My husband and I have been married for a year now, both in our 30s and mature. Overall, we have a very good relatioship. One thing that really bothers me is that in the last 4 months I have caught him out twice hiding things from me. The first time he hid softporn books from me and I found them in his bag, and recently he hid smokes from me though he insisted he quit. I am not mad at the fact that he wanted to look at the books or start smoking again, but the fact that he intentionally deceived me. We promised to be open about everything so I am confused why he is trying to hide things from me. I have not belittled him for enjoying a little of porn (he is not obssessed with it) nor have I chided him smoking. Does the guy need more privacy and is this a normal thing, or should I be suspicious of his behavior and he is going to become a habitual lying cheat? The thing is he is wonderful, has a good heart and treats me like gold. We communicate well and the trust is pretty much intact. He says he is completely comfortble with me, he just didn't want to "create a scene." I am just surprized by his actions of late. Does anyone have advice so I can see some balance in this? Guys input would be appreciated too.

HappyAngel<p>Hmm, sounds like me after I got married. My W and I talked about EVERYTHING imaginable before we got married, then, afterwards, I suddenly found myself being more private and secretive. I didn't want to rock the boat. In some strange way I felt I had to stay the same person that I was on the day that we got married, so if I decided to pick-up smoking again, or view a little porn, I was always trying to do it on the sly, even though we had discussed those things prior to the marriage. I guess I felt that I had more to lose being married so I was more cautious and afraid to share. You are right though, it's not a good feeling to find your mate sneaking around or hiding things from you, no matter how small it is. My W was like you, she really didn't care about WHAT I was doing, it was the HIDING that got to her. Perhpas you need to sit down and talk to your H about why he feels he cannot tell you these things. If you are providing a "safe" environment for him to share in (no "scenes", emotional or angry outbursts and reactions) then he should be able to tell you about anything that he wishes to do and share it with you. I don't know what it is about being married that makes a mental shift in some people's minds on how to relate to their partner, but it does happen. Talk to your H about it and see what happens from there. If you still see a pattern of secretiveness and hiding, then there is probably a bigger personal issue within him that he needs to resolve. For me, I found out through counseling that I had developed my hiding and lying habits (and it is a habit) from years and years of emotional and physical abuse from my mother. I was so terrified of her reactions that I learned to lie, cheat, and hide very well. I got so used to lying that even when I told the truth it was altered! I don't know if he has that kind of issue, but again, if you see a continued pattern of this behavior, it may have to be looked at professionally. Until then though, try the heart-to-heart talk and see if it makes him feel more relaxed and comfortable in sharing openly with you. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</p>