Speaking of the roller-coaster...WW was somewhat cold tonight when she came home from work and I was just going to chalk it up the lousy weather and sick daughter.<p>But I have noticed this seems to be a pattern. Everytime things seem the slightest bit positive or we spend good time together (usually the weekend) Mondays (or the next day) take a turn for the worse. So I checked her cell phone and saw she called OM this morning before going to work. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I guess this is just what I am going to have to put up with. Every time she calls him or spends time with him (even if just at work) she turns cold toward me. I don't know what the dynamic is but this sucks.<p>If nothing else it affirms my resolve that if the fog ever lifts she will have to leave that job. I only hope that she takes the time away later this week to think and talk to her family versus chatting with him or having a secret meeting. I know there is nothing I can do about this, but it is hard not to think about it since it would fit the pattern.<p>At least I just need to plan A hard for the next two days and then I get a break to recharge my batteries.<p>One interesting thing she said tonight was that she felt I still had anxiety problems about her being uncertain as to what her decision would be. DUH...I must have married a rocket scientist. I guess she wants me to tell her I don't care what decision she makes, and take ten years to make up your mind if you want.<p>Needless to say it looks like this is going to be a long haul. I just needed to vent a little in a non-LB way. Now I just need to calm my mind since I have a Statistics exam tommorrow. Wish me luck, and a clear mind.

Well today is just a bad day. I don't feel very good about anything. I haven't been able to do much studying, and I think the exam is going to be bad.<p>I talked to WW on the phone this morning, she called to ask me about her work schedule, what days she should work and about a weekend in June. I just don't seem to have the energy to talk to her right now. I don't really have anything to say. It is so hard to carry on a conversation when all she is planning to do is maintain the status quo. I want to get on with my life with her or without her, and she seems happy to keep things the way they are. <p>I am begining to dread her being away for five days esp. with my daughter. I still want her in my life, but the tank is always getting lower on fuel. Maybee it will be a chance to recharge my batteries, but I'm not sure I will not feel worse. I think at least I will not call her, but wait for her to call when she is away. By this I don't mean sitting by the phone, but trying to be busy and getting things done.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> So I checked her cell phone and saw she called OM this morning before going to work. I guess this is just what I am going to have to put up with. Every time she calls him or spends time with him (even if just at work) she turns cold toward me. I don't know what the dynamic is but this sucks. <hr></blockquote><p>Remember that plan A does not bring them back, it makes it possible for them to want to be with you when the Affair falls apart ( 90 something percent of them end within 18 months, I can't find the actual number ) The WS finally realizes that in "real life" the OP is worse than the spouse is - because you have been using plan A and they realize you are the one they want to live with. But it often takes a lot of time. <p>Try what I have been doing, each week think of something that you are going to do for her to fill her needs that you don't normally do. This last week I cleaned the bathroom in our bedroom. She went on and on about how I didn't need to do it and that she was about to do it anyway. I just told her that I did it because I loved her, no strings attached. Finally she shut up about it. Yesterday she invited me to the bedroom (during her monthly cycle - its been years ! ) I asked her where that came from - she said " I just wanted to show you I love you." <p>So plan A is starting to show dividends for me - after 3 months ( or 3 1/2 ? actually, its close to 4 if I stop and figure. But like I said in an earlier post, every day is not like that. <p>I recommend a long term written plan. If she will tell you her needs, that's better, but if not, figure them out by how she reacts to what you do. Keep notes, you will forget. It's tough with all you are doing, but you need to do it. Write down what you plan to do, what you actually do, how she reacts. Review it weekly, keep a journal so to speak. Record your feelings, many use this forum to do it in a loose manner but I recommend you be more specific in private. <p>Why do this? It helps smooth out the downs, helps you see that there are good times, over time, you can see progress - more ups than downs and the ups last longer and are better than the downs. Like a jagged graph going gently up. It helps you stay on plan. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> At least I just need to plan A hard for the next two days and then I get a break to recharge my batteries. <hr></blockquote> <p>I have explained to my wife that I am trying to change my habits ( plan A and no LB's ) but that I am not perfect yet and that when I give a lot and get little It makes it hard on me. Since I have made a commitment to change, and not be demanding or angry so I just detach for a day or two. She asks me what is wrong and I just say " I am having a hard time, just leave me alone for a day or so." Since I have explained it to her, she knows what is going on and lets me recharge. Note that it is easier now, she has started to respond. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> One interesting thing she said tonight was that she felt I still had anxiety problems about her being uncertain as to what her decision would be. DUH...I must have married a rocket scientist. <hr></blockquote><p>You need to be honest about your feelings. Not not in a demanding or angry way. But when she makes comments like this, you need to tell her how you feel. " Yes, I am hurting, I know you have feelings for OM, I know you call him. It hurts me because I love you and want to stay married you." Then re-assure her that you will cope and be OK in the end no matter what - but that you hope that things work out. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I want to get on with my life with her or without her, and she seems happy to keep things the way they are. I am beginning to dread her being away for five days esp. with my daughter. I still want her in my life, but the tank is always getting lower on fuel. <hr></blockquote><p>From what you describe, she has already chosen you. She is including you in her plans, she asks you for input. This does not look like the ones that leave and never come back. I think she has chosen you but is waiting to see if she has made the right choice. She will have withdrawal pains, she has invested some of her heart in the OP. Help her just like if she was getting off alcohol or drugs. She needs the same help and support - and love. <p>You can do this, You can. ( prayer is the best help for me, since I found there was someone on the other end)<p>One good thing about her being gone - she may find she is really glad to see you when she comes back. I agree about giving a good plan A for 2 days. Don't ask her not to call / contact him while she is gone, don't even bring it up. Just love her. I have found that many small things in plan A do more than a few big ones. ( but I do big ones sometimes too.) <p>Good Luck,
SS

Good comment by SS above regarding your W's time away. Make sure you use this opppurtunity to show her alot of your Plan A traits. On the communication front talk to her about the trip both befor and after, ask questions, show genuine interest. While she's gone take care of the house the way she would. Do something above and beyond...like planting new flowers out front, etc. If she calls you while she's away make sure you devote 100% attention to her call. Some people have horrible phone skills and talk while doing other activities including watching TV.
This is a good oppurtunity to combine a good Plan A with her missing you while out of town.

Just a FYI, I put a post on General questions about how today ended.<p>Here is the link link to post<p>I will continue to use this as my main venting and update post..just needed some more assessment of the situation.

Hi, O. <p>Just wondering how you've been and how your weekend went. Let us know how you're doing. H.