This is my first time in this discussion group, although i have visied this website many times for direction and encouragement. In January I discovered " photos " of 3 women taken about 15 years ago. 1 photo was of a woman I remotely know who was in various stages of undress in what looked like a hotel room, then another of her in front of the Washington monument with my husband-- when he was at a conferene in 1985. Another photo was of a woman who was naked lying on a beach. I confronted him and he admitted that he had had an affair with the first woman about 16 years ago over a period of 1.5 years. He had about 10 encounters with her. He broke it off. The other woman was one he met at a conference about the same time . It was a 1 night fling --oral sex. The third woman was someone with whom he worked He became very "enamored of her"
he told me but refrained from being intimate with her because he knew it was wrong. I have been dealing with all this and am struggling every day. I am in counseling. on St. John's Wort for depression, and have periods of overwhelming sadness and hurt. He says it happened many years ago . He chose me over them and is very much in love with me, He is doing everything he can to make up for this. He takes me out, sends me beautiful e-mails, leaves short I love you,s on our voice mailsystm etc. He is spending a lot of money on me. He is extremely remorseful and ashamed that he hurt me in this way. Yet I can,t seem to get the images out of my mind. He can get very impatient with me-- he just wants to move on and forget about all this. He himself had a heart attack and by pass surgery 4 years ago lost a brother to an extremely painful death. and is going through his owns struggles.
This discovery could not have come at a worse time time for us. I blame myself because the period of time in which this happened was the lowest point in our marriage. I cry wishing I could go back and be a better partner for him. My counselor says not to blame myself because he still hasd a free choice. Any advice of words for me?

FIRST OF ALL...DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. Yes, we all contribute to problems in our marriages, but NOTHING justifies an affair, period. Please don't be so hard on yourself. <p>This may have happened years ago, but since you just found out, it feels as if it just happened. My situation is a little similar. My H had an affair with my former best friend 6 years ago. It was awful at the time, we were separated for 9 mos. She was his employee and also married to his partner/best friend. I thought I could never be so hurt again.<p>Well, they lied at the time and swore it was emotional only. Nothing happened, nothing! Well, last summer in counseling I found out the truth...it was sexual including in MY BED which has totally destroyed me. To find out years later is so awful. You feel like you've been living a great big lie.<p>My H told the counselor he never told me (even when I pleaded with him and told him I HAD to know the truth) because he 'promised her he'd never tell.' So for 6 years he still had a bond with her which was stronger than our marriage vows.<p>To think that somebody I loved as much as her (was her matron of honor 6 mos before this) could do this to me and lie about it to cover her *** is almost more than I can bear sometimes.<p>I am here to tell you that yes, your marriage CAN be saved. It's not easy, and sometimes you may feel like giving up. But please don't. <p>This is what really helped me:<p>-counseling (off and on for the past 6 years, both individually and together)
-lots of prayer
-building a network of supportive friends
-journaling
-reading, LOTS! I especially like Torn Asunder and the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com
-a forgiveness prayer my counselor gave me. I posted it a while ago under In Recovery. I had to say it MANY times and didn't realize until afterward that I had forgiven. Don't rush this step, it will come back later to haunt you. You have to decide to forgive, it's NOT a feeling and you will have to do it again and again.<p>My heart aches for you. I did take anti depressants back then and also last summer when I found out the truth. I tried St. John's Wort but it wasn't strong enough. The medicine really helped me a lot to sleep, eat, cope, etc. but I had to quit it suddenly when I got pregnant. (another miracle in our lives).<p>If your H reads the article I mentioned, he will see that you HAVE to ask questions and get the details you need to fully process the affairs and recover. Torn Asunder also stresses that he needs to feel all of your hurt, anger, rage, sadness, etc. to assure he won't do it again. Don't try to hide your feelings. I'm not saying to hit him or scream at him, but be honest. He has it 'coming' as he made the choice to lie and to cheat in the first place. He can NOT expect you to feel better in 3 mos, after all of those years of betrayal.<p>I do think you can make this work. He obviously loves you and wants to rebuild the relationship. Please stay in counseling and take care of YOU, you're in the driver's seat now.<p>God Bless and keep posting

Check these books out...
Forgiveness:

1. [b]The Art of Forgiving :[/b] When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How by Lewis B. Smedes
2. [b]Forgive and Forget [/b]: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes
3. [b]The Choosing to Forgive Workbook[/b] by Les Carter, Frank Minirth

<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

thank you for you for words of encouragement. <p>God bless you
Pisces 20

Are you doing okay? I was just wondering if you have anything to report? Hope you are ok

Hi, <p>Welcome to MB. This place can help you heal. It would be better if you could both heal here but you are start the process. Your H's health is important and the fact that this is in the past is a good sign. <p>However, I have a ?? Why are those pixs still around? If he is truly over all this, can you both have a closure pix burning party of some sort? <p>Another idea is to read the book his needs/her needs and take the emotional needs questionnaire located in the concepts section under the MB logo. If you can have a session with either Steve or Jennifer, it may help U. <p>Let us know how we can help. <p>Take Care,
L.

pisces:<p>As you've been learning, your situation is not unique, though the specifics may differ from others' experiences. <p>This is a strange time for you. Somewhat similar to my own feelings right now. I found out about my W's 11 year on and off EA/PA in January. Since my W thought it was over, she quickly went to the stage of wondering "when will he just get over it and move on?" I love my W very much, and things are going better than they have in a very long time between us, but there are still nagging things that I will have to see us deal with before we can be in recovery:<p>1) She has to break all contact with her OM. (does your H still have contact with any of these women? Even though it's been a long time, they might still think they can be "friends." Happens a lot!)<p>2) She is an honest person, and yet she lied through omission about the nature of her R to OM for 11 years! I found out, she didn't volunteer the information. (Your situation is similar, in that you found about your H's As on your own, he didn't tell you. This likely hurts more than if he had told you after the As).<p>3) My W still thinks she should be able to keep part of her life private from me. I can't live like that, no matter how well we're getting along right now. It just keeps the environment around that enabled the A to happen in the first place. (You will need to get your H into counselling with you to make sure he's changed his behavior so that he won't be tempted to have another A. It isn't enough that he's telling you he loves you - though that is a good thing!)<p>4) Since OM and my W collaborated on reports in the past (some of which I helped with!!), there are documents on her computer and in print that he worked on. Sorry, W, but I want these GONE. I want every mention of him GONE from our lives permanently! (Your H should not have kept those pictures. He should be willing to destroy them, and anything else he might have related to them, if that's what you need - it sure is what most people need!).<p>Take care, and remember that your H's As are NOT your responsibility, in any way, shape or form!