H wants to go out of town for b-day weekend, his is today, mine is Monday. We have been intimate, (Mostly my attempt at being "enough" for H) but I am so confused about my own feelings. I love H, and 11 1/2 years is a long time to just give up on. Still, I feel like he needs punishing. He didn't ask forgiveness, but he did say that he was sorry for hurting me after I persisted. (I know that's not the greatest way, but it did much for my ego.) I don't want to go because I am feeling bummed out just thinking about the whole thing. Plus, it would be the first time we've ever left the two youngest children with anyone overnight.
I know these one-on-one's are necessary, but I don't know if I can contain the rage outside of my comfort zone. Pray for me.

Marie - It is possible that you may be moving too quickly. Perhaps it is too soon for such a weekend.<p>Attempting to move through recovery too quickly WILL lead to resentment. I know, I deal with such every day. I want my wayward wife to move closer to me. I am always thinking of things I can do to get her to move closer. In the end, I am left feeling frustrated and resentful and she is left feeling pushed into doing something she did not desire (and that means I love-busted).<p>My wife has yet to apologize to me in the manner I want. It has been months at this point and I am still hopeful. My counselor told me something the other day that was very difficult for me. He told me I needed to let go. I needed to turn my spouse, and all of her issues, over to God. I could not change her and any attempt to do so would decrease her love for me. I have to get rid of my expectations and be thankful for any growth God creates in my wife.<p>We are both in counseling, both individually and joint. If you both are not, I recommend you get into such as soon as possible. This is not a process that can be successfully navigated on your own.<p>You can recover. It is not an easy process, it is not a fun process. Give it the time it needs to happen the right way -- it will happen the quickest if it happens healthily and naturally.<p>One last note: It is not our place to punish. We were never granted that ability. We do have the right to have boundaries and consequences; neither of which are designed for punishment.

Marie6<p>I can really relate to that! Since D-day I have not felt romantic at all! And it just kills me when my W talks about our future together, as if I am ready to embrace that concept right now, too! In my case the A's were already done and over with, so I guess in her mind it's done and over with and she's ready to move on in our life together. Sorry, not me yet. I really have conflicts daily on how to treat her and how to act around her. I don't want her to get too comfortable because I am in such agony, but I know if I lay it on too thick this will unravel very quickly, whether I intended to do that or not! It's a delicate walk. It is so tempting to dish out the punishment, as you say, but be careful that you are not spiting your nose to save your face! That's what I have to be careful of. Sometimes I think I want a DV just to give her the ultimate "F U", but I must ask myself if I would also be hurting myself in the process. Try not to make any major decisions right now. This will take time. My W is desparate for a definitive answer to whether or not I want to stay or persue a DV, and I don't have that answer yet. There is so much talking yet to do and I don't know where it will ultimately lead us. I just tell her that we are talking and that that is a good thing; it's a start; but, it doesn't come with a guaranteed result. Either of us may look at the whole M and see that it is not what we want, or the reverse may happen, time will tell. Slow down. Take your time. If H is rushing you to the Forgiveness Finish Line you will never feel completely mended and may ultimately end up feeling worse in the long-run as anger and resentment build-up inside of you. Your H needs to understand that this will take you time. It's great that he is so enthusiastic about romancing you; you don't want to totally discourage that behavior; but, he needs to make sure that he is not steamrolling you with his amorous ambition. Be thankful that he wants to try so hard. It's better than no attempt at all. Try this if you can. Decide to detach yourself from the A for the weekend and try to enjoy each other. I had to do this numerous times and it seemed to work for me, but it still doesn't eliminate all thoughts of the PA in my mind, it just made it more manageable and allowed me to relax a bit and enjoy her company. Of course you'll have the passing thought that he should've done this BEFORE he had the A, but none-the-less try to enjoy the moment as much as you can. It may even open up a peaceful productive talk between you too! Remember, he is looking for signs from you too that he is still loved by you and that you two still have a chance at reconciliation. Like I said, a delicate balancing act. Best wishes to you and God Bless.