All:<p>I probably shouldn't do this at all, but I've found that this forum is a great way to "journal" how I feel. Right now, for no good reason, I feel as depressed as I ever have since D-day. I found myself thinking, on my way home from work, sort of a tongue-in-cheek/dark humor vein: "Hm... should I become an alchoholic? Or maybe go for broke and become a heroin addict?"<p>Now, don't get me wrong. I have great kids and a good life, and so I'm really not likely to do anything stupid like that. In fact, though I like beer a lot, I really haven't liked getting drunk on any alchohol for a number of years, it's just too uncomfortable. <p>I'm just in one of my bluest funks of all right now, and don't know what to make of it all. <p>Sorry in advance!

Oh Cripes! How do I delete this?<p>What a waste.

2long,<p>I know you answered my previous post, I was just checking out posts in general and I was suprised to see your post. I must seem like a selfish person not to ask you how you are. But I really am not. Again, I am sorry. But how are you? Depressed? YES...... I can relate. I am on medication and I am still Depressed. This really bites.......... But MB has done wonders for me and my understanding of this whole A situation. Just read what you wrote to me and maybe you will feel better. Sometimes when you give advice to others you really don't think about you. PLEASE READ YOUR WONDERFUL POSTS AND REMEMBER............<p>Lost.

lost:<p>Thanks very much. I'm really surprised, myself, at the depth of this current panic attack, but that must be what it is. I've read plenty of posts from others over the past couple months describing these very same feelings. Just thought I was doing better than I am. Darn!

2long, <p>Remember there will be good day and bad days. Hopefully more good then bad. At least I hope so. <p>It is o.k. to feel anyway you want.<p>Lost

2long<p>Depression? Wow, how real that is! I brought home a bottle of vodka and mixers one weekend and drank Friday, Saturday and Sunday just to mellow me out. That was about 3 weeks after D-Day and I still had no real information about the PA(s) so I was going nuts! Occasionally I have weird thoughts of getting in a bad car accident, or just not waking up (when I can sleep). I was already having a hard time with everything and then added that episode which happened last night with W's older daughter to the mix (you responded to my topic: I Screwed Up Bad...I Hate Myself), so right now my stomach is in absolute knots! The depression is the tired feeling I seem to have despite the fact that my mind is racing at the same time. It's hard clear to go to sleep, but occasionally I do fall asleep for short periods of time, probably out of shear exhaustion! I really wish someone could step in and take away all the pain and make everything better, but I know that's not going to happen. I see pain in staying and pain in leaving. It sucks all the way around right now. The W said today she wants to see an Atty and figure out how we can do this so that we can both walk away in good shape financially and that the kids aren't impacted too much. But, that's today. Tomorrow may be different. I dread the thought of starting over again in my life, but I am also scared to death that somehwere down the road another A will occur just when I think everything is okay again. Also, I looked at the questionaires in this website and I see a lot of differences between the W and I that would take major restructuring in order to bring us closer together and sharing more experiences and activities in our lives, so that is a little discouraging as well. I almost feel as though I am looking at my spouse and deciding if I would even match myself with her if I just met her today, knowing who we both are today. Plus, I see no improvement in the kind of time that we can spend together nuturing and growing. We both work and sometimes into the weekend. My job is 90 miles away. I leave between 4:00-4:30am and return home around 8:00pm, on a good day, so Mon.-Thurs. is definitely hindered, and the precious weekend is where everyone in the family is trying to get their share of quality time, so it's fret with interruptions. Despite the chaos, I am still around family and feel comfortable. I almost can't imagine living alone again (most likely I would be in a room in someone's home), so no matter which way I turn and look, I get depressed. I am trying not to slip away and lose myself in all of this. I must be strong. I must be brave. I will get through this. Oh God help me get through this! Show me a sign. Touch my heart. Steady my restless thoughts. Help me make it until tomorrow. Heal this situation! The pain is almost too much to bear! Lift me Lord! Lift me up on high! <p>2long, if you have any faith in God, please turn your attention to Him as much as you can. Though the world is demanding your utmost attention in this tribulation, don't forget Him. Pray as long and as hard as you can everyday. Pray for wisdom and guidance. Pray for healing. Pray for His Love to reign over your situation. No matter the outcome, He loves us, and perhaps it is living in His Love that will ultimately help us persevere and save our marriages, or it may help us through the parting of ways that we dread to face. It is time for me to drive home so I must end here. God Bless you 2long. Don't give up.

Guys. Please take a long hard look at what you just wrote. I know exactly the desperation you are writing about. I know it well. Cant get to sleep bacause your mind just wont stop? Millions of thoughts that you cant seem to get organized? Thoughts of self destruction? <p>Prayer. Counseling. Any of these can help. But you MUST see your doctor. Get some help. Get some sleep. If you cant function through a normal day, how are you supposed to handle the concerns of a marriage gone astray? <p>I have been there. No sleep for weeks. Can barely hold your job. I talked to my doctor and received a prescription for anti depressants and a sleeping aid. After 7 months I am getting much better. It has not been easy. In fact, taking the first step to ask my doctor for help was the hardest thing I have ever done. But it can be done. It must be done.<p>I wish you the best. I hope you will do what you can to get the help you need.<p>Chris<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: CodeManC ]</p>

2long,<p>Please take it easy. You don't sound well. Hay, what will I do if you can't give me advice? I know what you mean but you know something you are a worthy, honarable man to stand by your WW. I know exactly how you feel, and it is o.k.. <p>Remember it has only been 1 month d-day and not even 1 week for d-day2(emotional) so h says. I know that I am better then the ow and I will always be. I know where my place is just as you do. We can only take things day by day and make it count. But I also know it is heart wrenching at times. Today is just one of those bad days. Believe me I think I have had all bad days since last Wednesday. I can't sleep either. You should see my dark circles under my eyes. I look half dead and I feel that way to. Then my H asks are you o.k.?? I felt like telling him what the hell do you think!!!!!!!!! But I stopped myself and remembered no LB allowed.<p>2 long, Drinking never solved anything. Please don't do that to yourself. Time heals all. <p>2long, hang in there................<p>Lost

Hi 2long and Blindsided. You are both depressed and your depression is a result of the situation your are in. I know all about depression and it sucks. Big-time. <p>About four years ago I was depressed for 12 months! It was caused (I know now) by delayed grief. I was grieving for the loss of the relationship with mum who went into a nursing home two years earlier and had dementia. I didn't know what was wrong, so it was hard to figure out what was going on and why I was so sad- my life around me was perfect. H was perfect (at that time) we had a beautiful house, we had regular holidays, blah, blah, blah.<p>One day I got such bad pains in my chest and I felt so 'out of control' and angry, I did something about it. I saw a psychologist, and went throught cognitive therapy. This basically teaches you to 'rewire' your thinking. I learned to catch negative, destructive thoughts and then challenge them. For example, I have felt responsible for my H affair, I challenged it, why am I responsible? I have no control over him, I didn't say - go have an affair - he did, so why should I feel guilty? <p>Its not easy, and its constant work. I work on it every day. <p>I also started meditating (or at least trying to) I can do it for about two minutes at a time, if I'm lucky, but even that is enough to help clear my mind and help me to function better.<p>During the last few years, I've not been happy, and gone in and out of depression, but it was never like it was those years ago -except one day about a month ago, when I really could have hurt myself-a particularly bad D-day. But I told dad how I felt and he helped me through it - I thought, I can't do that to my dad, how would he feel if I killed myself. You know, some people left behind after a friend or family member kills themselves often commit suicide themselves? I thought, what if I did it and then dad did it? And now, mum is dying. Imagine if I killed myself, dad would now had two loved ones dead. I think about that a lot. <p>You know, I didn't think that the cognitive therapy and meditation did much, but you know, I'm handling my current situation (H's A and mum dying) better than I've EVER handled a situation before - and these situations are the WORST ones I've EVER been in. I can see that things will get better. I'm surviving (with the help of people here, friends, counselling, meditation, yoga and journalling). I was really, really scared when H left me because I didn't think I could survive on my own, I thought I would just flop and never get up. But you know, I can see that, yes, life would be more difficult and there would be some big adjustments and it would get lonely and be painful at times- especially if I ever saw H with another woman, but then again, he's not the person I was with for 10 years, and hey, I contributed a lot to his sucess, and you know what, I think it was me who was the strong one, not him, and any other woman can have him anyway, they'll get a lier and a cheater - wow, what a prize catch!! I'm working hard on what contributed to him having an affair - at the moment he's not doing much at all - so guess who will be the prize catch. That's right - Seahorse!!<p>Depression is just that. You can't sleep because your thinking too much (and that's a clue - meditation can help that), but you are so tired all the time. Try to exercise, keep regular things happening in your life -go to work, come home, have dinner, exercise. Depressed people have tunnel vision they only see what's in front, not what's around. Make sure you have other interests that take you out of the house and away from your situation - just so you see there's more to life than what's happening now. Honestly, these have been my life savers!! I've literally forced myself out the door at times. Its so hard at times, it would be easier to stay in bed, but I know I must not do it otherwise I will slip into depression. What I'm saying is not being depressed is bloody hard work! Being depressed is the easy option and its a choice. Ask for help. If you read my post in JFO, you will see how hard its been, everyone here is the same, thankfully WAT, Forgiver, Redhat, Jacky and others gives me a virtual slap round the head ever now and then - 2long, you've done that for me too. We need our friends-that's been a BIG BIG lesson for me during this whole crises. <p>Drinking will block the pain, but eventually it will get you (in a few years and if you get sober) - I know this, I come from a family dotted with alcoholism. So far I've only had two "bliders" (Aussie for being blotto!!), and that was OK, it was just a form of venting and I was safe - in the company of friends. If you really can't go without a drink see someone, get help. You don't want to go down the alcoholic track!! it really does destroy lives-don't do it and give your WS the satisfaction of saying "see why I had an affair". Blow that!<p>You know, there's been a few occasions I've been driving in the last three months and I've thought, I could drive this car into that wall right now. Then I think, but that would give my H the easy way out. Everyone would feel sorry for him, he would get all we've worked for (house, car, etc), he could go and have a great life with all the women he wanted and I think "Bugger that!" he's going to take responsibility for this and he's not going to get rid of me that easy and I'm certainly NOT going to hand it to him on a platter. <p>Blindsided, that time I was depressed I was travelling 2 hours both ways to work. I spent so much effort in getting to work and working and I had no life. The only person who could change it was me, so I found a job closer to home and I did it against all odds (the company I got the job through was not hiring externally at the time) but I had faith and I really wanted it and made up my mind that no matter what I was getting a job closer to home. The job was a one year contract - that was two and a half years ago.<p>And that's another thing that's got me through so far in this situation - I realise that what is happening to me is out of my control. There is not one damn thing I can do right now to change it, so why should I worry too much? I've decided I will deal with the hurt and pain as I feel it. I just worry about the things I can change (one will be my current financial situation - after mum dies - I need stability now).<p>So be a bit selfish, take time out, do stuff for you. Don't wait for your WS to do it. Decide that you are worth it. Decide that you will survive. Decide that you are going to fight this depression. Get help, read books, do whatever you have to. <p>And BTW 2long - good on you for telling everyone here about it. Why not vent here, its as good a place as any!<p>My love and prayers are with you both.
Liz<p>[ April 24, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Wow, folks! <p>I guess this morning that I'm glad I posted this thread after all. I'm feeling a lot better this am, and so I really do think it was a particularly bad panic attack, exacerbated by the fact that I didn't eat any breakfast OR lunch (didn't want to get my coworkers sick) and had taken nyquil for my cold/flu. <p>I did drink a couple beers when I got home, too, which wasn't smart. No, I know better than to try to drown my sorrows with alchohol, and thankfully I'm not likely to become an alchoholic, but I guess not having "experience" with this kind of depression (like, how many times in a lifetime is one affected by their SO having an A? Hopefully never!) and taking medication and drinking made it all the worse. <p>Sadly or otherwise, when my W got home from work, she was very caring. She's been like that since our MC session last week where the MC said she needs to ask herself why she can't let go of OM. But other than to ask me the next day what I mean by no contact, we haven't talked at all about the A or our recovery from it, and though she's been caring, she stopped responding to my ILYs a couple of weeks ago. Guess it feels like things are going back to the way they were before D-day, when she thought she'd ended her A and was working on our M. If that's what's happening, it's not nearly enough for me, and so that's what got me depressed to begin with. <p>But people like Just Learning have kept urging patience on my part, and they're right - my W is a very headstrong, proud individual, and must be having a tough time coming to grips with the fact that she led a 11-year lie to her family with this OM. Even if their encounters were infrequent and only at the beginning and end of the 11 years, the fact that she never once said what had been going on, made it impossible for me to do anything to help, and made it a 365-day/year lie. So, I just have to be patient some more. No more doormat for me, though! <p>Thanks, all!

2LONG:<p>I just saw your comment in "Praise Jesus (and I'm and atheist)" topic and now I feel embarrassed about putting all the god and faith stuff in my post to you. Does it bother you when people do that? Are you truly an atheist? (there absolutely, unequivically is no god, no higher power, no supreme consciousness) Or are you more agnostic? (there may be "something" out there but I am not sure) Anyway, I love your feedback, so keep posting away!

Blind Sided:<p>"I just saw your comment in "Praise Jesus (and I'm and atheist)" topic and now I feel embarrassed about putting all the god and faith stuff in my post to you. Does it bother you when people do that?"<p>Not at all!

"Are you truly an atheist?"<p>Yes, I do believe so. Was raised a Christian Scientist, married a Fundamentalist Christian, and we're both atheists now. Have been for about 25 years.<p>"Anyway, I love your feedback, so keep posting away!"<p>Thanks! This site and even this thread have been helpful to me. Although I felt pretty embarrassed after I'd started this thread, initially, the responses have helped me tremendously.