Well.....You always think that it happens to everyone else. My W and I have been married for 14 years (happily, I thought). My employment required me to work several stints of long hours, even to the point of sometimes working 70+ hours non-stop (no kidding).<p>I am 41, she 32. Occasionally she would complain about the very little time that we had to spend together, but I always thought that she understood that someone has to put the bread on the table.<p>I gave her anything she wanted. Literally. I am of the belief that the woman I love deserves the best. Never in our 14 years of marriage did I ever deny her anything, nor did I ever mention money. What wasn't needed for the bills was all hers to do with as she pleased. Nothing in my life was more exhilarating than watching her eyes light up with happiness.<p>Several months ago, she started complaining that there was no enough attention being paid to her. I explained that after a greuling 60 or 70 hour non-stop marathon it was hard to be very active in anything. Trust me....I did this probably over 100 times in our marriage. Not only that, but I was on call 24/7 and it seemed that it always happened at the most inconvienent times. But...As I explained to her, it was only temporary and that the rewards would be great in the long run. (They were).<p>Suddenly, one day she told me that she felt that her feelings for me had withered. She loved me very much, but was not in love with me. I was devastated. I talked her out of leaving, and she used the excuse that she had a one-night stand, (she thought I would shove her out), but I told her that my marriage was important to me, and that she was the best thing to ever happen to me. I also told her that I could somehow see where in a moment of weakness she slipped.<p>Well...trying to shorten this story, stupid ol' me decided that maybe she wasn't being completely truthful. I tried to put that thought out of my mind, because knowing each other routines, I could not possibly figure out how she could be having an affair. But a couple strange numbers came up and lo and behold....those phone calls were maybe once a month for the past 6 months. Curiosity set in hard.<p>I confronted her, and she finally confessed to having a year long affair with her lover. They were meeting each other after work, for 15-20 minutes, which explained why she never was later than usual. The times they were intimate were the very few few times that she went shopping by herself. She always took her close sister or her mother with her the majority of the times, and the trips she took alone were few and far between. She said that she had met him at motels maybe 8-10 times during the course of the affair, which seems to coincide with what I remember her going alone. <p>Now for the good part....All of this confessing and discussing was going on at her parent's home, (she had been there 3 days to "clear her head". Imagine my surprise when her parents and sister began to have tears well up in their eyes (they have always treated me as their own), and confessed that they had known the whole time! I was devasated. Not to mention that during the past year that we had went on several "Family" vacations. They said that the most difficult thing they ever had to do in their life was look and me, and see a wonderful man that they felt enormous sympathy for.<p>Well...she is still at her parent's trying to sort things out. She still loves me, but not like she should (she says) ( Her sister confided in me that the 2 days I offered no contact with her drove her nuts). Our home is next to her parents, so we see and speak occasionally. I am still living at "our" house.<p>When we do speak, and when the conversation turns to us, she reminds me that she needs space. She said that she can't come home until all of her comes home. I understand that, but there is no dates, no going to the store, or anything simple just to be with each other. She also mentions divorce, and will take no help from me. But she cannot say it is over, either. Just need time.<p>How can this be fixed, and our love strengthened again with no "alone, emotional, or physical" contact between us? This is driving me crazy! Even with what has happened, I still love her better than anything in this world, and would give my life for her. I am willing to accept the past, because I cannot change it, and live from this moment on. But I wish it to be with her.
I have also read between the lines, and figured out that she is quite sure that I can never forgive her, nor love her the way I used to. Her way of thinking seems to be just to end it all, and it all will go away. I told her it will never go away unless we try to fix it. Because she will always wonder what might have been.<p>She swears that the OM is out of her life. He is married, with a 4 year old, and when all of this blew up and his wife was informed, the OM told my WS that he could and would not leave his family.<p>What should I do? Keep gently and softly reminding her how much I love her and forgive her, or should I not be very agressive and let her wonder about me?<p>I need help! I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and think that it is possible if the right road is taken.<p>HCII

Welcome hcii...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>If you can get the support of your W's family...
...in point out to her how you have canged...
...and that your marriage is far from over!<p>Have them give your W one or more of these books...

1. [b]The Art of Forgiving :[/b] When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How by Lewis B. Smedes
2. [b]Forgive and Forget [/b]: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes
3. [b]The Choosing to Forgive Workbook[/b] by Les Carter, Frank Minirth

<p>You have my prayers.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Well....as far as me needing to change, I did that about 1 year ago. For the first month or so everyone, and the W especially, noticed a huge change in my attitude. But...mostly it was due to a more normal working schedule.<p>But...at the same time I was trying to better our marriage, she was starting the A! How in the heck was she going to see and appreciate what changes had been made in our marriage, when her attention was on the OM?<p>We spoke tonight. We still are using a joint account, I still retrieve the bills and such from the mail, and give her the payroll checks. She still handles the finances, you might say. We own a 2001 Chevy Tahoe, and a 1991 S-10, and all she will drive is the S-10. She says that she may as well get used to it because she can't afford the Tahoe. I tried to nicely explain to her that that was a moot point, and to drive the good vehicle. I reminded her that we are still carrying joint insurance, so ride in comfort.<p>She refuses any help from me. The old vehicle she is driving was making a noise, and she wouldn't let me look at it to see what was wrong (I am a hobbyist mechanic). She absolutely wants no help at all from me.<p>She still maintains in our conversations that it is impossible for us to have a happy marriage. She says that her feelings for me have gone, and that they won't come back. She says that between what feelings she has lost, and the A she had with the OM, that she sees no hope for us to be man and wife. Its been 2 weeks now, but she still hasn't filed for divorce.<p>I know a lot of this is a "she-said" post, but that is because I let her do all the talking. Also, I am hoping that one of you can see more clearly than I, since I am in the middle of her "fog".<p>I keep reminding her that I love her more than anything, and she responds that there is no doubt in her mind that I do. However, she says it is not fair to lead me on, and I told her that the road I follow, if it is after her, is my choice, and she should only worry about getting her feelings straight.<p>Then...always in the conversations, there comes the dreaded "I want to be good friends with you no matter what". She says that we can love each other, care for each other, help each other, but not remain married to each other. I keep reiterating that I love her, and want to work this out. I try to explain that we cannot work it out being apart. I asked her to remember back when we first met, not knowing each other, or knowing whether to trust each other, but we still had time together and eventually fell in love.<p>Sometimes this is the routine and I get very depressed and feel that working this out is hopeless. After being with her for over 14 years, I know her stubborness well. But...then maybe tomorrow it looks a little brighter, because her comments are not as drastic and concrete in her mind but rather it seems she is listening and thinking about what I am saying.<p>This is driving me crazy! I am about to rush to Plan B. But...I know that is a tricky situation. Could go either way, and may be the straw that breaks the camels back.<p>Please, Please ! Can someone help me analyze what the heck is going on here? I think there is hope, and have told her so. I told her that if we both wanted it badly enough, that we could fix it. She says it is too late...too much damage already been done by both of us. But then...here comes the little comments such as "Would you go out with me on a date if we were divorced?". And the often one (some days) "Who knows how it may be 6 months from now"<p>So...One conversation I see a glimmer of hope (and right now a glimmer seems as large as the ocean), and the next conversation it's one of those "There is no way".<p>OK.. all you experienced ones out there....Give me some much needed advice! And God only knows how much I appreciate finding this site and all of you.<p>HCII

I think plan B would probably be a bit too soon. The signals will be mixed for a long time. I get signals from my WW that are enough to drive me crazy (tonight they did and I went over the edge - but that is a different story). <p>Even when I feel crazy, I somehow return to the thought that Plan A is about myself not her. It is fine to tell her how you feel, but actions speak louder than words. You need to be the person you want to be and love yourself. It sounds like you have already made steps in this direction. It never hurts to sit back and again and look at yourself and decide what things you may want to change. These can be things that contributed to marriatial problems or things you see in yourself. Plan A is about letting you spouse see for themsleves what you are realy all about and making the choice themselves. Plan B is for letting them have another chance to see who and what you realy are, but they need to have examples to reflect on.

all very familiar phraseology...nothing you can do about that.<p>There is nothing...nothing you can do to change her.<p>You must work on you. She may respond to the changes in you...you can't control that either.<p>It is going to be hard, because after so many years your image of yourself is inexorably linked to her...but it is going to have to be different now. Noone, not even her, knows what comes next...but you must focus on getting your act together...let her see that...and it is going to take a while...and some consistency.<p>If you do these right, there are no guarantees, but a good chance things will change. Her flip-flops are the struggle between what she wants to happen, and what she thinks is possible. Show her that they can be one and the same. Good luck.