My H says they never acted on their desires for each other and they would like to continue to be friends. He says she would like to be my friend too. The OW says she doesn't want to break us up but wants his as her best friend. yet they both admit they desire eachother. I'm meeting with her tonight because the H is working, I will have my infant daughter with and I'm not sure what to say and do.<p>"See message on bottom for outcome."<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: cpbeths ]</p>

cpbeths,
Why are you meeting her? Who initiated it? In my opinion, you need to tell her that your are touched by her feelings for you H, but unfortunately, your H is YOUR best friend and is not available to be HER best friend. And that if she really cares about not breaking up your marriage and family, she needs to agree to never be in touch with your H again. And if she chooses to stay in contact, she is saying to you and your H that she actually doesn't care about either of you, or your children, she's only thinking of herself. And that everything that goes around comes around. You wish her the very best, but she's not to contact either one of you ever again. <p>Other people will probably give you other advice, but that's my gut reaction...Hopefully, you'll get other thoughts as well.
AS

I second ashirley's assessment. Shut this thing down before it evolves into a M-threatening R. No compromise, no excuses.

cpbeths
I dont want to intrude, but I just have to tell you please dont do this. It is such a red flag it scares me.
i AM A FWS and I remember this XOM pushing me constantly to be friends with his wife, insisting on it, so I could be around him all times, including family functions and such, it was so we could be together more, with out any reguard to the wife. Reading what you wrote made me feel ill, please think twice, Your husband doesnt need her for a best friend, tell him you are his best friend.

He is doing his best to have both of you and thinks he can talk you into it. What next, a polygamous marriage? You may as well have one, because that's exactly what these two are driving at.<p>This woman should not be in either of your lives in any way, shape, or form. If your husband refuses to give her up, you've got a big problem on your hands.<p>good luck
psycho_b***h

I was some what friends with my wifes OM. We did everything together. It got to the point where all I could see was my fist going trough his face. So of course I refused absolutly to never be around him again. I cannot not see this as a positive for you to go through this kind of crap!

The OW has no place in your marriage. She is the last "friend" you want in the world. The brass balls it takes to suggest that you enable your husband to keep her as his "BestFriend" - ugh. <p>Listen to the other MB posters before me. And don't waste your time with the OW, except to tell her to stay away in no uncertain terms. <p>You already have a full time job bringing up the baby. That takes time away from meeting your H's EN's. There is a void. Your H wants the OW to fill that void. <p>This is cruelty at its lowest. I walked the road you are starting on. Our marriage is virtually destroyed. <p>You can tell her (coldly, without emotion) in no uncertain terms never to contact you again and that if she continues meddling and contacting your H, you will consider it a hostile act.<p>Now you need to fight for your marriage. Not fair, with a baby, but you need to work harder than ever before to win your husband back.<p>Don't take the road I took. I tried to be a good sport. I attended functions with the OW and her family. I won't describe the hell and humiliation.

My lady take it from a guy that went through EXACTLY what you are faced with today. My wife wanted to be friends with a collegue of mine from work. I allowed it to happen believing that a man and a woman can be friends without it involving sex. Ha, boy was I wrong. I was nieve and stupid. The relationship of theirs that I never stopped developed into an EA and then a PA. I was at the same folk in the road that your faced with and I took the wrong path. The path of denial.<p>Tell her flat out to get out of your life, be FIRM, and CONFIDENT. If you walk into the conversation being all weak and nice, she'll see that and never take you seriously. I confronted the OM, I was ANGRY, FIRM, and DOWN RIGHT PSYCOTIC. It was enough to scare him into relinquishing contact with my wife forever.<p>You want her to see that persuing anything further with your husband is BAD NEWS and a DEAD END. Then perhaps you and your husband should seek councelling.<p>Just my thoughts.

Hi everyone, thank you for your thoughts it has given me courage. Last Sunday we went to her church and I met her pastor, so today I gave him a call and asked for his advice too and he told me what to say to her and if she doesn't back off then he will go with me to her and speak to her. I know she thinks the world of his opinion, from things she has said. So I'm Praying this works.<p>Thanks,
Beth

Hi Everyone, i thought I would give you an update as to what happened. We met and She denies that they are anything more than friends and that she can still have feelings towards him and be just his friend. I disagreed and then she tried to council me about my marriage and said that if i don't meet his EN's she would. I told her I had again and that she needed to get out of the picture and she said she wouldn't it would have to be my H to do it. She also tried to lie about things that my H told her and say that she just observed these things(she's only seen me 3 times) I ended up walking out with my daughter.<p>I then called my H and told him all about the meeting and her lies. And that I talked to her pastor. My H had agreed before that the relationship had gone too far. And now he told me last night that he is going to break off their intimate friendship. He said he still will be her friend but on a social level only with other co-workers(they work together). He said I have been meeting all his EN's since he told me about their relationship. I think that the reasons he told me:
1. He felt guilty
2. He wanted to see if I wanted to continue our marriage.
3. If I felt he was worth fighting for.<p>I've told him I will never let our marraige get to the point where it was and I will fight like H*** to keep him.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
We are also looking for some extra curricular activity that we can do together. Neither one of us has any. Any suggestions?

I just hope the working together thing doesn't hinder this. My H's affair was with an employee, who happened to be my best friend. It's hard to break off those emotions when you see the other person every day. I don't think I'd trust her

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> We are also looking for some extra curricular activity that we can do together. Neither one of us has any. Any suggestions? <hr></blockquote><p>What about the bedroom or couch or table or living room floor or yard or [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Sorry I could not resist. On a serios note goto The Recreational Enjoyment Inventory (REI) and goto the bottom of the page there is a link. It is a nice long list of possible choices.<p>I am glad you stood up for your self and your marriage!

Dear cpbeths:<p>".... she tried to council me about my marriage and said that if i don't meet his EN's she would. I told her I had again and that she needed to get out of the picture and she said she wouldn't it would have to be my H to do it."<p>Good for you. This female has balls of brass, like I said before. Now go to the part of this site about How Affairs Should End. A No Contact letter has to be written by your H, and you should both mail it, and she needs to know that you and your H are of one mind on this. <p>She may try to worm her way back into intimacy with your H. Since they work together, she may ask advice on work matters. Your H needs to have a clear plan in mind for turning her away, for refusing any one on one conversations. Ideally, he will quit his job to preserve your marriage. Yes, I know it's a tight economy. But the Harleys would counsel you along these lines.<p>I'm so proud of you, I don't even know you, but how I wish I had taken the direct step you have taken, and confronted my H's OW. <p>Recreational Fulfillment: Some suggestions, since you have a baby and money is probably scarce: Board games like scrabble. Play for a penny a point, or a dime. I find it really fun, but I don't play by the rules. The idea is to play with each other, laugh and have fun.<p>What are your interests? Make dates with your H, Harley's tape said that the best investment he and his wife made when their children were young was BABYSITTERS so they could keep their marriage alive. If you're athletic, find hiking clubs, archery clubs, bowling leagues, a coed softball league. If you're in a city with museums, join one, and get on their list for film events. Our city's museums show rarely seen films, and you can go out for drinks or coffee afterwards and talk about the film. High schools put on plays and musicals, the tickets are reasonable, and the productions are awfully good.<p>Okay, here's a real off the wall suggestion: Are there any paint your own pottery places in your town? Are either of you at all artistic? Even if you're not good with a paintbrush, at those places you can trace designs from their books onto the greenware or fired bisque. What about a couple project: You make some of your dates a visit to the pottery place, (ask me if you're interested, I know a little about this hobby) and decide on a design or a theme, and paint, slowly, piece by piece, a set of dishes for your table. Something personal, special to you and your H. You don't have to buy everything at the same time, just one piece at a time. They keep the unfinished pieces for you until you can come back and finish them.<p>Do you skate? (Ice or roller) Go for some dance lessons at a local rink. Do you dance? Find a place where you can learn some dances together. (Not a bar; a folk dance club perhaps.)<p>Read Harley's ideas about spending time together without the TV on. Talking, looking each other in the eye talk, not "The Baby spit up today" talk, or "We need to get new brakes on the station wagon" talk, though that's important too. <p>Have you gone to the Recovery Board on this site? Even though the affair didn't go PA, you and your H need to follow the recovery steps, and like I said before, be of one mind on your recovery plan.<p>I'm so happy for you!

CB,<p>I wanted to answer your questions about activity that you can do together as a family. I know how challenging it can be to find something fun to do with a small child in tow.
I have a 22 month old. H and I haven't done much together except a few dinners out since son was born. One things we used to enjoy doing was riding our bikes. They sat full of dust and flat tires in our basement until 2 weeks ago. We bought a bike seat for the baby, cleaned them up, and went biking along a bicycle trail that runs along a major river in our state. It was so much fun to do something together besides make dinner, laundry and change diapers. The three of us had a lot of fun and plan to do it again this weekend. Good luck, you seem to be a real gem!