Hi all... I am new to this board but glad I found it because I need help. I just got back from a business trip, and a close friend of my husband's and mine also went on the trip (we work together). This man and I spent a lot of time together on the trip, and we ended up having several pretty deep discussions about our lives and our marriages... we confided a lot in each other. Well, towards the end of the week, I started feeling attracted to him, and I think he felt the same towards me, and we ended up flirting with each other the rest of the trip. Nothing else happened, that's as far as it went. <P>Now that I am home, I feel wretched. I love mt husband dearly, and we are really trying to make our marriage great, though we've had a rocky road. I do not believe in affairs, I am completely committed to my husband, and I never thought I would have to deal with this sort of thing. But now that I am, what do I do? Do I tell my husband what happened and risk damage to our marriage, our business, and his friendship with this man? Do I talk to the "other man" about this (we never discussed our flirting or anything) and tell him that this cannot continue, or will that just magnify the situation and make it harder to stay away? Or should I just keep my distance from him, not tell my husband about the flirting, but talk to my husband about what we need to fix in our marriage? I'm so scared and I do not want to have an affair...I want to do the right thing. Help me please!

welcome diana! we are gald you here. first of all- read everything on this forum, possibly ordering some books- his needs, her needs, maybe some counseling ( geez, if the holidays weren't busy enough!!!).. and stick around. look under some others posts.<BR>you stopped it, but you saw what could've happened..good!!!!!<BR>yes, i would be honest with your H and make sure he understands your worries!!! maybe you could download the emotional needs quiz and take it together.<BR>just, please stick around..you know already, your marriage is worth it.<BR>

You have courage and commitment to your marriage -- take a lot of pride in that and please stick with that.<P>If you truly do love your husband, bring him into this now. As a husband, I'd say to you that it doesn't matter who the man was that you were attracted to. I'd just tell your husband that you are concerned because although you love him dearly, you found youself attracted to another man on the business trip and didn't like that feeling relative to your marriage. Tell him that your love for him is pure, but that if you were attracted to this man then something needs to be addressed and although you don't think the marriage is in trouble at this point, anything could happen if the two of you together do not address what these issues might be. Then tell him about marriagebuilders.com, and get him to go through the questionaire with you -- that thing really helps identify the issues and promotes discussion (sometimes painful, but always necessary and helpful in the long-run). <P>As a man, be aware that he may not understand and have a rather "male" reaction to his wife being attracted to another man. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS JUST HORMONES DOING THEIR THING, AND NOT YOU HUSBAND REACTING TO YOU. He'll probably try to find out who it was, but I wouldn't give him that as what's important is that nothing happend at all and that you went right to your husband. Just tell him that it was someone nice also in the same business location as your trip.<P>Now, you need to DECIDE that your marriage is everything, and that any desire for this other man will die immediately. Even if the feelings are there, you tell the other man that you were scared because you had these feelings, and that you've told your husband. Men don't like it when husbands know that they are after their wives. He'll likely stop on his own once you tell him this. Then you must mean it, try to stay away at all costs, and no matter how bad the desire gets say no, stay the H*ll away, and tell your husband.<P>If your husband really loves you as I'm sure he does, after he gets over the hormone thing he'll probable defend his marriage by trying to work with you on it and romance you like never before. That sure is what I'm doing with my wife.<P>All the best

Diana,<P>SamH pretty much said it all. The only thing I would add is that you should consider yourself VERY lucky that you came here now. As you read some of the message threads you will recognize many examples of affairs that started just the way you described - friendship -> attraction -> flirtation -> etc. Take special note of the painful consequences described in those messages.<P>Most of us (betrayers and betrayed) came here AFTER the incalculable damage to the marriage was already done. <P>Boy, if there was ever a case on the MB board of "an ounce of prevention being better than a pound of cure" this is it! Count your blessings!

Great job for showing restraint and for finding help!<P>If you choose to tell your H, great, for many reasons it may be the way to go.<P>However, if you do tell him immediately he will be hurt and angry, only you know his personality, but he'll need reassurance and patience because he will have legitimate pain.<P>If this would distract you from getting your head on straight, then I'd think about the timing. If you used a bit of time to read, think, pray...whatever it takes, then told your H and also told him that it wouldn't happen again and these are the steps you have taken to assure that it would not, then maybe a few days or week or whatever to get yourself together is appropriapriate. If there is any chance of contact with the OM, then tell your H now...the additional constraint will ensure you do not continue down a path you will regret.<P>Never talk to any man about anything personal like your marriage again...and don't listen to a man's problems either. This is how affairs can start. You know that.<P>Glad you are here.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

<BR>DianaPrince,<P>You are incredibly fortunate to have caught a developing affair (and that's what this was) before it blossomed. Treat this as a wakeup call for your marriage, because that's what I think it was. Obviously, your husband isn't meeting some of your needs, and that's why you found yourself drawn to this OM. But in times of marital stress, turn towards your spouse, never away.<P>Your husband deserves to know what happened, and who the OM is. He'll probably be angry, but the fact is, you didn't have an emotional affair in my opinion and you clearly recognized when to pull the plug. What you did is very forgiveable, but whatever you do lay down some rules of behavior that will prevent any contact with the OM from becoming an affair. He may not have the same sense of wretechedness that you do, and may start actively persuing you. Do not fall into an affair!<P>Bystander

DianaPrince<P>Glad to see you come to this site. First of all, the feelings that you have for the OM are a natural reaction to someone who meets some of your important emotional needs. I believe everyone will be attracted to someone other that their S at some point in their life. My W and I have talked about this quite a bit lately. She has felt these feelings for someone else a couple of times since we have been married. She did the right thing and removed herself from the situation totaly. She told me about them and I understood because I have been there also. She has always been faithful and honest to me.<P>I, on the other hand, walked away from "situations" during our entire marriage of 22 years until this past summer. All of the people who have replied to your post are giving you good advice. Tell your husband, end it, and try as best as you can to remove yourself from the other person. If this goes any further, take my word for it, it will be the biggest mistake that you will ever make.<P>I commend you for seeing this for what it is. You do not have to end up in the bedroom to have an affair. If you do anything that you don't want your H to know about, you are already there. Good luck to you and keep us posted.<P>