Hi, this place has been my home for the last 2 days. The only place for me until I can face my future. I found out my H has been having an EA for 2 years. We have been married 17 yrs, known each other 29 years, and no children. I have made substantially more money than him for many years and he hates it. He says he wants to "take care" of the OW, since I don't need him. I know I have done some major MB in the past, and that he has been in withdrawal for years. Because he does not have many avenues to meet new people, he says that he does not want to give her up, because he found someone who really cares about him. Who knows if it will come again? He is reluctant to work on our marriage because he believes it is just as much as an uphill battle as it could be. He has been at this point for a long time and does not understand why I did not read all the signs. He is sorry I had to find out this way (by me, not him telling me), but he is out of love with me. I always believed in his commitment to me and our marriage, and have told him how much I love him. I have asked for details, he has provided them, and I am an emotional wreck. I can't talk to anyone yet, just want to cry and cry. I am angry and feel betrayed. I never thought him capable of such cold behavior towards me. After a few days I finally got a little sympathy because he sees such total distress. He was hoping that I had found someone else...he admitted to that the first day. That is how out of touch we are. He is willing to talk, and stay for now, but that's about it. He says he knows it is logical to give up his EA, but cannot say that he will. Thank you for being here. I wish I had found this place years ago. +

Dear CS,<p>This is a tough time and many will tell you to let him go. So will I but I will understand if you feel the need to fight for your M. I also encourage you to do so but caution you to conserve your energy. How? Work on you first. Your H is babbling and if you go with each babble, you will be worn out. It is already showing. <p>You can have shock and anxiety attacks. Wonder and even blame yourself. Your H sounds like he wants to be the knight in shining armor. He could be yours but he may not feel qualified. My H was the same way. I needed to show him that I needed his help. But that was after he stopped acting stupid. <p>In my case, since the PA happened before d/d I had to let the stubborn man make a full fool out of himself. That way when the A fell apart (it took a while - 1 year and still falling), it was clearly not because I was such a bad person as initially stated by the fogheads (WS & OP). <p>L.

Thanks for your reply. I have not told anyone yet, but have already thought about doing an individual counseling session over the phone. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag. I don't feel like I can hold it together telling someone I love. The main love in my life does not love me and it is an earthquake with many aftershocks. People think of me as this strong person, especially my H. He says I am much stronger than him. I think this makes this much easier for him to rationalize. His EA "doesn't makes friends easily" and is not dating. I laughed and said, she is dating you! He said he had not thought of it as dates because it was lunch and email. He is now realizing that is not true, as he admits to his strong attachment to her. He had not really thought about the future, and was going to keep things as they were until I blew the lid off. Right now it is one day at a time. I think he is somewhat shocked at how badly I am taking it, because he has only been able to think about himself for awhile now. He says he can't really worry about the other people and family, only himself because he is so confused about his life. I want to try to help him, but you are right, I need to work on myself too. Maybe in all this mess, I can improve my life. I want it to quit hurting so bad first.