I just learned of my husband's infedelity April 1 and I really wanted it to be a joke. A seriously inapprpriate one! Anyway, I spoke to OW, she was a co-worker who moved away on April 8. He says they were only intimate once, but continued to see each other daily, workout together and she bought him lunch almost everyday. Has he made a complete split? Should I expect the withdrawal phase, even though he was the one who wanted to reconcile? Are we still as vulnerable to this, even though she's gone? I am so distraught over this whole thing. We've been married 12 years and I never mistrusted him. He has a job that causes him to travel unaccompanied and there are instances where I cannot go for safety and security reasons. What do I do? I am exhausted just worrying about the possibility that it will happen again. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Marie6<p>First off, I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through right now. It is a devastating experience and your road to recovery from it is a long one. My D-Day was 3/10/02, so I am still reeling from the news myself.<p>On a good note, the fact that your H told you is a good sign that he feels bad enough about it to want to clear this out of himself and out of your marriage. Even if he had had never told you, he probably felt guilty as hell and knew that it would always be between both of you even though you were not aware of it. I had no clue either. I had implicit trust in my W. You and I would have been much happier not knowing, but it is there now and we must decide what and how to deal with it.<p>It is very good that the OW has moved away. That will help a lot. The fact that you spoke to her is probably another plus. Did OW relate any regret herself? Can you believe what she told you? Did she sound sincere?<p>This of course will make you question your whole time together. I asked my W if there were any other times to tell me about and I prepared myself for anything. She said no and I was relieved, but, it still really hurts bad! You may want to clear that issue up right now. If you are brave enough to ask it. If your H told you about this so soon afterwards due to his guilt, then most likEly it's the first time this has happened and he feels really bad about it.<p>Look at the topic "General Information For All New Builders." It has links to many web pages of information to get you started and it includes all the acronyms and definitions of terms used in this forum.<p>Your trust, of course, is shattered and all that you believed to be true about your M and the life you two have been living together is under scrutiny, and that is understandable, I am doing the same thing. It is not over unless you say it is over. If you have the love in you to work through this with your H then try to work it out. Both of you have a lot of work ahead of you to mend this and grow. Unfortunately, even though you don't feel like it right now (neither do I) you have to be supportive to your spouse. He is in emotional hurt and distress, just as you are, and believe it or not, even though he wandered, you have to start the process with him to address the emotional needs that led him to stray. His way of starting the process with you was to reveal the affair. I know it doesn't seem fair that the burden falls on your shoulders, but intially it does and how you handle these first few days or weeks could be the difference between healing the marriage or hurting it further. Mind you, he does have a lot to do to gain your trust and assure you that he is truly regretful and is willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel as comfortable as you can be while you are working together on mending the marriage, but you may have to listen to him first before you unleash the powerful hurt and/or anger you may feel right now. If you unload right now, you may scare him away or just shut him down. It's hard to listen and be sensitive to the betrayer while you are raging inside, but it appears to be the 1st step towards reaching an understanding about the affair and begins the process of communication and healing.<p>There is always risk in that it will or may happen again. Perhaps this was a one time thing that he really regrets and it may never happen again. Maybe he was just getting into a cycle of wandering that he is stopping now by revealing this to you. You won't know what the motivation was that made him slip until you start the step-by-step process of communicating and discovering what needs he had that may not have been met in the marriage. You may be surprised at what you hear (I know I was) because in your mind all was well with the world and with the marriage until you heard this (same with me). So it is a painful revelation, not only of affair, but on your marriage. <p>Remeber one thing. This may have a lot more to do with him than it does with you, so though it is hard to do, don't take this personally. Do not blame yourself for the affair. Both of you are responsible for the marriage and each of you haS your part to work on, but ultimately, he made the decision to have the affair, you did not tell him to. He is solely responsible for that decision that he made and he will need to accept that responsibility. But two people make a relationship and a marriage, so you and your spouse will be looking at what each of you has contributed to the marriage relationship and discover what needs were not being met. You may ultimately discover some of your needs were not met either, so it could be a true growing and learning process for both of you.<p>Again, I am sorry for your pain. Keep coming here to the forum for support and encouragement and seek out a good marriage counselor. It is a long road and most couples cannot do this by themselves. Good luck and God bless.<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Blind Sided:
<strong>Marie6<p>First off, I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through right now. It is a devastating experience and your road to recovery from it is a long one. My D-Day was 3/10/02, so I am still reeling from the news myself.<p>On a good note, the fact that your H told you is a good sign that he feels bad enough about it to want to clear this out of himself and out of your marriage. Even if he had had never told you, he probably felt guilty as hell and knew that it would always be between both of you even though you were not aware of it. I had no clue either. I had implicit trust in my W. You and I would have been much happier not knowing, but it is there now and we must decide what and how to deal with it.<p>It is very good that the OW has moved away. That will help a lot. The fact that you spoke to her is probably another plus. Did OW relate any regret herself? Can you believe what she told you? Did she sound sincere?<p>This of course will make you question your whole time together. I asked my W if there were any other times to tell me about and I prepared myself for anything. She said no and I was relieved, but, it still really hurts bad! You may want to clear that issue up right now. If you are brave enough to ask it. If your H told you about this so soon afterwards due to his guilt, then most likEly it's the first time this has happened and he feels really bad about it.<p>Look at the topic "General Information For All New Builders." It has links to many web pages of information to get you started and it includes all the acronyms and definitions of terms used in this forum.<p>Your trust, of course, is shattered and all that you believed to be true about your M and the life you two have been living together is under scrutiny, and that is understandable, I am doing the same thing. It is not over unless you say it is over. If you have the love in you to work through this with your H then try to work it out. Both of you have a lot of work ahead of you to mend this and grow. Unfortunately, even though you don't feel like it right now (neither do I) you have to be supportive to your spouse. He is in emotional hurt and distress, just as you are, and believe it or not, even though he wandered, you have to start the process with him to address the emotional needs that led him to stray. His way of starting the process with you was to reveal the affair. I know it doesn't seem fair that the burden falls on your shoulders, but intially it does and how you handle these first few days or weeks could be the difference between healing the marriage or hurting it further. Mind you, he does have a lot to do to gain your trust and assure you that he is truly regretful and is willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel as comfortable as you can be while you are working together on mending the marriage, but you may have to listen to him first before you unleash the powerful hurt and/or anger you may feel right now. If you unload right now, you may scare him away or just shut him down. It's hard to listen and be sensitive to the betrayer while you are raging inside, but it appears to be the 1st step towards reaching an understanding about the affair and begins the process of communication and healing.<p>There is always risk in that it will or may happen again. Perhaps this was a one time thing that he really regrets and it may never happen again. Maybe he was just getting into a cycle of wandering that he is stopping now by revealing this to you. You won't know what the motivation was that made him slip until you start the step-by-step process of communicating and discovering what needs he had that may not have been met in the marriage. You may be surprised at what you hear (I know I was) because in your mind all was well with the world and with the marriage until you heard this (same with me). So it is a painful revelation, not only of affair, but on your marriage. <p>Remeber one thing. This may have a lot more to do with him than it does with you, so though it is hard to do, don't take this personally. Do not blame yourself for the affair. Both of you are responsible for the marriage and each of you haS your part to work on, but ultimately, he made the decision to have the affair, you did not tell him to. He is solely responsible for that decision that he made and he will need to accept that responsibility. But two people make a relationship and a marriage, so you and your spouse will be looking at what each of you has contributed to the marriage relationship and discover what needs were not being met. You may ultimately discover some of your needs were not met either, so it could be a true growing and learning process for both of you.<p>Again, I am sorry for your pain. Keep coming here to the forum for support and encouragement and seek out a good marriage counselor. It is a long road and most couples cannot do this by themselves. Good luck and God bless.<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</strong><hr></blockquote>

Marie6...<p>Welcome to MB. We're sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.<p>Please make sure that you read the basic concepts on this site... and get "Surviving An Affair," "His Needs/Her Needs," and "Falling In Love, Staying In Love," as soon as you can.<p>This forum has a "General Welcome" with lots of info about posting, etc. There is a thread on which the abbreviations and acronyms are explained. I would also look at the Noteable Threads and read them... lots of good answers to questions you are asking.<p>Yes, it is possible to recover. Last year this exact time I was learning that my H of 11 1/2 years was having an affair with a co-worker. It has been a long ride on the rollercoaster, but they are no longer seeing each other and we are working on our marriage.<p>I quickly discovered that the General Questins forum gets more traffic and took many of my questions there. I also learned that persistance paid off, and sometimes had to bump my post up for more responses. Weekdays are busier than weekends.<p>Good luck, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!<p>PS. You can do a search on my member # to see some of my early threads.<p>Cali

Hi Marie6,<p>Glad you found us, but sorry about why you need to be here. There are so many here who have been through or are going through what you are now experiencing. I've been around for about a year and a half and am quite a ways down the road of successful recovery.<p>I'd recommend that you read the material on the website and get yourself a copy of Surviving an Affair and another very good book on infidelity - Torn Asunder (by Dave Carder).<p>I'm a success story. But it has taken time. My W had a 4 month long EA that turned PA at the end. The whole thing has been the most painful event in my life. However, I am now a much stronger, emotionally healthy and spiritually grounded person than I've ever been. I would not choose the road I've walked, but I would not leave the place I stand.<p>Recovery is possible. Do some looking around in the recovery board. GQ II is busier, but recovery has more success stores (many in progress).<p>God bless<p>[ April 26, 2002: Message edited by: Bill Uphill ]</p>