Hello,
I'll start off by saying that I've been reading the material on this site for several weeks now and at times is the only thing that gives me hope.<p>Let me get to my problem.<p>I am 24 ... been married for nearly 5 years to my high-school sweetheart {been togeter 8} and have a 3 year old son. I just found out today that she had a PA about a month ago with a friend of a friend.<p>Here's some history:
Our relationship has done what many do ... we have drifted apart. At one point I was working 2 jobs {60 hours} and going to school full time. I thought we were bettering ourselves, but I guess you learn the hard way. She also works full time ... so there's really no problem with her being trapped. For whatever reason, I became really caught up with my job, my son, my self, etc ... apparrently forgetting about my wife. She brought it up every 6 months or so and I'd tell her I'd 'fix' things, and go right back into the routine. I was so blind.<p>Anyway ... one weekend I snapped, and told her that she was a 'horrible' mother ... this was the wrong thing to do. She has yet to forgive me for this ... and may never do so. The affair happend about a month after that weekend ... when she started going to her friends house on the weekends to party. I just thought it was that she missed out on that since we took on so much responsibility at a young age. The fling was with someone she didn't know too well ... just a guy in the right place ready to meet her needs ... I understand that. <p>My true problem is as follows. After she told me today I told her that I want us to work on this. {Had to cry a little first from shock}. I now understand all of the mistakes that I've made, and what I need to do to repair this. She on the other hand feels it may be too late. She's still mad at all the time I neglected her. She's confused as to why she had the affair {and worried it can happen again}. She's disgusted when I try to come near her {she began to think I thought she was ugly}, and of course, being physicall is the easiest way I know how to open up my feelings for her and show her that I find her at the center of my life.<p>It looks like we will go on a 'marriage encounter' weekend {at the end of june ... much too far away in my mind}. <p>I need some tips.<p>How do I act towards her in the next few weeks?<p>Should I let her still go out with her friends {she usually doesn't come home until 5 in the morning}?<p>And please ... how do I get the thought of the affair out of my head? I understand it really meant nothing and I want to forgive her ... and begin to build a relationship with her like we've never had.<p>Like I said ... these are all simple questions, but I need some personal advice.<p>Thank you all in advance.

Welcome NeverSawItComing...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Now a couple of pointers on it...
...don't Plan A with words... Plan A with your actions.
You can reaffirm your desire to work on you(and your marriage)... often... verbally... but actions do speak much louder.<p>The MEW... is a great step...
...but precede it with a good Plan A.<p>About forgiving her...
...don't let her feel you are having a hard time about it...
...but in what private time you have...
...check out an read on of the following...

1. [b]The Art of Forgiving :[/b] When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How by Lewis B. Smedes
2. [b]Forgive and Forget [/b]: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes
3. [b]The Choosing to Forgive Workbook[/b] by Les Carter, Frank Minirth

<p>Do check out Promise Keepers and/or Covenant Keepers.<p>You have my prayers...<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

NeverSawIt<p>I'm sorry for your pain. I will never forget the both the physical pain and emotional hurt I felt on D-Day (3/10/02) and in the weeks that followed. It sounds like your M was bursting at the seams and you provided that last straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. My W too gives me the "I'm not really sure why I did it." line. I hear all kinds of reasons. <p>Anyway, it sounds like you need counseling right away, not wait for a marriage encounter weekend in June, especially if she is afraid she might be susceptible to another A and she is still hanging out with her friends 'til all hours of the night. She really should not continue that in her emotional state right now. Why tempt fate? It actually makes me wonder if her A is truly over. <p>Have you apologized for your comment on her motherhood? Have you told her that you are sorry for the neglect over the years? (I too was working 2 jobs and going to school at the same time for a while, though her A happened after I had finally reduced down to one job and my last semester had ended. Go Figure?!) I'd say start Plan A right now and attend to her needs. If you can get her to talk to you, and if you can just listen, invite her to share her feelings. Show a sincere interest in her. Start addressing her EN's even though she declares "it's probably too late". As long as she is staying with you and talking (even bad stuff) she is actually giving you the opportunity to show her that she is wrong about you and the marriage. If she absolutely refused to discuss anything, you'd be in deep doo-doo. Actually, that she told you about the A is a sure sign she doesn't want the M to end. What purpose would it truly serve to tell you that? I see this as a cry to you to throw yourself into saving her and the marriage.<p>As for getting the A out of you head. It's not going to happen anytime soon. This is really fresh so it will be on your mind 24/7, for a while at least. I don't even know how I managed to get my work done at my job some days, and it demands a lot of focus, attention and accuracy! That is going to take time for you to process, but be careful not to drive yourself insane with it. You have to decide to let it go and not dwell on it so intensely.<p>As for her not being attracted to you right now and not wanting to be physical (Do you mean sexual? Or just any physical contact?), it may take some time for her to come around as seeing you as an attractive mate again. When you begin meeting her EN&#8217;s it should help bring her around to wanting to be closer to you physically. When she is ready and open to that, give her physical attention that is not sexual or doesn&#8217;t lead to sex. She needs to know that you care for her through tenderness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and attentiveness. I was 24 once, and I know at that time in my life any touch was sexual to me, so I know it&#8217;s difficult, but it is very rewarding when you find the emotional fulfillment of affection that doesn&#8217;t involve sex. And believe or not, this type of touching to many women is the emotional &#8220;foreplay&#8221; that leads them to sexual feelings, so you both win in the long run!<p>It sounds like you really want this work and that you do not want to lose her, so I think you have a good chance of repairing and saving your M, but I can see in your post that your W is harboring a lot of anger and resentment about the neglect during the preceding years of your M and she actually may resent the fact that you &#8220;pushed&#8221; her into being open to an A ! (I know it&#8217;s hard to understand, but it&#8217;s there. It&#8217;s just a part of the thought process some wandered spouses go through in placing blame.) <p>Anyway, I am sure many other well-seasoned members of MB will have some sage advise for you to follow. Good Luck and God Bless.

Thank you all so far {and keep the posts coming... it helps}.<p>I will first address plan A and also see if I can avoid bringing up the A altogether. So far it sounds like a good plan ... it's just actually following through ... that part's going to be fun.<p>Let's see how it works.

Ok ... Blind Sided's post now has me thinking.<p>I suppose it's possible she hasn't been completely honest with me and the A could still be going on. {At first when it was brought up it was just a 'kiss'} I knew something was up ... so I pushed until I got the "truth".<p>The way she explains it seems like it was a one-time thing, but now I don't know. She still seems him from time to time {in groups of others} and stays at her friends house ... with him there. {Once again ... I never saw it coming}<p>What should I do?<p>I've started plan A.
I'm keeping my pain from her.<p>Do I ask her about it again?<p>I'm very worried ... please help.

Hi NeverSawItComing <p>Like many others on this forum, you are in a tough spot. <p>Here is some general advice. <p>Wat's Guide<p>Some of this won't apply because your wife isn't totally gone after someone else, but much will apply. <p>Tell her these things :
1. You still love her and want to stay married to her. <p>2. You know you have not been the best husband but you believe you can learn. <p>If you have to, tell her that at one time you didn't know how to read but that you were able to learn and over time it opened up a whole new world for you. Explain that you have not known how to be a good husband but you believe you can learn. ( insert short description of Marriage Builders information here) And that it will change you and your marriage just as much.<p>3. You honestly believe that once you learn how, you can make her happy so she won't want anyone else. And that YOU ARE COMMITTED TO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO DO IT.<p>4. Tell her that over time you intend to show her these things. But you need time with her for it to work. <p>No matter what she says ( all your fault, you never were good to me, etc., etc. ) don't LB. Be kind to her, make sure that she knows she is safe with you and that you won't hurt her or be angry with her. ( This is hard, can you do it ? ) She will say things that are not true, because she will be in denial about what she has done and feel guilty for it. She will try to blame you for it to make herself feel better. Don't react to it, don't take the bait. BE KIND AND LOVING. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> What should I do? I've started plan A. I'm keeping my pain from her. Do I ask her about it again? <hr></blockquote><p>You want to know what is going on - more than anything else. If you have the guts and self control to leave it alone for a while, it will probably go better for you in the long run. It causes her pain now to discuss it, and she will associate that pain with you. If you can leave it until she is comfortable with you, then someday you will hear the whole story of what she was feeling and she will say
" I can't understand how I could have done this to you." and " What was I thinking. " <p>Read others stories to see how they coped with the pain, what they did to make it work for them. It will help you. <p>Get "Surviving an Affair" from DR Harley ( this website or other bookstores) . I have been helped also from the books "Love Busters" and " His Needs, Her Needs." It helps you to know how to make her happy. If you make her happy, she won't look for someone else to do it. <p>You are in for the fight of your life, but your marriage can be better when you are finished than it has ever been. We will be here to support you and pray for you. <p>These are just my suggestions, I am just someone seeking help just like you are but the principals taught on this website have made all the difference to my marriage. <p>You could also benefit from counseling. The Harley's do phone counseling that can help you set up your plan and monitor your progress. It is expensive but much cheaper than Divorce. If you have read these boards much you can see that it helps a great deal. <p>Hope this helps,
SS<p>PS, can you go these friends parties with her or can you ask her on a date to something else that she would like more? <p>If not, from time to time, hold both her hands, look her in the eyes, and say " I wish I could go with you, but since I can't, I want you to know that I will be here for you when you get back." My wife loves stuff like that. She says it is called "giving affection," something I have not been good at.<p>[ May 15, 2002: Message edited by: still seeking ]</p>