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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 8
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 8 |
Hello to all,
I am the betrayed wife who knew my relationship was not the sparks flying, passion filled for a long time. Lots of caring and deep love for our children. My H knew this too but never talked to me about this thinking I would fall apart. About 6 months ago he fell in love with someone at work and describes it as emotional/sensual affair. We are both in individual therapy. My H feels that he is not in touch with his emotions (although he experienced passion, etc. in the affair) and he is unsure if we can restore love. As he works on individual stuff I am like a plan A holding pattern. It is very difficult to live someone who is really not there. From reading posts I realize that the other woman needs to be out of the picture and she is not. My H is not sure how he feels about anything but I know he stills cares for her. Do I need to wait for her to find another job (its in the works). How long can I hang in around knowing the man I live with really does not love me the way I need him to. Any thoughts, experiences?
sof - souls on fire
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Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
Member
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Member
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406 |
Welcome sof...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites... Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p> About your post...<p>Do stick with Plan A... Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Don't think that honesty has to be eliminated in Plan A... ...You can honestly say to your H... "the continued affair is draining your love for him"... and there will be natural consequences to his actions.<p>...that being said... you are working on yourself... ...to be a better person.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> Jim / NSR
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
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Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Sof, <p>Welcome to MB. I am sorry to hear of your pain. Your H sounds very confused which is quite normal. Ugly but normal. <p>Read the links that NSR posted to you. NST is quite the knowledgable one here and helped me tremendously when I started over a year ago. <p>To learn the most so that you are in the best position to utilize the tools here for your person and possibly marital recovery (because that will take both of U), read as much as you can. Then come back and post your thoughts and questions. <p>Take Care,
L.
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 1 |
SOF,<p>I can only have the most sympathy for you. I found out two days ago that my wife was having an affair with a man at work. She says that she still loves me but is only a caring type of love. She claims to love this other man. To make matters worse, I do not sexually arouse her anymore. All of this was dropped on me at once. I have been head over heals in love with her since the day we met...and now I am completely crushed. I am so depressed that I do not know what to do with myself. I have not been able to eat or sleep since finding out and just want to know that there is someone else out there that understands. I certainly understand their pain.<p>Personal Info Husband and Wife age 29 Married Six years Dated since we were 17 [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 8
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 8 |
Thank you all for responding!
I have been doing a lot of reading and self work. My marriage has also been one of a lot of caring but lingering was a disatifaction with my H's emotional involvment. He felt, now he tells me he was dying inside. There was love so long ago, but through neglect it is gone for him. My concern in working on a plan A is that love may not renew for him, since it was lost so long ago. We have never yelled at each other and my H. cares for me deeply. I have the other part of love for him, passion, that he does not have. Some of NSR's advise is to take time. I feel I am always in a panic state and also needing to have my needs met. I feel like I need to let this relationship slowly die for me so I can move on. This is a painful thought, but reality for me. I don't think my husband is ready to take real steps towards working on this marriage while the feelings he has for the other woman are there for him. "love is a feeling you cannot describe" This is what my husband has said, and while I do not want to be in competion with the other woman, those feelings get in the way. Thanks again for being a support group.
SOF soulsonfire
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