I'm new to this site and I really need some help. I just found out that my H has been emailing a friend of mine. The emails are very sexual and very graphic. I feel so betrayed and devestated. Is this considered an affair? This never went further than the emails but the things my H said I can't get out of my head. The girl he was emailing printed out all their emails for me. I shouldn't have read them, I didn't want to read them, but I did.
My husband is very remorseful. We've had some bumps in our 12 years together, but nothing like this. The problem is I work with this girl and I have to face her on Monday. I don't know how I am ever going to recover from this.
Can somebody help me? I don't know where to start. I haven't slept all night, haven't eaten. I don't know what to do. I can't even look at my husband. My thoughts are very scattered so forgive me if I don't make any sense. I'm just so sad!
Andrea

Neverthought, we are so sorry for your pain.
You will find a lot of support here. <p>Although you are hurting and most likely finding it very difficult to focus, I hope you will read the material for newcomers--it will be a big help.
Yes, I would say this classifies as an A. Again, so sorry for your pain.<p>I wonder why the girl printed off your h's emails?
You may very well want to take Monday off just to sort through your feelings. <p>It is a good sign that your H is remorseful. What he needs to do now is cut off all contact with that woman...granted, it may not be easy since she is your co-worker. <p>You have a difficult chore in facing her--you need to try and somehow remain calm while letting her know she has absolutely NO right to your husband. I hope she is ashamed and will seek some counselling.<p>I know more people will be along with advice...just wanted to write a simple expression of sympathy and support and to encourage you to share your feelings here--and your questions. I pray your H will agree to enter counselling with you and that healing will come for you both.<p>Hugs,

Thanks Freshstart,
It must be obvious that I'm a little scattered, I can't even spell my screen name right!
After much discussion with my H about these emails, he said that he didn't mean anything that he said. Don't know if I believe him or not considering the things he was saying.
She printed out the emails because I asked her too. She saved all the emails while my H deleted them. That bothers me. Also, this is going to go through the rumor mills at work because her best friend also works at my company and already knows a lot, if not all of what happend. The friend has already told another coworker about this. I just don't know how I can face anyone at work on Monday or any other day for that matter. I am so angry right now. How stupid can my H be? What was he thinking? He doesn't even know the answer to that!
I'm really confused and don't know if I can trust him again. Let alone look at him. This is not a happy house right now!
Thanks again for your reply.
Andrea

Welcome neverthougtidbehere...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Consider some counseling and ....
Check out... World Wide Marriage Encounter and or Retrouvaille<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

I feel for you, the same thing happened to me with my husband of 20 years and his cousin he hadn't seen or talked to in 35. Well i saw the same e-mails and they had an affair sexual one at that he even made plans to leave me his job everything. All on the computer, I read them all, can't forget the words either, he says it meant nothing, The things thaat woman told me, i lost 20 lbs and still am in shock, if you would like to talk feel free, I know how you feel, just watch your back. He kept telling me oh it's just the way she talks, bull!!!!!!!!!!never will trust him again, just be careful.

Also, if any one can give me suggestions I would appreciate it, he even went to visit her and told me all this when he came home. help

Thank you all so much. I am really trying to sort this all out. My H and I are headed for some rough waters and hopefully, we will come out okay. We are going to have to go through some type of counseling. My H probably needs it more than I. He is extremely sorry and remorseful for hurting me so badly. In fact, I have never seen him this way before. He said that he meant nothing about what he was emailing this girl. I really wish I didn't read them. I really, really wish I didn't. I can't get those words out of my head. I can't forget what was said. Its all too much right now.
I am also deeply hurt by this "so called" friend. Although I am not close with her, I feel she lied to me as well. The emails only went on for a week, but still that's still long enough to cause me pain. I just can't believe that they would both do this to me. I have a lot to sort out.
Thanks so much. I really need a lot of support. I love my husband and family dearly and I don't want to lose what I have. I am very scared.
Andrea

Hi,
I am so sorry that you are here.
Like others have said read everything on this site and keep posting. Others here have given me great advice at times when I thought that I had reached the end of my road. Both of you should consider both Individual and marriage cousnselling.<p>I know it is hard to think straight at the moment. Consider seeing your doctor for something to sleep. I couldn't eat or sleep for ages and almost ended up in hospital until my C took me to doctor. I also suggest if you have any sick leave to take some time off work. I tried to go to work when I first found out a bout this but started having panic attacks at work. In the end they suggested I take some time off which was the best thing. I am sure you doctor would give you a certificatte if you need one. If you can't eat or sleep you can hardly function at work.
Try to eat. Just a bite here or ther if you find you can't swallow a lot.<p>One thing, why did your friend show you the emails? Was she an active participant or just the receiver. If it had only been a week, was it her conscience or was ther some ulterior motive. My point is don't be too quick to right her off as a friend. Painful as it was to read them It just might saave your marriage that she had the courage to show you and come clean with you. I think it is a true friend that is honest and lets you know about this rather than deceive you or not tell you because it might hurt you. Of course if it was not to help you this would not be the case.<p>The OW in my case was my best friend and I wish she had told me what my H was doing rather than becoming his lover 13 years ago briefly and then having a six year affir with him later. I wish she had told me of her attraction to my H.<p>What your friend has done is exactly what I wish mine had done. Of course I might be completely off base here because you don't say why she showed you. <p>Anyway if I can be of any help let me knoe and I am thinking of you. The people on recovery thread have given me great advice too. You might try posting there as well.
C&S

Neverthought, I'm really sorry to hear about this. I can really relate to you, on my b-day my husband and I went out with our "best friends?" and they came over to our house afterwards. This couple decided to ask us to swap partners, I said No, he said Yes! We didn't, but it's only because I didn't want to. Her husband was really persistant, but anyways, I found out that while I was talking to her husband my husband told her he "would like to f### " her. Guess how I found out what he said? She told me, I don't know why these women feel the need to tell us what our husbands said. I honestly believe in my case she told me this to hurt me, make me jealous, and kind of in a way to get me to do the swapping thing. Anyways, it has been 6 months, still bothers me. Oh yeah, I work with this woman too! We both are aerobic instructors, and the funny thing is, she has like 15 people in her classes while I have around 50. She told me on two seperate occassions that this really bothered her and that she was jealous of me because i had bigger classes and people really like me. My students are always buying me gifts and doing things for me, while she can't even get people to come to her classes. Another funny thing? I already knew she was jealous of me, it was OBVIOUS but I decided to befriend her anyways. It's really hard to face her at work, I get so mad and just want to tell all the students what a backstabbing, unhealthy partner swapping bi#** she is!!! I guess I could use some advice too! Hugs and good wishes to you. Maybe your friend is jealous of you too? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Delicia,<p>I'm so sorry for what you went (and still are) going through. I have been asking myself over and over why she saved all the emails. I did ask her to print them out because I wanted to see what was said, BIG MISTAKE. I really wish I didn't read any of them. I really don't understand what this girl or my H were thinking. My H is so remorseful that what he is going through is almost worse than what I am going through. He is so depressed for causing me so much pain that I really feel for him. He told me everything he said in the emails were lies, that he got caught up in the moment. He will be turning forty in a couple months. (Could this be a mid-life crisis?) He said he was kind of flattered that 22 yr. old would respond to him the way she did.
The really sick part about this though is that I feel she set him or us up. She said she only went along to "see how far he would go." She never even apologized to me for her part. She feels he started it but why did she have to respond? I just hope and pray I can get through tomorrow okay. Pray for me because I am very nervous about going to work. She is very slutty and loves, craves attention. She is very smug. The look on her face when she handed me the copies was so digusting. She had a little smirk on her face the whole time. The emails were really graphic and totally not my H. What the H*** was he thinking?
Thanks to everyone for your help. I really need it?
A

Hi again,<p>Sorry for asking you to consider that your exfriend may have been trying to help you. From your last post I gather that was not the case. It sounds like she was so proud of herself. What a *****. <p>You and your H need to completely remove this person from your lives. She is not your friend. It is hard. The OW in my case had been my friend for 31 years. I found it very hard to understand her part in it. I had truly loved her as a friend and felt doubly betrayed.<p>One thing that helped me find closure was writing a letter to her where I expressed my feelings about our friendship, her part in affair as well as the effect on my H & I relationship, me. I was able to really get my thoughts out. I never sent it. I would suggest not to. The writing of it really helped me.<p>I don't envy you having to work with her. That is very hard.<p>Anyway hang in there. I am thinking of you. I am so sorry that this has happened.
Regards C&S

Neverthought, man, this girl sounds just like my friend. This is weird, my husband is the same way, he has been doing everything he can to make up for it. Says it's because they pushed so hard, says he wouldn't have really gone through with it (yeah right) just was drunk, got caught up in the moment. My friend never did apologize either, she kept trying to get together with us, kept calling me, telling me we were friends, finally my husband called her and told her that she was no friend, that they took advantage of us when we were drunk and that he thought she was trash. After that she kept calling me, and I finally had to tell her that I did not consider her my fried, as far as I was concerned, we just worked together. I still want to tell all of the students what she is. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

P.Ps. I still wonder whose idea it was, her or her husbands. I really hope it was his, because at least I wouldn't feel so betrayed. Just wanted to tell you I will pray for you and your marriage. One thing I have started to do is pay more attention to husband. Maybe if I become his fantasy, he won't go anywhere else, maybe he will. who knows?

Lots of good advice - this is really a comforting place to be. My husband has done this exact same thing three times now, and believe me, I know just how devastating, sickening and absolutely gut-wrenching it feels. Right now, you must feel like you can never recover from this, and that those words are burned in your brain. They are - and they will pop up at really inconvenient times. I can see the text from some of the emails so easily, could probably quote it at this point.<p>It can get better; you can recover from this. The pain will begin to ebb, and your active feelings of love for your husband can return. If I had any advice it would be this: don't sweep this under the rug because he feels so remorseful. Treat this as the affair it truly is, and insist that you both get to the bottom of why he behaved this way. He won't want to, he just wants to apologize and move on. you won't want to - you just want the pain to end and your husband to be the way he should be. Judging by my signature line, that's what happened with us, and it kept happening, despite his best intentions. This time, we're in counseling, we are "Marriage Building" our hearts out, and I am not going to leave it alone, until both of us understand how it happened. It's the closest we can come to a guarantee it won't happen again.<p>Hang in there - cry if you need to, it helped me to engage in huge crying jags for several days! And don't hesitate to come and post as often as you wish.

Three times? On e-mail? With your friend? What did you do as far as the friend? Do you think I should tell the students at the fitness center about this girl? I don't know how to get over the betrayal! I want this woman to hurt the way she hurt me, BAD!!!!!!! And as far as my husband? Some days I love him, some days I don't. Some days I want to get back at him. How would he feel if I told his best friend I would like to f*** him? Bet that would hurt! I am soooooo bitter. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

There are a number of us who are dealing with the problem of cybercheating in our marriages. I would recommend that both you and your H take a look at the website http://www.pureintimacy.org . It is sponsored by Focus on the Family. <p>Also check out WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses here>>>> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940 <p>Also drop by my site listed in my sig line for more information on the topic. There is a link there to our online infidelity discussion group that may be of interest to you. <p>My H told me had stopped chatting emailing etc only to find out he was doing it on his laptop and at work. Don't be too quick to trust someone who has betrayed you in the worst way. Just the words of experience talking here.<p>Bluebird

Delicia,<p><<Three times? On e-mail? With your friend? What did you do as far as the friend? Do you think I should tell the students at the fitness center about this girl? >><p>Different women each time, only the last one was with a friend (also a cyber-friend, though we have met too). With her, I messaged her and asked her what she thought she was doing, she denied everything until I sent her a copy of one of the exchanges to prove I really did know. I have not contacted her since then, and never will, although I do engage in detailed revenge fantasies from time to time.<p>Should you tell the other people about the girl? Granted, I'm having a good day today, and not feeling as bitter as normal, but there is really no benefit to "outing" her, so to speak. It would be done from a negative frame of mind, and nothing good can ever come of behavior with that kind of motivation (even though it feels very good in fantasy!)

I get what you're saying, and I know that is true. I just wish she would at least feel bad that she lost a friend or SOMETHING! How can these people not feel any remorse? I was the one that did no wrong, and I even miss her sometimes, other times I just hate her! But really thanks for the advice, it's really good! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]