1 year, 11 months & 25 days ago i walked in on my H going at it on our bed with another woman. someone he met thru work. he swears it was a one and only time, (but to help me feel better he said he's had offers & temptations before, just has never acted on them.) he said he didn't plan for it to happen, she came on to him, blah blah blah.<p>we immediately went to counseling, which helped immensely to rebuild our marriage (yah, we had stopped working at it). he swears i am his whole world. BUT, he travels 1-2 weeks/month. i'm torn up the whole time he's away. i absolutely do not trust him. i love him, but wonder how my mistrust is affecting the relationship. how can you have a marriage if there is no trust?<p>i really need to talk about this. i want to talk to my best girlfriend, have a shoulder to cry on, but he asked me not to, that he'd be mortified & worried how others will judge him. i feel i should respect his wishes, but that leaves me in quite a lonely place.

Hi and welcom to MB. <p>You have come to a place where many understand your lack of trust. Please read the concepts section listed under the MB logo. You will learn about plan A and plan B. See if you can get the book on surviving an affair and his needs/her needs. If you can schedule a session or two with a MC in your area or even phone counseling sessions with Steve or Jennifer, it will do you good. You are right, you need to talk. Til then, read the info suggested and let us know what you think. It will help more than I can describe. <p>Take care,
L.

Dear Broken<p>I absolutely cannot imagine walking in on my W "doing it" and still living with her. I would have been devastated and angered beyond belief. It's already a mind-blower that she had a one-night-stand in the garage while I was in bed in our bedroom, but had I actually caught them in the act, I really think it would've blown me away, so I really commend you for your courage, your strength, and your willingness to love your H even though this happened. I will agree with only one thing that your H said and that is his request to not share this with anybody. I have, by my own choice, not discussed this with anyone for the very reason he stated to you, other people's judgments/opinions. I figure it this way, If a stay with my W and our M survives this, do I really want other family/friends to know about it? How many them will think I am a dumb shmuck for staying? How many will curse and condemn my W after they know? How many will really understand the situation and be forgiving or at least non-judgmental. By adding other people to the mix, it only gets messier than it needs to be. I did speak to my W's oldest daughter ONLY because she was told about the entire situation by her own mom and she had some sympathy for our situation. It helped me get through many bad days, especially during the time when I did not know the details of the A's yet, which drove me crazy! I didn't find out until 5 weeks after D-Day, 3/10/02. So D-Day #2, Full Disclosure happened on April 16th. I spoke to her daughter one last time on Apr. 17th and not again since. My agonizing over not knowing was over. But my real point is this. Even though the daughter knew everything, talking to her created another problem between my W and I. To my W it was just a secret collusion behind her back and she saw it as my attempt to ruin her relationship with her own daughter (not my intent at all), so even though I got short-term relief from the talks I had with her, it hurt our real efforts at communicating and getting through this crisis. <p>Use this forum as much as you need. There are so many good people here with great advise. Use a counselor for yourself to continue your coping and working with the trust issue. I know it has to kill you to have your H out of sight for so long every month. And even frequent phone calls don't help. (I speak to my W several times daily and she still managed to have her 3-4 mos. A). I don't know what your H can do to help you with the trust issue, but I do know that he cannot tell you to please just forget about and move on, because that will only exacerbate your mistrust. On the other hand, if you deluge your H with all of your misgivings he may feel it is going to be hopeless trying to gain your trust. Have you suggested continued counseling to him? Does he know that you are still in pain everytime he goes away? Perhaps there some books that others here can recommend for you that will help. I know that Surviving An Affair is the mainstay book of this forum. Check out this link to see other recommendations: <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553 <p>If you are already talking with your H about these feelings and just need to commiserate with others about what you are going through, then use this forum as much as you need. You will get great support, feedback, and encouragement.Good luck and god bless!

blind-sided,
thanks for the response.<p>i think one of the reasons i haven't said anything to anybody is not totally out of respect for H, but to protect my rep too. she talks about other friends who have cheated on their spouses, some marriages "survived". she calls them schmucks. guess i don't want to be a schmuck either. i neede affirmation that i was "keeping it in the family" not just for him but for me too. <p>one thing an A does for a marriage is it helps you look at what is good, what works, what is salvagable and where the weaknesses are. that's what we did. i thought we had a good marriage, so made demands on H that if he valued me/the marriage he would go to counseling. thank goodness he did. but now, a year later, he thinks i should be able to put it in the past. he now calls it an embarrassment and says he has put it in the past. even redoing the bedroom hasn't erased that image for me.

You HAVE to find somebody to confide in. It stresses that in Torn Asunder. When my H had his affair with my former best friend, I also worried about hurting both of their reputations. That lasted about a month, until I almost had a nervous breakdown. Then I got into counseling and once I started talking, I couldn't stop.<p>If you don't work on yourself right now, this will continue to eat away at you and eventually your marriage will collapse. <p>He was also extrememly rude to bring her into your home and bed. That happened to me too, but I didn't have to witness it. Instead he lied about it for 6 years, said it was emotional only. I just found out last summer and that's been the worst part for me, that my best friend and H would actually have the nerve to be in MY BED. I resent the heck out of that.<p>You may need to get back into counseling. If you don't trust him traveling, he may need to go too. I really think you need to think of your emotional health right now. My H LIKES when I go out with my close friends as I can vent to them and I nag him less!<p>Good luck and God Bless <p>He should have thought of his 'reputation' before he did something so awful. Did he consider YOUR feelings then? No.

I don't profess to know what to do by any means, but I, personally, am not telling friends and family. H, myself, and OW are the only ones who know and I want to keep it that way. That's why I'm so glad I found this place so I can vent to people who understand. See, here's my thought: My attitude before this happened was that if H ever cheated, he was out on his a**. But your perspective changes when it really does happen. I don't expect that any of my friends/family would understand my desire to stay and work this out; I would not have understood before now. I don't want everyone to think he's a SOB and I'm a dumba** if we work it out. Or even if we don't. I think it's our business how screwed up we've become and how we want to deal with it. I may be wrong...I don't know. But that's how I'm dealin' with it.

I have shared info about my WW with my family and a few friends. I did make it a point to let them know that I take responsibility for my share of the problems that led to the breakdown. I was surprised that while no-one supported what she is doing they have been able to understand our problems and have told her that. I also found that WW was happy that I thought enough of her to tell my family the things that I did to contribute to where we are. If you do talk to someone it is important to tell the whole story. I am not embassed by the situation as much as WW is but that is becasue she is still predenting that nothing is going on. Talking to someone is about being honest and feeling good about yourself not spreading rumors or hurting someone else. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]