My H and I dated for 2 1/2 years before we married last June. We pretty much lived together 2 years out of the whole 2 1/2 years. He is 5 1/2 years younger than me, never been married and no children. Didn't bring anything into the marriage other than hisself and debts. I on the other hand had been married to an alcoholic for 18 years, have to teens, own home, and control about everything. I flipped out 2 months after we married and had a one night stand. I just told him 6 weeks ago about it. I couldn't live with the lie anymore. He packed up all his things and left immediately to move in with parents. We both have been on this rollercoaster ride for 6 weeks now. He won't come home an try to make our marriage work. We talk all the time. He listens to me, but doesn't say much, other than how can he ever trust me again and analysing everything I say. I really love him, and I want to make our marriage work. I don't know how to earn his trust back unless he comes home so I can show him it won't happen again. I either have to move on with my life, or he has to give us a fair shot at the marriage. I told him I would do anything it took to make our marriage work. He says he still loves me and is in love with me. So what now???? What can I do?

Mysti,<p>Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild, and I don't claim to have the answers. But I would recommend reading the Harley Books because the knowledge you gain about having good relationships will benefit you greatly. You need to make your home and you a safe place for your H to return to. You can't force him back, but you can work on yourself to make sure you are doing the right things to draw him back. <p>I would recommend setting up a counseling session with Steve Harley to get started. The information for this is found on this web site. I have an appointment this Thursday which is my first, and so I have hopes that this will get things going in the right direction for my relationship.<p>Best wishes.

Mysti2B,<p>You stated:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I flipped out 2 months after we married and had a one night stand. I just told him 6 weeks ago about it.<hr></blockquote><p>I guess there are several questions that come to my mind. What does "flipped out" mean? Was having one night stands something you have done in the past?<p>I ask you these questions because you need to fully understand WHY you did this just two months into the marriage. Especially, after having been in a marriage for 18 years. I hope that you do some reading. ONe of the first books I would recommend is Surviving an Affair by Harley. <p>It has only been 6 weeks since he has learned of this. As time goes on, his emotions will settle down a bit. But, you need to look at the concepts of Plan A. I realize the plan is usually used by the betrayed spouse one the spouse having an affair, but many of the concepts may be useful to you.<p>Frankly, he will need a compelling reason to come back after being cheated on 2 months into the marriage. You two don't have children, the house is yours, it sounds as if life ran pretty much as you wanted. AT least your statement that you had everything under control would imply this. In that vein, how was the marriage until you disclosed your ONS? Did you two meet each others needs, were you happy? Was he happy?<p>Another set of questions, did he feel that you needed him for anything? I mean you have obviously been able to get along without him before, your life was pretty set, so was he sort of low down on your "to do" list.<p>You need to stop and really evaluate where you think he felt the relationship was. You two need to do some talking once you have the answer for a variety of these question.<p>I suspect your marriage can be saved, but some how he is going to need to see the value of it. You havn't mentioned how old you two are. If he has been a batchelor for awhile, he also may have decided life is too short to put up with affairs from someone who doesn't need him, when he is fully capable of taking care of himself.<p>Do some thinking, read the posts here, read the articles here on marriages, needs, the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA and keep asking questions.<p>The posters here will help you as much as they can.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Well, my H is 34 and I am 39. He was a bachelor for all those years. I on the other hand have never been alone. Yes, we needed each other. He has not had very many relationships where he fell in love with me. He fell for me baddddd. I on the the other hand would break up a lot with him, due to my fears from my previous marriage. Yes, I had affairs in my last marriage. It was to get back at my husband for having affairs on me. I don't want to be that way. I think it is a self-Esteem thing. I really love my husband that I have today. I have let some of the bad marital problems from my past creep up on our marriage. I realize when someone I really loved left, I WOKE UP!! I will admit my flaws and am willing to communicate. I wasn't doing any of that. I feel like we can't work on the relationship unless we get together some. H told me he felt like maybe now he isn't In-Love with me or maybe it's for the wrong reasons. How do you know if it is for the wrong reasons?

Mysti:<p>From what you've described, I think what your H is thinking is the least of your worries right now. Since you had multiple "revenge As" during your previous M, and an A just 2 months into this one, you've probably got some serious issues of your own that you need to sort out with a good C before you can ever hope to work on your M with your H or anyone else, if he should decide to move on at this point, and he might.<p>good luck to you.

Mysti2B,<p>Now some more questions. Why did you have the ONS? Did your H know of your affairs in the previous marriage? Have you considered getting some counseling to deal with the fall out from the previous marriage?<p>I ask these questions because something went wrong and you had an Affair (yes a ONS, but nevertheless you broke your vows). I am probing here to find some places to start to tell you how to communicate with your H about what has happened.<p>If your H is saying is his not "in-love" with you then there is still hope, but there may be more to this than you think. I will bet he has been destroyed and feels very foolish at the same time. He marries for the first time and his W is going out on him within two months. This DOES NOT help the male ego. It isn't so good on the feelings of females either. <p>The idea of these questions is not to determine your faults per se'. Everyone has them, it is to get to a point where a recommendation can be made to strt rebuilding your marriage.<p>Given that I don't know it all at this point let me conjecture what may be bugging your H.<p>1. He feels like he failed.<p>2. He feels that you don't need him, but sort of want him around when you might like to have him around.<p>3. He isn't sure of your commitment to marriage especially if he is aware of your affairs in the previous marriage no matter how bad it was.<p>4. He probably doubts he has the ability to make you happy.<p>5. He now realizes he is clueless as to what it would take to make this marriage work.<p>I would strongly recommend that you two see a marraige counselor and that you see someone to deal with the issues left from your first marriage.<p>Keep talking with your H, but not about the A. Not about your marriage. Go do some of the things you used to do before you married. Enjoy yourself some, and let him see the woman he thought he married.<p>One last thing. Have you been tested for STD's? If not do that as well. A ONS is not a very healthy thing, even if protection is worn.<p>Mysti2B, examine yourself and find out what was missing and why you did what you did. If you can understand this and communicate it to your H, he may develop some confidence that a repeat of this behavior can be stopped.<p>A promise to stop won't work, because two months earlier you promised fidelity for the rest of your life in your wedding vows. He is going to need to understand the reason. <p>All is not lost, but this will take sometime. Have patience.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: Love is a powerful driving force in our lives but I am not sure it is reasonable. I will say that the Harley approach provides about as much reasoning as one can find for why marriage can last or fail.<p>[ May 13, 2002: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

Yes, My H knew of my affairs. He new what kind of abusive relationship I was in and actually went through some extremely bad times with me. My X tried to kill us. It looked like DieHard in my H's front yard one night when the X was on a rampage coming with guns, the cops luckly got him. Me and the H have led; from the very beginning of our relationship; a very disturbing and turmoiling life. My X caused us all kinds of trouble. Thats what confuses me. Me and the H went to 1 counseling meeting and the counselor looked at my H and said you knew obviously what you were getting. Meaning I had problems from previous marriage. I have come a long way though. It took me 18 years to get messed up and it has only been 3 1/2 years since me and my X seperated. Yes, I did go to counseling for about 8 months over detaching from the X. Not about the affairs though. I feel like maybe why I did the ONS is because it made me feel powerful, plus I was drunk. I have an extremely good job making quite good money and had just closed a deal with a vender at one of my customers sites. He took me to dinner and we drank way to much and before knew it I was in his arms not caring. Only cared about my own pleasure at that time, (selfish of me). I have read a little on affairs and why people have them. I feel my self-esteem is low, and it gave me power. I feel really good when a good looking guy gives me that kind of attention. But.......This very same guy I had the ONS with tried to hit on me several times after and I told him No Way!!!! He also found out me and my H is split up and he tried again. Again, I said NO Way!!! He is also married by the way and very unhappy. My main concern now is this.... Yes, me and the H needs to go to counseling, cuz I feel he has issues too. Putting up with my crap in the beginning indicates that. Never-the-Less ---- I do Love H. He is a wonderful, gentle, caring man. He is soooooooo good to me and still loves me. He just looks at me different now, he says and doesn't know if he loves me for the right reasons. I told him that with time and work this would change his outlook on me hopefully. I feel though the longer we are apart, the more risk we have in NOT making our relationship work, due to I have to make some choices that H could not live with.
Example Changing jobs - Going back into car sales. REASON: to make better money, plus I work from home right now and that is not good for me. I need to be around people right now. I have no family or very many friends here. <p>He doesn't want me in car sales cuz of the hours. He just don't like me in a dealership even though that is how we met.<p>Some things just can't wait for slow decisions. I ask him for 6 months of his life to see how things go with all the efforts I am going to make and counseling with or without him -- blah blah blah.<p>Meanwhile he stays at his Mother's. He told them everything. I feel they possibly are influencing him on his decisions. He says a big part of him feels we could make it and a big part feels we wouldn't. I have heard this for 6 weeks. I am going to change with or without him. I am also going to get counseling rather we work it out or not. I know this opened my eyes and I am not proud of myself. I hate myself for it. I just can't go through anymore of this up and down rollercoaster ride I am on. He gives me hope one day and the next he is really negative towards me. I know it is hard, and I know he is hurting, but I am too. If I say one thing wrong he punishes me with his words. Like Mother's Day, he was going to come over, but I said something he didn't like so he punished me by not coming.
I really value what I had, where as maybe in the beginning I just didn't realize it. Too busy in my own career, own life, trying to control everything. I know alot more now!!! I just had to get all this off my chest. Thanks for talking! Maybe it will help me understand why more. Who Knows? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

OK Mysti2B,<p>Knowing a little more, let me offer you some advice. This site has a concept called Love Busters, LB's. These are comments, actions, and behavior that help destroy the love of your spouse for you. You need to read about them on this site. It seems to me the ONE important thing you can do is stop ALL LB's. I mean all.<p>You should also read about Plan A, because one of the things you do while in Plan A is stop all LB's. You can do this whether or not you are with your H. I am sure his parents are counseling him to leave you. Why?<p>Not because they don't like you, but because they love their son and they don't want him to get hurt further. More importantly there are no children involved, probably few assets to split. NOW is the best time to get a divorce, the marriage isn't even a year old.<p>I must tell you that you are going to have to go some to have this ONS explained to him. He cannot forbid you to drink, and he cannot forbid you to be with clients. So it is up to you to decide what you will do to protect your H and then start doing it. It may take stopping the drinking. It may take something else.<p>As for the job switch, you two need to sit down and really discuss this. It affects his life as well as yours. If you do take this job and that means that even if he comes home you are not their, it won't be good.<p>Mysti, talk, talk, talk to him. If you have begun to understand your behavior and why you did this, tell him. Ask for his help and ideas.<p>It is clear he is very hurt by your actions. I suspect he still does love you. There is a saying: "The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference." I don't think your H is indifferent to you, he is dealing with his pain and some of his approaches are not as good as they could be. But that is his issue not yours.<p>Please read about Love Busters, the concept of the Love Bank, and the policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. You can find them in the articles here.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Mysti,
One question. You say you are a successful saleswoman. After closing an order you screw your client. What do you think you are being paid for selling cars or selling your body ?

olderandwiser:<p>A bit harsh, doncha think?<p>My W had her first sexual encounter with her OM when they both drank too much.<p>I took a stand myself after our first MC session, and cut way back on my drinking - don't drink to excess anymore at all, and never drank a lot anyway. My W saw this and stopped that behavior herself.<p>I think Mysti could send a positive message her H's way by not drinking with clients like this in the future. Not going to solve all their problems, but it is a "simple" visible step in the right direction.<p>take care,

Thanks all for all your replies, it does help! New news, I had to go to my H's office today to have him sign a form that needed notarized for my rollover. We ended up in small little arguements. He stated he could make things hard on me and jumping to things in the past (not the A though) just stuff I had said to him that he considered giving him a hard time. He didn't trust the form he was signing, telling me how he just doesn't trust anything about me. I just didn't say much of anything, but my eyes teared up. He then apologized. Then he ask me to ride him through McDonald's to get lunch cuz he had to get back to office. He didn't offer to get me a thing. I said, "thanks for asking if I would like anything". It hurt me that you didn't even ask I told him. I said I guess you don't think about me at all. He said, "Not Much"! Then he ordered me a double cheesburger. We pulled over to a parking place and he again said I am sorry, I don't mean to hurt you. He said, "I love you" But don't know if it is for the right reasons, and I don't feel the same about you. I don't know If I am In Love with you. I looked right into his eyes and leaned over and then we start kissing. Geez it like to killed me and I almost cried. I looked at him after our long kiss. I said did you feel anything at all. I could tell he did. He is fighting US! He said, Yes it did, and it tore him up too. You all have to understand this man chased me for 2 years and would't give up on me and all my problems. Now I am chasing him trying to fix them. He is coming over tonight, his idea! Anyone got any suggestions as to how to get through to him. I need to know if he is willing to give us a chance. He is so up and down with us. I just need to know something, I can't take it anymore, the NOT knowing. I have a decision to make on a job offer if we do not get back together. Things eventually have to move on. I LOVE HIM THOUGH. DAMN! I ask him "Do you think you can give us a chance" His answer still after 6 weeks, I just don't know. The minute he thinks I am going to do something that could change my life though, he starts asking me questions and states "There is a big part of me that really wants to", but then theres that And there's a part of me that just don't think we will make it either. Oh Well! What you all think of this.<p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Mysti2B,<p>Will you slow down and quit thinking about yourself? I see this as the main problem. I can envision you standing there tapping your foot looking at your watch impatiently saying:"Six weeks is up, your time is up, I must do something else beside worry about this marriage."<p>In the recovery of an affair 6 weeks is very little time. The nominal time is around 6 months before real recovery can start. You are saying to him that his feeling don't count and that he must meet your time scale. Sounds very controling doesn't it, and it surely doesn't sound like you love him. You will if it is convenient, but if you have other decisions to make he must dance to that tune.<p>Do you see what I mean. There is repair work to do, there is healing to be done. You must first and foremost decide if YOU want to rebuild this marriage. If YOU do then you must give it time.<p>Heck Mysti2B you scare me and I'm not married to you. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Seriously, think about it. You have been married less than a year, you get drunk and sleep with a client. Your conscience gets to you and you tell him some months later (good for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ), but then you expect everything to be all better in 6 weeks. You have been dealing with this for many months, but he is supposed to deal with it in six weeks.<p>Mysti2B, rather than deadlines you need to be applying some TLC to this situation. He has every right to not be sure he is married to the right woman. If you truely love him, he and the marriage come first. If you don't divorce him and make your job decisions.<p>Do you see what I am driving at here? You say one thing, and then do something that indicates the complete opposite. Actions speak much louder than words Mysti2B. And you control both of those categories: your words and your actions.<p>Think about this abit.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL, you give such good advice...would you elaborate on the 6 months that you mentioned before real recovery can begin? Is that 6 months from d-day? Thank you, CSue

You know what JL, your right! Gosh! It takes someone on here to just tell me off and you know what, It works. I am going to think about him. I am going to think about the marriage. I am going to put them first and stop pushing. I just miss him so much though. I really do love him very much. I will have to take that other job though. If we get back together, Hey, I can go somewhere else if he doesn't agree with me working there. Ok enough said tonight and thanks. By the way tonight's conversation with my H went very well.

Csue,<p>There is nothing special about 6 months, but it does seem to take that amount of time for people to really start moving away from the events of D-day, end withdrawal from OP, or start to not hurt as much. If you want to get an interesting view of this recovery from an WS go to BLUECHAINS thread in the recovery section and read SKM's Chronicles that I book marked for BlueChains to read.<p>It will give you an idea of the time line and how her thoughts changed. Frankly, I think one year is a magical time. I recall when my family used to move a lot, it always seemed to take a year to get used to a new place, a new situation, a change in jobs. I don't know why that is but it seemed to be true.<p>The 6 month mark is suspect has probably something to do with how long it take us to forget some details. I don't know but it does seem to be an important time in recovery. It is also about the time that the BS starts to wonder if they should stay in the marriage or show real anger. THAT I can understand, because at 6 months it becomes clear that the marriage can make it and all of those feelings that the BS suppressed to get the recovery going, can now more safely surfaced.<p>Sorry, no hard and fast things here, just seems to be a rule of thumb.<p>Hope this helps. <p>God Bless,<p>JL

Just Learning,<p>I am making some big changes in my life now. I was thinking yesterday a little too much and got myself all tore up, and then it dawned on me. I needed help. I sobbed with shame and guilt which was really conviction from God. I rededicated my life to Christ. I went to my Pastor and discussed everything about me and that I had chosen to except God back into my life. I prayed a big part of the day and my Hubby came over last night to see me. It went very well. It was at his own discretion to come see me. I was loving, patient and I cuddled him to death telling him how sorry I was for hurting him. I have a long road to travel for myself to do some healing from the past, but I am on the right path now. I am going to give all my efforts in my spirtual journey. Whatever God's plan is I will accept it.<p>Thanks so much for all your replies. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Mystii,<p>I am glad that you have made this decision. I am sure your H has a lot of pain and confusion within him. I suspect you have not ever seen it before for two reasons. <p>1. You didn't expect this would hurt him so bad.<p>2. He is doing his best to protect himself.<p>If he starts to open up and let you see what is inside him, I think it will help you both. It will be hard to watch from your standpoint and it will hard for him to be so vulnerable to you.<p>You must understand if he lets you see and know how he feels, you are seeing him at his most vulnerable. Be very careful with him at this point, or the scales will tip and he will be gone.<p>I hope you have read Harley's for rules for recovery and marriage. Protection is one of them. If he is/has opened up at all, protect him Mystii.<p>Must go. Have a good weekend.<p>God Bless
JL

I am going to get one of those books today at Barnes and Nobles. Harley Books that is. I am doing everything to protect him. I tell him everyday how much I love him and want to do for him. I want to be the giver now. He gave and gave and I gave nothing. He means so much to me, he is a blessing from God. You can't find men like him anymore. I did not appreciate him and that is my own fault. I do now! I will protect him with all my body and soul. He will know he loves me for all the right reasons when he sees my changes going on. I would like to know since I have not read Harley's books yet of the best ways that people how found to protect their love when they are hurt and confused but still love you even though your the one who hurt them.

Mysti2B<p>I would recommend you buy Harley's 'His needs Her needs', 'Surviving an affair', and 'Love busters'. These books are great because they open up your eyes regarding what is happening 'under the hood' of most marriages.<p>One of the best pieces of advise that are in these books is that it is a bad idea to establish friendships with the opposite sex. It makes sense because there is always going to be a primal attraction (emotional and/or physical)between men and women that is hidden under their conscious mind. Many times we forget that just because a person is married, s/he can not stop beign attracted to members of the opposite sex. This denial of reality is akin to ignoring the truth that drinking and driving is a dangerous combination with very likely tragic consequences. <p>Granted that your act of betrayal was a one night stand fueled by alcohol with an individual (that you had flat out rejected by telling him that you were married) and granted that because there was no emotional involvement it is not as damaging as an long term emotional affair/physical affair, but by ignoring the dangerous truth of what might might occur when a married person goes out with another person that is not her/his spouse, you put your marriage in danger.<p>By establishing boundaries like no-friendship-with-members-of-the-opposite-sex you protect yourself, your husband, and your marriage.<p>Even though I am divorced and was a betrayed spouse, I feel sadness when a person such as yourself makes a mistake and is remorseful for what she did. It shows that you are good person worthy of love and deserves a second chance by her husband. I pray to God that your husband realizes this truth and does not let his pain fester and end what has the promise of beign a great marriage.<p>God bless you and your husband.<p>Joe<p>[ May 18, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>