I'm a newbie and I guess you can read my profile for the sorrid details of my woes.<P>My wife has been maintaining an affair for 3-4 months and swears it's not sexual (yet). It really doen't matter cause it hurts just the same.<P>We both have been in counseling for ourselves and our marriage and I am truly doing everything I can to take care of me, be as loving as humanly possible (including forgiveness many times) and I am trying to discover and meet as many of her needs as I can.<P>A month ago she dedicated herself to me and saving our marriage and promised to end the affair. She has been going back to him almost weekly and continues to ignore we and try to deceive me.<P>She says she can't think clearly and is "overwhelmed" and thought some time away form me would help. I think just the opposite and that we need to spend as much time together as possible.<P>She worked Saturday night and I could tell by her voice and mannerisms that something was not right. I suspected she was seeing the lover and my fears were confirmed.<P>I just can't understand why she's willing to throw away our 7 year marriage and continue to cause so much pain. We have two boys, ages 5 1/2 and 4. <P>I told her repeatedly that she needs to end her affair before we can start to save our marrige. For some reason, she refuses.<P>Yesterday, I decided I have to prepare for the reality that she is not ready or willing to end her affair and rebuild our marriage. I granted her separation and asked her to leave. She agreed and left the house in tears.<P>We had plans to visit my parents with the boys for Christmas and now I don't want her to come. I'm not spiteful, I just don't think I can pretend that everything is okay and I believe time spent celebrating the holiday is a family function and she's not acting in the best interests of our family.<P>I hope the "tough love" doesn't just drive her away for good but I figure she was running away voluntarily anyway. <P>I miss her and I hope I did the right thing. I need to maintain a loving heart and spirit but I also can't allow her to violate her any longer.<P>Any thoughs or suggestions. I feel so alone and frustrated I want to scream.<P>Thanks - NewMan

I hear you, I hear you...<P>Same situation, same boat.. Our marriage had problems which I was blind initially to (stupid me) and then she was involved in an affair (getting the feelings she needed from me). We have been married 5 years , 2 kids 3 & 1, and we had both said we could never have seen it happening to us.<P>I couldn't make her end it, and she was so unhappy as well. Our house wasn't a refuge for her from the outside and she was (well both of us) feeling horrible and stressed. Last night we decided to separate for a while. I don't know if I can stick to the plan of cutting her off (not giving her the things that she needs and isnt getting from the OM) since I want to be part of my kids life. Living close by (small town) (we commute normally) and tucking them in at night and seeing them when they need me is too attractive. <P>Am I a fool, can this work for us? or is it doomed to kill our marriage. When we were talking and comforting each other (holding and hugging) the stress melted away a bit about thehuge problem. She said to me that this gave her a bit of hope. She said it surprisingly but I cling to the possibility.<P>My idea was to, come over for the kids every now and then, see they were ok and give them all the hugs they need. Which is one of her needs...family first. And try to get her to WANT my affection through the kids. Talking to her as a friend etc. We are still friends (thank God) but ... Should I hope to squeeze the OM out this way? Opinions anyone?<P>Thx

NewMan,<P>My situation is similiar to yours. However,My W has agreed to end the "emotional" affair before it becomes more serious. Thank goodness. Only problem is, she says that she doesn't love me the way a W should love her H. Boy does this hurt. She doen't want to work on our marriage until she decides what's best for her. We also have two young children(3 & 1). Taking care of them has caused us to neglect our marriage for the past two years. When she told me she was unhappy two months ago, I was in shock. Looking back now, I should have seen it comming. We are now both seeing a therapist, separately. All I can do is work on improving myself, and hope that she notices. The hardest issue for me right now is trust. She lied and deceived me. This really hurts. Enough about me, I am worried about you. I wish I could tell you how to stop your W from seeing the OM, but the fact is; you can't control her actions. So what do you do? I think that you should take care of yourself. Work on improving things about yourself that will make her more attracted to you. Don't just windowdress. Get real honest with yourself and identify your faults and weaknesses. Make a genuine effort to improve on these areas. Most of all, do it for yourself, not to impress her. She will notice the changes, and will become attracted to you again. Then you have to ask yourself the hard question; do I really want her? Also, read everything in this website. It really taught me alot about myself, my relationship and marriage. Keep posting, I would like to follow your progress. <P>Take Care,<BR>cjv

Thanks for the input and concern. One thing I have learned and really appreciate is that I do not have to go thru this alone. I have so many family, friends and church members who are supporting me and praying for me, my W, our kids, and our marriage.<P>I too got the wake up call after 2-3 years of neglecting our marriage. Young children will zap every ounce of energy and by their veru nature, they MUST come first. My W too said she was unhappy and truly didn't know if she wanted to work to save it. What I didn't know at the time was she was laying the foundation to break the real news to me; the affair.<P>I have read every word in the site and am seeing a Christian counselor. Man, does it help make things a lot clearer. I am also a recovering alcoholic with 9+ years of sobriety. My W and kids have never seen me drunk. I have been following the same 12 steps with this problem as I did with my alcoholism.<P>I've admitted my powerlessness over her actions and decisions. I believe, if done correctly, God can restore our marriage and bless it again, and I have decided to put it in His hands. All I can do is the next right thing in every situation; whatever that may be and regardless of how painfull. The fearless and moral inventory of myself was very enlightening. I am decicatated to atoning for my errors and am committed to making very real and sincere changes. Unfortunately, I olny get motivated when the pain or fear is too much to bear. <P>I am dreading going home in a hour as my W will be returning from the Church with the kids and I have to confront her all over again. The rules she first established were that she would be there for the kids to get them to school and bring them home. Once I get home, she is to leave. It will be hard to watch her go and frankly, the decision to leave was all hers. I did not suggest it; only took her up on it when I finally realized that her heart was not into saving our marriage and that maybe she needed to hit bottom to start to recover from her addiction. To me it's just the same as my drinking. <P>It's been going just like this..."I'm sorry, I hurt you, sob, sob, I stopped it, sob, sob, I'll get help, sob, sob, I love you, sob, sob". Same old behavior, same old jilted feelings, same old broken trust, same old anger....same broken heart.<P>John<P>Pray for us and I'll do the same.