Did I say I would not worry?

If I did, I lied.

Hope things are better upon your return. Hope you are better if THINGS are not.

SS

Hi FBOW,

Just wanting to wish you a Happy Holiday season.

Same to you SS and Ginger.

Where ever you are, and whatever you are doing, Merry Christmas, and don't fall down the stairs and get hurt.

(that's your words of wisdom for today, sorry, but that's all I have.)

SS

<small>[ December 24, 2003, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Happy New Year to everybody!

Have your dreams come true.

Let it be peaceful and fullfilling year for all of you.

Let us be strong in our plans and couragous to try new ways.

I am entartaining visitors so I have little private time to post. I stay busy which kind of keeps me away from the reality. I will have to face it though in about 10 days.

Sue, I am glad your H is behaving nicely. I do believe you are in good shape and timing to confront now. Better home environment makes you less likely to LB and your H has fresh memories of happy family life he might miss forever.
Just a thought.

I, on the other hand, am very bitter and tired, and disaponited by lies and deceit. I thought in our situation there was no need to play games or hide stuff. Now I am questioning any remaining trust I had in my H other than emotional and physical betrayal. For instance finances or how the separation will be handled.

Makes me very cautious. And afraid. But I realize I should not wait any longer. I will get weaker, not stronger.

SS, good to hear from you. I am glad to come back and see you on the boards.

FBOW

Not much to say, just a quote I came across:

"When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening."

FBOW

When I read that quote, I don't know if I should laugh, or cry.

I posted something on Sue's thread that you may be able to identify with. It does not directly apply, but I think you will know why I suggest reading it.

You have been "relationship" quiet for a long time. If you examine your reasons, what do you see?

Enjoy the cool weather while you have it, because the Hot will be there all too soon.

SS

Hi FBOW,

How is it going? I know I have been a bit wrapped upin myself that I have not been there as I used to be for you.

Hi Sue,
trying to stay busy to detach myself from destructive thoughts.
Not easy, struggling with decision/indecision, timing and such. Nobody will solve this for me.
You take care,
FBOW

Hi FBOW,

I know, this is the hardest decision you have to make. You have been doing this as long as I have. Two years is a long time.

I'm trying to recall how a friend helped to put it in presective for me. You know, it made so much sense.

It went something like this: you can continue as is, and stay in misery, or you can choose to take action. At least with the action route, you started taking some control of you life back. As long as you do nothing, he has no reason to make a decision.

I know my fear is he will not want me. After two years of this crap, do I want a marriage like this? I remember when I used to be so strong and self assured, probably too much. Back in my 20's, if a guy even talked to me disrespectfully, I dumped him in a heartbeat.

I recall when I used to have the attitude, that living with a man who makes you miserable is not worth it, so I would rather be without a man and have my friends. I know I am trying to get that woman back. She took good care of me.

Hi FBOW,
Sue makes a very good point about things just getting worse. Here are some other questions for you to think about.

1. Are there any signs that H is being honest, and that the A is coming to an end?

2. Can you continue the way you are now?

3. Do you want to continue this way?

4. What should the next step be if you want things to change?

5. Can you live with what may happen if things get worse after any actions you take?

6. Have you already decided to do something but are working on security (like Sue with her nursing degree) before taking action?

7 Do you have a timeline, and a deadline?

8. Do you need both?

9. Should I leave you alone and not ask so many questions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

10. Where should I take my W and friend to dinner in LV in March?
(anyone who knows LV can comment on this last one)

SS

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi SS,

I can only say as far as dinner in Las Vegas, 6 years ago, when I was there, the Luxor had a really good place. They had different places depending upon your tastes and budget. We at at the buffet mostly. Good food. We ate once at the high priced restaurant. You know the type, super large plate, with all the food far enough apart they don't touch. The chef does the fancy designs on the plate. I don't recall the name of it. I know it was on the second level (I think). Our table was a window table that looked down over the casino. I don't recall how much it cost. I do recall that my menu did not have the prices on it.

Hi,SS and Sue

1. No

2. Possibly, depending when you ask.

3. No.

4. Separation?

5. I sure hope so.

6. Not really, dragging my feet, deluding myself with glimmers of hope.

7 No

8. I should.

9. No way.

10. Ever tried Buca Di Beppo? It's a quirky italian restaurant food chain with tasty, homey food served family style. The tchotkies decor is very entertaining. For upscale/pricier food the restaurant row in the Venetian has many choices.

I am tired with all the driving today to several school/church activities but you know I am proud of my girls and I am going to support them no matter how exhausted and frustrated I am myself.
I just wish I had more upbeat mood and a bit more patience for them. I would not mind a boost in my job situation - either an interview or some respect where I am now. Still working on it.

Thanks for stopping by
FBOW

When we see the doctor and they proscribe something for us they usually tell us to call the office if it doesn't seem to be working.

Since you are the Doc in your case, and since the last round of pills don't seem to be working, what are you going to do next?

I admit that I am not the expert on Marriage building, but I hate to see things continue to get worse.

And no, I haven't tried Bucia Di Beppo, but it sounds very good. W loves italian.

He's been home for quite some time now. Are you better or worse since his return? Does having him around help, or hurt?

SS

When I have nothing positive to say, I say nothing at all.
I am looking forward to meeting of my friends. I am so glad that Sue has family living close and available for emotional and other support.

No it's not been easier. Yes I realize my selftreatment failed on my M but not on me.
I talked to kids a bit. Didn't make my decision ANY easier.

I did verbally calmly ask to cease of ALL contact with OW. No avail. "Nobody tells H what do".
So now it is the matter of timing and courage. On my part.
I think I earned my way out.
FBOW

I want to do a regular post, but have run out of time.

I see a lot in your last post, much more than the few lines you typed.

Are you still thinking along those same lines?

Will be back within a few days -

SS

FBOW,

I am in the same situation as you. I confronted him last night. Now today he doesn't come home and did not pick up any of my calls. Children are crying. But my heart gets harden. I don't know what I am going to get.

Hi FBOW,

Sometimes it's hard to know just what to say. If I say I worry, some posters are more careful what the report so as not to worry me.

When I have nothing positive to say, I say nothing at all.
Quiet for so long - many bad days at your house. I know you look for positive things in your life, and there are many, but the marriage troubles seem to overshadow everything some days. That little sentence of yours tells me a great deal about your life right now.


I am looking forward to meeting of my friends.
I hope it turns out well. I would imagine they would be happy to call you a friend. I hope you get support in our trials .


I am so glad that Sue has family living close and available for emotional and other support.
I suppose that means that you do not. Makes it all the harder - but you do well, all things considered.

No it's not been easier.
I cannot see it likely to get easier on the present course. You get choices, but perhaps not your first choice. You may not like the other choices, but you get to choose. Remember that inaction is a choice also and it may lead to a conclusion you do not like.

Yes I realize my selftreatment failed on my M but not on me.

NO, NOT ON YOU AT ALL. You personally have done well, I can see a difference in you since you first came here. You are stronger, better able to make decisions, and more sure of yourself. It also speaks well for you that you still love H, and want to make your marriage work. However, I believe in being proactive - and doing things. Remember that the things Dr Harley teaches are many times counter to our feelings about what ought to be done. Remember that though it doesn't work in all cases, his suggestions increase your changes over doing what feels best.

I talked to kids a bit. Didn't make my decision ANY easier.

I would be interested to know how they feel, and what they say. I have a feeling that you do not let your feelings show at home. I would bet that they can tell something is wrong, but they don't know how bad it is because of his acting like he is so good and wonderful to them.

I did verbally calmly ask to cease of ALL contact with OW. No avail. "Nobody tells H what do".

This is as he has always done - except if he thinks you will believe him when he says he will slow it down. Remember that Dr Harley says that recovery can't begin until there is NC. I would have to agree with him in almost all cases. The few exceptions are when there is great remorse aside from being caught, and the WP does all in their power to make things work. You don't have that situation - because your H is still hiding things and telling lies.


So now it is the matter of timing and courage. On my part. I think I earned my way out.

I have no doubt that you earned a way out if you want. Increasingly I worry that it is too late for plan B to work. I still wish you would call cerri, or the Harleys.

I mean, if you needed dental work done, you wouldn't do it yourself looking in the mirror.

You know that there are some really good people here that could help.

Courage you have enough of, and if you really knew that plan B was best - and there were no doubts in your mind, you would do it tomorrow. You need to know.

Timing is important, but doing the right thing is perhaps even more important than timing. If your house burned down tonight, you would find a way to live - I know you would. If you felt you knew the best plan, timing would not be as important.

Please don' t let fear of what he will do make your decisions for you. We do what is best and let what happens - happen.

W is calling me to discuss a trip we are going on in early March. I'll get back to you.

SS

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

For someone that is quiet if they have nothing good to report, this three week silence makes me very sad.

FBOW, do you know it's over, and you are just afraid to say so?

For most of your time here you had hope. Is there any hope remaining?

Remember that courage is not lack of fear. Courage is doing what is right even though we do fear.

Staying in a bad situation for the good of ones children takes courage.

Getting up each morning, and going to work - even when life ceases to seem worth while takes courage.

Seeking new opportunities in the midst of trials takes courage.

People care about you.

SS

Hi SS,
thanks for checking on me.
I am coping on day to day basis, some are better than others, and slowly moving toward next milestone after another.
Work keeps me busy, plus I've been studying for an exam that hopefully could get me another job in the future.

Add to that a cold or two, H leaving with no warning for business trips, dead batteries, cooking/overeating/guilt trips, wintertime blah and there you go - not exactly a poster exuberating with energy...
The bright points are meetings with friends and family during next month or two. I don't get those very often.

I am lurking though, always hoping to find some breakthru approach short of plan B.

Thanks for your concerns
FBOW

Hi FBOW,
sometimes I think about all the posters that just fade away. They don't get a resoltion to their marriage problems, they just seem to get tired of posting about a stalemate, and we never hear from them again.

I don't worry about them IF they have closure, but I do worry if they do not.

Add to that a cold or two, H leaving with no warning for business trips, dead batteries, cooking/overeating/guilt trips, wintertime blah and there you go - not exactly a poster exuberating with energy...

Oh, so you want us to know that you are just like all the rest of us. (that was teasing, but somehow it didn't sound quite right.)

You have problems from day to day and they get to you sometimes. Actually, on top of the problems with your H, these are harder to cope with, because he would help if he was acting like a real H would act.

I give you permission to over eat, but stop with the guilt trips. Travel can be so tireing - what with Jet lag and all of the things that go along with it. How can you stand guilt trips along with all the other things you have to do?


The bright points are meetings with friends and family during next month or two. I don't get those very often.

So, are you going to tell everyone what part of your family is visiting? You said once that none of them lived close.


I am lurking though, always hoping to find some breakthru approach short of plan B.

I can't remember reading about plan A and 1/2. Do you know something that I don't know?

Thanks for your concerns

Here's to success for you, and happiness for your family - and even your H if he chooses to stay a part of that family.

At least we got some rain here finally. Dark days, but it will help the summer out - I may even be able to water my lawn this year.

All the best - and don't worry about things quite so much. If you keep doing what you know is right, you are bound to be blessed somehow.

Sing - it's good for you.

SS

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>