Ok, I was working so hard at not thinking of H's A. When it would come to mind I quickly thought of something else. I told him on Monday that I was going to focus on us and the marriage and how when I keep bringing up the A it is only rehashing things. I want to be positive and get rid of this negative energy. I don't want to waste any of my energy on the OW anymore and that I wanted to take that power away from her because she isn't worth it. Well I did good Monday night, Tues, Wed & Thurs morning but then bam! Thurs night we went to eat and I got real quiet keep running it through my mind. Thinking why am I staying with him, I should throw him out. I deserve better! If he didn't have enough respect for me to say no, why should I stay now. I feel like a failure! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Not because of what he did but because I'm staying with him. Part of me loves him and know he is who I want to be with, then the other part hates him and wants to see if there is someone better. I don't even like love songs anymore. I used to hear them and think I've got that. Now I hear them and I think what a fool I didn't have that. I'm afraid if I'm already think negative thoughts I'll ruin another weekend. We go to the MC tomorrow which I'm sure will start it rolling! God, I hate this. I know I'm going through this for a reason but boy I really need him to carry me now. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Boy - I came on this morning to write about this very issue, and wham! somebody else is dealing with it too! I wish I knew what to do with those images, feelings and how they affect us. It's particularly distressing for me to see that others still have them with such intensity months after entering recovery. <p>I run the same gamut - I think everything's going well, I feel like we're moving forward. Then this morning, for no discernible reason, I spent 30 minutes envisioning their meetings, what was said, done, etc. And that leads to my thinking I'm an idiot for putting up with it, and making me wonder about my own integrity and self-esteem.<p>And then I don't want to bring up these issues to my WH, because there is really nothing he can do to make it better, and all I would be doing is trying to make him hurt as much as I do.<p>Sounds like chocolate for breakfast this morning might be in order.

Hi, STY & KS,<p>These feelings are natural. I have them sometimes. I think that is why they talk about a 2-3 year recovery period. <p>It helps me to talk about my feelings with my H. I know he can't do anything to "fix" them, but it helps me to share them, for him to reaffirm that he loves me, that I am the woman of his dreams, that he is going to work as hard as it takes to make our M work, that he is not going to give up, that he regrets the A and the choice he made, that he would go back and change things if he could, that he is sorry and it hurts him every time he thinks about how much pain and hurt he has caused me (which he says he thinks about alot but doesn't want to say anything in case he triggers more pain for me). I think it is an important part of the healing process for the WS to reassure the BS. Talking about this and sharing feelings brings us closer together and that makes me feel more secure in the M. <p>You need to be careful how you share these feelings with your H. It should be about what you feel -- not what he did. You need to reassure him that you are not saying these things to cause him pain or punish him. You need to make the M and R conversations a safe place for your H. It is not easy, but I find that each time this happens, I go longer until the next time that I am really overwhelmed by these emotions. Don't get me wrong, I think about the A and the OW many times each day, but most days it is just a thought, not deep overwhelming pain and despair.<p>Regarding being a fool to stay -- I also have those feelings. I think they are natural also. When I start to go down that path (how horrible a person my H was for doing this, that there has to be a better person out there who would not do this to me, that if I had self-respect I would leave, etc) I make a conscious decision to remember some wonderful memories of my H, our M and the qualities I love about my H. I think it takes a stronger, more mature person to see the faults in someone and love them in spite of the fact that they have stumbled. (If you are a Christian, doesn't this sound like someone you know, the man who loved us so much he loved us in spite of our sins and took those sins upon himself.)<p>I know the weekends are long. The only advice I can give you is to try to do things that are fun and to keep busy. How about some RC with you H? That might help if you are doing something together that helps you get your mind off things.<p>Hope this helps a little. It is hard. You do not lack respect for yourself for not leaving -- you are making a mature decision that you love your H (in spite of failures) and you are a strong, generous, forgiving person for that effort.<p>Hang in there, it will get better.<p>FHO

thanks FHO your response is very helpful. I will try to remember them as I go into the weekend. I know I'm a strong person for staying to leave would be easier. I just feel some shame staying, not that anyone has said anything to me but I feel the people at work who know think I'm foolish. I read in the books that most people who are not going through this think they would kick'em out until they are faced with it. It's just that no one talks about this like they should. Like Peggy Vaughn has said if people were open about this there wouldn't been any secrecy which would hinder one of the temptations of adultery. My mom even said to me I wish you didn't tell anyone. Kinda feeds the shame of it. <p>KS - yes going by this forum there are many many people who feel like we do. Such a shame isn't it. Infidelity touches too many people as far as I'm concerned! <p>I'm going to try and do my best.<p>Thanks,
STY

STY,<p>Yes, I know what you mean about the shame, feeling that others respect you less because you did not stand up for yourself and were a doormat. All I can say is that none of these things are true. Remember, that the people who think those things have never experienced this (YET -- you never know what will happen in a marriage, the stats for adultery are frightening). If they were in the actual situation I believe their decision would be different.<p>Good luck. Just concentrate on taking things day by day and sometimes minute by minute when appropriate.<p>FHO

I made it through the weekend!!!! We actually had a pretty good weekend. We went to the MC on Sat. and it went pretty well. I didn't cry and I told her I think I'm actually in a better place. I'm trying not to dwell on the A, I told her that it has become easier on it's own as well as it taking effort. I do think about it but try to distract myself right away. I did say it would be more helpful to our relationship if my H would let himself work through the emotions instead of blocking it out completely. He has never been an emotional person. He said something during the visit about how he shows me affection by rubing my back and that he doesn't not like me to do the same to him. She then started asking him why he doesn't like that etc. This brought up his childhood and how he was never shown affection and he was moved constantly and lived with different people etc. So she suggested he should think about counciling himself. Which I said yes we were having the discussion and I thought he might need to go himself because of how he was dealing with this. (Felt so good to be validated [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ). I'm very excited about this. I think this will actually help us move forward. I'm glad to say I think we are on our way! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

You are so not alone in these feelings, my H and had a great weekend and then last night out of the blue I started to get really down, and started second guessing myself about whether I am making the right choice staying with him, He has been wonderful since d-day, but I just can't stop thinking about it, it has even started to invade my dreams. To read my story you can read my post at "what should I do now"? infidelity.
I hope all works out for you and all of us.

STY,<p>Glad you had a good weekend. Yes, it does help when you get validation. I think it probably is a good idea your H go to IC. It has really helped my H to learn about why he deals with things in certain ways. It will probably also help him work through to the whys of the A -- his whys (what in him made him make this choice, which intellectually he had to know would be hurtful, destructive and would inflict incredible pain upon his spouse).<p>It feels great to be more positive.<p>FHO

I'm looking forward to him going to IC. I feel like something has been lifted off my shoulders. I not very religious but we found a church in the area (we moved her 1+ yrs ago) and started attending after d-day. Kind of off and on. Our son would get bored plus I don't like to get up early. Anyway, we where going to make it a point to go to the 8am mass and then have breakfast then the flea market. Last week at church I was a wreck, my eyes teared almost the whole time. Of course when we were leaving the priest greets everyone and since we are new she makes it a point to see us. Well I knew she could tell I was troubled but she just said she was glad to see us. This Sunday while in church I prayed to God to please take this from me, because the burden was to heavy and this was when I needed him the most and to please carry me because I had had enough. Like I said I'm not very religious but I think he is carring me because I feel so much better. When leaving the priest said good morning and how are you? You all look good today. I knew she knew and could see a difference. I feel there actually is hope, and we had a great day that day and so far things are going good. <p>Just wanted to add that.<p>sty [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]