Hi, here is my story, I just found out my wife had an PA for about 2 months. She was getting a need for conversation from him. I was working full time and attending night class when it happened. We have been married 5 years comming up in later this month. We don't have children and don't plan on it. What makes this so hard is that we were everything to each other, truley best friends. People say because I'm realativly young (28) and no kids I should move on. But deep down I know I will never find anyone I can be as happy with as her. We share so many common intrests, the same sense of humor, same tast in music and food. We truly love being with each other. I know there are a lot of reasons that this happened, She has self-esteem issues that are a result of her childhood, plus I can be pretty distant sometimes. But, I still just can't belive it. I never thought she was the type of person that would do such a thing.
She has cut off all contact with the OM and agreed to have all our phone numbers changed. She sent him a letter cutting off all ties and let me mail the letter. But I just can't get over this. I am finding it very hard not to keep asking her why? The A dominates my mind thoughout the day. I find it hard that I have to keep trying to win her back, when I think she should be trying to win me back. <p>It has been two weeks since I found out and it ended. Things were getting better this weekend, but then sun. night I had a moment of anger and got mad and insulted her. It destroyed all the progress we had made. Now she tells me she still has feelings for him. I really don't know how to deal with this. I love her so much that the thought of being with someone else is laughable, how could she still have feelings for him? It's funny but this guy is all wrong for her, and she knows that. He is nothing like her, but she gets offended whenever I bring up those points, which I do because of my own insecurity.<p>I just what her, to hate him as I do, because he does so many things that we both hate. My wife hates smoking, and gets mad when she thinks about me smoking when I was in college, even though I barely did it. She hates everything about ciggarette smoke. Yet, this guy is a smoker and she is willing to look past that to be with him. How can this be? Plus we are big anti gun people and animal lovers, and this guy is a gun owner and a hunter. I just don't understand what she see's in him. She say's she doesn't either, but still has feelings for him.<p>I don't think I will ever understand this, and it is very hard to move on and be the bigger person. I just wish it never happened. I love her more than anything in the world, but this is just so hard.<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: Justin208 ]</p>

Why did she do it? If she was honest with you she would tell you the following answers. (1) because she wanted to do it with another guy to see what she was missing (2) she always wanted to have an affair to see what it was all about (3) she liked the excitement of having to sneak around (4) she decided to go for it when the opportunity was given to her(5) she was always secretly turned on by the macho type of guy who likes to hunt (6) she is bored with marriage and was looking for excitement (7) she was hoping to meet her true love to take her away.<p>There may be other answers that I may not have thought of . The point is that you should not accept her back into the marriage unless she can explain WHY and give you some kind of gurantee that it won't happen again. The guarantee can be something that she treasures a lot which she would loose if there was a reoccurence. I would recommend marriage counselling for both of you. Writing a NC letter will not fix your marriage. You need to understand what she was thinking when she went into this affair. You need to understand why she was unhappy or bored etc. I don't believe self esteem makes someone commit immoral acts. I believe that there is a character flaw that makes that person susceptible to committing infidelity. Hopefully your wife will be sincere in wanting rebuild her marriage and earn back your trust. Don't accept anything less than a healthy marriage.

Ooh, it's always freakin' WEIRD when they end up with someone who is SO FAR off from what you had.
It's almost like they become a different person. <p>I can't stand thinking about OM's. I've only had to deal with them in relationships with gf's, but nevertheless, it sucks. One time I was confiding with my dad about this guy an ex-fiancee hooked up with. I said, "but god, dad, this guy is such an [censored]!". Dad said, "they all are!"<p>I guess this is where the term "estranged" comes from. I think it is so sad how you can love someone and know them better than anyone else, and then, bam! You run into them in a store or something and they seem so...strange.<p>There's nothing I love better, conversely, than when I run into someone I haven't seen in ages and they haven't changed in attitude at all.<p>There's too much change in this world. Can't some things stay the same?

Justin,<p>I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you but you are in the right place. Many here have similar experiences and some are more difficult to handle than others. Based upon your description, I think you have an excellent chance of restoring your M back to where it was, and probably better. You are in pain right now, and you need to get some knowledge. I believe in the MB principles that Dr. Harley provides, and if you haven't done it already, get the book Surviving An Affar (SAA). Also get His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters. All of them are available on this site. <p>They will help you through this time and will prepare you for making your marriage "Affair Proof" at least that's what the title of HNHN suggests. <p>Since your W has already broken off ties to the OM, you are ahead of many of us here. Take advantage of that because you don't want to blow that. I found it interesting that when you got mad, that she told you she still had feelings. You have the potential to drive her away from you, or pull her closer the choice is yours. Your actions will dictate which it is. Dr. Harley calls the things we do that drive them away as Love Busters because they couse your S to fall out of love if you do them.<p>So please get some books, read all you can from this web site, and don't overreact until you know what you are doing. I know you are in pain, but you can make the situation worse if you start LB'ing all over the place.<p>Best wishes.

Justin,<p>First thing you do is go get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Harley, read it. Then get His needs her needs also by Harley and read it. You can read SAA in about two nights.<p>Do this before you have any more discussions with your W. Go to this site and read about Plan A and Plan B. I don't want to seem harsh with you, but you sound very immature, because your judgements of the OM are very simpleminded and reflect that you haven't figured out what has happened.<p>People don't have affairs or marry because of habits, they do it inspite of the habits. You haven't met her needs and she went elsewhere. Until she understands why she went elsewhere rather than work on the marriage, there is little chance of a full recovery.<p>You are only two weeks into this. It will take months for you to heal from this and a year or two to heal your marriage, IF your W decides she wants to work on the marriage. <p>Justin this is tough stuff, but trying to educate your W about why the OM was bad for her is foolish and counter productive. She will just defend him in her mind if not directly to you. Cut out the LB's, work on meeting her needs, read and read some more, and give it time.<p>If you can find a pro-marriage counselor definitely go, or call the Harley's. The point is that counseling can help.<p>Justin realize this: the condition of your marriage was at least partially your fault, the choice to have an affair was ALL your W's fault.<p>You will be the one to rebuild the marriage for awhile until she goes through withdrawal from this man. She is clearly in withdrawal now, because she misses him. Don't talk about him, it just brings him back into her mind, and probably forces her to defend herself. There is no defense for what she has done, but there are reasons.<p>Find out those reasons. hang in there.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thanks for all the help. I just got SAA yesterday and finished it that day. What a great book. It's funny how a book can change my whole outlook on this.<p>I think we are both willing to work this out. So, I hope I can get her into Dr. Harley's principles. I think she will go along.<p>All I can change is me, so I will work on that.

It isn't easy, but know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.<p>I am 25 and have gotten all of the your so young, you have a life ahead of you and why don't you just move on bull too. I stand by the vows I made on 2/17/96, plain and simple. I really got it from my mother yesterday, especailly now that her name for my H is "bubba". I told her flat out that she needed to accept the fact that I love this man and that we could get back together one day and that I am not giving up, he is and will always at least be my friend. <p>I found out about my H's EA with a person who used to be a very close friend of mine in February. I don't think it is a sign of immaturaty that you can't see what she see's in the other person. I knew this girl very well, and I still ask that question. I want to know what it is that she had that I didn't that made him want to be with her, so that I can develop those traits. She obviously was meeting some needs that I wasn't.<p>Keep your head up, the memories will eventually start to fade with time. Keep the positive things your W says to you in the for front of your mind and try not to dwell on the hurtful things she says. It will just drive you crazy if you do. Do what you think best for you based on the knowledge you have gained from reading SAA and not what others who haven't been there think is best for you.<p>It isn't going to be easy at times, but hopefully the for knowledge of what you gained in SAA will let you be prepared for the road ahead.

I'm sure I need not tell you that things might never be the same for both of you. The fact is there are no children in your marriage; they are generally the glue that holds everything together and yet not all the time. Your wife seeking a PA from another means there were very deep differences between you. If you think that this will pass you are fooling yourself. I see it as a warning sign that unless you both see a MC and truly commit she is destined to a repeat performance. This I know from experience.
You need to know the TRUE reasons and understand them. The question you must ask yourself is how does she restore your trust or will you think she is with another if not with you. Find the best MC and start working with "radical honesty". It will take a long time, but why no children? are they not the reason for Marriage" just a thought. You were given a "wake up call" use it.