Cali,<p>How are you? I will try GQII. I am happy for you and I congratulate you for working things out. <p>I on the other hand am not so good. Yesterday I don't know why I did this, but I went by the OW house and guess who's car was there? Yes, my H. I waited for him to come out and followed him to work. Then I jumped out in the parking lot of his work and confronted him. I also went wacky and slapped his face. He said that he had just gone over there to talk. I again was hysterical. I feel like it just happened yesterday. Well we ended up coming home and I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to work things out. H said he would try for the both of us. Cali, I don't know what to do now. I was so hurt......... I was crushed. H promised that he would not ever talk/see ow again. The first time H said he couldn't promise anything, as far as the ow was concerned. I feel just like I did when I first found out. But you know something I don't know what I want now. I am numb. And again I am crying all over again.<p>Why do they do this????<p>Lost

I know it will be the hardest thing to do... but you have to... FOCUS ONLY ON YOU...<p>You can only control YOU... You cannot control him... you cannot worry what he is doing... who he is seeing... IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU...<p>Your H has his own demons to fight and he, and he alone, can fight them.<p>Check out www.divorcebusting.com and Divorce Remedy for some specific actions that you can take in plan A. (I am presuming you have already read the basic concepts on this site, or Surviving an Affair and are aware of plan A... if not, DO SO!) <p>Hugs,
Cali

lost:<p>Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Move took longer than it should have! Still don't have our DSL connnection back up in the new rental, either. Have to find the installation disks or call tech support and ask for new ones. They'll probably charge me AGAIN for that!<p>"Is that why you call yourself 2long? You are awesome. Thank you.... Your insight has made me think of alot of things."<p>Glad I could help! But I'm just a regular guy. I'm not that tough, really, just check out some of my other threads to see for yourself! Things are getting better, though, almost daily.<p>"What does Anthropology have to do with psychology?"<p>They take a lot of human behavior classes, particularly in grad school.<p>"W sounds like my H. Do they think they did us a favor?"<p>My W actually said something like this a month ago. "I thought about divorcing you 11 years ago, but decided not to because I thought that if I did you wouldn't finish your PhD." So, she was telling me, in effect, that she decided to have the A instead as a favor to me! She didn't use those words, of course, but it was pretty obvious that's what her foggy brain was thinking!

"I was reading in a book ATA and it stated that sometimes the WS actually think they are doing the BS a favor. WHAT?????????"<p>Yep! <p>"When I first found out, I ran out of the house and jumped in my car and was actually going to drive off a bridge." <p>Good for you for not doing that! Your kids will be your salvation through this. Mine have been great. I've been having a great time working on hobbies with my son.<p>"What's with the contact thing that they don't understand. I bet if the shoe were on the other foot they would be livid, just as we were. My H said that he can't promise me that he won't see the ow. That's a major reason I am also finding it hard to believe him. If he were to tell me the sky was blue, I wouldn't believe him."<p>Same here. But if you check out my thread "Praise Jesus..." you'll see that this can change with the right help (in this case from our MC pushing the right buttons this week). <p>"Today in the morning he was very clingy with me, it was like he didn't want me out of his sight. Major fog. Oh my GOD I wish I was a mind reader."<p>My W doesn't cling that much, but occasionally does nevertheless. It's because we can't read minds that we're all in this mess! I encourage you to do things with your H as much as possible. Try being as upbeat as you can when you do, too. It will only help!<p>"I have told a few friends but all they could tell me was "I would of" situations. No one will ever know how hurtful this is unless they have been thru this themselves. That is why I find this site helpful. And I am thankful for people like you."<p>You're welcome. And I'm thankful for lots of other fine folks on this forum for the same reasons. Friends can't be of much help at all, because of the lack of personal experience. I think my situation is a good example of just how impossible it is to do anything about my W's A without knowing about it. My W keeps saying she tried to tell me things were wrong, but obviously she didn't give me enough information, because she clearly never said "I just shagged it with OM. What do you think about that?" That would have gotten my attention, even if I was watching a good episode of Farscape at the time.<p>"I still haven't called the ov but still have to find out how she looks. I don't want to sound conceided but I am very attractive but over weight."<p>You deserve the knowledge of just WHO the OW is, for avoidance purposes if nothing else. <p>"But since d-day I have lost 30lbs.. My H said for me not to lose weight for him, and I told him not to flatter himself. I told him that I am doing it for me. He didn't say anything to me after that. But he has told me that I was beautiful the other day. TALK ABOUT SHOCKED...."<p>Ah yes! The "infidelity diet"! Works wonders, doesn't it? In my case, I wish I had weighed myself before D-day, but last time I clocked in at 275 lbs (and I'm 6' tall). So for my build, that's about 65 lbs overweight. I bet I've lost about 25 at least, but I've not checked myself lately.<p>"Are you any better? Well it hasn't been that long for you either. So I thank you for giving me some kind of hope. Count your blessings at
least the om is not 10 minutes from your W work."<p>Am better. Again, check out my "praise jesus.." thread on "just found out" for an update (long). But take credit for what you've accomplished. I'm glad that I can help, but you're the one doing all the work! Don't forget that, and take pride in your accomplishments. <p>Yes, it's great for me that OM isn't nearby. I know plenty of guys that aren't so lucky (Baffled and Conan come to mind). This is still very hard, and I don't think it will get easy any time soon, but at least it's more rewarding knowing that my W is maybe coming out of the fog a bit and is willing to put some effort into our M.<p>"How is your house coming along. When it rains is pours. My FATHER passed away in June 01, Sep 18 2001 I was layed off and on the 22nd my H said he was leaving. In March 12, 2002 d-day... What a wonderful life................ Maybe when your house is restored you can start a real beginning with you W. With all that drama how can you even think. But I am in the same boat with you, the problem I have is I can't swim. "<p>I can't swim all that well, either! House is progressing, slowly but progressing. It's actually a pretty good anchor for our R. OM can't come close to competing with me in helping my W do stuff around the house. I actuallly believe that if I had time, I could rebuild the darn thing myself. I bet OM wouldn't know how to turn on a table saw, much less use one.<p>Take care. It sounds like you're doing better already!

2long,<p>I was doing o.k. at least I thought. On Wednesday I found my H at the ow house. I followed him to work and caught him in the parking lot. I went nuts and slapped him in the face. He ended up coming home with me and not going to work. I was crushed. He told me that he didn't think that we mattered to me that much. I almost died. I again cried and cried and cried. He told me that he promised me that he would never see/talk to ow again. When I first found out he told me that he couldn't promise me anything regarding the ow. I don't know what to do now. I was so upset I told him that I didn't want to try. He was so suprised and said what did you find someone else? How stupid.......... I of course was nasty and said that I wasn't him. Major LB..... But at that point I was so upset. He then said that he would try for the both of us. He said that he would try his hardest. I don't know what to do now. I am numb and I don't even like him right now. <p>I did read plan A and I was doing my best and that's what happened. Very difficult. Major let down. It hurt me more then the first time. H also told me that he would tell me everything about the ow but in his time. I said if that's what you want to do. I am not going to push it, I will just take things day by day and see what happens. <p>How are you? I am sorry that I haven't really seemed concered with you and your W but I am. I am just consumed with my situation right now. <p>Lost...............

yep... consumed... I remember being consumed... still can be consumed though it lasts on seconds or minutes instead of days and weeks and months...<p>As soon as YOU start focusing on YOU and take ACTION, you will be less consumed little by little...<p>...but you have to roll up your sleeves and get to work...<p>also remember that you will go through stages of grief, much like those that occur with death...<p>denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. you will move through these stages... back and forth... back and forth... until you get to acceptance... each person takes their own path and in their own time...<p>If you take the time to read the books about surviving infidelity... read the archived posts (noteable posts) on this site, you will begin to understand and make a plan for yourself... and that plan will change as you change and your H changes...<p>The rollercoaster does smooth out some, but the first month all you can do is look forward and want it to be over NOW... it's probably not going to happen now... you can't wish it all away... but you can learn and grow from it.<p>Hugs,
Have a good weekend,
Cali

lost:<p>Cali's right. You will become stronger, but you should not go to anything like plan b until you are and you feel like you've done a good plan a (and you are ready to divorce if it comes to that). <p>I remember being consumed as well. Still get that way from time to time, but I'm a lot better able to keep it to myself than I was before. All necessary to do a good plan A.<p>Don't worry about not focusing on my problem. This thread is for YOU, it's about YOU and your M. I'm glad that I can help here a little with some of what I've been going through, but this is really to help you.<p>Take care!

Cali,2long,<p>Today was a good day up untill I started to think. And now I am all upset & very angry with my H. He just don't understand....... I don't know what it is but I think that he don't care or he may want to just brush it under the carpet. I want to talk about it but he don't. Should I just wait untill he is ready? H told me that he would tell my but in time. YAH RIGHT... <p>Just when I thought that things were getting better. I am now going thru something which is weird. I don't know if I do love my H anymore. Nor do I know if I even want to be M to him. Is this normal? But then I don't want him to leave. CRAZY............... <p>Can you believe that I still have not received my SAA/HNHN. I finally e-mailed MB and just yesterday I spoke to someone and there was a mixup with my order. Hopefully I will receive my books soon. I am really trying Plan A and like I said I thought it was working. I will continue with Plan A even though I am depressed. <p>Hopefully this will pass.<p>I was going to tell my H how I was feeling but my feeling are realy negative right now and I don't want to LB even though I felt like it. REALLY REALLY BAD.<p>Lost
--------------------
together 18 years, married 10
d-day March 12, 2002
2 boys (9 & 7)
1 girl (3)

lost:<p>"Today was a good day up untill I started to think."<p>Boy, to I have days like that!!!<p>"And now I am all upset & very angry with my H. He just don't understand....... I don't know what it is but I think that he don't care or he may want to just brush it under the carpet. I want to talk about it but he don't. Should I just wait untill he is ready? H told me that he would tell my but in time. YAH RIGHT..."<p>You probably should try to wait until he's ready to tell you more, but he should also try to answer your questions when you need them answered. It's normal for the BS to appear to focus on the A, and normal for the WS to want the BS to just "get over it, already." If you are in MC together, the C will likely tell you both this. Ours did. It hasn't helped all that much yet in our case, but I'm hoping... <p>"Just when I thought that things were getting better. I am now going thru something which is weird. I don't know if I do love my H anymore. Nor do I know if I even want to be M to him. Is this normal? But then I don't want him to leave. CRAZY............... "<p>Oh yeah. This is also normal. I'm having a tough time myself right now, maybe BECAUSE things appear to be getting better, but they seem that way because we're just not talking about the A or our R all that much. I'm getting tired, feeling like I don't care, looking forward to the days when my W is out of town... that kind of thing. All the while, hoping that my W will really want to be with me, and telling me in no uncertain terms WHY she does, and assuring me that the A won't repeat. <p>"Can you believe that I still have not received my SAA/HNHN. I finally e-mailed MB and just yesterday I spoke to someone and there was a mixup with my order. Hopefully I will receive my books soon."<p>I bought HNHN at a local bookstore. I didn't buy any of the books that have written across the top in big bold letters "Surviving an A" or "After the A" - because we're in rental housing and I didn't want my son to see that on my nightstand. My D knows about the A. But I'm getting to the point that I don't feel like I'm quite getting all the information that I feel I need from the C'ing and this forum that I think I'll pick up a copy of one of those this week when my W is out of town... ...let her ask ME why I start reading this stuff NOW, when she thinks things are returning to "normal."

"I am really trying Plan A and like I said I thought it was working. I will continue with Plan A even though I am depressed."<p>I can tell from your posts over time on this thread that you are doing much better than initially. Even though you're depressed. (heck, so am I!) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>"Hopefully this will pass."<p>It will!<p>"I was going to tell my H how I was feeling but my feeling are realy negative right now and I don't want to LB even though I felt like it. REALLY REALLY BAD."<p>Good idea, not telling your H while you're depressed. I know it's hard, but if you wait until you can voice your concerns when you're NOT depressed, he'll be more inclined to listen. I know, it works with my W.

hi lost...<p>about a month into my rollercoaster ride, I started taking Celexa... it helped even out the bumps... the lows weren't as low...<p>yeah... that thinking thing is a bummer. I sometimes have to take MB vacations because I start to think so much... so I quit posting... quit focusing on marriage and affairs... just focus on me and family...<p>remember that you will be going through a grieving process... much like that of grieving a death... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance... and you don't go through the stages straight through... more like back and forth, back and forth staying a little longer in each stage until you finally get to and through acceptance... <p>just do your best... that's all you can do, and your best will be different dependent upon mood and circumstance... as long as you do your best, you can have few regrets.<p>take care,
Cali

Cali,<p>I would like to congratulate you on your first year of survival. Thank you........ for your insight. I don't know what I would be doing if it wasn't for you and MB. T <p>I have been on meds since December. I can't even imagine how I would of reacted if I wasn't. I was totally hysterical both times. And I take wellbutrin 2x a day. I am really trying. I don't know what got into me, I guess I was just tired and I am still tired. Having a hard time sleeping since d-day2 (ea, so H says). Only a week ago 04-17-2002. <p>The stages that you talked about are posted where in this forum? I tell you I know that I am in the depression mode. Today all I did was cry. When my H is home, I usually go to a different room when I am on the verge of tears. <p>When my H called from work today. I told him that I was sorry if I seemed distant I was just thinking. And he said that he understood. WOW!!!! There is a first for everything. I don't know where we are going but I am trying. I go to counseling on Thursday and H asked if he could go. Another shock.......... I don't know if I want him to go though. <p>Strange things are happening.
Rollercoaster big time.<p>Lost