Not sure if I put this in the right place. I have been married to my husband 4 years in July, and we have been together for 6 years total. We also 3 small children. My husband used to be a very heavy drinker and recently has dropped that off quite a bit, but still he gets drunk at lest once a month. The last time he did that I got my hair pulled, and my daughter, who is 4 years old, got thrown off the bed (he thought she was a pillow). The next day he did not remember a thing and when I told him he apologized to my daughter but not to me. He also, I believe, does not respect me. It has gotten to the point where my heart is so hard towards him, I just don't want to try anymore. I have been praying, but I feel with my heart of hearts that it is over. Anyone have any suggestions ro comments. PS. He has never hit me or my daughters when he isn't drunk, just verbally abusive. He refuses to go to a counselor,he says counselors are for people with serious problems.<p>
[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: kicanme ]<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: kicanme ]</p>

kicanme:<p>You should get with a C as soon as possible about this. It sounds like your H is probably an alchoholic. If he's violent when he's drunk, he's dangerous to you and your kids at those times. He needs someone he respects or some objective observer (like a C) to point out how he's putting you and your kids in danger when he drinks. <p>You may have to get away from him, if he's dangerous. Think first of your kids and your own safety, then work on the M, if you can.<p>Take care of yourself!

kicanme
Call your local AA chapter and find out when the next meeting is, get a sitter and go sit and listen.. you will get the support you need and help and learn what you can do to help your self, and maybe in time your husband will want to help himself, Your first concern is your daughters and your safety.. then worry about his behavior.
You cant make someone change who doesnt want to.
please call AA and just talk if you can.

KICANME,<p>Your H sounds like a very serious alcoholic! Blackouts (he can't remember anything that happened) are one of the signs of advanced alcoholism. He needs help badly! MomOfFive is right, you should go an AA meeting yourself; you will find a tremendous amount of understanding and support. They are a great resource. 2long warned you to watch for your own and your children's safety. This is very important. Do not put yourself or your children in harm's way. Even if you have to move-in with a relative, it's for the good of yourself and your children. Your H may not even realize how serious this problem is that he has and may not acknowledge that he is endangering himself and his family. If you moved out to protect yourself and your children, he just may "wake-up" and want to do something about his problem. I have grown-up with alcoholic grandparents and aunts and uncles and my own mom, too. You won't believe how deep of a fog they are in. Sometimes it takes tragedy in their lives to wake them up. I've seen it happen. Good luck to you and God bless.

Hi, and welcome to Marriage Builders. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Your H is an alcoholic. You really need to be involved in Al-Anon, for your safety, and that of your children.<p>Here's a link to an Online Al-Anon group. Please, please read there, and find a face-to-face meeting for yourself:<p>Click Here<p>Best wishes, dear. This is NOT NORMAL, and you are IN DANGER as are your children. Please GET HELP.

Like others have said, the blackouts or not remembering are a sign of alcoholism. These only occur when a person drinks too much and should never be considered normal. I couldn't tell by your description if the "hair pulling" was intentional or unintentional, but I am somewhat suspicious of him thinking the daughter was a pillow. He may have anger spouts that he doesn't remember. People that have blackouts usually don't remember the bad things that they do in a drunken state.<p>Definitely get in touch with Al-anon if you aren't a drinker or AA if you are and get the alcohol problem dealt with first. It is impossible for an alcoholic to meet someone elses emotional needs until they stop the drinking and begin to recover. My parents were alcoholics so I have some experience in what it can do to a marriage and a family. They got help through a clinic and AA and have been sober for many years now.<p>Best wishes

Kicanme, sounds like alcoholism.<p>As Sheryl said, get yourself to Al-Anon. You see, alcoholism is contaigous. It doesn't mean that you can get addicted to alcohol by being near your husband, but it does mean that you have probably contracted many of the emotional and spiritual dysfunctions of the disease. <p>That's what living with an alcoholic does to you. One thing that we (I live with an alcoholic also) co-dependents do (without recovery for ourselves) is that we suppress emotions. I'll be willing to bet that you've suppressed alot of anger. All of us do. And behind that anger is every other emotion - because it is impossible to suppress one emtion without suppressing them all. That's one reason why you don't love your husband. <p>Just last night, my sister in law called me - she had a breakdown 2 months ago, and has been in Al-Anon ever since. Do you know what she said?<p>She said: "BR, the day I had my breakdown, and I called you, you told me that once I started getting recovery and stopped suppressing my anger, that I would be able to feel joy and sadness. I didn't believe you, but you were right!"<p>My SIL has lived with active alcoholism her whole life - first her father, and now her husband, my brother.<p>All I can say, is that the first thing you can do is get help for you. You can't help your husband, at least not until you get yourself fixed. Don't make any life altering decisions for at least 6 months, and go to as many Al-Anon meetings as you can in that time. THEN you will be in a much healthier frame of mind, and able to make a better decision as to ending your marriage.<p>Whether you leave or stay is up to you. I honestly would never advocate trying to save a marriage with an active alcoholic if the other spouse wants out.<p>I just would like to see you in a stronger, better frame of mind before deciding something that you may regret later - or may do differently later.<p>Whatever you do...please be very very careful for your safety and that of your daughter. You are NOT safe when he is drunk, regardless of what he is like when sober.<p>Good luck.