I told her I want full disclosure, nothing but truth. Get this, she said she had no idea that it would cause this much damage. Talk about BSing yourself. She said it was just this small, little part of her life. That it actually made things better around the house (for who?). I didn&#8217;t calm down until yesterday when I found this web site and read and read and read, six or more hours. Thank you. I glad I have found someone to talk to but what a club to join.<p>She told me she&#8217;d break it off. I told her it had to be clean, short, say it&#8217;s over nothing more. I told her to tell me when OM contacts her and give me the details. He called her at her work. He saw my emails. She said she did what I asked her to do. I don&#8217;t know if I can believe her or not. <p>Right now she seems very sorry and sincere. She wants to repair our marriage. I don&#8217;t what to do, what to believe, who to talk to. Do I really want someone who could do this to me and our family as my wife? But I can&#8217;t just turn off love like a light switch. I&#8217;m not wired that way. What about my kids. My six year old knows something&#8217;s wrong. <p>We have a marriage counseling session later this month, wish we could get in sooner. She has a doctor appointment set up to be checked for STD. I told her I want a paternity test done also.<p>I guess I don&#8217;t know why I&#8217;m posting. Just needed to spill my guts I suppose. I don&#8217;t know what I&#8217;m going to do yet. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there.

Unfortunately, this will be the hardest thing you will face. But it can be done. There are hundreds of us BSs to prove it. My H had an affair with my former best friend 6 years ago. I knew something was going on, but they both lied and said it was emotional only. We ended up separated for 9 mos and eventually got back together. It was awful, she was my best friend, his partner's wife, an employee, our neighbor, etc. Our friendship was never resolved.<p>I just found out 8 mos ago that they had lied. It was sexual. They lied to protect themselves and each other. I can't tell you how much I resent having to go thru this twice. The worst was he told our counselor that he lied because he promised her he'd never tell. So for 6 years his vow to her was more important than our marriage vows.<p>I continue to work on forgiving them. I can only do it with God's help. We have both had counseling on and off during the last 6 years. I formed a strong network of friends who've helped me a lot. For me, counseling has been the most important part of recovery. Antidepressants also helped me back then, and also last summer when I found out. But I had to quit them as I'm pregnant. It's been very hard without them.<p>I have a lot of resentment. Mostly to H and OW, but also to his family who basically abandoned me back when it happened. Made comments like I must have been to blame, etc. Of course now they're sweet as pie but don't know the truth. He refuses to tell them so I'm very uncomfortable around them. They probably wonder why I get so sad when I am happy to be pregnant. They are the type of family who lives the perfect Leave It To Beaver, life is great life. They would be shocked to learn that their son took his wife's best friend into HER BED and lied to her for 6 years.<p>I'm having a very hard time dealing with the fact that not only did they have sex in her car, at her house (remember-her H was my H's best friend), made out at the office and IN OUR BED. I used to love our house and now I can't stand being here.<p>I would strongly recommend that you read the article 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com and the book Torn Asunder. They have both been very helpful to me and rebuilding our marriage.<p>I know it's hard, but you will get thru it. You can make your marriage work, it will take lots of hard work, honesty from her, NO contact with OM, etc. I will pray for you. Read lots of keep posting

Welcome PlayedForAFool...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>You mind is reacing a mile a minute..
...I remember when I too found out... and was doing almost what you are doing!<p>Stop a minute...<p>Catch your breath...<p>Learn what is out here...
...and then take corrective action.<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Do get the book "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)... read it and check out all the "links" mentioned here.<p>You have my prayers.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Thanks for responding so quickly. This site and your help has really helped clear my head. <p>Someday I'd like to post how people can check their computers for secret email accounts, read the emails, etc. It's too much of a personal risk right now, I don't want my WS to know how it's done. If you really need to know how right now for your peace of mind or wanting to keep tabs, reply here and I'll email directions to you.

Dear Played for a Fool,<p>I am so, so sorry. Welcome to the club. You have come to the right place. No one really understands this hell unless they've been through it themselves. Your emotions will be on a roller coaster and I recommend you read everything you can on this site and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You didn't deserve this.<p>Something someone said here always stood out in my mind and has become my mantra:<p>"I want to be proud of my actions now when I look back on this in 10 years."<p>So I put my children's well-being ahead of my own and didn't act on my revenge fantasies.<p>I would be interested in learning how to track secret email accounts. You can email me at:<p>EmpoweredMom@yahoo.com<p>Hang in there - I know it's hard to believe but it does get better. Feel free to post here anytime.<p>BS - Esther - 35
WS - 36
Married 10 years (he's had affairs for 5)
3 wonderful children (main reason for me sticking around)
Found out: 29 Jan 02

The comments by your wife are truly amazing.
Ask her how she would feel if she found out that for the past three years you have been having sex with another woman and that you felt it made you a better husband to do this; and that you were surprised that it caused her such heartache since it was only a separate part of your life and now
you are being tested for STD's. Either you wife is totally crazy or she is holding on for her financial security. The fact that she was able to carry on and lie to you for three years is a pretty scarry proposition. I would be very worried
about any spouse that could possible say such a thing. I wish you lots of luck.

Thank you all again for the support I so desperately need right now. Being able to address the A as an addiction has helped me to know where to begin. I've started Plan A with remarkable success. I realize it's very early and I can't trust WS or myself but I am very hopeful.<p>I would like to compose a detailed document on checking computers for email accounts - it can be tricky and you could potentially damage your PC. Also at this time cannot dedicate enough time to respond to all people who would want this information. Perhaps one of our mediators could post their email address and I could forward the document to him/her after I complete it. I already feel like I owe this community so much and want to give back what I can.

HI Played,<p>I am in the same boat as you. Kids and married for 8 years. Found out about wifes private email account and the OM she was talking with. She says it's over but I do not believe her. I think she has other accounts.<p>What is this "snare" program you mention? I could use something like that to track emails.<p>I just vented on this board as well. Today actually.<p>I hope everything works out for you!!!!

Can you send that snare program to mikexel@hotmail.com?<p>Thanks Play!

It wasn't so much a program but a setting I placed on the account when my WS logged me on to it. I'll include what I did in the document I just wrote on checking your PC for email accounts. Tempest, if it's okay with you I'll email the document to you for distribution. I don't have time to maintain a mailing list, being D-day + 5 and all.
thanks <p>PS, I had lunch with my wife today and Plan A is working rather well. I think the expression goes along the lines of:
"You can attract more bees with honey then you can with vinager"