Hi everyone....I've been lurking at MB for a couple of months now, but usually in the Emotional needs forum, because I just "KNEW" that an affair COULDN'T POSSIBLY be the reason for the sudden, complete change my H was going through. Now I know how wrong I was. I'll copy and paste a post giving the basic details:<p>
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It was a complete and total shock. 9 months ago I had the perfect marriage. My husband was loving and sweet, romantic and the kids and I meant the world to him. Then, suddenly, in January he became distant, cold, unloving, etc...I dealt with it till march...totally plan A'ing, even though I didnt know what plan a was at the time. Nothing I did helped...he just kept saying he "needed a Break". <p>I finally gave in when he said he wanted to move in with his parents for a "couple of weeks". I even helped him pack, thinking that the break might save our marriage. Well, the 2 turned into 3, then 4 and now he's been gone over a month. Of course I asked him if there was another woman and he denied it repeatedly, and being the gullible idiot I am, I believed him. <p>My brother kept insisting that there was something else going on with him, and hired a PI. Well, friday night he got the call that H, who had told me he was working, was at another womans house, they had got them kissing on tape. My brother and I went there, confronted him, and I saw that the OW was someone from his work. Wow was that a surreal experience. <p>At least now I know why the changes in him occured. Now I just dont know where we go from here. At first I hated him so bad, but by sunday night I realized that I could possibly get past it, if he asked for forgiveness and was totally committed to me. <p>We talked for 4 hours last night and he came over tonight to see the kids. I asked him if he wanted to come home and he said "I'm not ready yet", whatever that means! grrrr..I just cant believe that I'm offering him this chance and he wont take it. I'm so afraid that each day he doesnt come home its because he's becoming more attached to the OW. Who, by the way, is a lot older and ugly. Which really shocked me cuz I thought that the person that took him away from me would be young, hot, and sexy. When she answered the door at her house, I actually laughed, which probably wasnt very nice, but hey....its not nice of her to be entertaining my H!!! It's very bizarre. She's divorced and has 2 grown kids, and looks like she's at least 50. H is only 36. <p>He wants to come over for dinner tomorrow night, I don't know how I should be dealing with this situation. Should I just let him come over and hang out whenever he wants??? Should I be loving and sweet so he see's what he's missing??? Or distant??? I always seem to end up crying before he goes and ask him to please stay. It's all so confusing. I live with this constant ache in my tummy and I must cry 100 times a day. I want my life to get back to normal.<p>
So that was last friday night. To see what's happened since, please read the whole thread<p> <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=009713<p>
Hopefully that worked...I tried to link the post.<p>
I've spent the last 2 days reading a lot of the just found out post and it really does help to know you're not alone. Getting through each day is so hard. And so far I don't feel much better.
Thanks for reading.<p>Red<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: Lit'l Red ]</p>

Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Combine Plan with honesty...
...and be clear with him...
..."your love for him will die if he continues the affair"!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Hi Lit'l Red. I'm sorry for what happened to you. Its the most horrendous thing to find out you've been betrayed by the one person you trusted with your life. Although things may have not been right in your marriage, he cannot be excused for having an affair. I read somewhere that BS are often suprised by what their WS are having an affair with, but the fact is she's fullfilling a need that you're not. Your job, if you wish to work on yourself and your marriage, is to find out what that is/are and how you didn't meet it and learn how to.<p>You've been reading and you're already plan Aing so that's a great start. At this stage the way you are feeling and reacting is normal. When I 'found out' I didn't eat properly, sleep properly, work properly, I was in a total daze and a blathering mess. Make sure that you at least keep drinking (WATER and JUICE!!!) take it from me, keep off the alcohol for a while. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I found it best to eat fruits and easily digestible things.<p>Plan A has been so hard for me, but things got easier when I let go of H and started living for me. It just happened all of a sudden. One minute I was begging him to stay, now I'm telling him that its great he's moved out and its too soon to come home. Everyone will remind you that plan A is for you, this means you detatch from H and become 'you' again. Don't worry there be someone here to remind you when you loose your way - it happens.<p>Come here and vent and get all your neediness, whineness and sobs out. Try not to do this with your H. I did it just last night and afterwards I thought that if H did this to me I'd run the other way too! Don't beat yourself up if you make a mistake. Come here, vent and carry on plan Aing. Its a learning process. <p>I think its such a big shock initally, that your first reactions are that you want eveery thing back as it was, but it won't ever be, so you're just going to have to let go of that. <p>Keep posting and try to relax. Look after yourself during this tough time.

Hi Lit'l Red - sorry you're here, but you're among friends.<p>Nothing you have described is out of the ordinary as affairs go. The best piece of advice I can offer at this point - and maybe the hardest for you to accept and put into practice - is to regard your H as totally out of his mind, not the man you know, intoxicated, drugged, abducted by aliens. You are not deaing with a rational person. You cannot reason with a drunk.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lit'l Red:
<strong>I'm so afraid that each day he doesnt come home its because he's becoming more attached to the OW.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>He's as attached right now as he ever will be - and it's a very superficial attachment. He likely thinks he's "in love". So, try not to fret over him being there longer. I know this is a tall order.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Should I just let him come over and hang out whenever he wants??? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes. You're in Plan A and every opportunity you have to meet his needs and demonstrate your improvements you should take. If your children give him negative reinforcement, good. Just don't encourage them. It's more valuable to them and him in the long run if you stay firmly on the moral high ground.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Should I be loving and sweet so he see's what he's missing??? Or distant??? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>The former. All you can do constructively is to "draw" him back. You cannot pull him back. He will only come back due to his decision or the decision of OW.<p>There are a couple of affair "truths" you absolutely need to accept - and better if you believe. First, you helped create the poor marital environment that created the opportunity for the affair - and you have to find and fix your contributions> Plan A. Second, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to end the affair, but it very likely will end on its own. To hasten its end, do not interfere with it.<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Thanks for the replies everyone.
NSR- i read your plan A-101
Seahorse- I spent hours yesterday reading your whole thread..whew it is looong! It really helps when you feel so alone to know other people are making it through and getting stronger. I also read Forgivers thread and I am very impressed with the way you both are coping. I hope I can find the strength. Not only for myself, but for our 3 kids.<p>WAT- thanks for all your insights. I've read several of your post and you really seem to understand. The one thing that concerns me about Plan A, and acting so loving towards him is this....It seems as though if I make things so "comfortable" for him when he's here, he'll see no consequences for his actions. If he can stay at his parents when he wants, hang out with OW when he wants, and then come here when he feels like seeing his kids, and we act so "happy" to see him, then he's getting the best of both worlds. So whats to stop him from continuing this forever?? That really scares me. And after he's here, and leaves, I feel so much sadder and cry so much harder.<p>LR

Good point Red, Harley covers this. For a while, you will feel like a chump...but it is something he must see...what he will get if he comes home, and the fact that it is a permanent change. If, after a while, it only seems to be encouraging "bad behavior", then you will stop, and tell him you are ready to meet his emotional needs, but he must meet yours and also give up the OW. And if he doesn't agree to that, then you go to plan B, and he can't come around anymore. <p>But you don't do that now. You first need him to see what it can be if he comes home. Then, if he doesn't come around, you have to separate and then see if the OW still finds him so attractive when he is always around, and his own kids resent him. Sorry, but that is what will happen. I saw my kids react that way. They knew dad was ok, but mom was "abducted by aliens".<p>keep up informed, and know we are with you!

Okay...i have a couple of questions for all you Plan A experts.<p>First of all...when H goes 3 or 4 days w/out calling us, should I call him? Sometimes I feel like I want to, but then change my mind and feel like when he wants to talk, he'll call me. He does have a nextel that I can send short messages to online. Good Idea? Like just "thinking about you, miss you, love you, etc. So at least during the day it might make him think about the kids & I.<p>I just HATE the fact that I have to sit here, trying to "decide" if I should call my HUSBAND. It still seems so unreal. 6 months ago he was my best friend and he called me 3 or 4 times a day from work. If anyone had said things would be this different, I would have laughed at them.<p>My next ?:
My H is living with his parents now, and according to H, they know nothing about the A or the OW. I was thinking of calling his mom & dad and talking to them about it. We have never been close, and in fact, before H moved in with them, he hadnt spoken to his mother in 2 years. I actually, to tell the truth, think a lot of his problems come from the fact that she treated him so horribly when he was growing up. But his dad is okay, and maybe if he talked to him it could help. Although probably not. Nothing has helped. Right now he is beyond help. Maybe hitting him over the head with a brick would help. Hmmmm?? Probably not...OH WELL!<p>LR

I wouldn't talk to his parents about it yet. Keep doing a good Plan A for a little longer- meaning try to identify his ENs, try to meet them, and avoid lovebusters. However it doesn't mean that you accept the A. Plan A is about negotiating with care and concern that WS end the A. You can't do that with lovebusters. (You selfish b*@$%!, give up your wh$%& OR ELSE! will not work) <p>But I do believe a BS can point out to the WS the consequences of their actions in a nice way. During my Plan A, when my little one jumped in bed with us to cuddle, I used to say to WS, let's enjoy this now, since we won't have this when you move out. (He was planning on moving out). I don't believe that fall under lovebusting- it's a statement of fact. <p>Set your time limit for Plan A. Try to date him, if he'll let you, try to do fun stuff together both individually and as a family. Show him the you he fell in love with. Avoid lovebusters, meet ENs. And negotiate. Ask him if he would consider going to MC together. <p>Give it some time, get yourself strong, and then go to B. When/if B happens, his parents will find out because he will have to bring the kids to their house.

Hi LR, this will be brief, because its 11pm here!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>First of all...when H goes 3 or 4 days w/out calling us, should I call him? <hr></blockquote><p>Try to resist it, take it from me it drives them away. You need to start to focus on you now. Go out and have some fun with the kids. Try to be patient and wait for the your real husband to come back. It may take a while. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I just HATE the fact that I have to sit here, trying to "decide" if I should call my HUSBAND. <hr></blockquote><p>Then don't. Reread some of Forgivers posts, she is the plan A pin up girl for this. Honestly, you will get to a point you don't like yourself anymore. Get out and have some fun. Get out there and do some of the things you've always wanted to. Don't wait around because it may be a long wait [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I was thinking of calling his mom & dad and talking to them about it. <hr></blockquote><p>See my post tonight in GQII - Just found out, again. WAT addresses this. I've been really cautious about doing it, because it could backfire on you - blood is thicker than water and his parents told me they would support their son, guess where that leave me!!<p>Have you told him you won't accept the A? I've told H, it hasn't made a difference yet, but he knows where I stand on this - I don't go on about it mind you, he's not deaf (just selective hearing [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Just keep reading posts and thinking about you. Eventually you will really understand plan A, it just happens if you keep trying. <p>You will be up and down for a while - good days, bad day. Don't plan B yet - I remembered I wanted to go to it after about a month, but its too soon. See also the post I mentioned before. Even though I'm really annoyed with H (another d-day) I have to keep plan Aing. He doesn't quite believe i'm a changed woman yet. He'll find out Saturday Hehehe [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

You might want to check out Brambleroses thread in GQII re Do you want to be right or married? It sums up some of what I was getting at.

How are u going Litl Red?
SH