How do I know it's over? He has told/sworn me it was over several times, I met with both party's at least 3 times and they both said they would sever all contact outside of the job, only to rediscover the contact again. They still work together which is a major problem and concern.
I discovered the affair almost 2 years afterwards yet 2 years later I am still dealing with the phone calls and contact although less than before outside of the job. I had know idea because my husband was a master at deception. Everything seemed perfect we had just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. I stumbled onto the affair while investigating another addiction. Please help, I am haunted by being deceived again.<p>[ May 09, 2002: Message edited by: ruthteach ]</p>

Is your spouse dedicated to rebuilding your marriage? If so, working with the other person is not going to work. It is much too tempting, and too frustrating for you.<p>I would strongly suggest counseling for both of you. If he won't go, go alone. It really does help. <p>If my H still worked with his OW (my former best friend) I have no doubt we would no longer be married. You have reason not to trust them, and talking to them won't help. My H's OW lied about the affair and never did admit it was PA. Our friendship was never resolved. The cheaters will say anything to protect themselves and each other.<p>I pray you will find peace and healing

Ruth,<p>No contact means just that - NO contact. Do you think his Love Bank knows when the contact is associated with the job or after-hours? Do you think her voice, her presence, her smell is less effective in depositing units in husband's Love Bank just because they are in an office or workplace environment? Nope, he has to end all contact. Period.<p>FYI we've given up close friends and a life-long hobby/activity, all as measures to insure that there is not even accidental contact. Others have been forced to move, or find new jobs. This "only at work" contact won't work. None of the Harley's would ever advocate that.<p>P

Having been there and done that, I agree completely with Persistent Ruth. If my ex-OM and I still worked together there is no absolutely no doubt we'd still be working on our 3 year long plan now, which was to end the affair. <p>PR couldn't have said it any better. I'd take a week off and spend time with my husband. I'd be thinking OM isn't so great. I don't need that relationship as much as I think I do. I even was out on a 3+ month maternity leave and felt like my old self again mentally being away from OP. The day I saw him again, smelt his aftershave and he looked at me. It was all over. It didn't start up right then, but the emotional obsessing started and from there it took off again into the PA.<p>Leaving a job that you like especially when the OP is there, feels almost impossible when you are still under the "spell" of the OP. I didn't go on my own, I got a push as did OM. At the time, (Sept 11th) we were devestated by the fact that we'd loose our jobs over the next 10 months. We didn't know how we'd maintain our relationship, etc. The truth is, it was the best thing that ever happened to me and my marriage. I HAD to get away from him because even though we "ended it" or put a "plan of ending it" back 3 years ago, working together perpetuated it.<p>I don't know what anyone could have said to me to make me realize I had stop working with him. I wish I had the answer so I could tell you what to say. I think if your husband is commited to rebuilding your marriage, and he understands the concepts here, it is a big step in the right direction. But I believe from my own experience that them seeing eachother everyday will if nothing else, stir up too many feelings that drive these affairs to go on and on.