Hello all! <p>I am new here and unfortunately have a situation that I need your input on. I am 5 months pregnant and I found out about three weeks ago that my husband had been “seeing” a woman for about two months . I had suspected this for a while because I had discovered an unfamiliar number on my husband’s cell phone but it was confirmed when I found a card in his car thanking him for a night out. From what both he and the other woman said (I talked to them both on separate occasions) both say that it wasn’t a “dating” relationship but more of a friendship (there was no sex involved). He met the woman bowling which he does (or used to do…LOL) every Sunday and they became friends. She had just moved to our city and was dealing with the fact that her father was dying (he unfortunately died the day that I found out about the relationship which I found out from an email that he received from her).<p>Now, my issue is that 1) my husband admitted that his initial approach was not innocent and that he didn’t tell her that he was married. We had been having some problems and he was afraid so that is the way he dealt with it. 2) I have seen the cell phone bills and he talked to her quite often and he went out with her one night and told me that he was with a male friend of his. <p>Since I found out we have talked a lot. He has stopped talking to this woman (so he says) and actually said that he tried to tell her the week before I found out that he couldn’t talk to her anymore. She told me the day that I talked to her that she wouldn’t be contacting him again because he was dishonest with her by not telling her he was married. <p>I have asked God to help me to forgive him so that we can begin to rebuild and I am trying for the sake of this baby in me but it is soooo hard to trust him. I loved this man so much and despite our ups and downs I tried hard to make him happy. So to think that at the fear of us breaking up he would just approach someone else almost kills me.<p>He is saying that he wants me to stay and loves being married to me but that he made a stupid mistake. He said that he knew it was wrong and felt horrible about it. He has said several times that he’s sorry and has been very attentive to me . I believe that he has learned his lesson and I beleive that he’s sorry he hurt me but I am just so afraid that this is only for now and that down the line he may be weak again. I don’t want to have to divorce when there is a child involved because I don’t want my baby to go through this. If that’s going to happen I’d rather divorce now but of course I don’t know the future and don’t want to regret my choice.<p>Also, because both of us have had to take off of work a lot for doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds and because I am saving time to be out for maternity leave, we haven’t had much time for marriage counseling. <p>Sorry for rambling but I just need some other experiences or advice to help me through this. I am so confused and I love him but I am afraid I will never be as in love with him as I was before.
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Oh. I forgot to add that we have been married for 3 years and this is our first child. We are both 27 yrs old.

I'm so sorry your going through this at a time in which you should be focusing on the future with your unborn child. <p>I'm pretty new at this myself but I will give you what little bit I know.<p>If you love your H and want to make this marriage work you have to Plan A your butt off - Honestly, I would keep checking up on him (cell phone charges, knowing where he is at all times, etc..) and as long as he is honest with you and doesnt have a problem letting you know what he is doing at all times then go with it. <p>From the sounds of it - He made a huge mistake and wants to make up for it, you need to 100% honest with each other - Read "His needs, Her Needs" and fill out the EN's questionare, we found that they both really helped. I havent read "Surviving an Affair" yet but have heard from many others that is really helps.<p>Good luck - I hope you can find the answers you are looking for.

Thanks for your response! We have the His Needs Her Needs book and we're supposed to be doing the EN and LB questionaires tonight.

at this point and tme you can not trust him. trust takes time... you and he need to take the time to meet each others needs, spend time tgether, and work to feel good together again.
Good Luck.... it takes 100% from both of you.

Resilient Joy,<p>I'm so sorry you have to go through this - especially while you are pregnant. I am so hopeful for you though. It sounds like your husband made a mistake and is truly sorry and trying to make up for it.<p>It's a good idea to buy the Surviving an Affair book and have both of you read it. It sounds like he didn't get very far with this woman and he left a lot of red flags for you - maybe he really wanted to be discovered and stopped on a subconscience level.<p>My story is far worse and I won't go into it tonight - but I want you to know you CAN get through this. Take care of yourself now. I know it's hard, especially with being pregnant. You won't always feel this pain. It's hard to believe but it will eventually fade in time.<p>But you MUST be vigilant and find out how he is spending his time. If he is truly sorry he will let you know what he's doing every day. Make him accountable. This let's him know you really do care so much.<p>Check out Shattered Vows at findarticles.com - it's an excellent overview of affairs.<p>I wish you all the best, RJ. Hang in there. You have found a great support group here.<p>Esther (35)
WH (36)
Married 10 years
He had affairs for over 5 years
3 wonderful kids (main reason I'm still with him)

Thanks for all of your comments. I think H is really starting to realize his mistake. He has been calling me throughout the day to check on me and I guess to let me know that he is not anywhere he shouldn't be. He's been pretty honest (I guess) about the relationship and I can see that the hurt that he caused both me and the OW is really getting to him. He said last night that he knew he needed to get back in right relations with God and he is working hard to be a good husband and father-to-be. I'm hoping this is all true. We are praying together and he is working on the EN and LB questionaires so that we can go over that. It's only been a few weeks so I'm still scared and I'm still doing a little "snooping" here and there. Hopefully things can work out.<p>Thanks again! (any other comments are appreciated)

You have come to the right place. We all feel/have felt what you are going through. The first thing you must do is educate yourself about infidelity. I recommend the book "The Monogamy Myth" you can get it at www.dearpeggy.com or at www.amazon.com. It was extremely helpful to me. I've read about 5 to 6 books on the subject. Make sure your H reads it as well. I bought the tapes for my H and he listened to them twice. There is hope for you and your H, but the road will be rocky. I am just coming to a place of peace and it has been 3 months since d-day. You really should look in MC I know we were able to go on weekends. Good luck, keep posting.<p>sty<p>
My story

You sound like you are doing well. I have found that women almost never have affairs unless they aren't getting what they want/need from a relationship. That's due to the nesting instinct where they want to absorb themselves into one, safe, comfortable, fulfilling relationship. Men, on the other hand, can have an affair just because he is lusting and it is available. No I'm not a male-basher. I am a male myself but one who can tell the truth. However, it should not be discounted that a man can have unmet needs in a relationship and you should ask your H for the hard truth. Ask all the questions you can think of about why this happened. Some disagree with me but if you can do this in an understanding way and not a condescending way where you both are clear that you want to understand what about this relationship attracted him because you want to be his everything, it will bring you closer. Through him being conditioned that he can talk to you about EVERYTHING, he will lose his propensity to conceal because he will not associate telling you unpopular things with getting in trouble. Hope some of that helps.

Thanks, DSF!<p>We talked about some things that may have attracted him to relationship. He admitted that he was weak in that because we were having some problems he got scared and seeked companionship elsewhere instead of coming to me. He knows that was wrong and he is working on that "run away" syndrome. We did the ENQ and I already knew that he had been having some household issues because I am not the most organized person and he is very anal as it relates to the organization of a home so of course that had become a big problem. One thing that kind of hurt me was that he said that he is very attracted to me but he sometimes wished that I was little more risky in my hair and clothing. I have always prized myself on being a "natural" beauty and not very vain so I don't put alot of focus on fashion.
I'm taking into consideration his needs but sometimes I think that he believes that his needs are more important than mine. He seems to downplay the things I want. I have started to read "The Power of a Praying Wife" and it is helping me to realize how to talk to God about my issues and his but it is STILL extremely hard for me to trust him. I have had thoughts as to whether I would even be able to continue in the relationship but I am holding on until our son is born and I am just praying that my heart and changes and that he is a better husband. I may try to set up my own counseling with the Pastor of my church but as I said it is a little hard for me to take off to do prenatal appointments and trying to save time for maternity leave.<p>Thanks!

Hi Resilient! In some ways, we are in similar positions. I am also at three weeks out, and my husband is really trying very hard to work on the relationship. Calling, reading, trying to talk more, flowers, cards. And we've also realized through the EN questionnaire that there are definitely some of his needs I was not meeting. Like you, I was really surprised when he said he would like me to do some more with make-up. Not insulted - just shocked!<p>And also like you, although my situation seems much better than some others, I question whether this will work, whether I can tough it out, and sometimes, whether it's worth it. No answers yet, just the questions, the depression, etc. etc. Hang in there!

Hello all,<p>I have an update and a question. <p>First of all, everything is going well with my H and I. He’s doing everything he can to meet my needs and I am doing everything I can to meet his. He is also being very supportive of the pregnancy (not that he wasn’t before) and is checking in with me throughout the day so that I know where he is. We are talking more and spending more time together.<p>The problem is 1) I was soooo attracted to my husband before. I used to be on cloud nine just thinking about him. Now, every time I get like that even remotely I remember what he did and get paranoid about falling in love with him again.
2) Before this whole affair thing my husband had a few female friends and, though I never really liked it, I felt comfortable with it because they were long time friends and I trusted that the relationships were innocent. Now, the relationships are almost unbearable to me. I’m afraid that they will turn into affairs, too. Not only do I hate that, but I hate to hear about any interaction between he and women at work, as innocent as it may be. I was never insecure like this and it’s driving me crazy. I know I probably need to talk to someone ( a counselor) about this but I just wanted to post here to get it off my chest.<p>TIA!
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resilientjoy<p>You wrote:<p>"The problem is 1) I was soooo attracted to my husband before. I used to be on cloud nine just thinking about him. Now, every time I get like that even remotely I remember what he did and get paranoid about falling in love with him again.
2) Before this whole affair thing my husband had a few female friends and, though I never really liked it, I felt comfortable with it because they were long time friends and I trusted that the relationships were innocent. Now, the relationships are almost unbearable to me."<p>I felt the same way about my W before I found out about the PA's she had last year. I have always been attracted to her that way despite the normal "wear and tear" we all go through in life. Now, even though she still turns me on, I have difficulty with the intimacy. I don't know about you, but the images of her with the 2 OM drive me insane sometimes. They are in my head even as we are having sex. Hard to explain but it's there. She also has many male friends and because she chose a mutual friend and a friend of her family to have these PA's with, it makes me wonder about all of her relationships with men. Any of them could turn into another A easily, in my mind. Frequent phone calls from her won't help me because I have talked to my W several times daily from work for years and she still did this, practically under my nose. I feel stupid for trusting her so much! I don't know how she can assure me that nothing is happening. I only have her word to go on.<p>What you are feeling is so normal. I am afraid of falling in love again too. I don't want to be Blind Sided again! The biggest thing I can tell you is that time, lots of time, is needed before you can heal and trust in him again. It won't happen in a day, a week, a month, maybe not even a year! If you two are actively working together to mend and grow, it will be possible once again to get back those wonderful feelings. I certainly don't have them yet. My D-Day was 3/10/02, so I am still in a lot of hurt and distrust. And even though one of my W's EN's is to have more romance between us, I sure as hell ain't feeling very romantic right now! Keep working and give it time. Hopefully, the reward for you will worth it.