Hi. I've been reading the posts on this board for months now, but have never posted myself. However, I've taken an interest in your story because it is so similar to mine. I have been succesfully rebuilding my marriage after a loveless affair on my husbands part that lasted for 6 months. We actually seperated for almost a year but have been back together since May, with nothing but progress. <P>I'm writing because I see something in your hubby that I just can't ignore and I feel bad for not writing to you sooner.<P>It appears to me that the problem you are having with your husband is different from the typical affair and I'm not sure that Dr. Harley's principals are exactly what you should be following. It seems to me that your husbands biggest problem is that he doesn't think you need him. When is it that he contacts you, go back and look at your posts, it is when he thinks you really need his help. This woman he is with leaves no question as to how needed he is, because she is apparrently incompetent. I definitely am not going to tell you what to do, but I think maybe if you truly expressed your need for him (not just want) things might be different. My husband was stone cold for months and then I got very ill, he immediately came to "take care of me" and it made him very happy. This was step one in our reconciliation. He still tells me that he felt completely useless in our relationship as i "took care of everything", so being with this other woman gave him the "purpose" he was missing. I am not suggesting that you fake anything, but maybe figure out a way in your relationship to lean on him. It is scary as hell to do that when things are so iffy, but maybe you should really try to let your strenth go for a little while and be vulnerable with him again.<P>Also, the fact that he doesn't want your ex to know that you are split up, shows the instability of the current situation. My husband wanted me to come stay with him for a week when his kids came to visit, because he didn't want them to know we were seperated. That is a great sign for you.<P>Any way, I wish you luck and I know I'll probably get criticized for what I'm recommending, but I just don't believe your situation fits into the Dr. Harley affair.<P>sly

Hi Sly,<P>I know this is meant for Lori, but I think I fall into your category as well. My H completely lost his self respect because of his inability to reenter the job force. I have supported us for the last 5 years. He, too, did not feel like I needed him. He also became depressed, & I ended up slowly taking over a lot of the details of our life because he withdrew. So, along, comes this needy, sick OW who inflates his ego big time, & I guess you've already guessed the rest.<P>How does one tell a spouse how much you need them, when they have convinced themselves they are a failure? They don't hear you.<P>My H has decided to try to rebuild his self esteem by getting his own apartment, and searching for a job. Somehow, he just could not bring himself to jobhunt while living in our home. A fear of failing again in front of me, embarrassment at taking a low paying job and being seen by people I know? I don't understand it and he can't explain it to me.<P>I'm afraid there are no simple answers and the solutions are probably a little different for everyone. I'm just happy that he is trying to rectify the root cause of our problem. The issue really isn't OW. It's his self esteem or lack of.<P>I'm so happy to hear that you are in recovery. I hope all is well with both of you.

Slyone - thanks for writing in. I've got to admit, it's crossed my mind. I can't count the times that I've heard:<P>She has nothing.<BR>She doesn't know how to do anything.<BR>She's never known what (insert anything) is like.<BR>She worships me. (GAG!!)<BR>I CAN MAKE HER LIFE BETTER THAN SHE EVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.<P>I've found all this really strange coming from a man I've always known as very strong and leaned on heavily during these last couple of years. That he would fall for someone and leave w/in three months of my dad's death when I needed him most. I don't know, but from some of the things he's said to his mom, you may be on to something.<P>If you have any thoughts, e-mail me please.<BR>ldodge6209@aol.com<P>Thanks.<P>Sidney - another perspective that makes an awful lot of sense. Who knows what to do!!! Thanks for writing in. <P>Lori

Sidney and I talk a lot about this has both our H are going through the same thing. Not only is it the lack of self esteem it is their age. The y feel as if they not only can't do anything but don't have enough time to change. <P>And the need thing is a big part of this lack of self. Here is someone that they are better then, and needs them to survive. We on the other hand are strong we can survive anything and since we are better then the OW we are better then they are. I know I get so confused as what to do.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hey, Di. I'm like you. I'm never sure WHAT to do. AAAAUUUGGGGHHHH!!<P>Lori

Lostva,<P>I have been thinking about all the things my husband has said to me and what made the difference between us. Also the things that I did (unknowingly) that made a difference. I don't know if my perspective will help, but atleast it can't hurt.<P>One thing H said to me was "I feel like I'm always one step behind, like your always getting things right and i'm always letting you down" "With OW it feels good to be the intelligent one, the strong one, I like being looked up to and adored." (Sounds like something women say all the time, it was so interesting to me to hear that from him, totally changed my outlook)<P>A friend of mine sent me an email, I am trying to find it but can't, titled "what men really want". And what it boiled down to was, men want to know they are appreciated, they get a strong sense of identity and manhood from their jobs and from their sense of responsibility. They want to know that they are respected, especially by their mate. I spent a week really reflecting on all the things that I adored about H. How I respected his work, his kindness his confidence, and as excessive as it seemed, I wrote them all down in a long note to H. I gave this to him one day (as you have sent notes to your H) and he called me in tears an hour later. He had absolutely no idea i felt that way. <P>I had always been very attentive to H, made love daily, told him I loved him all the time, rarely complained, but it wasn't enough. He needed to hear it just like we do, how loved and needed and appreciated he is, so when I did that, it turned things around. Now we both tell each other these things all the time. <P>A week after I sent him this letter, I got a card from him, it had two puppies curled up on each other and it said "just you, just me, just right". <P>Don't know if any of this helps, but it feels kind of good to write it all down. <P>Oh, I just found that email, i'm going to post it under a new post cuz it's kinda long. Good luck to you Lostva.

Responded to your other post, too.<P>I am just remembering that besides being a brazen hussy, my H's OW had made a complete mess of her life and was NEEDY.<P>In fact when I asked him to sum up in one word what he felt for her he said "compassion".<P>My H values self-sufficiency and I aways thought he liked seeing me as self sufficient. He doesn't even appear to like it when I ask him to open a jar. However, hmmm...does his actions speak otherwise?<P>I'm going to think about this. I think I shower him with respect and support, and I certainly tell him I need his love and appreciate how he provides for his family, etc...but maybe I avoid telling him or asking him for physical help because I think he values self-suffiency and maybe I am over compensating.<P>Hmmm...<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13