One of the things that's been particularly hard for me to understand about my W's affair is that I'm certain she started it before we even got engaged. In fact, I can almost pinpoint the exact time when it started, based on changes in her behavior towards me. <BR>This happened around the time of my first birthday that we spent together. We'd been courting for about 5 months, and it had been a very intense, very passionate courtship on both sides, both of us certain that we were soulmates and would spend the rest of our lives together in bliss. At the time, I was working in another state and commuting up on weekends to see her. I took a couple of days off, so we had a very long birthday weekend together, and this is when we had our first fight ever. She also seemed somewhat distant somehow during the whole time, and I couldn't figure this out, based on the closeness we had before. And then, as I was leaving, she told me not to come back up for the following weekend, because she had, "Too much work to do." (I know there are people who are going to say, "Well maybe she did have work." Not true, as far as I could see - she was pretty vague about what it was - and she'd never pulled this excuse on me before.) After that, our relationship did seem to get somewhat back on track, but it was never quite the same. There was always this distance between us that I hadn't put there and that I could never seem to quite bridge. We still got engaged a few months later and then married the following year. Even then, I think I suspected there was someone else, but didn't want to admit it to myself.<P>When I discovered about a year ago for certain that she is having an affair, I started thinking back and a lot of things like this began making more sense. But what never made much sense to me was why she would have started an affair before we were even engaged, and then go ahead and get engaged and married? Now that I know that the OM is married, it seems to me that figured their relationship wasn't going in that direction, and so she needed someone else to (like me) to balance out the arrangement and keep the power equal in the affair. Does this make sense? Anyone else have a similar experience? Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Wex, you mentioned a while back that you suspect your W may be using drugs. Can the OM be a connection in this regard? He could be supplying her for her favors. Just a thought.

Janie - He could well be. In fact, this thought has crossed my mind often. She does have a "drug past" (assured me it was long over after we met) and even lived with a pro dealer for a couple of years a way long time ago. The interesting thing is that they lived in the same state (borders ours) where I'm fairly certain the OM lives too. And I know she has lots of connections (of all sorts!) up there. Plus I know the guy IS incredibly sneaky! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Hi, Wex...<P>Actually in the situations we find ourselves in that don't make any sense at all, I find your reasoning to be sound in this. Maybe she didn't necessarily start in with you to balance power, she probably did fall for you. It just turned out that way for her as time went on.<P>What amazes me is that our spouses seem to think that there are no odd behaviors for us to notice. I have been told this many times, but later, facts tend to back me up. Doesn't give her any reason to acknowledge that I was right, but it reinforces my intuition....<P>If you have the facts, it's difficult to mount a credible defense...

Wex,<BR>My stbx had a long distance relationship too.It started out once a month i would come in for the weekend and progressed to weekly.<BR>Finally it got hard for me to let her go and thats when I asked her to marry me. We lived together 4 months prior to our marriage.<P>I had a wise man tell me that once sex enters a relationship, the conversation is replaced with passion and we don't get to know the person.<P>It looks very appropo in my case. If we had talked more, would I have noticed or observed her many needs and vice versa ?<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

RWD - Boy are our situations REALLY similar. My W and I lived together about 3-1/2 months before we were married, had been engaged for nearly a year, known each other 1-1/2 years, so we didn't rush into it. And we DID talk a lot. I mean we told each other EVERYTHING, all our secrets, sexual and otherwise. And it's just the closeness between us that this brought about (together with a lot of sex too) that makes her behavior so hard to understand and gets me to wondering sometimes, maybe is DOES involve drugs!<P>heartpain - She knew the OM for a couple of years before she met me, and I think they'd already gotten something going but then broken it off because he was living with another woman whom he intended to marry. I think they only got together again after I'd been courting her for a while. And yeah, I can't understand either how our partners don't realize how much having an affair changes their behavior towards us and that we're bound to notice! Like I said, I could almost pinpoint the exact time her affair began (or restarted) from the different way she started behaving towards. I guess they think they can always tell us it's just our imagination, and that's exactly what she did!<P>--Wex