i don't know what else to do so i am posting. got home from work to find the house empty, two hours later she comes in with our four children. she has to hurry to get to work so i don't want to bother her too much with talk but situation is volatile here and i can't stop from trying to see where she is at today. instead i ask the oldest(7) where they went today and he says to her friend's house and oh yeah, we stopped by OM's house. ask her if this means its time to have the children involved in her A and she says no. ask her if they did anything and she says a peck. ask her if DC saw it and she says no, i don't think so. i'm crying and she doesn't care (of course) there seems to be no end to this pain and no relief in sight either. still not sure how to proceed but i have emptied the account and am thinking of taking DC's to relatives for weekend. not that it will bother WW she'll just be free to sleep late and see OM in my home if she chooses. after she leaves i ask the oldest if WW did anything that upset him and he says "i don't think she likes you anymore because she kissed OM." MY HEART BREAKS AS I SEE THE PAIN IN HIS EYES! and i wonder how she can be this way when she used to be so loving and caring and very considerate of others feelings. please help me before i go harm OM in search of justice or meaning. i don't want to go to jail but right now i think it actually would make me feel better.<p>"to thine own self be true"<p>previous posts in divorcing/divorced under wife wants divorce after 7 years/4 children and in plan A/ plan B under help me understand and apply plan A.

Faust,
Please listen to my words carefully. Your children need you more than ever. If you hurt the OM then you will go to jail. Your children will be crying for you and they will be spending all of the time with your wife and the OM. You will lose their self-respect and you will lose your job and you will be just another loser in everyone's eyes.
The fact is that your wife is not worth it. You were a whole person before you met her and your will be a whole person after. Beating up the OM
will bring great sympathy to the OM by your wife.
The bottom line is that she is not worth it and your children are worth it. You must not abandon your children by going to jail. Finally ask yourself why you wish to be with a wife who does not care about your pain or you and enjoys lying and cheating on you. Do you really wish to destroy your life and hurt your children for this woman? I hope you think long and hard about what I have said. You will find new happiness down the road.

I agree with BryanP that your emphasis should be on you and your children. Your WW does not care for all of you at this moment and hurting OM is destructive and counterproductive. Think about it like this, if your W did not give in to the A there would not be an OM because ,in a fashion, your W brought OM into existence. And even if he was to disappear from the face of the Earth after you beat the crap out of him, your W could simply choose another one to take his place from the rest of the men in this world. So you see how violence against OM is counterproductive?<p>I too considered violence against my now xW and her OM, but I thank the good Lord for immediately throwing a bucket of cold water reality in my face by showing me the faces of my two girls and how stupid such a thing as violence against ANYBODY is to begin with.<p>What you need to do is start living your life as though she was no longer a part of yours because you have got to face the possibility that is what may await you in the future. I sincerely hope that this is not the case, but you've got an obligation not only to yourself but to your children as well to start dealing with this possible outcome.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

posting again cuz i got nothing but time on my hands and pain in my heart. lets say d-day was fri. 04/19/02. as i posted earlier she brought the OM for a ride somewhere with my children in the car also. during this event she kissed him and my oldest(7) saw it. i left with the kids to spend the weekend at my brothers when i found out. saturday i returned to the house to pick up items i'd forgotten the night before and we had words. only she wanted to run away and not talk and i prevented her from leaving and did some things maybe i shouldn't have done. i'm very sad now cuz i know it is over and there's no going back nor is there any chance for reconcilliation. not for me or her. returned to house sunday with kids so they could see her only she stayed gone 'til this morning. asked her if she'd been at work and she told me she took personal leave 'til she can get some things done. not sure but i think she may be at this moment filing a restraining order against me under false pretenses to have me removed from house. BTW this morning i was told she turned EA into PA, to quote her "i f@%#$d him!". and she has a nice purple hickie on her neck right up front for the whole world to see.<p>so there, i'm waiting for a lawyer to call me back so i can file before she does. stupid OM left voicemail on our phone and now i have copy of it. intentions are to sue him for breaking up the marriage and name him as co respondent in divorce. not sure yet if this is possible in my state but i'm sure as hell gonna try.<p>funny how 4 months ago i thought even though we were not doing that well we had come a long way in therapy and the pot of gold would start paying off soon. then find out she had 1 PA over a period of two weeks and became pregnant. i am fixed so thats why she confessed to me and asked to work it out still. only to change her mind 2 months later. <p>had i found this site sooner it may have done some good. but even after having the 1st PA she wasn't willing to change a thing about herself to try and save our marriage. and now she just can't stand me and i'll suffer so much before i realize that i'm a better person than that and she is the one who caused all this and its not some bizarre application of karma or me having to pay for all the times i may have hurt her and not cared. anyway it'll soon be over (not soon enough) and i will have to learn to stop loving her, i think her attitude towards me is helping a little with that tho' and i know i deserve better than what i have now.<p>"to thine own self be true"