How much info about WS A do I need to know ? I know start and end, so I push for more?

Hi,<p>Not sure who was the betrayed spouse in your case... but as for me, I wanted to know EVERYTHING that happened between my wife and the other men. <p>I've read that most women don't want to know the "gory" details, but instead focus on the emotional/feelings type questions. I know of another couple where the husband was the betrying spouse, and he told me that his wife wasn't as interested in the physical aspect of the affair as she was the emotional aspect...<p>Only you can decide what questions you need answered. If you and your spouse are seriously working toward rebuilding your marriage, then there are NO "off-limits" questions... Go ahead and ask away... your wayward spouse owes you the answers... Just be sure that you want to hear the answer, because once you hear it, there's not "taking it back"... it will then be up to YOU to deal with handling your spouses answer in a Godly manner.<p>I know that I had TONS of questions when I first found out about my wife's affairs... but rest assured, the questions do decrease, and eventually, you won't feel the need to ask as many. All of this takes time. <p>Be sure to ask your questions in a respectfull way and again, make sure that you are willing to deal with the answer in a Godly way... If you blow up and respond in an un-Godly way, then your spouse won't want to answer many more questions...<p>Take care, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Looking,<p>Well, D-day for us was in December last year. Wife had a 2-1/2 year affair with a family friend - someone who we vacationed with, had recreational hobbies together - really engrained in the fabric of our lives. We had the benefit of MB coaching to guide us through the process. Two days later, we scheduled an afternoon to go to a secluded place (a nearby park), and my wife answered all of my questions about the affair. I wanted to know everything. I especially wanted to know what needs of hers he met, because I wanted to meet them instead. The day before the event, I made up a list of questions, so that we could cover everything. My hope was that this would be the only session of Q&A. Jennifer said we should probably try to get everything out so that it wouldn't have to be revisited. Bringing it up again just reminds wife of OM, and me too, and that's not healthy. Here is the list of questions I asked my wife:<p>December 5 Questions<p>When<p>1. When did the affair start?
2. When did the affair progress to sex?
3. How often do you talk or email each other?<p>Where<p>1. Where did it occur? In chronological order, with each encounter.
2. Were there times you were together other than trips I was with you?
3. Did you have sex in our house?<p>What<p>1. This is most important to me: what emotional needs did he meet? Also, I would like to know what he met in the beginning, and whether this changed with time, especially during my change period (lets call it Plan A). And what he met in the last few weeks.
2. What were your plans together? Did OM have plans to leave his wife and marry you? Was this your thought/motivation when we were living apart?
3. Did you have protected sex? Have you been tested for STD&#8217;s?
4. Second in importance. What needs did he do an exceptional job of meeting, that you wish I could &#8220;do like him&#8221;?
5. Was the sex better, worse, why? I suspect I will take a while to get over the likely comparison.<p>Why<p>1. I know why it started. I share responsibility.
2. Why did it progress to sex &#8211; your desire or his?
3. Why did it end?
4. Should I trust you now? I have always in the past, and find the need to check your emails and voicemail unnerving, but don&#8217;t want to allow the affair to continue.<p>Who<p>1. Who knows about this, other than OM? Any of my other friends? OM&#8217;s wife? Your relatives?
2. Is OM the only one you&#8217;ve had an affair with?
3. Did our previous marriage counselor know about this? It would explain some things she asked me.<p>Overall, I want to know every detail of your relationship, in the order that it happened. Radical honesty. I will try to be attentive, capture it all, so that hopefully nothing needs to be repeated or asked twice. I don&#8217;t want to have to wonder what happened when and where. This is NOT meant to be cruel to you, but instead a part of my healing process, and need to know. Don&#8217;t hold anything back from me, whether you believe it will hurt me or not. To tell everything will allow me to put the past to rest, and not come back to it again, and let us get on with our new marriage and life together.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by persistant:
Here is the list of questions I asked my wife:<p>Wow...that is a very sharp and comprehensive list.<p>Now I want to know the answers....

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Mike C2:
<strong>[QUOTE]Wow...that is a very sharp and comprehensive list.<p>Now I want to know the answers....</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hey, are you following me today? Ok, you want the answers, look here:<p>Persistant's Monster Thread<p>Oh, too lazy to skim all 108 pages. Ok, then try my post on page 1, Dec 6, 2001, 11:14 am.<p>Yeah, I know you were kidding about wanting to know what her answers were!<p>P<p>PS. Sorry for hijacking your post there, Rebuilding. In short though, I would go for all of the answers in one sitting, and then never try to revisit it again. A lot of WS's don't like BS's bringing it up over and over again, like punishment. Also, your goal now is for both of you to forget and move on. But you need to get details out now, because your imagination is likely worse than reality at this point.

I am still finding out and I have to know everything. Specifically. I don't think that I can let go of it until I know exactly what it is I'm letting go of.<p>In the beginning, I would see it everytime I closed my eyes. I don't imagine that the truth is any prettier than my assumptions. But I need to know it.<p>I feel sick about it, like I am some warped voyeristic wife, but either I know or I will always wonder.<p>Glad I'm not alone.

thanks for that conprehensive list. If you don't mind, I will use it when we go to MC together. He doesn't want to talk about it, its an LB when I ask questions. I always ask respectfully and don't get upset, I just NEED to know so I can move on. I want to know so that there are NO secrets between us. He believes it doesn't help my recovery or his. I disagree. I know it makes him very uncomfortable, but I think he ought to love and respect me enough to be uncomfortable for a while. My thoughts are probably much worse than the reality, as I have been able to see from the times he has agreed to talk about it (grudgingly!). He has agreed to answer Q's during MC sessions, so I will wait til then (hopefully next week). Its hard to wait, tho.