Thank you all.<p>Should I ask H if he has kept his promise about the ow???<p>Lost

NO!... <p>Do NOT talk about A or OW, if at all possible, UNLESS your H brings it up...<p>...and even then... be a listener... noncomittal...<p>My H and I are just now able to discuss her, the A and all it's ramifications w/out LB'ng and hard feelings...<p>FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR HALF OF THE RELATIONSHIP!<p>and, no... I am no more aggravated by you and your questions than MB veterans were of mine last year! It is all a part of the normal process...<p>Hugs,
Cali

Cali,<p>THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH. I am feeling really really bad right now. I have this terrible feeling in my stomach. I know that my H is going there after work. I just know it. H told me that he would be home at 11:30. H said that he was going to go see one of his friends (male). What do I do? <p>Should I just wait for him to come home? Should I give him a hug and thank him for being honest with me when he comes home? And should I also thank him for wanting to try?<p>By the way how do you incorporate my statements to your reply? <p>Lost

lost... no problem...<p>My advice is not to smother him... I saw the most results when I was able to give him space and let him think... not easy, I know...<p>BE BUSY... when he gets home... have you checked out www.divorcebusting.com ?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes<hr></blockquote><p>I use UBB Codes to incorporate your answer... a combination of copy and paste... (usually I have two windows w/ MB open at the same time to make it easier).... (btw... I teach computer skills...)<p>Hugs, Cali

Cali,<p>Excellent suggestion. I am going to have to buy the book. DB<p>This is a touchy subject but I need to ask. Is it normal for H to want to be intimate? H asked me why would I be intimate with him? I answered because I am your wife. Then I asked H and H said because he don't want me to feel lonely. WHAT???? I told H that I wasn't lonely. If H was still in contact with the ow, wouldn't he not was to be intimate? <p>H also asked me to buy him a prayer candle. If you never heard of that, it is a candle that you light when you have a problem and want support from GOD. <p>H also told me that I looked really good today. Is that a positive sign??? I normally don't put on makeup but after alot of reading I am learning. <p>Thank You,<p>Lost

lost...<p>not a strange ? at all... my H and I became intimate more frequently after d-day... it confused the heck out of me... but I later found out that it was, at that time, my best connection with him... one he couldn't deny HAD ALWAYS BEEN GOOD...<p>...so, as long as you feel safe (STD's), and comfortable... I'd say go for it... I had one session w/ Steve Harley and he said that it couldn't hurt... but if I started to feel 'bad' that I should stop.<p>Yes... those sound like positive signs... but be careful not to read into everything or over analyze... (I KNOW IT'S HARD!)... but it is important to get to a place where you can just go w/ the flow...<p>Hugs,
Cali

lost:<p>Boy, I managed to miss another thread!!! Now I've got to pack up the laptop and head home.<p>I wish you the best weekend you can have. Take care of yourself. If your H is behaving unfathomably, please don't wear yourself out trying to fathom him!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You will survive!!!

Cali,<p>I am really trying and that is good news. I think that has to be the best news I have heard in a long time.<p>Yes, I know about reading into things. H is totally confused. One day he will be all lovey dovey the next day he will be like a bump on a log. Yes, confusing..........................<p>Sometimes I find my H looking at me. And I ask him what is the matter and H says nothing. Then he will sometimes just come up to me and hug me. Or he kisses me on my forehead. (I hate that!). <p>How are things going with your H? Are things better? I really hope so. I just wish that I could be where you are at in my my R. <p>To tell you the truth I don't even know if I should call it R. That's why I ask if I should ask my H about the promise or about trying. <p>Lost.

2long,<p>I am really trying but finding it hard to do. Yes, I know what to do but when H don't respond that just about kills me. But I will continue to try my best.<p>What's up with you W? Is she getting better? 2long your dedication is what keeps me going. I wish I had the strenght that you have. I still cry but you know something, not as much.<p>Lost

Hi lost:<p>I've got a little while before I have to make the pizza for dinner and my W comes home.<p>"I am really trying but finding it hard to do. Yes, I know what to do but when H don't respond that just about kills me. But I will continue to try my best."<p>That's really all you can do. I know it's hard, has been for me at times, but the tough times will get easier with time. Doesn't sound like much encouragement, but that's probably because when we're in this mess, it's such a trauma to get out of it intact. But you will!<p>"What's up with you W? Is she getting better? 2long your dedication is what keeps me going. I wish I had the strenght that you have. I still cry but you know something, not as much."<p>That day I posted my feelings when I got really depressed was the worst since D-day. That happened even though things between my W and I were going pretty well. It almost seemed "too well" I guess, which had me realizing that we were really not hitting on the important issues of honesty and privacy that got us this far into the mess to begin with. Then the next day, I cried in my IC session. I never thought I'd do that. But overall, it was a very good session. Those come and go, and then there was the one I had yesterday, where the IC described the concept of "measured honesty" that got me so riled up!! On the good side, it prompted me to start a new thread on GQII about "measured honesty versus radical honesty" where I got to voice just what I feel about measured honesty and get good feedback from this forum. You might want to check it out to distract you from worrying about your H. It was a lot of fun for me, and I really think I "evolved" in my thinking through posting to it. <p>My W and I are, overall, getting along very well. I'm feeling a very strong love for her right now, which has me feeling pretty goose-bumpy much of the time when I'm around her. Still have the no contact issue unsettled, but I'm getting more hopeful about it. Then there's the honesty and privacy issues to discuss, but I think I can be patient and wait a while. <p>OM was in town last weekend to drop off a CD with a report on it at my W's office, but she was with me the whole time!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . And although she didn't tell me about him being around until after he'd left, she clearly had made a conscious effort to avoid him while he was here, AND we had some of the best quality time together that I've felt in many, many years. Now, I'm going to cry again!!<p>Anyway, I still go up and down, but the downs are getting less severe and the worst ones are definitely farther apart. In fact, in retrospect, my last low was not so much a feeling of pitifulness on my part, as a feeling of hopelesness for the M. Even though I was depressed, I knew I'd still be okay as an individual. Make sense?<p>So, if I don't get logged on over the weekend (but I think I will), please do take care of yourself, and try to do something fun for YOU!<p>regards,

I'm glad my replies are helping... no two situations are alike... but I have learned a lot this year.<p>My H seems to be doing well... truly going into no contact was key... He quit having those 'ups and downs' after contact... I think we are in a 'honeymoon' period as it seems to get better everyday...<p>... right now I am praying for him that the person who can 'lead' him to the understanding that he HAS been FORGIVEN (by God)... all he has to do is ask... (see my post on RECOVERY... MB Prayer Warriors<p>...but remember it has been a long... YEAR long journey... you are still early days... <p>I also will probably not be on MB much this weekend... Family and H time [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] !<p>hugs,
Cali

2long,<p>I really wish I knew how to copy a quote. But I will try my best.<p>As far as doing nothing about no response. It really does make me crazy. But 2long I feel as though I am going crazy. Today, H didn't want to go to a function with my family, I told him that was fine. But then H showed up... After the party we had to go to his Mothers. Well we stayed there till 830 then he said that we had to leave. Well wouldn't you know it as soon as we came home, he had to go out. I was livid at first but then I said o.k. be careful. But I am tired
and I can't stand to be treated like a idiot. H knows damn well once the kids are asleep I am home bound. That's what makes me nuts......... And I am really getting tired of it. Why should he be able to go out and have a good time with the ow/(pig). And I have to be home like a good little wife???????????? <p>I am very happy for you and your W. Did you notice things changing after the 4 month period? As far as honesty, yes I would wait to. You can't make W do something she don't want to do. At least I learned that much so far. I am so glad that your W told you about the jerk being in town. That is progress. And to know that you were with her at the time is even better... That's so nice. And when I read that "I CRIED". <p>2long, I don't know if I even want my H here anymore. He makes me so upset most of the time. That my life is miserable. Are my feeling normal. Sometimes I look at him and get so disgusted........ It seems as if I can't get over this.<p>It has been 4 months for you. It is going on 2 months since d-day and like I said before the 17/24th of April I caught him there. H was getting better but after the last time I caught him there it started all over again. H is depressed/can't sleep and is distant. But then H has some good moments. I really don't know if H is still in contact with her. But I wish I knew. I want to ask H if he has kept his promise about the no contact thing but I don't want to lb. Should I ask? Or should I ask if he is serious about working on things. <p>I really do hope things get better between us. Only time will tell. The last time we went to counseling the C said we should just try for 2 months. What if my H is just waiting for that time period to lapse??? You see how crazy I sound?<p>Lost

Cali,<p>So after 9 months H finally snapped out of it? I can't wait that long. How did you know that there was no longer contact? <p>How were the kids? I am so worried about my kids. I cry all the time when I think about what will happen to them. Divorce is not a good thing for any child, no matter what anyone says. They are never the same.<p>I really don't know what I want now. My H is making me sick. H just goes out whenever he feels like it and leave me here with the kids. SO WRONG. What the heck is H thinking. I really wish that the ow could take him and the kids for one complete day. I know for sure she would never want to see my H, well at least not with the kids. How the hell could they go out late at night to a bar and drink??? How stupid can H be??? I am so angry.....<p>I have to go. I can't even type anymore.<p>Lost