I guess you have to learn to communicate about sharing children's responsibilities even if your marriage were in a much worse state than it is now. It is a matter of finding a good time and a sensitive way to bring up the discussion. I guess you could say that you don't want the children to miss out on anything in their lives whatever happens between the two of you. Could you call him some time to talk about it?

Dear Relate,
thanks for your input.
I think I will sign kids now just for things that I can not postpone until September. I will deal with transportation issues when the time comes.
I know I was always able to figure out solutions when he's away on business trips ( which is quite often). I really don't want him to feel I am trapping him now into family commitments in order to sway him against his will.
Besides part of plan A for me is also speaking for myself more in my job environment. So I should be able to negotiate more flexibility if the need arises. I am just uncomfortable asking people for favors, even friends or neighbors.
I like being self reliable whenever possible.
Too bad one cannot fill own EN. I would give it a good shot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I feel calmer too, because we did talk briefly today. Still sort of my initiative, but I knew there was a family event he was attending and I wanted to call with congratulations too.

I was a little unstable for a moment when I was discussing my struggles with dealing with control issues over our 14 yr old D. I trust her and I am very proud of her and I do want her to gain experience, I just get frustrated when she misinterprets most of my inquiries as not trustful, exaggerated and so on. I guess it's teenage attitude in general.
He does have a good contact with her, but that's mostly me who deals with everyday issues.
She is a good child, but she's only 14 and very trusting and I do feel a strong need for protecting. I am improving my communications skills with her too, and she does offer me feedback, so slowly we are getting better.

He said that my need for details, facts, and preplanning is quite unusual and that she is just like most girls her age, and that's why I don't understand her approach. He did not say it in a negative way. I told him I try hard to have better relationship with her and let go when I am sort of comfortable. I hope her impression about me is that I am trying and I am actually communicating better now, too.

I try to listen to my girls more and suggest less, for instance regarding family activities and such.

It makes me feel better about myself too.

How are you doing before the holiday?
I tried to get myself and the kids out to the neighborhood block party. We prepared some food and went there. I was so tired coming home after work, yet tried to be upbeat and asked kids to help me decorate the dish. Well the older one got on the phone for hours as usual, I got upset because I asked her to finish so we could go and she acted like she had no idea we were leaving. Then the preteen one had a really moody day and questioned everything I asked her to do.
I almost lost it, started complaining and got angry and disappointed but we still went. I am not very social and I felt lonely among happy couples with many kids running around. I could not stand it. I talked briefly to a couple of people I just met. 80's music was playing and brought memories of our dating etc. My closest neighbors did not come so I did not have to explain that H is on yet another business trip.
So I went back home, the girls are still playing down the street with their friends, watching fireworks etc.
I feel so fake when I put on my happy face. I cannot lie. I am still deeply hurt and unhappy and have less and less hope if I ever become a self confident and happy person. There are few moments when I don't think about the A or not obsess what my H is doing at the moment.
We email each other -which helps me a lot, I try to keep my emails matter of fact, just like his are, no feelings, emotions, expressions not to discourage him from writing because I know he cannot return honestly expressions of love. Just information about daily events. I hope no news is good news.
I feel I don't know what I actually enjoy doing anymore. Whatever I pick either makes me feel guilty (like food/fat - shopping/ spending money) or kids do not like the idea. Or that I should do something remarkable instead of "wasting" time.
I signed up for a month trial at my daughters gym since I have to drive her there anyway.
I know that exercise is supposed to help me relax but I don't like it( I tried gym before for over a year, never felt really committed or satisfied from exercising).
I really need to feel assured and safe, and loved and cared for,and not to be strong and responsible 24/7. I want to be able to forget refilling prescriptions, buing milk, ignoring carpooling, calling in sick and being easily forgiven for that and somebody else taking care of the problem.
I felt better when I felt anger, because at least it was a sign of life.
I know I appear strong and decisive on the outside, as far as job goes. But inside I find it so hard to get through one more day. I still wake up many times at night ( I used to be a very sound sleeper) and end up exhausted in the morning. I dislike myself for getting easily discouraged..
Sorry for the ramblings. Nobody else gets to listen to it. It helps me to write down and share my emotions though. Girls will be home any minute so I better stop whining. Have plenty of ironing to do.
Have a happy Independence Day.

This weekend went smoother than any other. Usually I dread weekends because I have more time to think and easier access to phone and email which tempts me to contact my H. Yesterday we did some shopping for school w/ the girls since they will be gone for the remainder of summer ( they leave in about two weeks). I was not grouchy or pushy even though (honestly) I do not enjoy shopping for clothes. What helped I guess that beforehand I told them what we were shopping for and that as long as their choice is permitted by school code, I'll go along. They carefully picked really nice outfits, were resourceful and choosy, so now all three of us are happy with purchases. We "wasted" 4-5 hours, but I consider it quality family time, since I was patient and calm.
Today my younger one attended a b-day party and I organized my closet, getting rid of too big, too sad, too "baglady" clothes.
I think there is an interesting thread about "baglady" complex.
Yes, I do like bargains, I feel uneasy spending money at the mall for stuff not on sale, actually don't even like shopping there.
I was raised with an idea that only inside matters, smarts and character, not the looks, boy, did I discover that is not always so. Funny because I always appreciated and longed for nice furniture and interiors, could not tolerate uncoordinated colors, but could not care less about my own hair, always chose comfort over style in clothes and shoes. So I have to bite my tongue when I see my girls interest in makup and fashion, because even if I never felt the same, they better be prepared for the real world. I am happy that they know what they like and enjoy getting it, yet are selective and already are aware of fads, bargains, value, versatility etc.

My H called me sort of prompted by me because of few urgent practicalities involving his matters here which I try to handle while he's absent. It was short, but nice, matter of fact, conversation.
He told me what he was doing in our hometown, I did not inquire beyond what he wanted to share. He had a busy week dealing with stuff back in old country, I told him I appreciated his efforts.

I still long for his voice and emails, he does write to me 2-3 times a week. I am not in denial as he can see OW in person now easily and he did not declare he would not.
I will have hard time WHEN he gets back. Especially if still not being decisive. I try not to think too much in advance, just concentrate on day-to-day progress or at least avoiding slip-ups.

I'd love to call him to beg him "come back now ILY so do love me and try to be happy with me, I can't stand the pain and loneliness". I will not, I am not a better me yet.

Till later. I must be calmer somewhat because the pounds stopped coming off, unfortunately. Could get rid of another 10 or 15...

Hi to all,
just wondering about WS relations with their parents. I've seen statements that blood is thicker than water and that generally WS find support there. I am curious about WS hiding their A from parents but not really from BS - does it it mean that they they value their parents opinion and feelings more or what?
Do they feel more guilt or shame toward parents than their unloved spouses because of the parent-child love? Is this situation common at all?
I am keeping my word and not talking to anybody but it seems by acccidental contact with his family that they do not even know about his long vacation. I don't like that now in addition to everything else I have to avoid all contact with them as well, since I don't wan't to LB by accident through revealing he is not home now and won't be back for one more month. And kids obviously are aware he is away on a long business/vacation trip so they can easily spill the beans too. I was doing OK and now I am panicky enough to screen all phone calls.
It makes me angry too that I have to suffer consequences of somebody elses choices.
I let H know immediately by text message to his phone that his mother tried to reach him, I hope he'll let me know if he talked to her.
Heck, I can't be responsible for all the problems, right?
Just trying not ruin my plan A.
FBOW

FBOW, my W and I went up and stayed with my parents of the weekend a few weeks ago. I went to the pub with my old man and my W stayed with my mom. We both spoke and it all came out. I felt embarrassed telling my folks, I certainly was not proud of my actions but I hoped they would be able to help in some way. They were both understanding and although my mother suggested things to my W I was not happy with I think the treated us fairly. However, we dont really talk to them now, and this is from me. I dont want to talk to them now, when asked how we are getting on I always say " all is okay". I no longer feel comfortable around them and I feel that my W and I go over and over this anyway, I dont want to be going over it again with my parents. If I had my way, I would not have told them at all, as far as I was concerned they did not need to know.
Regards

Thank you, Initdeep.
I do believe until my H decides one way or the other sharing the current situation with anybody could result with him being pushed for action not really coming from his heart. I don't want that. However since I have to keep straight face etc with friends and family, I need to know what do they know generally, so the stories will be consistent, I mean he could have told them easily he has a long string of business trips and will not be home and I do not think they would press him for details ( and I am much easier target for questioning anyway b/c everybody in our families knows he likes to keep his privacy and does not like to share future plans).
Actually in the past I really dreaded being stuck in the middle ( between my parents was bad enough, but between my in-laws and him felt overhelming) - I mean if anybody had some kind of opinion or advice about our life, it all was addressed to me, even if it was directly concerning his plans. I learned in time to direct questions to him, by simply saying I don't know, why don't you ask him. I was relieved when we moved away from them because we could live our life and raise the kids without being advised and commented on frequently. They all care about us and their grandkids very much, and always were helpful, financially too, when we were young and needed it badly, so I try not to hurt their feelings either, but my MIL and my dad are quite controlling persons.

I've read your recent posts, I can see you feel your privacy is being violated, it must be awful, but just to let you know, your wife actions and your reactions are totally normal and expected according to the scenario of recovery presented in SAA book. I guess it is very personal trait how fast you can recover trust, and it depends on events of the past and if the person currently is open and truthful so there is less and less of a need to verify what they say. I would think talking about those feelings openly might help. Many people on this site said the A was not actually the most hurtful event, the lies were.

FBOW

PS. Haven't heard form my H or my MIL again.

Can't sleep again. After being sort of calm and numb for about a week I got anxious and angry. My anger is I guess about dishonesty more than the actual A. Because I opened up way back in January, let go of my protective wall. I could use more of these "open talks" even if they hurt me. I wish I knew why he's avoiding "talks" with me - is it guilt, is it sparing my feelings, or worse yet - he still does not trust me with his honest feelings. I know I have to be patient but I feel like I have less and less to hold on to.
I am grateful for his occasional emails from his vacation, he could choose not to write them at all. If he is thinking about our R vs the A though wouldn't he drop a line about it? Does it suggest that he chose to enjoy himself rather than use this time ALONE (?) to consider his further decisions? I am having second thoughts about SF role played in our M and the A.
If he spared me the truth in January then maybe I am a failure there as well.
It really hurts my efforts to build up my self-esteem. I need to know where the problem is to solve it. I realized that me being unhappy about myself contributed to bad M environment. But if all the feedback I get is negative, no Admiration, plenty of criticism added to my natural lack of confidence and fear of failure, this was the outcome. That's why I work hard on myself now, getting satisfaction from little victories at work and improving my interaction with kids. And yes I am proud that I've avoided LBing so far (as much as I can tell from my perspective).

OK, venting session over.
Goodnight.
FBOW

Hi to All,

I had one more sleepless night. The closer it gets to H return the scarier I feel. See I am afraid ( despite keeping my hopes low and generally being in better physical and mental shape now) that being close to him in person but sepaarte emotionally will cause me to break down, LB, cry, beg and loose all seld confidence and self esteem I worked on during his absence.

I know I need to ask him about his current position re. future, yet I am not sure I can handle all kinds of answers in a calm way.

I will keep posting, unfortunately I have problems accesssing the Internet; I felt so deserted and lonely for past few days not being able to use this forum.

FBOW

Hello,
he's back. Very polite and very distant. No talk. No announcements.
My attempts at small talk ( I TRYYY neutral subjects, general issues etc which are politely cut short yes/no and I feel awkward because no conversation is possible and you know I am very bad at talking anyway).
I am plainly happy to have him home, I was by myself for the past two weeks, have not seen him in almost two months - I can't help it but I still do love him and I missed him. There is nothing unnatural or artificial in my warm welcome, what seems artifcial now is myself restraining my clinginess. Which I do.
I know I have to be patient, not pushy, not expect anything in return etc.

It is soo hard though.
Sometimes I think plan B might be actually easier since I would probably not feel like walking on eggshells all the time. I have to assume the A is going strong. If it was any different - wouldn't he tell me? If he decided to separate or divorce - shouldn't he tell me as well? If he wants to know how I am doing two months more into the limbo- will he just observe - couldn't he ask?

I attempted four hugs so far ( 2 per day). One of them felt like he hugged me back - I just don't know.

I asked him to please tell me if he plans not to stay long. He asked why. I explained I'd rather know. He did not continue this topic. I am certain he will go back even if just for another business trip. I wish I could simply tell him that I just want to make his stay home as pleasant as possible regardless of situation. I don't think I will last in plan A till Christmas as planned or even another month which is the absolute minimum in my mind having no verbal input from him. Who will explain plan B to our kids? Who is supposed to move out - him or us?

I feel bad because I sense he does not want to receive anything from me. It's almost like Plan A instead becomes a LB in itself.

Obviously if there is no intimacy at conversation level there will be no other kind either.

We are supposed to meet our friends tonight. I dread going because many of them hinted beforehand that we will probably be too "busy" at home after being apart for so long and not attend the party anyway. I don't know how to keep happy face anymore.

Sorry, had to vent, he stepped outside for a while, I keep sobbing now, I was supposed to be stronger, what happened to my self esteem again..

I have EN questionnaires handy, I hoped the climate will be better to leave one for him out.I don't think it would be good timing though. I know I am not allowed to preach or teach beacuse it will become a LB.

Everybody including kids thinks we will take advantage of being "childless" for two weeks and that we go for a vacation ourselves. And I just have to smile and nod.

Whatever.
I can't be a wreck but sure I feel right now like one. Breath in breathe out, I feel better, will dig in myself for more stamina.
Hey, I go through this for myself too. I am learning to be brave; what worse can happen for me in future - only if I gave up with a feeling I could do better but chose not to or was too weak to admit could not learn to fulfill his needs better.

You know sometimes I wonder that may be he does not like strong, independent, self reliable women. So what's the point. I know I have a job now, I am able to handle houshold/kids activities/auto issues/repair/money etc pretty much alone, how come he doesn't realize I chose him, I want and need him for my other needs. And that our kids love and need him too.
I am certain like everybody else he doesn't like to be around low self esteem, whiny, clingy, unhappy, unkempt person.

Well I guess I will be shooting love arrows blindfolded for the next month or so. I will try to give him a lot of physical space too.
One hour at a time. Let me refresh my face, makeup and attire before going out. I will not regret my efforts NO MATTER WHAT.

Till later.
FBOW

PS Willingtowait, if you are around, warm, strong, good, friendly thoughts for you.

Dear FBOW
I am so sorry that it is so hard for you at the moment. Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say that I am thinking of you and that I am sure that your H has seen your strength and courage. Keep Plan Aing - it will help to focus you when you feel as though you are going to fall apart. It is okay to approach him for a conversation. LIR suggested to me that I ask my H if it was a good time to talk and if not, could he let me know when it would be. I also make a conscious effort to limit the length of these emotional talks and as a result, my H has been more receptive (even if he misunderstands what I am saying most times - but one step at a time!).

My H has never left home, but I worry every time he attends a business meeting away from his desk, so I can begin to understand what torture you have been through over the last 7 weeks. Keep strong. I am thinking of you.
Warmest thoughts, Fishwife

Dearest Fishwife,
thank you for your support. You do understand how much one's decisions and actions are affected by having children. I will NOT do anything regrettable at least while they are gone. Repeat: I will NOT act on emotions and fear alone.
Unfortunately I can feel my love draining with every phone call he makes.
I keep telling myself this is no surprise nor really that much of a difference anyway, yet it still hurts as much as the initial confession.
I will support him while he's having an outpatient surgery soon, nothing major, yet it is a first and unknown for him, anesthesia including,
I do worry and I will be as helpful as possible, I just have a feeling that this procedure was his only reason to show back home again. Time will tell.
I hope both you are well into recovery now.
FBOW

P.S. I wish I could take Initdeep opinion about financial matters with 100% reliability towards my H. I still give him benefit of doubt and hope any major moves he makes take the well being of he whole family into account.

FBOW,

Children don't just change your lives - they change you! I was saying just last night to my H that, before we had our boys, I loved him so much that I could not imagine finding any more love for anyone else. Then the boys arrived and I loved them completely - I still loved him in the same way, but I was so busy with the other love that I stopped giving "his" love the attention it deserved and needed. Now I realise that my marriage is not indestructible - it needs constant attention - and we do too.

When my WH was saying terrible things in the days just after D-Day, I too felt the love draining away. I still loved the person he used to be - I still loved the father of my children, but I lost my respect for him with every hurtful thing he said - I built a wall of protection around myself which required the absence of love for him. As things have progressed, that wall is slowly getting lower and the respect and feelings I have for him are beginning to grow once more.

As for financials; I really thought that my H would leave, so I looked into all the options. I sought legal advice and I spoke to someone else in my position. Not only did this give me an idea of where I would be if he left, it made me realise that I would still be okay and it gave me the confidence to Plan A without the fear of desertion. You must establish your position - this actually makes you feel better - more in control of your destiny.

Please do something kind for yourself today. Remember that you matter and that you deserve happiness and love - hopefully from your WH, but regardless - you deserve it!! Take care.
Fishwife

Hi to all,

good thing I talked to my kids today.
I will see them back in two weeks.
Otherwise I feel discouraged.

Tha most important part for me is improving self-esteem. I also keep guessing his EN, the ones that he'll let me fill, and I am failing miserably.

We will not go for aour morning coffee anymore. First the excuse was that he's tired after long trip, it's too early, but the one that really got me was that "you don't even drink coffee anymore",
True, I gave it up for several reasons - I thought that coffee made me nervous and edgy ( he made a comment like that in the past), I have difficulty sleeping now anyway ( previously I could barely function without coffee anyway, esp. in the morning), and the third - I whitened my teeth and I 'd like to keep them pristine for long.

So, I tried NOT to think that not having our morning time together is my fault again.

Then there is another weekend.
I asked him several days ago if we would consider a weekend away, he said maybe but that he might be busy. So I did not make nay plans. Then I thought maybe the better idea was to invite friends over ( I feel he dreads being alone with me). Well, maybe again until Friday when it was too late for invitation anyway.

I know I can't expect or hope for much.
Please think positive thoughts so I stay resolved.

Till later.
FBOW

Well,
back to my own thread.
Can't sleep again. Being lonely in every way possible. H downstairs either on the phone or the net. Would not bet not with OW.
Yesterday we exchanged probably 4 words in person. Literally. Not counting one brief phone conversation - which now I regret - I'll tell you later, see I felt increasingly more and more anxious for a past few days, let him know about the need to talk ( gently, not in a nagging or immediate way - I just said I think we should talk within the next few days - whenever you can (I said it on Saturday)).
Since then our conversations dried out COMPLETELY ( he hardly responds to goodmorning and goodnight),yet spends hours on phone with OW. I am only counting times when he does it while I am home and awake.

About my desperate phone call yesterday - it was from work about five minutes long total, I had lousy morning there too, I called his cell, he did not answer, I did not leave any message. Several minutes later he called asking what happened ( for past few months I tried NOT calling him unless some emergency). I thanked him for calling back. I told him I was feeling low, and had for few days, that I was lonely ( my friendly coworker quit last past Friday), the only other person I talk to casually but friendly had a day off, and the rest of my small office staff were very hard to deal with yesterday.
He said something like how come you have nobody to talk to. I mentioned you guys on the MB board here but that I can talk to you from the office really.
So after few sentences of me expressing my bad mood I realized he hates that. I apologized and said I try not to add to your trouble, he said " but you just do".

Which I guess is right. So I said I am sorry I'll try not to.

Which I really try. Just had such a low. I can't just call any of my friends - and what - tell them I am unhappy without giving them the full story - I feel phony anyway, have hard time talking to them about pleasant things, how I can sincerely look for support from them if they don't know and I can't tell them what's really wrong with me.

Of course I can call my friends and tell them what happened Tuesday - one of my 2 cats landed in a pond "courtesy" of some neighbor - they have been in/out cats all time they have been here with me almost 2 years, and nobody had any complaints about them roaming the neighborhood. I guess now I know somebody does have a problem.
Well I need to keep them in and train to use a leash, and watch them like babies when we are in the yard ( one is 12 year old, another fully grown too).
I bailed my cat out ( thanks to his bell and rabies tag the pond called me). It is a sad story but I am not a crazy catlady so I cannot just start sobbing and breaking out in anger to my friends pretending this event caused my outburst.
Yeah, it was stressful, for sure, more stress with leash traing and chasing escapees coming soon, but that's not WHY I need plenty of hugs and friendly listening and reassurance and advice...

Anyway thank you MBers, you are closer to me than you realize or choose to be.

I will stay on my tightrope and try not to do anything to loose my balance. I'll probably not approach H even though days pass and he does not declare his position verbally and seem to forgot my Saturday request.
Have more house work to do now that kids are home, it will fill some time.

Anyway, I feel better after this vent, will try to go back to sleep.

FBOW

PS. I did not mention that Seahorse current low did not improve my mood or outlook at all.

Dearest FBOW

I can hear that your situation is really starting to wear you down. I am so sorry. The need for conversation can be a huge factor in your relationship. I too have been struggling to get my WH to approach me to talk. It doesn't have to be an angst ridden marathon every time, but if we addressed issues as they arose, maybe they would go away and we would be able to focus on single issues instead of me rolling them all out, when I finally get the chance to. Wish I had know you were on here last night, as I had a pretty bad start to the evening too. We had a discussion, he reacted predictably and withdrew, I got angry and left the bed, (he never comes after me). Finally, I crawled back in in the early hours and put my arms around him - things improved immeasurably then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I only wish that we could have a conversation without the LB'ing.

FBOW, I know that you were thinking of taking some time away for yourself; have you done this? It sounds as if you are sinking lower and lower. Perhaps a chance to think clearly - explore your feelings and situation without any pressure, would help you to formulate a plan? Remember that Plan A is about improving yourself and your homelife NOT about being a doormat for a cake-eater! Somewhere on this site someone wrote that setting boundaries is not LB'ing - it is preserving the love you still have for your WS because you know how far they can go before it's gone. Forgive me, but it sounds like he is the one setting the boundaries - you are apologising for your feelings and he even gets to snipe at you for feeling them!

What is it that you want, FBOW? You have needs too and perhaps it's time he heard about them? I do so hope that you can talk soon and relieve some of the pressure and pain you are feeling. I am around today if you need to talk. I am thinking of you.
Fishwife

Hi Fishwife,

You surprised me with your quick post, thank you so much, I keep foergetting we are something like 8 hours apart...

Well you looking from an outside seem to see things realistically how they are.

Yes, I am definitely not the one setting boundaries, never been ( that's what I think, but H did remark few months ago that I am controlling (esp toward 15yo) and reaching into his zones). I think I can't all of a sudden begin setting boundaries as I am afraid this would be a big LB ( plan A at work).

Conversation really does not rank that high on my EN scale. I try to get better at it because I am pretty sure it is an important need for him, OW fills it so well, and I was always bad at it. That's plan A too.

As for doing something for me I want to go this Friday for 80's band concert. The only problem I have is that it will bring sweet memories of our dating and me being sooo in love with my H.

I don't want to take off for a weekend since I got my girls home earlier ( this was actually proof that persistance does pay off - after several weeks of almost daily calls to the airline, I found two available seats finally; they were so happy to be back home with friends and start school timely)

My H surgery went well.

I will sign up for more dance classes after current session ends this Saturday. This is another example of an activity that I enjoy but that also stirrs emotions as I am partnerless.

Generally speaking I know I don't want our M to stay the way it was before the A, I know now for sure H is capable of being emotional and open and warm ( just not toward me), and I don't want to rebuilt my protective shell I've been in for so many years. I want to continue raising our girls in the best environment, and to me it still means remaining married. He talks to them, spends time with them currently too. I do worry that they realize more that I 'd like them too - they are smart and observant.

I need admiration and also affection. Admiration I get occasionally at work, but what was missing was something like him appreciating verbally everyday efforts and occasional comment about say - my job, bonus, outfit, faucet fix, taking both cars for oil change etc.

See Fishwife I know that I can deal with realistics of life - I have not bad paying, 8-5 job, frugally could continue to pay mortgage for our home and the other bills, but who I need and who I married was a stable, supportive and decisive man, that helped me to trust the world, believe in myself and not be so pessimistic all the time. And yes, with my beliefs M is a one time forever committment.

Anyway, I am so glad for you that despite setbacks you do have good recovery.
I better try to get some sleep - my alarm clock will sound in 3 hours...
Hope to talk to you here soon

FBOW

Trying to catch up with your story after a long time. What is going on at the moment? Is your H back from his (7 week?) business trip? Did he spend this time witht the OW? Who is this 'friend' you keep referring to? Is it the OW? She is not your friend; she is your foe.

Dear Relate,
quick update.
H came back 2.5 weeks ago. He probably did spend a lot of time with OW. I did not ask he did not tell, I did not snoop. He also did not say if he decided he choses to leave or to stay. He is home now. I am sure he maintains very frequent email/phone contact but again - I do not snoop - and he does not hide from me too much while he's on the phone at weird hours. He does not look happy at all, but does not talk about his feelings.

"My friend" is really my friend from home country whom I known since we were 6. I have only seen her in person few times during past 10 years, but we are still pretty close (email, some calls). She and her husband also are friends with my husband and they known each other for over 15 years.

I am reluctant to open up for several reasons:
1. While my husbend revealed his feelings to OW I tried to be calm and not immature like 15 years ago when in crisis I confessed to person I trusted and honored a lot, and she in good faith while helping me, by disclosing my secret contributed to my H not trusting me with his feelings and affairs anymore. So on D-day I said I am going to keep this conversation to ourselves, not even hinting any problem yet to anybody, including kids and family, till he decides what his choice is. Aside from this board I remain silent.
2. So while I trust my friend I am afraid if she attempts to help me it might somehow backfire. My H while overseas visits them often. She knows quite well our quirks and practically whole M history. She probably is the only person who would understand all because she knows us so well
3.I also hope we will be able to resolve our problems and rebuild our M so I'd rather not talk because we might want to forget but others will remind us.
4.If I would confide to someone I'd like this person to be physically close in case I just need a hug or a shoulder to cry out my lows.
5. Friends I have where we live now, we also share, many of them are or used to be H coworkers. So I do not want to risk spreading gossip etc.
6. Just like the anti-d issue I feel ashamed ( I did not hear it from anybody, H including) that I am so weak to have to depend on somebody else.
See, after 15 ys of M I finally shed the "helpless only child" skin and I know I can take care of myself and my kids as well. This major project of rebuilding my self-esteem somewhat conflicts IN MY EYES with needing a shoulder to lean on.
See - MBers here are "safe" - you advise, you do not judge, and most of all you do not force your opinions or suggestions on me. Since for many years I was priding myself in being independent and able to cope with no outside help I am not sure if I can suddenly open up to people close to me with the same safety. I burned once and it still hurts.
7. I asked my H about counseling for both of us shortly before D-day, he declined. I guess I can tell him I need professional help but that he does not need to accompany me.
8. Telling my parents and IL is out of the question. They would attempt to act and solve issues for us right away which would be lethal.
9. I cope much better now than 3 months ago. But still I have those horrible downs that I have to restrain myself from approaching my H - I still consider him the first and only person I tell my problems.

I hope I will be able to continue plan A for a while. I wish H would enable me to fill his EN whatever they are. As it is now he only accepts domestic support and I do take more care about my looks. I tried conversation but it does not go well at all. SF is out of the question - he stopped being interested in me many months ago.
As for recreation - he declines offers and sometimes I just go solo or with kids.
Affection - I gave him three cards so far and even that seemed too much for him. Admiration with no conversation is diffult; while he was gone I tried to slip nice comment into some emails - he does work very hard and has a demanding position - but he refuses to discuss his workday! ( always been this way).

I also hope that maybe his increased communications with OW signify they have to deal with more real issues or maybe she is pushing him to act and he is reluctant - I do not know, I realize that I am supposed to wait and not interfere.

It is amazing how much better and clearer I feel after posting.

FBOW

Well what does he do when you are together at home? If he does not want to talk with you, try doing nice loveable things around the room where he sits. Like arrange flowers in a vase, sing or hum to yourself, make eye contact ... Talk with your body language. Touch him on his arm, wear something a little sexy ...

If you want someone to lean on, but don't want to talk to the people you know, a counselor is a good idea. I did that some time ago.

I would take off that "she helped us to communicate" bit off your subject line. She helped herself, not you.

Relate

<small>[ August 30, 2002, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>