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<small>[ July 12, 2002, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: DistressedHusband ]</small>

dear distressed husband- i am so sorry for your pain. i understand it. i too am a betrayed spouse. i would in a non confrontational-i know that is gonna be hard-tell her you know. allowing her to go without doing this you may regret. there will be enough painfull thoughts in your head to deal with. now dont get me wrong, im not saying stop her, we cant force anyone to do anything. but let her know you know. if she is then planning a meeting with him for a little r/r she will surely be distracted. if she is really going to go to figure things out, thats good, but she needs to know you know and still want the relationship. you have to learn as much as you can right now about plan a and the principals here- read and read and read some more. others will come on and help. hang in there

Distressed, I have to say I am amazed at your control! When I found out about my WH's affairs, I was able to keep my mouth shut for all of about 2 hours before confronting him. I can't imagine how sick and horrible you must feel carrying this inside you.<p>And while I am certainly no expert, I would share the same fears you have about her "time away." I know that in that situation, I would zip on up to the cabin and check out was going on myself (fully recognizing that this is a big LB).<p>Good luck getting through this week!!<p>KS

OK, dh, let's get to work.<p>You say you've read a lot on this site and the Harley's books. Exactly what have you read?<p>What is your understanding of Plans A and B?<p>At this very early point in your challenge, you will be FAR ahead to get started counseling with one of the Harleys. This does not mean you can't also counsel face to face with someone when your W is ready. But that may be a while.<p>Before I say anything else let me say this: your journey will be very long and difficult. But if successful, the destination will be very rewarding.<p>For now, concentrate on your Plan A and your kids. DO NOT fixate on the potential activities of your W. My bet is that she's off with OM on this "retreat." Maybe not, but it doesn't matter. This is not about him. The affair is merely the symptom of bigger problems.<p>Even if she comes home and tells you you're "history", try your best to NOT get emotional and condemning. Expect her to say this. Everything you describe of her actions and statements is right out of the WS script. This should supply a small amount of comfort to you to know your case is very likely to be typical and predictable - up to a point.<p>If you haven't already done so, study WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses - located as a post further down on this forum board.<p>Come back and tell us more, OK?

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<small>[ July 12, 2002, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: DistressedHusband ]</small>

If you have the evidence you say you do, I think you should confront her with it - if you can do so calmly.<p>But, her reaction will likely be extremely defensive for the same reasons you cite as her "repungent" reception to counseling. She will accuse you of not trusting her, blah, blah, blah.<p>But, is there any possibility that your evidence may be wrong? Do you have any other evidence such as cell phone bills, etc? It may be rare that BSs have the full on evidence you have. It's more often less direct and easier to lie about.<p>So, my conclusion is to wait until she returns. See if she had any revelations, and assuming she didn't wake up, ask her directly if she's having an affair without showing your hand immediately. You'll get the denials and counter accusations - then pull out the underwear when you're sure she's gonna stay in deny mode. Then duck.<p>You will then become public enemy #1. Everything will be your fault and you're an ogre for snooping around in her business. She will likely rant and rave and make the wildest hypocritical statements you've ever heard.<p>But, she might also crumble into a fetal position and wimper.<p>I hope you get some more input on this.<p>If you are able to counsel with the Harleys soon, you may want to hold off to get their guidance.<p>In the meantime, get Surving An Affair, by the Harleys. There are numerous other terrific books out there to research.<p>Good luck,
WAT<p>WAT

yes let her know - I did the same test. see my results in some of the other forums. My wife claims the test is a hoax. Bullsh*t. That was a curveball I did not expect. Good luck