After 16 years of marriage and one 9 year old daughter, my husband decided to have an affair. It's almost as if he wanted to get caught because he started coming home at the wee hours of the morning. After the second late night I confronted him and he admitted to an affair. It seems that there are feelings involved or more like infactuation.He said that our marriage lost it's intimacy - not the way to bring it back. Although clearly I've had to repent for the Lord has shown me many things that I didn't do as a wife. He's been living at his mother's house for 5 days trying to sort out what he wants to do. I have not seen him but I've spoken to him. He knows I love him, knows I want to give this another chance but given his actions it looks like he is still seeing this woman. The latest he told me he loved me but wasn't sure if he was in love with me. We've been Christians for four years so this was the last thing I expected. He hasn't been reading his Bible much anymore. My daughter is devastated although I've not told her anything yet hoping that he'll come back and we'll work it out. All of our friends have suggested to my husband that we go to counseling and that with the Lord's help this could work, but since he doesn't know if he is "in love" with me he's not sure what to do. In my opinion, that "in love" business is just an excuse for continuing to have this affair because it feels good so why not. I'm so hurting but yet so much in love with him. I'm so confused but I have faith. I just question if I should give him a deadline by when he will need to come home otherwise it's over. What should I do?<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: pain and faith ]</p>

Pain and Faith<p>From what I have read here in the forum and in Plan A, do not give an ultimatum at this time. You will only give your H another reason not to come back. In his confused state it will seem easier to him to just go to the OW and that's not what you want. Read up on Plan A and read WAT's Guide For Betrayed Spouses http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940. <p>Go to the Welcome New Members Page http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000553 for more links and info on how to attack this situation properly.<p>You are very hurt and angry and your son is in pain too, so you are in an emotional storm within yourself. As hard as it is, the Betrayed Spouse actually has to make the initial efforts at showing the WS that they are willing to meet THEIR needs. You are actually going to try and show your H that you are WORTH coming home to. Remember, he is in a fog over the A and isn't thinking straight right now. The lure of his infatuation and the fantasy world that most A's create is an attractive illusion that is hard to break. It will take time for him to see reality. Don't worry about the "I'm not IN LOVE with you" routine. Completely normal banter from the betrayer, and as you said, another excuse for the A. Ignore it. Actually, reaffirm your love for him! Plan A helps you do that. So read up and take positive action! Don't do anything rash at this point! Good Luck and God Bless<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</p>

[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I too have just found out that my H had ran a personal ad on the internet: "Married,but looking". I have been crushed, hurt, felt guilty (he blames me for not being passionate enough, 'you dont greet me they way you did when we first met', 6 years ago) It has been three weeks now. He had been corresponding over the internet with a woman in another state so this is in not way like your situation, but I intercepted their emails and their conversations torn my heart out.<p>I pray and search the scriptures. The Lord has told me that a believing wife should not leave an unbelieving husband, but if he chooses to leave not to stop him. He wants to keep me, and is truly trying, but the betrayal I feel is rough. I have been treated for Clinical Depression is 1993 (recovering alcoholic) but I also suffer from anxiety attachs. It's the pits, huh?<p>Remember Gods timing, not ours. And when we take our problems to God, we have to leave them there and not take them with us when we get off our needs. He will not leave us. He is carring us.<p>I'll be here if you need a friend. You are in my prayers.<p>Darla

I know it's hard, and easier said than done, but keep your head up. You will survive, and it's ok to be a little depressed right now. If you haven't already, seek counseling for yourself. You may feel like God has forgotten you, but he hasn't. You are about to be going on a journey of self discovery too, so be a little excited about that. I have discovered things within that I didn't even know existed. I just listed 31 of them in my journal, which has been my unloading block through this. That's another thing I suggest, get a journal and unlash all the anger, pain, and everything else on it, so that you don't unlash them on your H and cause major LB's. You will get through this, remember, the Lord does not give to us more than we can handle.<p>Best of luck, and keep in touch, this board has helped me tremendously!

Thank you everyone. Your words of encouragement truly helped. I have my good days and my bad days. Today started off as a good day but it's turning into a bad day. I guess the main reason is that I'm tired of waiting. My husband is still at his mother's house. I know that he is still seeing the OW but I still want to love him and help this marriage to work out. I have not been fighting with him but we've been doing lots of talking - as he said, it's like we are building the friendship again. However, I'm ready for him to come home and he says he can't do that yet. He said he is trying to find himself. My daughter still believe he is at his mothers house because he's taking care of his mother but I don't know how long this can go on nor do I know how much longer can I take. I want him home so much and God has truly helped me to put the past behind me but I'm ready to move forward and he is still "finding himself". This will be the 9th day since he hasn't slept in his house. People, please keep us in prayer. Pray that this relationship with the OW would end and he would come home.<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: pain and faith ]<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: pain and faith ]</p>

I know what you are going through. I too am going through the ups and downs. My H moved out April 26th little over 3 weeks and it feels like eternity. Why is it that they feel they need to go elsewhere instead of talking their feelings and thoughts with their spouse. I love my H more than anything, but he too says we no longer have the same intimacy.<p>I don't have the answers, but I do know in my situation, the more you pull away, the more they come forward.

I haven't posted for a long time, but your story went straight to my heart. I just wanted to say to hang in there and don't stop praying! You can see my story summary below that we have a few things in common. Please know that God is awesome and we now have a story book marriage. I was truely not a very good wife, but God pointed out my flaws and when I had my life back together, He brought my husband back to me. Our marriage is so incredible now! I wish I knew a long time ago that it could be this great!<p>I'll be praying for you too! Hang in there!<p>Le

Thanks again everyone. Deelam, I will tell you this that I was not the best wife and I lacked in the intimacy. But I had been praying for a long time for God to make me the Proverbs wife and he has used this situation to make me that. At this point, I praise God for what he has revealed to me and I have faith the my husband will come home eventually when God awakens him. Right now he can't seem to see straight and I know that is not of God. So in the interim, I'm spending my time getting closer to God, looking for his direction and preparing myself to be that awesome Proverbs wife for when my husband comes home. The waiting is driving me crazy but I'm trying to give him the space he claims he needs. It was encouraging to hear you say that the more you pull away the more they come forward. This site has helped me immensely, I only wish I had found it before my marriage got to this point.

Moving Forward, thanks so much. You have no idea how much you've encouraged me. I'm so glad to see that you are on the way to recovery for that's how God would want it. I hope it doesn't take my husband and I 10 months but only God knows that and I have to trust him. God is answering my prayers by finally making me that Proverbs wife I so desired to be. I have a new strength within me today and I know that is only God because I finally gave it to him yesterday because I finally came to the realization that I cannot fix this, only God can open my husband's eyes and lead him back home. So in the interim, although many of my husband's actions are telling me that there is no hope, I refuse to believe that lie from the devil and I'm pushing forward knowing that with God all things are possible and that his time is not my time so I just have to wait on him and keep praying. Thanks so much for posting and I pray that you and your husband continue to move forward. Praise God.

Well it's day 66 since my husband left home. It's been a roller coaster ride. Everytime I felt a breakthrough coming something would happen to him and the brakes would come on. I feel another breakthrough coming and I'm praying this one through. The OW doesn't want to let go. He has tried to break things off with her. Today he let her have it after I spoke with him and explained to him that the OW is just trying to control him and in the midst of doing so she is putting you down. I can't believe some of the things she thought she could say to him. She said things to him that as his wife of 16 years I would never say. I'm just praying that he'll be strong because he doesn't need that and I'm just home waiting to love him and show him what an awesome wife he now has because of this ordeal. I've really grown in these 66 days thanks to my Lord Jesus. He has done surgery in me and as painful as it was - it was great because of the outcome. So I'm praying for him to be strong and stay away from her and that he will come home soon.

Talk about a roller coster ride. Monday he's telling me he is leaving this woman once and for all. Tuesday he is back with her. Tuesday night I tell him that his actions tell me he wishes to stay with this woman and if that's the case then he will have to begin providing me with child support and help in paying our credit bills. That seems to jolt him. Wedneday morning he calls me and tells me he is going to end the relationship. He said he was ready the Surviving an Affair book and realized this really is an addiction. He said he's going to get his bike and break it off. He even said he would write her a letter stating it was over so that we could mail it. Wednesday evening he is cold to me over the phone and when I asked if he ended the affair he hesitated and said yes but that doesn't mean I'm coming home to you. I knew he had not ended anything. He did a complete 360 and I told him that he has no control over his emotions because she has control over him. I'm in so much pain right now. I can't believe what a week this has been - what a roller coaster ride. I don't know what to do now. I clearly have to stay away from him because I can't take any more pain. He keeps telling me that he is not going to give me the amount of money I've asked for because otherwise he can't survive. I want my husband back, not the money but I have to be realistic that until the time comes when he wakes out of this fog, I have to make sure I can pay our bills and take care of our child. What do I do? I've been on Plan A for 69 days. It hasn't been easy doing Plan A with him not living with me - he's at his mother's house. I know it's in God's hands but I need some wisdom as to what should I do next.

Just got a call this morning and he said he did break it off with her last night and that it wasn't easy. He said he was wondering if he could come over and spend a weekend. I was at the point of tears so I couldn't talk to him and told him that I can't talk about this now. Do I say yes to a weekend? What's the purpose of a weekend - I almost feel like it's a test. Too many ups and downs in one week - I love him so much but I'm at a lost right now. I'm afraid to say yes to a weekend and risk being hurt yet again. What does that say about my faith? Someone please respond to me.

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: pain and faith ]</small>

Is there anybody out there to respond to my postings. I want off this rollercoaster. One day he is leaving her and wants to come home, the next day he doesn't know what he wants. He claims he needs time alone away from her and me to make up his mind but it's 73 days now since he left the house. We had a nice time Saturday all together as a family but I have the feeling he was out with her on Sunday evening. What to do?

Hi P&F,

I don't have any specific answers for you but wanted to bump your thread up...

I know that there are some people here that can offer some help....

Semper Fi,
RIF90

P&F, I have just been reading through your postings. I can't offer much as I was your husband or certainly behaved like him. All I can tell you is that were it not for my W's strenght and persistance we would have gone our seperate ways. As has been said on this site, you cannot end an A, your husband has to. My W was there for me and went to Plan A, what I found was a woman who showed me that it can work and in some ways made me embarassed that she was doing all the work. I was compelled to try as well and from that we started counselling. Things for us are rocky at times but we carry on trying and that is what you must do. Good Luck.

Thanks for your postings. Initdeep, you say your wife hung in there and that's why you are still together today. Did you finally decide to end the affair and can you pinpoint one thing that your wife did that really made you come to your senses? For me it has been almost 2 months of I'm ending it with her and wanting to come home. The last time which was last week was the most sincere. By afternoon he was in a quandry over his feelings. This was, of course, after speaking with her. Then he comes over last Thursday, takes a credit card that we have not been using and said he needs one for emergencies. This was the day after he was so called ending it and coming home to me. Then I find out that he used that credit card to take her to a hotel on Friday. Yet I can't tell him I know that because then he'll be upset at how I found out. So many obstacles. I love him dearly but I can't continue to take the pain of him hurting me over and over. Today is day 80 since he left the house to live with his mother.

Hello pain & faith -- While I am certainly not out of the woods, I think I can give you some perspective to keep hanging in there if you have any love left for your WH.

What you are experiencing with the back and forth is typical. My WH did not truly end it with the OW until about 4 and a half months post d-day and they still have some contact at work. Since that time, my WH has come in and out of the fog about our relationship and what he wants to do.

Shortly after D-Day I gave myself six months to try and do a really good plan A. The first two months I definitely did not do a very good plan A -- it was about 50% of the time that I could pull it off. Now that I am at the six month mark, I have given myself a bit more time for a couple of reasons: a) my WH is very confused about everything in his life, b) I still have some love left, and c) When I look back over the last few months I know that things have improved.

It has been the most difficult thing I have ever done trying to implement a good plan A. By a good plan A I mean: a) really taking a look at and implementing improvements to myself, b) looking hard at what I contributed to the demise of my marriage and try not to fall into those habits again (being critical, waning desire for SF, etc), and c) thinking about what my life would be like without my WH. I am a more positive person and have reconnected with some female friends. I am doing many of the things that I let slide during my marriage that I know I enjoyed and my WH missed -- running, hiking, taking more risks

My WH has noticed the changes in me -- he commented on them this weekend. He is still confused and hesitant and some times I feel like throwing in the towel and think why in the world do I want this lunk back in my life.

80 days seems like a long time for you I know. I try and keep the perspective that it took a long time to get to this place in my marriage and what's one more week or month of trying to make this work in the scheme of my life and marriage.

Keep trying. You can be strong. You have made it 80 days and that is an accomplishment.

Unsureheart thanks for your posting. It truly is amazing how confused they are but like you I don't want to let go because I still love him and because I keep seeing these little sign posts of hope. So I just keep praying that soon he will leave this woman for good and that he will return to his senses. It's as if they are temporarily insane. I asked my husband if he gave any thought that maybe he was going through a mid life crisis. He said, maybe I am. I lent him the Surviving An Affair book and he started to read it. He even told me that he realized the affair is an addiction but just like an addict - he keeps going back for more. I also lent him the his needs/her needs audio cassette and he thought they were great so I see all of that as signs that he wants to fix the marriage but he just hasn't been strong enough to end the affair. The business your husband said about not loving you or being attracted to you is garbage. That's the confusion talking. I keep having to remind myself not to take to heart to much of what my husband says while he's in this fog. I'll pray for you too so that your husband will wake up.

Pain and Faith, I am sorry for the late response. You asked if there was an action from my wife that made me change and I can say yes. We had been talking this through for a long time(3 weeks) and I was getting bored. Then one night my wife just said to me, if I wanted to leave I must go. She told me she had arranged her life and I was surplus to her requirements. She wasn't joking. For the first time I realised that I was about to loose my children, and the life that I had known for 7.5 years. Suddenly it was my decision as to what course my life took. I had been hoping she would throw me out, no decision from me, hence her fault. But now it was my decision and I would not be able to blame her for anything,I had an affair,I left my wife and children and I was wholy responsible. More than anything else that changed my mind, I asked for a few days to think, and she was very good but cool during those days. She didn't ask me anything, but waited for me to go to her.I dont know if this will be of any use but I hope if nothing else it will give you something to read for a few minutes.
Regards

Initdeep thanks for your response. Well my husband is not home with me - he's with his mom but over a week or two ago I finally said to him that I could no longer continue this way and that although he couldn't make a decision that his actions were speaking clearly that he wanted this woman over me and his daughter. That seemed to trigger something and the next day he called me saying he wanted to return home and that he loved me. He left me several messages at work singing love songs to me and all. I really thought okay, this is it, he's coming home. He called to end it with the OW, was going to e-mail me a letter ending it that I could send to the OW and by the afternoon after hearing from the OW he said his feelings were still in a quandry and now we are back at this stalemate. Yesterday I gave him a card suggesting that we start counseling with Dr. Harley since it's clear that in his heart he wants to come home but is unable to depart from this OW. I explained how Dr. Harley can help him understand what he's feeling, how to end it and what to expect and he can help us put a recovery plan together. Well I have not heard from him yet. I'm thinking that since I said that was it, he then wanted to come home, then changed his mind and I'm still talking to him that maybe he thinks I really will not move on and so he can have his cake and eat it to. What should I do next? I think it's time to give him the impression that I moving on. Yesterday I was so disgusted that I mentioned to him I was thinking of selling the house because it really needed a man's touch. He sounded really down when I said that and next thing I knew he was over the house cutting the grass. This tells me he doesn't really want to lose what we have but he is still asleep.

Pain and Faith, the only thing you can be sure of is, if you can see him in the garden, he is not with the OW. Without contact the A cannot continue so while you cannot stop him, if he is around you then the ties are breaking. I am glad you have shown him that life has not ended for you. Even though you may be feeling that way, it is not the case as you have reasons to go on. The realisation that you can live without him sounds like it is beginning to sink in. If he wasnts to leave then he will do so, but you have made it his choice. As I said earlier, this was the kick I needed. We still have good days and bad days, although at the moment the good outnumber the bad. We are planning an hoilday to the USA in December, and this is a big step. A month ago I would not plan the next day as I had no idea what I wanted. The fixed plan means that I have something to work towards and I still find that hard work is the best distraction. Hopefully your H will get to the stage where he no longer wants the contact with the OW. I am still fighting the habbit of wanting to do something when I am not busy, but dont have the urge to speak to her.
Regards