Are there stages to withdraw just like there are stages to recovery? <P>It was 25 weeks yesterday since d-day (but who's counting). Lately my wife has been having headaches, stomaches, and many times she is exhausted at the end of the day. I was wondering if these physical conditions are normal? These are many of the same physical conditions she was going through prior to me opening my eyes to what was going on. <P>Like I said, it has been nearly 6 months since I discovered by wife's 6+ month affair with a co-worker. She is still going through a "decision-making time" and has work contact with the OP. She has told me there is no physical contact since the discovery. She continues to live at home. Except for a few people, the affair is not known by our boys, our families, friends, or neighbors. In fact, that seems to be one of her fears, that this will come to light. <P>She has told me that she doesn't see herself anywhere but at home with the boys and I, but this entire incident lingers on. Over the past few weeks she has talked about a summer vacation, doing things with the boys this spring and summer, changing some things around the house, and decorating the house differently next Christmas. As I hear her say these things I become confused and frustrated at her indecision. I think if she is so sure about these things, then what are we going through? <P>We are going through counseling, both individually and jointly, though it is more individual right now. The counselor noted that what we're dealing with is more her issues than things with me and how I treated her or our marriage. That makes me feel better but is also very confusing. She really hasn't opened up and seems to be content with the status quo. I'm in a Plan A mode and actually doing very well right now. She seems to be responsive to how I'm treating her. Last week she noted that she couldn't believe how patient I've been with all this. Last night, before going to sleep, she told me what a great weekend she had had. That made me feel real good. <P>I am I wrong to feel optimistic about these things? Funny how I find myself looking for silver linings in everything. Seems like I have a tendency to over-analyze things at this point. I sure will be glad to get over this stage in this process.<P>Has anyone had any experiences with the amount of time this decision-making process takes, is the longer it goes on better or worse for the existing marriage? I know that I would think the longer we are together, the harder it would be to leave the family. Also, the longer she takes, I would think the more likely the OP will get tired of waiting. He is going through a divorce (sped up by this event), and has moved to an apartment. Sopposedly, he is also actively seeking a new job and will be leaving her workplace soon. I can certainly hope so. <P>I apoligize for the rambling, can't really tell if I'm having a good day or not, and this is one way to get those feeling out. I look forward to your responses.

I think you have a couple good signs:<P>One, that your wife is afraid of the affair coming to light. I know when I had my affair, I wanted the OM so badly that I didn't care if anybody knew.<P>Also, the fact that your wife is planning for the future...even little things like decorating. Again...when I had my affair I had just moved to a new house...I didn't decorate or buy anything new for the house. I didn't plan anything for the future. I felt there was no point on planning my future with my husband when I was so sure I wanted to leave. I felt guilty about making any plans with him when I thought I'd leave him.<P>Your wife may not be 100% sure of what she wants...but, I think your counselor has a good point about her dealing with her issues rather than with you.<P>Keep giving her reasons to have great weekends with her...it will make her decision easier.

Holly, thanks for the reply. I know that I think I'm seeing positives, but it's difficult to really be sure. <P>How long was your affair, and did you go through a period of withdraw. It seems that is where my wife is but I'm not sure. It's so confusing and also so very hard to wait. I'm trying to be patient with her but there are days when I just wish it was all over.<P>I waas wondering, how receptive were you to getting information from books or even a site like this. My wife hasn't sought information on what she's going through. Her reply is always, "I'm not to that point yet." When does that end? Her usual reply right now is followed with, "I still have feelings for the OP." I always want to say that until you stop contact with him you will have feelings, but I bite my tongue. I don't want it to sound like I'm lecturing. <P>I appreciate your perspective, especially to understand how willing you were to have it out in the open. Did you decide to end the affair? Are you working on your marriage? Your story didn't appear on the profile so I wasn't sure where you are in all this. <P>Again thanks for the words of encouragement, they really help.

The actual physical affair was very short lived. It started the end of May, he tried to leave his wife the beggining of June and contact with him ended mid-September. But, before the physical affair started I had grown very emotionally dependent on the OM.<P>Oh, yes I definately went through a period of withdrawal. Took sleeping pills and St. John's Wort like they were going out of style...it took every ounce of my being to get out of bed and attempt to crack a smile.<P>I started coming to the Marriage Builders site the end of August. I needed help because I couldn't let go of the OM...he kept telling me how much he missed me and how he was afraid if he divorced it would be too late for us. I kept going back for more hanging on to the hope that we would one day be together. I became so obsessed with figuring out what would happen with the OM that I neglected figuring out what I wanted with my husband.<P>The OM wanted to continue to remain friends...but, all I wanted was a decision and to go on with my life. Yes, at the time, I wanted to go on with my life with the OM...but, I wasn't willing to have my life in limbo...so I had to make the decision to let him go forever.<P>I also read many books..."Surviving the affair" was one of them. In reading this book I realized that my situation wasn't as unique as I thought it was and it put alot of things in perspective for me.<P>You are so right about her feelings not ending for the OM if she still has contact with him. It's going to be difficult for her to be content with a decision as long as he is still in her life.<P>Yes, I suppose I'm working on my marriage (although, we aren't attending counseling). We have really worked out some issues. Things are better, but...I still struggle with getting the OM out of my head.<P>I think your wife could benefit from posting here and reading some books on affairs. Even if she doesn't post...she could lurk. It's never to soon to look for help.<P>I'm not sure what her current situation is with the OM. Is he married? Is he fighting for her?<BR>

The key is... if its not broke then don't fix it. It seems as if you are doing exactly what you should be doing, so keep it up.<P>As far as the withdrawl, yes I believe there is different stages, and since your W still works with this OP then it makes it alot harder for her. Be patient, it would seem as if you are doing a great job, just keep doing it. <P>Withdrawl affects everyone differently but I know my H had a terrible time of it. It hurt me that my H was mourning and pining over this OW but now he doesn't understand what he was thinking. <P>Just hang in there, you'll make it.<P>Genie

I agree she could benefit from this site, but how do I get her here without making it seem like I'm trying to influence her? I've tried to give her book chapters, articles, posts, etc., but she's really not interested. She either says, "I'm not to that point yet," or "that doesn't pertain to my situation." From my perspective, our situation is "textbook" and these things match with much similarity. <P>I know that she still sees him. It's funny though, once she was telling me how she was feeling pressured by me but how he was willing to wait. She went to to say, "it really doesn't matter to him what I decide to do." Well, that really floored me. I thought, here you are willing to sacrifice everything we have, including our two boys, for someone who really doesn't care? If he doesn't care, what is she really dealing with? I don't know if he's actively pursuing, but he's still around. <P>He's in the process of divorcing, after a 7+ year marriage. According to his wife the divorce should be finalized late 1999 or early 2000. (yes I have occassional conversations with his wife.) One of my hopes is that he will tire of the waiting game once he is out of his marriage. I really can't understand my wife's thinking about him, he cheated on his wife. then again, my wife cheated also. Anyway, my wife said earlier that his divorce is not a factor in her decision. Guess we'll just have to wait and see. <P>One thing that's bothering me this morning is the change in the morning routine. She left about 10 minutes early. Said she needed to get caught up at work. I believed her until I saw she went a different way to work. I was told that she had picked him up when his car was in the shop about two months ago. My thought is that she did the same thing again today. I drove by her work and her car was in the lot but his was not. Sure got me thinking. From your perspective should I confront this issue (i.e., my doubts) of should I let it go. Could make things tense again and also cause a scene. (last night was pleasant and we had a good time wrapping presents together and we're planning on another night like that this evening.) I'm inclined to leave the sleeping dog lie right now. <P>As you went about making your decision was it sudden or did it involve a slow change in your thinking? I mean, she has been much more herself around me lately, and even cuddles when we're in bed, interlocks arms when we are sleeping, and has let me touch her more. I'm thinking that these are positive changes, but it sure seems slow. Your thoughts/ comments are greatly appreciated.