At the end of May it will be 1 year since the discovery of my wife's affair with a collegue of mine from my place of employment. The OM sits three cubicles away from me.<p>My wife and I started a friendship with the OM and his wife in the fall of 2000. Our children enjoyed each others company. My wife and I felt we had finally found a couple with children that we could hang out with. It seemed all our other friends were newly weds without kids, or single.<p>OM's wife and my wife went to school together as children. After we got together a few times my wife attempted to call OM's wife to chat on the phone just to shoot the breeze however, she was a sales rep and was often not home in the evenings or out of town. OM was more than willing to chat though since he was alone at home. Since I worked with him I had no problems with this. We were all friends, right?<p>One thing led to another and the phone conversations between OM and my wife were more frequent, over time, and more lengthy and detailed. Use of sexual inuendos were used. I voiced my concern but my wife reassured me she was just fooling around, it was all a joke and that I had nothing to worry about.<p>OM and his wife split just before Xmas 2000, he was devestated and turned to my wife for comfort. She felt she had to be there for him because he was her friend. This was a major red flag that I chose to ignore. My wife and the OM began to spend time together just going to restaurants for dinner, movies, etc. I again voiced my concern but my wife always had a good reason for what she was doing. She would argue that she was home all during the day looking after our 2 boys and that she needed to get out of the house too. She would pull a guilt trip on me and I would cave allowing her to do these things with the OM.<p>My life turned from having a life with my loving wife to living a life and sharing her with OM. I felt powerless faced with an enormous problem and not knowing how to solve it. She spent Christmas Eve with me and the boys and Christmas Day with OM and his daughter.<p>March rolled around and things were progressively getting worse. OM was now borrowing our newly purchased 2001 Dodge Dakota truck to do his errands and go to work to do OT for a project he was working on. OM divorse proceedings sucked his wallet dry and he could not afford to keep up payments on his leased car so it got reposessed in January. My wife began offering our truck out of "kindness".<p>The annual company dinner and dance came in mid March and my wife and I attended with OM. My wife paid more attention to him than me infront of my other collegues and managers. Both of them got completely wasted on alcohol. At midnight I got a call on the cell phone from the babysitter, one of the boys wasn't feeling well. I told my wife we had to go, but she didn't want to go home just yet. To her the party was just starting. So I left in anger and she was to get a cab ride home when she wanted to leave. She left with OM at 2am and went back to his place where they proceeded to take their relationship to another level.<p>My wife and I went through turmoil from then on. We were together, but not really. My wife's parents saw a change in her personality and actions and were disapproving of her actions. They spoke out to her about their dissappointment and that just made things worse. My wife began sleeping over at OM place every night, only to come back home during the day to watch our boys while I went to work. As soon as I got home she left again with OM and our truck.<p>It was like this until the end of May 2001. That is when another collegue of mine broke the news to me that my wife and OM were not just friends. I confronted her with this news and she admitted to it. That's when I found out about the events that came after the company's annual dinner and dance back in March, as well as the other times they were intemate together. Blinded for all those months I was suddenly awoken to find myself falling from the sky at the speed of sound.<p>I was devastated. It was then that I turned to MB for help and to cope. I faced a number of the same issues many of you are faced with today in your own relationships.<p>I was haunted by the images of my wife and OM together intimately. I wondered if they would haunt me forever. Today, I hardly think of those images anymore.<p>My wife stayed with me but was still under the OM spell. She wanted to remain friends with him in a plutonic way. That bothered me and I voiced my opinion, however, it seemed I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. I always allowed her to guilt me into agreeing to her terms.<p>That is when I broke free. I confronted the OM at work. I told him that she was mine and that any feelings he had for her had to stop. I told him that I loved her and that I was going to do anything to keep her. I demanded that he seize contact with her immediately or I'd kill him. It was a threat, something I know I would never have acted on, but it needed to be stated for the record. It was enough to scare him. He seized contact and my wife began her withdrawl. For two or three weeks she called him. It started out to be every five minutes and dropped to every hour, then to every day, and finally it stopped. Any feelings she had for him then turned to hatred toward him. Suddenly she woke up from a six month fog and found herself plummeting toward Earth at the speed of sound.<p>I remember one moment when we both looked into each others eyes and I couldn't help but parallel it to a movie where two people are left standing after an intense battle as the dust clouds fall. That was us, she was remourseful for what had happened, but I had been doing some reading at the time and came to realize that I had a hand in creating the environment as well.<p>We took a vacation together for two weeks. The two of us drove out west to visit her brother and his wife on Vancouver Island. It was an opportunity to be alone with each other and find ourselves again. I, being the man, tried at my every opportunity to get intimate with her, most times I was denied but there were some moments on the trip. I wanted to just start were we left off before this had all happened but, that wasn't going to be the case we were both two different people and our relationship was under emense change.<p>We stuck it out. We worked together and today I firmly believe we love each other. I always loved her, but my love for her now is more intense then it has ever been. I know that she loves me very much too.<p>I hardly think of the dreadful past, the future looks very bright. We just purchased a new home and we move in 6 days. We also plan on having another baby in a year or so. Trying for the illusive "girl" this time.<p>For those of you who have just found out about your WS and feel helpless and powerless, take heart that others here have been through what you are going though and that there is light at the end of the tunnel even though it may appear pitch black right now.<p>Our marriage will certainly not be smooth sailing from this point on. We will encounter many more obsticles along the way, but I feel this experience has matured us and we are both more adapt to anything that may come our way in our marriage.<p>Good luck to you all,<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: bluerodeoboy ]</p>

THanks Rodeo Boy!<p> This is just what I needed! I wish threatening the OW would work but we are just competing. How long did your W's A last? Just wondering.
Forgiver

bluerodeoboy,<p>Hey I remember you!!!! Have wondered what came of you. Worried that since you never came back that it was not good news.<p>But look at you now! I'm so very happy for you and your wife.<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

My wife's emotional affair began in November 2000 and went on till March 2001 when things between them turned physical. It remained physical until the end of May 2001. It was the beginning of June when I threatened OM. They had contact with each other twice during the month of June. Both times it involved getting her things back from him.<p>Remember during the physical part of things she slept over at his appartment every night and then came back to our house for the day to watch the kids while I went to work, actually me and OM car pooled. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So she had clothes, personal things, CDs, DVDs, etc of hers and ours over at his place that he was not going to give up with out a fight. Both those encounters were extremely stressful. But that was it. Even though we work together the two of them do not have any contact with each other. He just does not come out to any company functions it seems. That would be the only time the two may come in contact, but it hasn't been the case to date.<p>I left the BB, I guess, in late June because I posed so many questions to people and I was getting so much feedback from everyone including the cousellor I was seeing he in my hometown, that I just felt overwhelmed. I was confused, angry, hurt to begin with and I came to the realization that I wasn't thinking clearly, so how could I process all this information. The only alternative was to eliminate the excess information from the equation. How can you tell I work with computers all day? My last sentence sounds like a thesis statement.<p>I have been back occationally to read other people's postings but it always brought back the past. I came to realize that I can not forget what happened and I don't want to enter that state of denial that I lived in through most of my wife's affair. By acknowledging the past and accepting it, is the only true way to learn from it and ensure it never happens again.<p>[ May 09, 2002: Message edited by: bluerodeoboy ]<p>[ May 09, 2002: Message edited by: bluerodeoboy ]</p>

Thank you for coming back and posting this. I really needed to hear a good story today. I'm the one who just asked the "old-timers" yesterday if we could hear from others whose marriages have survived. I "get it" better that surviving an affair is a lot about surviving and being happy even if your marriage doesn't make it, but it's so nice to hear from someone whose marriage has made it through the storm.
P.S Love your nametag.
Odile

Thank you for your success story. Your wife is so very lucky to have someone who stuck it out through her affair and wants to work to recover. You are both fortunate that the OM didn't succeed in breaking up your marriage.

Wow, your story sounds so similar, even the dates! Ecept that my H, myself and OW worked together. OW & H spent all time at work together. Long long story of rejection, betrayal, lies etc. They had EA I though, but PA began definately around last April 2001. By then OW was talking divorce with her H (they have 4yr old boy) & he filed. Theirs was final by October 2001. My H filed against me in Nov 2001. Was out of house 2 mo with apt within walking distance of OW's new apt. I saw his truck there more than once. He denies all still. He filed dismissal in Jan 2002 but shows no remorse & has made no effort at reconsiling. Will not go to a counselor or seek meds, sleeps on floor.
But after OW was divorced from her H, many months later he called ME!! Asking if I knew etc. It helpd complete the puzzle pieces alot. <p>But seeing your post, I guess there's hope for me yet! But you are lucky you put the fear of god into OM. OW in my case had major attitude like she was the queen & doing nothing wrong. Told me she was just "one of the guys" and was "an adult & could do whatever she wanted". BIT#@. She lives in a fancy apt & dumped her ex with a load of financial debt. One time when ex brought child over, she wouldnt let them in, most likely cause my H was there!! But I think he said things to his ex-wife that maybe got to my H & scared him (heh, heh). BUt sadly he wont open up and I dont trust him.<p>I was wondering did you ever talk to OM's wife after they were divorced? Maybe she knew for sure before you did. Or maybe she doesnt know & could use some closure on why her marriage failed? I know my H told lies about me and our marriage and OW told huge lies about her H and their marriage and the two of them lived in fantasy land and acted out their sex stuff too. It hurts. <p>I am glad your wife was willing to go with you on that vacation & you could sort things out. All the best on the new house & babymaking!! I hope if any issues arise from now on, that you two will be able to discuss it together!!

Dear CantLetGo,<p>Hang in there, from what you have shared our story's are very similar. I haven't been on the board for a week now because my wife and I have been settling into the new house. Well actually unpacking and trying to run a normal household again. My kids are extremely excited about their new surroundings and they have been getting up very early (5:30am - 6:30am), when normally they sleep in (8am). Can't stand living out of boxes.<p>I read your post and thought I would lend some more information that may help you in some way.<p>You asked about the OM wife and if she knew anything, funny that you ask. Would you believe that as soon as OM left my wife alone that he got back together with his wife. From what I know about him and from what my wife has opened up about. It seems OM had a fear of being alone. As soon as he couldn't have my wife no longer he turned to the only woman he knew would, his wife.<p>OMs relationship with his wife was always a power struggle. OMs wife is to say the least, a B**CH. She ran things in the realtionship and he felt trapped. In early conversations with my wife he told my wife things like the fact he felt trapped, and that he hated this woman. My wife offered advise and friendship, all under my nose, and there their relationship bloomed.<p>My wife actually went through somewhat of a withdrawl after learning that OM went back to his wife. It puzzled me because I couldn't understand why she even gave a damn.<p>The lies and your reference to "fantasy land" are so true. I don't know much about OM or if he lied any, I can only assume he did as well, but who knows. I know my wife did lie.<p>You see I confronted OM once before. That was a more friendly conversation. I was stressed out because I didn't understand why my wife would come home to our place during the day, yet sleep over at his appartment at night.<p>The house we lived in at the time was never ours. We rented it from my wife's parents. There was somewhat of a control factor involved there.<p>After my wife and I were married her parents bought us a house. We would live there and pay very low rent while I finished school. Once I got a good paying job we would buy the house from them. Simple! Well I got the good paying job, but when it came time to buy the house from the inlaws they were reluctant to sell because they liked the control. It stressed my wife out a lot. What made things worse is that my wife was a stay at home mom and with on income the banks would not give us a mortgage for the amount that our house was worth. We felt trapped.<p>My wife used that stress as her excuse to stay over at OM appartment. She would tell me that she couldn't stay in the house over night because she didn't feel comfortable there. However, she told OM a different story. She told him that she and I had separated and that her and I were proceeding with our own divorse proceedings.<p>I remember the lies.<p>I found my wife's diary which listed all the details of their physical affair. I found that in January four months before I officially found out about their PA. When I comfronted her with it she made up some lame-[censored] excuse. Which I actually believed. Looking back I can not believe how much of a fool I was.<p>When I found out about my wife's affair I was devastated.<p>That will all pass. It may seem hard to believe, but it will. Our new house is in our name and only our name. That feels good. We are out of that controlling situation with her parents and OM is out of our lives. Be strong. I don't know what the future has in store for you, but as I said in my first post, there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it just yet.

Hi BlueRodeo Boy,
I'm new to MB. Your story gives me hope. I wish I could confront the OW. I know if I did, it would cause more problems than what we have.<p>Thanks<p>M = 4.5 yrs
together about 10years
D-day - 6/98
2nd D-day 4/02 (not confirmed A)
3 children - 8, 7 & 3