Hi Seahorse,
so good to hear from you.
I know "everything will fall into place", as Sue says, it's just that I feel so tired, exhausted, clueless what to try next. So, "easy" way, I am working again on my weight (same 10 pounds reappeared during winter). Together with my friend, who looks perfect, but she quit smoking recently so the time in the gym will keep her away from her vice as well.

I can't believe I survived last year. And I am not in a bad mental shape either, compared to last May.

Will see what the counselor says. I am going to tell her what "I wish my H would say/do" and to ask her honest opinion if this is feasible, in what time frame, and is there anything I could do to help it happen. I still remember about the contolling issues, just myself, not anybody else.
I still believe if my H would talk and honestly disclose his needs and wants, we could make it.

Oh well. I will keep posting.
I wish you well re: financial arrangements and other "earthy" stuff. I am so glad you are seeking right connection with another person.
Take care,
FBOW

Hi SS, Sue, Seahorse,

well I had quite a weekend. Sunday I felt really down because once again somehow I was excluded from "family" movie outing. It usually happens like this, the outing is semi-planned, but my H says he doesn't want to go, he is supposed to drop off the kids only, I stay home, and then everybody shows up 3 hours later... Anyway, called my friend, got over the pain of rejection again.

Next day in the morning had to run quickly with my young one with bad ear ache, got pain meds and antibiotics, sat down home to read my emails and there it was. Email from OW.
Quite long, very gentle and apologetic, asking for forgiveness, but obviously showing her point of view of the whole situation. She added she would understand if I didn't answer or wasn't able to forgive her. She stated that she and H are "just friends" now (per his request) and she asked me not to take this friendship away from her , but she still loves him and always will, but she's very sorry for all the pain they caused.

Well, I was not sure if and how to answer. If you read my very early posts, this email was almost exatcly confirming what I thought had happened.
I wrote back, saying I do not hate her, I wish her well in life, thanked her for her wishes that we'll make it with my H, agreed with her that last year was a lesson in life for me as well. I declined to comment any further on any past or currrent or future events.

I did not comment on her praise of my H as a good, family man, or her desire that I'll let them stay friends.

I can't heal with hatred in my heart ( actually I mostly felt hurt and pain, not anger or hate).
I just don't trust her and don't want to waste energy I need for myself and my family. She wrote she asked my H to stop avoiding talking to me, that he owes me that, but she says he's not ready and asked me to be patient if I can. She wrote it in really nice and straightforward way.
How ironic if my M is still ruled by her...

I told my H she wrote to me and that I wrote back but did not tell him what about. I told him that those matters are really between him and me to solve, and we need to deal with them and talk about it sometime soon.

I know I should not write to her anymore, and I don't think I will. I was going to wait till after upcoming anniversary ( I am not going to initiate anything, no card this year) anyway with another attempt to talk to my H.
Then maybe I will be able to communicate how uneasy and difficult it is for me to know H wants to remain friends with a woman who still loves him ( and "always will"). Again I can't demand to stop it but I sure will ask.

Anyway I think I did OK. I am not a saint and I am not able to embrace somebody who is still hurting me, but I do know I made my share of mistakes and I hope to be forgiven for those as well.

All the best to all of you
Till later
FBOW

FBOW,

You did better than I would have. I know my response would have been a major LB.

I would have let her have it with both barrels and reloaded to give it to her again.

You are very amazing. Your inner strength is astounding.

I'm sorry you were left out of the movies, does your H know how you feel about this?

Hi Sue, thanks for being here tonight.
I hope your leg does not hurt.

You know sometimes I don't know for sure what my H realises and what not. I swear I asked him few days ago if there is any movie he'd like to see and the answer was no.
And the very evening of the outing I asked everybody if we all were going to the movies and the answer was collective maybe....
He also must know that
1. I like coffee IN Starbucks but also coffee FROM Starbucks ( in case he just goes there by himself)
2. I'd love to receive a phone call from him around lunchtime...
3. When he's making tea for himself I'd like to be offerred one as well.

Those are "little" things right now though.
He's home and he often responds. I think he's been really depressed for a long time. I am afraid to suggest meds or counseling (just him, not us together, I go alone).

See Sue he is smart and reliable, just so stubborn and introvert ( at least with me).
I think I better go to sleep.
Good night
FBOW

Well, other than screaming at the top of your lungs, "THE NEXT TIME YOU GUYS GO TO A MOVIE, ASK ME IF I WANT TO GO TOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!. (Does not sound like your style). (More my style with lots of sarcasm thrown in) I don't know what else you can do. I thought you were direct enough that you wanted to go.

Does he know that when he stops at Starbucks you want him to bring you one back too? My H is pretty good about that stuff.

He just does not tell me "I love you", "you are beautiful", "I could not have done better", you know, the verbal stuff we like to hear.

I'm not in much of a mood these days. So this is the best I can do right now

Hi to all,
not much to tell you about.
My H is away for few days for a business trip (but not too far from home). What really saddened me he did not hug me nor let me hug him goodbye - that was different from previous goodbyes.
I have really hard time spotting ANY signs of his choice to stay other than physical presence in the same home.
I am too tired and reluctant to initiate anything right now. So I guess it's good that he's not around.
I have one more counseling session before his return.
Also the M anniversary is coming up. As much as I wish things like that would not make me anxious, they do.
I asked him to call or email me as it makes his trips easier on me. I doubt he wants to do anything for me though.
Like he is mad that I did not ask him to leave.

I also started noticing how many couples I know are struggling with M, and how few seem to be happy.

I wonder if my behavior during H affair changed his assesment of my trustworthiness, ability to keep word, being patient. Little he does and nothing he says suggests that.

I also wonder if maybe guilt stops him from opening up. I think it is more the sadness and anger he gave up OW who loves him and he loves her and maybe hate toward me that I did not kicked him out. I know there is no way for me to change his feelings or attitude. He has no interest in any type of physical contact with me. For me it is getting to the unbearable point. And I am afraid that me beginning by suggesting he gets tested for STD will push him away further. But I am really afraid to wait for him to initiate anything and THEN tell him I am worried about the diseases.
I kind of think I keep worrying too far in advance though.

How I wish to go to sleep for a really, really long time and wake up miracously in a happier M!

I signed up for gym with my girlfriend. My younger one will spend some time ther doing her activities there too, as soon as school is out.
Older one is in full blown teenager mode, with relationship, friendship, self image issues, I know this is what she needs to become an adult, I despise the timing though. Well she did not plan it.

Well that's it for tonights ramblings.

FBOW

FBOW, well I have not read your whole thread, but I am glad to see that you are still trying.

Fishwife and I are still trying and I think doing rather well. We moved house 3 months ago and then had our baby Christened in the garden so there was a load of prep for that. As I said, the PC is now up and working and I let my W know that you were still around and should drop you a line.
We are trying to emmigrate to the USA but it is not that easy. After the most fantastic holiday in Texas, we both feel that we could start again there and be very happy. It may take a few years though, but we have something to work for and focus on.

Now onto your thread, I know that there is a load of history here that I dont know, and I might not be qualified to talk, but I honestly think that any sort of contact your H is having with OW is bad news. The possibility of slipping back into old ways for him will be too easy. As for her, may be you should go round there and clip her one on the ear, a wake up call, or something. She may sound polite,etc in her email, but may be she is just trying to recieve your blessing and consent to further contact. I am gald you didnt comment on it.

Well, I will say bye for now. Good luck.

Hi FBOW,
I would like to comment line by line on about the last three or four of your posts. I usually need a lot of time to think about yours, I can't do good ones to you off the cuff. I have another trip away tomorrow afternoon and I have too many things left undone -.

I suppose I am saying that because I want you to know I care, and I don't feel I have helped much lately. That always bothers me.

Let me comment on a few things.

You are opening up more now than you have for some time. Do you understand why?

I would send OW a copy of SAA and tell her that without NC your marriage will probably not ever heal. Ask her for help. Take whatever help you can get, any way you can get it. Tell her about her withdrawl, and that she will get through it better if she goes to NC herself for her own healing. Tell her that she needs someone that can be all hers, and that she ought too look for that person and leave your H alone so his marriage can get back on track. Don't leave this one hanging, or she will think you agree with the just friends thing.

What would be worse, getting an STD from H and having it affect you for the rest of your L, or telling him you need him to be tested and having him leave because of that. If he does leave over that, I believe it wouldn't have worked anyway. AT least not for you, and your needs count too. Make a list of what you need for things to work out, and have it ready. I don't believe you should take only a small bit of what you need just to keep him there as a roomate and part time father. If this is to work, you will have to have that talk sometime.

I suggest telling him ( written or in person) that you can't ( and won't) continue with things like they are, and you want to talk about making things better, of failing that, divorce. Tell him that you expect one or the other. You prefer improvement, and make sure he knows that. Are you strong enough now to do something like this? Do you feel you can go on in limbo? Do you see signs of change in him so that you feel to continue as you have been?

If he is in withdrawl then you can give him time to get through it, and then when he starts to warm up you can talk, but YOU need something more than limbo for yourself.

I hope I help, not cause more doubt. I still believe in your ability to work through this.

I wish I had more time to explain why I think as I do. For now, I'll leave you to ponder some more. You do sound better and more sure of YOU. I hope this is true and not just my imagination.

SS

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi,

SS, thank you for you well thought out post. I hope you do realize how your presence tremendously assisted my last year's journey.
I am very grateful for what you post, what you ponder, what you pray about.

I am not sure why I am more open that I used to. Maybe it is because I know for sure this is my reality and I don't have a lot more to loose.
Or maybe because I grew stronger, less fearful, more patient and calm. There are better and worse days though.

Thank you for your suggestions re OW.
I am not going to contact her now or in the near future. I am still suspicious that her email was sort of a request for blessing of her love to my H, their friendship etc. If she really thought everything over and realized they did not stop while they could, how she can think it is OK for them to continue friendship,; more so that I would be OK with it.
I am sure she is grieving a lot, and yes I do believe she would heal faster and was ready and open for another R without any contact with my H. Who am I though to tell her or preach to her. If anything I think my H should tell her that, and it is him who could use my books. I don't think she knows English.

On the other subject, I had really good talk with my older D, hopefully now I know better ways to approach and solve issues with her, and since she's a lot like my H, I could use this lesson to better approach him as well.

And today is our 16th anv. I invited my H for dinner. I did not give or get any card, and I was not telling why the invitation but he asked so I simply told him "b/c it is our anniversary".

Will see how it goes. I am not planning on any R talk unless he starts it (0.00001% chance????).

I will try to look good and smile a lot nonfake smiles.

I am happy cause my D got ger drivers permit ( with DMV test) today. She's proud. I'm proud too.
Will think later about insurance, car acess etc.

Initdeep,
I am glad you responded to me. I am sure you have your own set of issues still to deal with. As always, I appreciate all the input from male/WS side I can get, especially re restoring M, communicating needs, expressing feelings ( guilt, hurt, insecurity etc.)
I wish You and Fishwife all the best re your relocation and other family plans.
Till later,
FBOW

FBOW,
How's our couragous gal, that doesn't realize how good she really is?

I am glad daughter is doing well, it has to help you out a little bit.

The Anniv must not have been really good, or you would have said something. I know things have been low for so long you don't like to come back and report no change - or downturns. We don't think any less of you when things don't work well. Do you realize that?

Lately I haven't felt I could do much for you, but I still pray.

SS

HI SS,

it will be bitter post.
I don't feel strong or curageous at all.
I can't think of any attempt in last two months that was successful.
The dinner happenned , no conversation, no cards, no toast ( other than mine towards his business ventures), can't talk about anything, R or nor R, even remarks about construction site visible out the window were quipped by no, I don't know, so, etc.
No way to discuss any ideas of his how to arrange for time spend together. Felling awkward sharing my proposal for a daily email or phone call if face to face is to hard. Then next day I learn for sure he doesn't want to spend any vacation time with me. Just kids.
Tell me about rejection.
Then he has no time, always busy, always on computer or asleep. I can't negotiate 15 min per week, how can I even dream of 15 HOURS.
See I started going to gym in order to get home about two hours after he does, I hoped he will finish his computer time by then.
Nooooo.
I stop by his home office to say hi, angry look, can't you see I am busy ( I asked if I can join him there). 2 minutes later he leaves, goes upstairs, lies down on bed - taking a nap? - I follow him BEFORE he's asleep, the moment I enter the room he angrily loudly says can't you leave me alone.

See, SS, I would understand and I did left him alone before. But now after over a year I am exhausted and - supposedly- he CHOSE to stay with me, right?

I don't think I can stand this rejection, coldness, indifference, cruelty anymore.

WHY WHY he did not leave last year. WHY WHY he said it would be awful for me to leave.
WHY WHY he won't go to doctor of specialty of his choice - therapist, psychologist, sex therapist - anybody.

WHY he tells me I am "interrogating" him when I have hardly a chance to ask him if he will eat dinner tonight.
Why in the morning he passes me in silence getting to the bathroom downstairs and NEVER says hello first. All THAT while stating ( at least last time we talked about that) that I am not doing anything wrong, that he does not hate me.

I know - Harleys explain wiithdrawal well, that it can last 3 weeks on average, and any contact starts the cycle again and again.
I bet he emails/talks to her daily. So why I am surprised.

SS, it is so unfair. Why I have to be the one dragging kids into this mess. They already are aware things are not right.
I told my therapist that if I find a tenant I will buy myself a year of patience. She said she rarely sees anybody fighting longer than six months.
SS, so far I am OK with everything I said and did. I don't want to mess it up. I am so afraid of throwing in the towel and moving out.

Please, please pray, 'cause patience and logic and warmth seem to make no difference.

Don't worry when I am quiet.
I feel better after this vent. I am afraid you too will suggest plan B. Sorry to disappoint you but I don't feel ready.

I know everybody is right by saying the more I cling, the further he wants to run.
I don't know how much more time do I have with myself.

FBOW

FBOW,
I am leaving in the morning, but I will try and come around when I get back. Right now I am too tired to do this the right way.

I meant what I said, and I hope you don't think I am making it up. If you didn't have courage, you would have left a long time ago.

If some day you give up on him, please don't give up on you, because you are worth more than that.

SS

Hi FBOW,

There comes a time when you have to start showing selfishness. Start thinking what you want, and do it. I say this because I understand you frustation. I know I am at this point myself.

There comes a time when you have to evaluate what you want, what is important and stand your ground.

When I see pain like exists in your last post, I wish I could do something -

I continue to pray for you often.

See, SS, I would understand and I did leave him alone before. But now after over a year I am exhausted and - supposedly- he CHOSE to stay with me, right?

It's the "noble" thing to do, so I suspect he feels like a martyr - and he's acting like one too. Maybe you could get him a badge from a costume shop somewhere. " Woe is me, for I am a martyr. I have to live with my wife and children who love me dearly."

I keep wanting to comment on your whole post line by line but the feeling persists that I ought not to do that right now.

I think you should do something different. Would you make a list for me of the things you have been doing - then figure out how not to do some of them? You don't have to show it here, just do it for you.

What I mean is - if you have been trying to spend time with him, then avoid him. If you have tried to talk to him often, give him very short and to the point answers. If you have been cooking nice meals, give him ramen or hot dogs or something simple for every meal.

Have you done that yet?

If what you are doing is not working, try something different.

I realize you don't want to do plan B. I believe I understand why.
If you can't turn everything around, at least do some of the major ones. My father used to say you can talk to anyone if you can figure out how to get their attention first. See if you can get his attention.

FBOW, it has seemed to me that you are made of steel, but even that will break under stress and pressure. ( And yes, I know you don't feel strong, but you have to be, and you are.)

I am not suggesting that you be sarcastic, or act bitter. Just cease to be there for SOME things he has counted on you for. You can start small and see where it goes. I would start with conversation and affection - don't talk to him, and don't stroke his ego.

I hope your session tonight helps, and I hope I don't go off in a direction you are not comfortable with. I would be surprised if some bitterness did not creep in to your posts. It has been a long struggle.

Lets say all your feelings in that post are true - what next? You can't continue forever like you are, and you don't want plan B, so where do you expect to go next?

Is much of the problem that you know where you have to go, and you don't want to go there?

I believe you know more logically than you can accept emotionally. At least about what direction you need to go.
You have already prepared for the worst, but I don't see that the worst has taken place yet, so perhaps try some other less drastic measures and see what happens.

I only offer suggestions, I would really like to see your emotions get some rest.

I realize I have been sitting here for more than 5 minutes wondering how to communicate - care? concern? I can't find the right word. I know that we can't fix it, can't make you feel better, can't take the pain away - but we support you as best we can with a keyboard and prayer.

I have faith in you because I have watched you continue. I hope you believe in yourself as strongly as I believe in you.

SS

Hi SS,

You said you have faith in me because you have watched me continue. And that you I believe in me and pray for me often. So please don't ever think you are not helping me. I am here to fix myself, not my H, and if my M would be fixed alongside, that would be great.

So let me tell you - I am hanging in there. Giving him time and trying to leave him alone - as he asks for that, and also since he has no desire to do much with me anyway.

I think I'd get renters soon - maybe even next week. I lowered the price and this generated lots of interest and applications.
You asked me where do I expect to go next.

Well, by having the property rented I am choosing to stay in the same houshold with H for one year.
He does believe I am the one with a problem and he does not offer any help with solving it or even less discussing it ( quote" I'm not a psychologist") and he refuses to go to the therapy as a couple nor read the books I left in the drawer.

I noticed he was talking on the phone to OW so afterwards I reminded him how sad and nervous it makes me and maybe there might be something he could discuss with me instead. I guess it just annoyed him.

I wonder if any WS all of a sudden can realize how harmful the continuing contact really is for everybody involved. Nobody moves forward, everybody feels bad. I doubt without any outside impact the situation will change.
Maybe H vacationing with oldest D alone will have some effect. Or maybe he will meet OW again as again he will be able to and something happens?
I am still OK with myself regarding most everything I'd done or said since the D-day.
Then I have my life intentionally split again into smaller tasks now- rental, then workwise - negotiating better pay, then exercising and slimming down.
It is a vicious cycle you know - I am so darn unhappy and food is really such an available, reliable , is short lived fix.
I actually talked about my difficulty in recognizing any joyous activity with my therapist. Like it is a waste of time and money for me going away vacationing on my own. Anything I think of and then try seems so artificial.

I am catching moments of joy here and there though. Both kids got great grades, kind of not avoid talking to me, share more, care more about what I ask them to do.

People liked the paint job and how clean and new my rental looks. And I know it was only me and my time and elbow grease. And I know this one "B" my daughter got was a "D" two mnoths prior and it was me who she shared it with, and it was me who did not yell but encouraged and rewarded her for her efforts.

My friend visited me too. Too bad she had to cut her visit short due to her son getting sick. I enjoyed sitting at the table together, talking and eating, getting little compliments for food or drinks I prepared.

I still need lots of reassurance to get my self esteem in better shape.
I have to remember to enjoy little things, not to constantly keep the unhappy large picture in mind, and stop as-ifffing the worst possible scenarios. When I see the therapist in the next three weeks, I'll ask her about antidepressants or any othe medication she might find suitable for me.

See, SS, nothing new really. Just me and my struggles.
Have a good weekend.
FBOW

FBOW,

One day I was thinking about happiness.

Now there is a difference between someone else being the source of our happiness. We all need to seek and make our selves happy. However, the ones we love can be the cause of our unhappiness. There is a difference. If we rely on the other to make us happy, then we are not taking responsibility for our happiness. When you love someone, and they made promises to us, their actions can make us unhappy, whereas, if they were not there, we would eventually be happy.

I came up with this because many times H makes comments that he makes me unhappy, which he does. This week when he was gone, was a great week for me. I was down some when I wondered if she was with. For the most part, I did not give him much thought.

Hi FBOW, just dropping in before I sign off for a while, as I am moving house.

I think SS was right on one thing, if what you're doing isn't working and your getting frustrated then change what your doing. If however, for the moment, the situation suits you (and I don't mean that in a bad way- I mean that its buying you time to sort yourself out). You will know when your ready to make a move, you will know it in your heart just remember to listen. But even if you don't listen, eventually you will know as your heart will scream it at you.

Good luck
CYA soon

Hello FBOW,
When I think of you, I wonder if you get enough happiness lately. I don&#8217;t know how to say this&#8230;&#8230;..lets just say I worry how happy you are from day to day. I wish your H would worry about it, I know that would help.

You are not the one with the problem.
Let&#8217;s see, he goes outside the marriage and has an affair, and he says you are the one with the problem.
Buzzzzzzzzz ( the buzzer goes off)
Wrong answer.
Now, I know all of us have things we can do better, and you and I do also, but for someone having an affair to say you are the problem &#8211; It sounds like fog to me.

I am glad you told him how you feel when he communicates with OW. I believe you did the right thing in asking to talk to you instead. I wish he would. If it annoyed him, he will make up things if he can&#8217;t find anything else. It is necessary for him to maintain the charade. How else can he continue to blame you for everything?

Don&#8217;t worry so much about the weight/food cycle. Do the best you can, but don&#8217;t get stressed about it. I am glad you are doing well with the girls. I hope that they do extra well now when you can use some support. That has to mean a lot to you when you count your blessings. If you examine your life, there are many things you are doing right. You know that is the truth. I am glad your friend visited, I hope she told you how valuable you are also.

I still need lots of reassurance to get my self esteem in better shape.
I have to remember to enjoy little things, not to constantly keep the unhappy large picture in mind, and stop as-ifffing the worst possible scenarios. When I see the therapist in the next three weeks, I'll ask her about antidepressants or any other medication she might find suitable for me.

Think about the things you have done the last year. Even with this mess your H has created, you are doing very well. You don&#8217;t feel like it, because you cope with the emotions daily, but look at the results. Your daughters are responding, you have another home that can be used if you need it. You are finding ways to improve yourself emotionally. Sue and I can see growth. I think you can too. If you can&#8217;t, just look at your last post again. If your therapist suggests anti d&#8217;s I think you ought to try them, in many cases it can and does change your world for the better and enables you to cope.

See, SS, nothing new really. Just me and my struggles.

I am always glad to hear more about what you are doing. It gives me a better idea of what to say. It&#8217;s not the &#8220;same old thing&#8221; when I read your posts. I see hope for you, perhaps even for your M. It is hard to know, isn&#8217;t it. I do believe you personally will do well, I am sure of it. I hope you have faith in yourself. You need it, and you have every right to believe in YOU. Your success cannot be measured by how others around you live their lives, any more than we would consider Jesus Christ a failure because of the failure of some who associated with him. I know that doesn&#8217;t take away the pain, but it is the truth.

You need to start making plans for your own bright future. You were created to be a happy person, and you can be again.

Would you do something for me?
Would you get some paper and make a list of the bad things that have come into your life starting with your H&#8217;s A, and then also the positive things that have happened to you, or that you have accomplished in the last year. You don&#8217;t have to tell them all to us, but I want you to see the big picture. I bet the positive list is the longest by far. I bet it is. Please don&#8217;t let your H&#8217;s problems destroy your happiness.

Life&#8217;s problems won&#8217;t go away any time soon, but you can be happy anyway. Smile when you read this, remember who you are. You were not born to fail, you were born to succeed. You can succeed, and I believe you will succeed. I also believe your list will help you see why I think that.

SS

Hi SS,
thank you once again for taking time and thought to post to me.

I was thinking if you and your wife would consider having lunch with me sometime mid July.
Judging by your posts at other places, a location between Mesquite and North Rim might work for you.

I loved Bryce and Zion and thought about visting again by myself when my H and daughters are away.

I totally understand if you'd prefer not to.

I am making myself quiet. My older D can't wait for her vacation with Dad and families back home are thrilled they will be able to see her. My younger one will be at summer camp.
I feel like I have to focus on myself, my job, my rental to stay sane. I "bothered" my H again today with concerns that my ideas how to spend time together, attempts to talk about non-R subjects fail due to his lack of time or interest and this worries and stresses me, as the only thing I know he wants from me is "to be left alone". I told him I miss time with him, physical contact, honesty, and that currently despite my therapy I can hardly deal with those frustrations. I said I will not "bother" him again before the trip and that hopefully time away from me will facilitate more willingness to spend time together afterwards. I think he doubts I can do that. I just want to make sure that my aloofness will not be read as disinterest in M, and accepting current situation, which I told him.

I probably will be pouring my heart again here instead. I am tired and my patience hardly catches up with passing time.
My therapist can't prescribe meds and I despise the thought of searching for a specialty doctor.

I am still helping with his business ideas, even though I get the tedious tasks and rarely any appreciation. I find some joy in that I can still be creative, and learn quickly.

My boss 2 weeks ago expressed that he's pleased with quality and efficiency of my work, I do hope some money will follow at the review time.
I am frustrated at work too, as it seems no matter what I do and how fast, they'd like to outdo myself again and again.

On the bright note I will visit my girlfriend in CA in about 6 weeks ( me and my Ds). Her boys and my Ds get along well, despite time and distance now between us.
Yes, SS, I see the positive changes within me in the past year. I am going to push myself where I know I could do better.
I am only accountable for myself.
FBOW

Hi FBOW,

I know what you mean by they want you to do better and better at work. I once worked for a fortune 500 company and they based next years chance for a bonus on this years improvments. It got so you had to work 24/7 just to stay even. I'm not there any more, so I don't worry about it any longer.

I never did understand why you are not going on vacation with H and daughter. Is it because he just said no? Or is it because you didn't want the stress?

W says "sure, might as well."

I hope you get some emotional rest while H is gone. At least you know he has daughter with him.
You won't be so pressed for time. Take some time to think about your future. I don't bet you get much time to think the way it has been. Just sit somewhere, maybe in the sun. Let your mind wander. When thoughts of your troubles come, let them go, don't entertain them. You have many possibilities, let your mind play with those. I sometimes think we don't meditate enough. We are always to pushed for time. See where your mind leads you - I think it will help you get direction and to focus when your family returns.

Remember your successes, realize that is the real you, the one that succeeds. Don't look at others failures as your own, for they are not.

There are many paths that you could take, why not choose one of happiness?

SS

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>