I am shocked to know my husband slept with a prostitute after `13 years of our M.I am not able to recover eventhough it happened about 7 months ago.His reasoning for doing it was I have been harrasing him with my angeroutbursts!!
I agree there have been instances I have shown my anger beyond control,but the reasons are valid.I
was showing my frustration to him,because of his lack of domestic support,being unsuccessful in his carreer for 13 years and trying to help his sister financially-BEHIND MY BACK.
He tells me it happened only once,and he is ashamed of what he did,but why is it so hard for me to forgive him??I get nightmares that he may do it again and then blame me repeatedly.
I feel cheated and resentful.I always thought we had a great sex life(he has told me on numerous occasions that we both are very compatible sexually)Why on earth he would go to another woman for sex if he had no complaints about sex with me.If he wanted to punish me,why did he choose this path,and lose his moral values.I am confused???
Can a man really do such things in revenge or is this just something he wanted to do and then since he is guilty he tries to blame it on me.
I am so nervous at times and i keep thinking of all the times when i have been out of town,and wonder if he has done this on more than one occasion.
recently i broke out and told him how hurt i was.I
suggested to him to let his sister move out of our apartment so that we can get rents if we lease it to someone else.His sister has been living in our apartment overseas for 13 years and has not been paying any rent.My H refuses to ask her for rent.This has been our main issue for fights all these years of marriage.I suggested that since this was one of our problems,which led me to angeroutbursts,leading him to cheat on me,I feel that may be he can consider renting the apartment to someone else.This will atleast convince me that he sure loves me more than his sister and definitely respects my wishes,eventhough they are unreasonable as per him.I am desperate for his love...I want him to demonstrate his love for me by listening to me just one time.ESPECIALLY after all this damage...
I am not sure if it will make me forgive him for what he did but it will atleast start the recovery process.
I need to know if what I am thinking is right.Thanks for any comments.

First of all, your H was a scoundrel when he paid a prostitute to have sex with him. Men who sleep with females other than their wife are being selfish, greedy and downright discusting. I'm sorry, but don't buy the explanation that your anger outbursts caused him to have a one night stand. Men look for reason to justify their infidelity, and unfortunately it usually comes down to blaming it on their innocent spouse. If he was unhappy with you, he has the right to remedy the situation through counseling, talking or any other means - not by taking matters into his own hands. I think he is looking for a scapegoat, and since you have had anger outbursts it is the perfect target for blame. You could easily blame your anger outbursts on him, but you don't. You are able to accept them as fault (though I'm sure you could think of many reasons to justiy them by means of his behavior)- but his infidelity, he feels, must be blamed on something. He is not owning up to his responsibility as a man to be, well, a man. He needs to first accept that he did it of his own free will, without prompting (no one held a gun to his head!), and that it was totally and unequivocally his fault. Maybe things you did degraded his self-esteem to the point that this happened, but like I said before, he had the right to fix the problems he had with you, not "self medicate".
Darn right you are suspicious that he will do it again. Someone who constantly blames others for their own misdeeds is one that cannot be trusted, as they do not accept responsibility for their own actions and thus will always have a justification for doing wrong. Watch him like a hawk - but don't drive yourself crazy and don't lovebust in the process.
For now, work on making YOURSELF happy. Him agreeing to rent the apartment to another person will not make you feel better. This is another case of transferring feeling about one situation to another that has nothing to do wtih the real problem. If you want the apartment rented, that has to be a seperate issue than the infidelity. Don't even bring it into the same ballpark - just as your anger outbursts did not MAKE him have sex with someone else, renting the apartment does not fix what he did. Maybe you think that it will help you trust him a little more, to see that he is considering your side of issues, but it really does need to be a seperate issue. Don't let the infidelity go until it is not a threat anymore. Keep one problem at a time in your sights.
I had a similar problem with my husband, except he is addicted to porn instead of actual women. He always blamed me for what he did, but not until I got it through his head that it is HIS OWN fault did he start to get better. I was made aware of the problems he had with me, and while he was taking the time to get rid of his addiction (with my help), I was working on the problems he had with me (to make myself a more attractive spouse - not just physically but in every way he had a problem with).
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. Few (if any)things can hurt a marriage like infidelity. Not just the act itself, but the lies and manipulation that come along with it. Please post as often as you need.

sp,<p>This is the tale of two rights, until both of you could pass this and start moving on, your M will never be recover and even in the danger of breaking up. It doesn't matter who is right who is wrong, both of you need to move on. Concentrate on what is important, I recon you want to save your M otherwise you won't be here.<p>Don't kick H out, for now try to get a grip of the situation. Learn as much about MB as possible, start with WAT's quick guide for BS to understand what to do in simple lists. Then go through basic concept, General Welcome and make sure you understand well EN, LB, LB$, plan A/B and POJA.<p>If you could afford it, please counsole w/ Steve or Jennifer from MB. Ask your H to conseling too.<p>As your vent ... it is very good to vent here but you know that you are LB all over the place ?. At this point your H will not listen nor willing to ammends you, hold on your anger, demand, and judgement !. Learn more about MB first then post more for questions.<p>To answer your questions, yes you could recover your M and get a better one. Many has travel this road and have a fullfilling M.<p>-RH-

Hi cri759,
thanks for your post.
you are right,he should have told me their was a problem with my angeroutbursts.He instead made love to me everytime making me think that he has forgiven my acts of anger.he should not have gone to this extreme of cheating behind my back.He tells me he did not enjoy what he did to her,butHELLO!!!who is he trying to convince me??
My H also enjoys porn and I have seen him masturbate once while watching other women on TV.this is pathetic and heartbreaking to see him fantasize about other women and finally doing it with other woman.
I have my ups and downs but most of the time i am crying miserably.He tells me he will not do it again what is the guarantee??If he really wanted to punish me why didn't he separate or divorce me for what he was unhappy with?
He never revealed to me about this escapade until I confronted him.I discovered STD and asked him,he refused on numerous occasions and finally,gave in and admitted to his contact with prostitute.This hurts me too,why couldn't he be honest??
I have a 13years of my M life with him and dont want to start all over again with another man.
Sometimes he tells me to go out and have sex with a stranger and he thinks that this will make me forgive him?
Weird ideas he has??I can't fantasize other men in my life leave alone having sex with someone other than your man.

sp,<p>I agree with Redhat in that learning about the MB principles will help you greatly deal with this situation. So if you haven't picked up some of the Harley's books offered on this website, do that soon. I especially like His Needs, Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, and Love Busters.<p>As far as telling you to go sleep with a stranger - I think this is his way to remove the guilt from his escapades, and maybe give him a license to do more. Don't fall for it. My W said the same thing to me, because she is content to have an A and she was "releasing" me so to speak from having to get all my SF from her. I refuse this offer and instead I will seek counseling and am reading all I can to help. I want to have some moral grounds to get things back on track. Going out and sleeping with someone will only complicate the situation and make it less likely the M will be salvaged in my opinion.<p>Best Wishes

SP
I agree with Redhat.
I also think that once intimacy has been restored into your marriage your H won't need the porn, etc. although it may take awhile to break the addiction.

Sp,<p>I read your post, and it really disturbs me for several reasons. You are right &#8211; your husband having an Affair is a horrible thing to do. However, some things you wrote sound like you are trying to put all of the blame on your husband. You likely didn&#8217;t push him into the arms of a prostitute. But you need to take responsibility for pushing him out of your relationship. Specifically:<p>His reasoning for doing it was I have been harrasing him with my anger outbursts!!
I agree there have been instances I have shown my anger beyond control, but the reasons are valid.<p>Ok, Harley states that there is NEVER a reason to Love Bust. There is no way for you to justify &#8220;anger beyond control.&#8221; I don&#8217;t care if you are a Playboy pinup who loves to have sex, your husband is not going to be able to remain in the State of Intimacy if you hammer him with Love Busters. I have known men who thought they found their ideal mates &#8211; beautiful women who satisfied their sexual desires &#8211; but eventually they left them anyway because they were, in a term b*itches. Regardless of how great they were in bed, and good looking, they couldn&#8217;t stand the anger. <p>He tells me it happened only once, and he is ashamed of what he did, but why is it so hard for me to forgive him?? I get nightmares that he may do it again and then blame me repeatedly.<p>Unless you change your ways, he likely will do it again. Listen. If he is showing remorse, that&#8217;s a heck of a lot more than most WS&#8217;s do at this stage of the game. Consider yourself lucky. But what are you doing to change the reason he strayed in the first place. This is not about sex. It is about a man who is prevented from having an intimate, emotional connection with his wife because of her lack of Protection. Hammering him with Angry Outbursts &#8211; Love Busters.<p>I feel cheated and resentful.<p>Yes, I feel the same. My wife had a 2-1/2 year affair with a very good friend of mine. Resentment will decline with time. Initially though, I had a lot of dreams and visions of the two of them. Luckily that has decreased now too. It&#8217;s been six months since D-day.<p>I always thought we had a great sex life(he has told me on numerous occasions that we both are very compatible sexually)Why on earth he would go to another woman for sex if he had no complaints about sex with me.<p>He was probably either looking for an emotional connection, or he desired sex with someone that found him interesting, talked to him, made him feel special, didn&#8217;t blast him with anger outbursts. Get the picture yet. Really though, if you can provide an environment of Protection, he will probably tell you why he did it. Until you show you can Protect him, he&#8217;s not going to open up though. Your choice.<p>If he wanted to punish me,why did he choose this path,and lose his moral values.I am confused???<p>A lot of priests have given up moral values in instances like this. The reality is that with little emotional ties to our mate, we become vulnerable. And vulnerability usually walks right over moral values.<p>My H refuses to ask her for rent. This has been our main issue for fights all these years of marriage. I suggested that since this was one of our problems, which led me to anger outbursts, leading him to cheat on me. <p>Sounds like the two of you need to POJA the apartment situation. And in the exercise, you need to control your Anger. Until you do that, it is your fault too that the two of you have not been able to reach enthusiastic agreement on this issue. Don&#8217;t come up with these crappy excuses for justifying your anger outbursts again. Remember, Harley says no excuse for LB&#8217;ing.<p>I am not sure if it will make me forgive him for what he did but it will at least start the recovery process.<p>I think the first thing YOU need to do is take ownership for your part in the demise of the marriage. Rarely is there a totally innocent party in this. You Love Busted, he cheated. He should forgive, you should forgive. Realizing you had a part in the demise may help you move forward with forgiveness of his part.<p>Have you read Surviving an Affair? Order it from the bookstore on this website. It&#8217;ll give you some insight into how things got this way, as well as a way to recover. Good luck to you.<p>P

Crl759,<p>Your post to sp makes it sound like there is a totally innocent party and a guilty party in her marriage.<p>First of all, your H was a scoundrel when he paid a prostitute to have sex with him. Men who sleep with females other than their wife are being selfish, greedy and downright discusting. <p>I agree with that. He did wrong.<p>I'm sorry, but don't buy the explanation that your anger outbursts caused him to have a one night stand. Men look for reason to justify their infidelity, and unfortunately it usually comes down to blaming it on their innocent spouse. <p>Crl, you need to wake up here and smell the roses. Most spouses roam due to either unmet Emotional Needs or Love Busting. A spouse who Love Busts, with Angry Outbursts, will drive away her mate quickly, regardless of how well she meets his EN&#8217;s. A single AO will withdraw units from his Love Bank much quicker than they can be deposited. This is basic MB philosophy. Failure to Protect (remember, Rules of Care, Protection, Honesty and Time) will drive a marriage from the State of Intimacy.<p>You could easily blame your anger outbursts on him, but you don't. <p>No, read her post again &#8211; she does blame it on him. On his handling of apartment rent to his sister.<p>Darn right you are suspicious that he will do it again. Someone who constantly blames others for their own misdeeds is one that cannot be trusted, as they do not accept responsibility for their own actions and thus will always have a justification for doing wrong. Watch him like a hawk - but don't drive yourself crazy and don't lovebust in the process.<p>Yes, as long as Protection is an issue, he is vulnerable to doing it again. Is it something premeditated, or a conscious justified action? Probably not. It&#8217;s just being vulnerable as long as his marital relationship is not happy. This is why Harley suggests extreme measures to protect our Love Bank from other people making deposits.<p>For now, work on making YOURSELF happy. <p>Oh, this is BS. Where do you get this? Do you really think Plan A is about making yourself happy? It&#8217;s about working on yourself to eliminate the Love Busters. THAT&#8217;s what she needs to do if she wants to recover her marriage. And make a place for him to stay instead of stray. What Harley book do you get &#8220;make yourself happy&#8221; from, Crl?<p>I was made aware of the problems he had with me, and while he was taking the time to get rid of his addiction (with my help), I was working on the problems he had with me (to make myself a more attractive spouse - not just physically but in every way he had a problem with).<p>Yes, yes, this is the way to recovery. Both of you work on your problems. Eliminate the Love Busters. Incorporate the Rules of Care, Protection, Honesty and Time into your relationship. Tossing all of the blame on one or the other is not the answer. Taking responsibility for our part in the demise of the marriage, and working on yourself, is the answer. <p>P

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sp:
you are right,he should have told me their was a problem with my angeroutbursts.<p>I was going to sit this one out because persistant said everything I wanted to, but the above statement just amazed me.<p>One of the obvious effects of angry outbursts is to cow the other party away from honest communication. Isn't that obvious? Did you think there WASN'T a problem with your angry outbursts?

I am not fully blaming it on him.I am responsible for providing the reght situation for him to DO IT,but all said and done the choice was his not mine.
He has always been dishonest with me as regards his financial relation with his family.His phone calls to his people have always been when I am not around? when asked for an explanation,he has always brushed it aside without any reasoning.what is so secretive with his people that he cannot share with me.If he wanted to give them money behind my back,isn't there some respect for my decision too.I have objected to his giving money to them specially when they are saelf sufficient.I think more than the money matters it is his dishonesty which drove me crfazy.I have been bottling all my frustrations with his dishonesty,lack of domestic support especially when I have been the sole bread winner
and then I finally started to show it thru my AO.Agreed I was wrong,but One shows the anger on the ones you love the most.I wished for him to correct his behaviour but i chose the wrong channel.I do not agree with the equation of
angeroutbursts=revenge
there is no place for revenge in marriage.when it comes to taking revenge on your spouse,what kind of protection one is guaranteed for future.My anger was not revenge but a desperate cry for him to change his behaviour when nothing else was working.I still feel that once you lose the trust in marriage,everything comes to standstill.I will never trust him with any woman when he is alone.
all men are desperate for sex(hormonal),A wife needs emotional support and constant assurance that they are special and mor important than any other woman,be it coworker,mother,sister or daughter.My H has always thought love is sex.I feel so cheated at times for doing all this for years.took care of every need of his and in return he could not show me the love I wanted from him.Dont we all demonstrate our love to our children when they demand some unreasonable things and we take all the pains to get them those small desires.why cant Wifes be treated like that.Even if he feels it is unreasonable to get his sister out of the apartment(by the way she has boughther own Apartment which she is renting to others but would not pay rent to us),he
still can grant me this small desire and prove to me his love for me.I constantly get this feeling that his sister is more important than me.
And now after he has commited this sin,I feel he owes me something in return.I am willing to control my AO if he also takes some positive steps to repair the damage.

sp,<p>Buy and read SAA. You point to a few things that you would like, but the reality is that your marriage could really use an overhaul. This is about the two of you negotiating things like financial support of relatives. It is about you understanding his Emotional Needs and you understanding his. It is about bringing the Rules of Protection, Care, Honesty and Time into your relationship. Sometimes it takes an event like this to shape up things and rebuild into something better. But if you want to do the Marriage Builders approach, read up on the MB concepts. Start by buying and reading Surviving an Affair. Him cutting off financial support to his sister is just one issue. You have many more to work on to get your marriage to a higher level. Good luck to you.<p>P

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sp:
He has always been dishonest with me as regards his financial relation with his family.<p>Well, that was wrong of him. Some people are just born liars. Others retreat to it when pressed between two immovable objects, both of which they love and don't want to hurt. Which is it here? <p>Agreed I was wrong,but One shows the anger on the ones you love the most.<p>uhhhhh.....oy vay.<p>Bottomline -- your marriage is unlikely to make any progress while you lovebust.

I am fairly new here (almost 4 months past d-day) and my WH's revelations included prostitutes and an ongoing A with a co-worker.<p>I can understand your frustration and fears right now. Going to the doctor to get tested for STDs when my WH was my one and only was one of the toughest days of my life.<p>I made a lot of mistakes early on as I was unaware of MB and this site and Surviving Affairs. The best thing you can do right now is to read as much as you can so that you better understand what is going on. I highly recommend Surving An Affair, After the Affair, and Torn Asunder. They helped me tremendously.<p>I have learned so much from the others on this website, but I had to get past my anger and acknowledge that while my WH was doing/had done something awful (that I previously would have described as unforgiveable); there was no doubt that I had contributed to his need to try and find a connection elsewhere. It isn't right. It is bad behavior and it is immoral. But, many on this site have helped me to see that being right doesn't save your marriage. <p>No, there is nothing I did that I believe makes my WH visting prostitutes or having an affair ok. But, yes, I now acknowledge that I probably took his love for granted and did not meet or understand many of his needs and vice versa. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but allows me to look forward rather than backward. I want my marriage; I don't just want to be right.<p>This is hard work and it is going to be painful for you. I feel for you and hope you continue to come here to get understanding and support.

Thanx everyone for all the support.I have finally realised the misatakes committed by me.I guess my
AO was on the top of list.I had a talk with WH and want to work out my marriage at all costs.As someone pointed out,it takes an incident like this to open our eyes.It is sad but atleast it gave us a chance to repair the damage....
I want to know if it is normal for me to keep expecting a sincere apology from him for the act as I am not able to forget him eventhough i have forgiven him.
I get nightmares at times and sex is so passive these days.how long it takes tyo recover from all this mess????

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sp:
<strong>I am shocked to know my husband slept with a prostitute after `13 years of our M.I am not able to recover eventhough it happened about 7 months ago.His reasoning for doing it was I have been harrasing him with my angeroutbursts!!
I agree there have been instances I have shown my anger beyond control,but the reasons are valid.I
was showing my frustration to him,because of his lack of domestic support,being unsuccessful in his carreer for 13 years and trying to help his sister financially-BEHIND MY BACK.
He tells me it happened only once,and he is ashamed of what he did,but why is it so hard for me to forgive him??I get nightmares that he may do it again and then blame me repeatedly.
I feel cheated and resentful.I always thought we had a great sex life(he has told me on numerous occasions that we both are very compatible sexually)Why on earth he would go to another woman for sex if he had no complaints about sex with me.If he wanted to punish me,why did he choose this path,and lose his moral values.I am confused???
Can a man really do such things in revenge or is this just something he wanted to do and then since he is guilty he tries to blame it on me.
I am so nervous at times and i keep thinking of all the times when i have been out of town,and wonder if he has done this on more than one occasion.
recently i broke out and told him how hurt i was.I
suggested to him to let his sister move out of our apartment so that we can get rents if we lease it to someone else.His sister has been living in our apartment overseas for 13 years and has not been paying any rent.My H refuses to ask her for rent.This has been our main issue for fights all these years of marriage.I suggested that since this was one of our problems,which led me to angeroutbursts,leading him to cheat on me,I feel that may be he can consider renting the apartment to someone else.This will atleast convince me that he sure loves me more than his sister and definitely respects my wishes,eventhough they are unreasonable as per him.I am desperate for his love...I want him to demonstrate his love for me by listening to me just one time.ESPECIALLY after all this damage...
I am not sure if it will make me forgive him for what he did but it will atleast start the recovery process.
I need to know if what I am thinking is right.Thanks for any comments.</strong><hr></blockquote>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sp:
<strong>I am shocked to know my husband slept with a prostitute after `13 years of our M.I am not able to recover eventhough it happened about 7 months ago.His reasoning for doing it was I have been harrasing him with my angeroutbursts!!
I agree there have been instances I have shown my anger beyond control,but the reasons are valid.I
was showing my frustration to him,because of his lack of domestic support,being unsuccessful in his carreer for 13 years and trying to help his sister financially-BEHIND MY BACK.
He tells me it happened only once,and he is ashamed of what he did,but why is it so hard for me to forgive him??I get nightmares that he may do it again and then blame me repeatedly.
I feel cheated and resentful.I always thought we had a great sex life(he has told me on numerous occasions that we both are very compatible sexually)Why on earth he would go to another woman for sex if he had no complaints about sex with me.If he wanted to punish me,why did he choose this path,and lose his moral values.I am confused???
Can a man really do such things in revenge or is this just something he wanted to do and then since he is guilty he tries to blame it on me.
I am so nervous at times and i keep thinking of all the times when i have been out of town,and wonder if he has done this on more than one occasion.
recently i broke out and told him how hurt i was.I
suggested to him to let his sister move out of our apartment so that we can get rents if we lease it to someone else.His sister has been living in our apartment overseas for 13 years and has not been paying any rent.My H refuses to ask her for rent.This has been our main issue for fights all these years of marriage.I suggested that since this was one of our problems,which led me to angeroutbursts,leading him to cheat on me,I feel that may be he can consider renting the apartment to someone else.This will atleast convince me that he sure loves me more than his sister and definitely respects my wishes,eventhough they are unreasonable as per him.I am desperate for his love...I want him to demonstrate his love for me by listening to me just one time.ESPECIALLY after all this damage...
I am not sure if it will make me forgive him for what he did but it will atleast start the recovery process.
I need to know if what I am thinking is right.Thanks for any comments.</strong><hr></blockquote>