Well when I told him last week that I had to move on without him it seem to wake him up temporarily. But after the I'm leaving her and coming home and then no I'm not coming home, he is still with his mother and seeing the OW but still calling me and not always to speak to his daughter. So I'm thinking that I now have to show him that I'm moving on and not be so easily available to him as I have been. I gave him a card yesterday suggesting counseling with Dr. Harley and I have not heard from him. At this point I am not going to bring up counseling anymore or marriage restoration. If he doesn't say anything about the counseling then I will just back away and tell him that clearly he doesn't want to restore our relationship so I'm going to move on and show him that I really am planning to move one. Sounds right?

Pain and Faith, if I am out of line here tell me. I have been reading through your posts again and I see something that got me thinking. Plan A is all about Self Improvement/ Realising Self Worth. From what I have read you have been on Plan A, but it looks to me that you have been doing it for you H.?? I would say that you do not want to show your H that you are ready to move on, you MUST be ready to move on, you are merely informing him of your activities. When my W told me I could go if I wanted, what she was really saying was, I dont need you to continue. I sense that you are saying things to your H that you are not convinced of in your own mind, is this the case?
Good luck and regards

Initdeep, thanks for checking in. Yes there's been lots of self-improvement and self-worth and also showing lots of love to hubby. Staying away from the LBs etcetera. In all honesty no I am not ready to move on without my husband. However, since yesterday I feel a new sense of strength and self worth that I'm not really consumed with this situation nor my husband. Moving on to me means that you are ready to pick up and say good-bye. No, I'm not ready for that. However, I'm ready to continue to live my life day to day right now without thinking about talking to him and the what if's. As a matter of factly, since yesterday I actually don't have any desire to speak to him and I know that's only God who has done this. At this point I know that as much as I love my hubby, it's his lost if he loses me and I would say that I'm almost at that point of moving on but in the interim, it will be perceived by him as I am ready to do so. That's my plan for now. Last week I was so angry at him that I told him I was moving on but I really wasn't ready. Like I said, it scared him and he said he was coming home but after speaking to the OW the fog set in again.

SoI'm still in Plan A trying to do it the best I can. Some of it's hard since hubby isn't living with me. But he is still seeing OW and so I wonder, how long do I continue in plan A if he is still seein OW. Even though I don't call him, he calls me everyday at work so I take that as a good sign. Today he called and said he spoke to an old friend of ours whom he hadn't spoken to in a long time. He said they had a good chat so I asked him if he told him about his situation and he said, what situation and I said, that you left your family. Well he got upset and said I didn't call you for that and I responded by saying I only asked you if you told your friend what's going on with us but if you were convicted by that then that's something you need to deal with. It seems that he has not told anybody about his leaving his family so he is clearly ashamed. He's coming by tomorrow but I will leave once he arrives and he can stay with his daughter. So when do you know it's time for Plan B? I see signs of lots of hope but he is still with the OW which is why I'm questioning when do you move to Plan B? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

So I just had it out with my hubby because I got confirmation that yesterday when he didn't come see his daughter it was because he did go to see the OW. I told him that he should not let anyone come before his daughter and that I'm not going to allow him to play with my daughters feelings. He said why do you want to fight with me and I told him I didn't want to fight but that I'm tired of him allowing this OW to come between his family. He had the nerve to say that he has not done anything to cause me grief. Could you believe that. I told him that everytime he slept with this other woman, every time he caressed her breast that he caused me grief. I told him that although he is living like he is single he is not and he knows that what's he's doing is wrong otherwise he would tell people that he is no longer with me. I told him that he has convinced himself that he's not doing anything wrong so I told him to picture in his mind everything he has done with this woman and instead see me in his mind with another man then tell me if you are not doing something wrong. He said, I get the picture. Then I told him how could he have used the credit card he just took from our house, which was suppose to be for emergencies and go to a hotel the day after he got the card. Would you believe he tried to get me to believe that he just went to the hotel because it was late and he didn't want to drive home at that time. I can't believe he wanted me to believe that espcially when the hotel was in the same town where the OW lives. That's it, I'm going to tell him tomorrow when he comes by not to call me at work anymore and just to leave me alone. He's nuts and I don't need any more of this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Pain and Faith. You poor thing, I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I think this man needs a lesson in manners, I know I have no room to talk as I have done some awful things in my time. I hope however that I have never put anyone before my children, and I pray that I have never intentionally hurt my W. I cannot say whether it is time for Plan B or not, but you need to do something to stop the pain and suffering that this man is causing. I have never supported violence and I'm not advising it now, but he could do with a good kick in the ...... .
In times of stress, my remedy is to run a steaming bath and lie there with only my nose and mouth out. The heat causes all the blood vessels to dilate which lowers your blood pressure. I lay there for 1 and 3/4 hours last night. I felt like a prune when I got out. Try it. No music, no lights no iterferance. Good luck and in you need to chat we are here.
Regards

Well I tell you God is good. It looks like that talk I had with him Friday night when I let it all out made him do some thinking. In addition, the OW fought with him again, which as I understand it, that's an every day occurance. In any event he called me Saturday morning and said that we need to talk. Then he called back to ask if our daughter was up already because he wanted to give her the good news that he was coming home. He came home on Saturday. We had a great time Saturday and we were doing pretty good Sunday until the OW called on his cell phone and I picked up. When I asked her to stop calling my husband that it was over between them she kept telling me that she didn't want to speak to me but my husband. I said to her, what part did you not understand, it's over and you will not be speaking to my husband so give it up. I then told my hubby and told him that he needed to call her in front of me and tell her the same. Well just when he was about to do that she called again. He's trying to be diplomatic with her because she seems unstable and does not want to push her over the edge so that she doesn't do something to cause more problems for us or his job (they don't work together - thank God). He kept telling her that he is staying with his family and to please respect his wishes and not call him anymore. You should have her her screaming at the top of her lungs and crying. She tried to convince him to at least come to see her. Well I know the God that I serve and I know that he will deal with her. My husband told her he wishes her the best and is sorry for all the pain and aggravation he has caused her but that he was staying with his family. She told him you know it will not work, you know your wife cannot satisfy you that way that I can. My husband said, well I believe it will work so please leave me along. So now we are into a new chapter - getting rid of the OW but I'm so glad my hubby is home. I'll keep everyone posted. For those of you out there who are still waiting - put your faith in God and watch him work miracles. Hubby and I will start counseling soon. In the meantime, we are starting to put into practice Harley's basic concepts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Initdeep, need your insight. When you returned to your wife how did you feel? Did you go through depression or withdrawal? How long were you away from her before you came home? My hubby seems distant some times. He has picked up a few habits like smoking cigs and drinking. He's not suppose to drink because he has a liver problem so that of course concerns me. But sometimes he seems distant - I guess that's normal. I called him at work today and asked if the OW had called again since he told her, hopefully for the last time yesterday not to call him anymore and he said she hasn't called again. Part of me believes him and the other doesn't. I suggested today that we spend some time tonight talking about our recovery plan and possibly start counseling. He agreed. I asked him how he was feeling and he said strange because he is so use to being on the go that he hopes he can get use to the "family life" again. He said that he sought of enjoyed being out there on the run and I asked him whether it was truly something he enjoyed or just his way of keeping busy sought of running to not think about things. I told him that I would imagine his feelings are natural since he has only been home 3 days after being gone for 85 and that he is probably experiencing withdrawal from the A as well as the "single" life style he was living. Any guidance you can provide on what he's feeling and how I should respond or what I should expect. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. I don't know. I'm happy he's home I'll just be happier once we are over this period. Any advice would be truly appreciated. Thanks again.

P-A-F, I never left my W. But I went through a range of emotions that you will not believe and have not mentioned. For the most part, I hid them by withdrawing and bottling it up. Depression was there, and it was a strange depression, for me it was not because the A was over or I had been caught. But the prospect of going back to my W. I had been so unhappy for nearly 4 years and I didnt have much faith in her. She has proved me wrong, but at the time I really did not believe that the changes I saw were for good. I saw no hope in our R and often considered driving headlong into a wall on my way home. I felt anger that my W was calling the shots, she had the upper hand, and no matter how I lied and protested I knew I was in the wrong. I felt remorse for the pain I was causing yet it was almost impossible for me to stop. Strange you mention running, this was something I literally did. I started running, in the evenings, possibly running away from the problems at home. Possibly running because I was in total control for that short period of time. Possibly because I would be so tired that I could not think, or reason. I didnt start smoking as this was something I hate, and I didnt drink any more than usual. A couple of beers once a month is about my limit. With all this going on in my head you may ask why I didnt pack it in. I tried, twice, but my W's strenght and resiliance kept me there. She kept Plan A'ing and the longer she did the more I felt that I was being cruel and nasty. I had to start putting something in, I couldnt sit back and be miserable, while she got on and made improvements to her life and showed me she was worth it. Keep at it, dont give up. Stand your ground, but above all prove that the changes you are making are for good and not just to get him back.
Regards

initdeep thanks again. This is quite a challenge. Yesterday as we talked my husband continued to say how he sought of liked being able to get up and go whenever he wanted to. He told me that if this doesn't work he's going to leave. He told me that he feels like he's in a cage and he doesn't think he can get use to this. I mentioned to him that this is all part of the withdrawal. He continues to say that she has not called him again but I believe differently just because of the way he's talking and acting. I'm trying to keep the faith and I'm trying to continue with Plan A but when you hear things like "maybe we can just be friends" it hurts. He can't leave because not only would it devastate me but it would devastate his daughter. I asked if he would just try to stick it out through the depression and withdrawal because that's when we would finally be in recovery. I'm just praying that he will stay and that he will get over this soon.

So we are suppose to be in recovery and 5 days after returning home he spends the night out and guess with who - the OW. So what am I suppose to do know. He came home today and said he told her it's over again - hmm she's heard that story before she probably just laughs at him. So right now he's home but I'm being cool. When he got home I went out to meet some friends and he stayed with our child. I will not speak to him tonight but maybe tomorrow I will speak to him about the recovery plans and if he's on board I'll give it a shot but one more slip and he's out the door. I feel pretty strong - thanks to my Lord. He's going to see that I will not put up with this crap anymore and that I will not allow him to disrespect me anymore. Enough is enough.

Well it happened. I went to church today and when I got home he was gone. He claimed we talked about this last night and that he had explained to our daughter but yet my daughter is asking me when is dad getting home tonight. I told him last night that he has caused me so much pain,more than I ever thought possible and that I can't do this anymore. I told him that if he truly doesn't want to be here then he is free to go but that he is at risk of making one of the biggest mistakes of his life - losing his wife and his family. I told him that he will never find a wife like me and that because of his affair he has made me feel for the last 3 months like I had to measure up to someone else, like I was not special and that lie is stopping right now. I am a good woman, a beautiful woman, a smart woman and it's his lost not mine. At this point I'm thinking of changing the locks on the doors and I'm thinking of letting him know not to call me anymore that I want no more contact with him. Maybe then he'll come to realize what life without me would be like. What else can I do at this point?

Hi. I have been reading your posts and through it all you sound so much like I did. I skipped to the end to see how it all turned out and once again....you sounded like I did....from pain and hurt to pain and anger. Mine came back only now I don't know if I want him. It's hard....VERY HARD. Especially after all they put us through....here they go and give us all these wonderful things to remember then come home. OH, and I guess I should be flattered that he picked me.....I don't know if we will make it. Not because he is still involved but because being involved should have never happened.

Hang in there. I pop in on MB every now and then in fact, posted a thread today....keep the faith and be strong.

Hi Leti, I know it's hard and right now you are angry which is why you are saying you don't know if you want him. You do, otherwise you would have backed out a while ago. It's not going to be easy but it can work if you both set a plan and stick to it. Did you put a recovery plan together? Have you started counseling? But most important Leti is you have to get to the point of forgiving him and remember that while he was out there - it's as if he were abducted by aliens or something because they really do get into such a fog that they do the dumbest things. Have you done the EN questionnaire - don't give up now you've come too far.

I have read tons and tons on this site. My husband has also been here and loves for me to print things to take home so he can read with me. He cries with me and tells me how painful it is for him because he knows he is the sole reason for my unhappiness. He says he treasures any smiles he can get from me because he knows how much I hurt.

I haven't done the questionaire thing but we did print it out. I don't know....I am just slowly losing faith...>BIG TIME!! I just keep waiting on the next revelation that he did it again. They both work for the school district and this week will be especially hard because she is back and I can only wonder how long it will be until she makes contact with him. Then again, I tell myself, hell, if they wanted to talk it would have continued through out the summer. I don't know.....this is just crazy. He did this mess and now I get to live with it. Our marriage will only last if I allow the pain and anger to step aside. He relies on me to give the ok to continue on but yet he screwed it all up to begin with. Why should I be sentencing myself to a life of hellish memories??

I give him all the credit in the world for sticking it out and trying so hard....but, he let me down already once....I can only imagine what's to come.

Leti you have got to pray and ask God to help you get over your pain and release it and forgive him. Girl it can work once you release the anger and unforgiveness. There is a scripture in the bible that says think on the good thoughts. Don't think about the negative things but think on the positive of what your marriage will be. You can't put your trust in your hubby you have to put it in God and you'll see how you can come through this. Start the counseling - right now I think you need it just to help you get through the resentment. Dr. Harley has something in this site on resentment - please look at it. I'm praying for you. How I wish my hub would be saying the things your hub is saying to you now. Girl, don't give it up.

Well it's been 1 week since my WS left us for the second time. I changed the locks on the door and when he found out he was upset. It seems like he has not been spending much time with the OW because he's been at his mom's early almost every day. I'm dying to find out if the affair is over. I thought maybe it was but I just found out he arrived late last night so maybe it's not over. I've been trying to stay away from him. I don't call him for nothing and I don't really pay any attention to him when he comes to visit his daughter. He has noticed that I have changed and that I'm distant from him. Last week he told my daughter to tell me he still loves me, then he tells me that he was reading an anniversary card I gave him (our anniversary was in Feb), this week there's nothing much to report. I just wish this would end already. I don't know what to do. I'm sought of stuck between a Plan A and a Plan B. Is that good? Should I just go to Plan B? I'm going away this week with my daughter and I'm looking forward to some sun and relaxation. This affair has been going on for about 4 months now. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I feel like I'm in limbo. His family is telling me that he will eventually come home but that in the meantime I have got to get tough, go out and show him that I'm not sitting home waiting for him. Well I'm a Christian so it's not like I'm going to go out dancing or get me another man or anything like that. What the heck do I do?

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