Today I came to my own personal realization that I am not ready to deal with this right now. I have decided to not post here for now. I may continue to read, but I will not post. I seem to be unable to comunicate my feelings accurately without making others here confused or angry. This is not the fault of anyone but me. I have also decided that I will not be staying at home. I am hoping to make arrangements somehow to leave after Christmas. I want my children to have some normalcy during this time that is special to them. I hope that you all continue to get good things from this site as I have. I guess that I am just too much involved with my own feelings of guilt and whatever else is in there. This is where I become a quitter and give up. Please feel free to respond to Nicole, because I feel that she really needs you guys. She doesn't feel that she can post here honestly because she knows that I will read it. We tried the "no reading" thing once before, and you all remember the outcome. I hope that she can post more honestly if I am not here. What can I say, other than goodbye to you "Momma", Mitme ( thanx darlin'), and all of you guys that have been really cool about being honest. Frank, I hope this doesn't solidify your Pu**y theory. I am certainly immature in some aspects of my dealing with feelings, ie; quick to anger, rash decisions, etc. Once again this may be evidence of that. This decision has been in my mind for a while now, with the thinking that the whole ordeal that I have created is just too much for Nicole to deal with, having to see me daily. I can't really think of much else on this subject. I apologize for appearing to twist words and thoughts. This isn't my intention, it's simply to convey the thoughts that I have about cetain "goings on" in our struggle. I am responsible for what has happened to us, I take full responsibility for my actions. I do not want to continue hurting Nicole with my statements, just as I do not want to be hurt by her accusations and staements about my being "unable to think straight". I am me and I will do things in my way. I can not do things exactly the way everyone wants me too, all of the time. This is getting to be a big rambling, run on post and I am very upset right now. I will end by saying goodbye once again, and take care.<P>Arik

You have to do what you have to do.<P>But I'm not crazy about it. You said it was hard for Nicole to see you daily and see what you're going through. Honey, I've had it both ways. Leaving is going to make it infinitely harder on her AND your children. Arik, there' no pain like it. <P>I hope you'll reconsider. You should BOTH work a little bit on how you're handling this thing. At least think about it.<P>Most importantly, if you need us, or even think you might, come back. You're right, you've been criticized and lectured. But I just went and re-read a lot of your threads. You've also been supported, cheered on, listened to and hugged. Not a bad balance. Same one that MOST of us get.<P>So, we're here if you need to talk. Sounds like to me you've got some things you need to get off your chest and jointly posting here is making it hard. I can understand that. <P>But really think about it, ok? There's lots that can happen that you don't realize yet.<P>Momma

arik, if you think nicole is in pain now, you have NO IDEA how much WORSE it will get if you leave. trust me. my H has been gone a lot, and it is sheer HELL, for me and the kids.<BR>i know you want to do what is right, but i gotta tell you, that is not the right approach.<BR>i know no one can change your mind, but as an "abandoned" wife, it is my responsibility to tell you that the pain is WORSE than crushing, debilitating, and devastating.<BR>words cannot describe it, in fact.<BR>please spend the holidays realizing what a wonderful family you have and finding new ways to love them.

I have to agree with you on this one, LWB, my H moved out for 6 weeks and it was HELL! Every night I lay in bed wondering where he was and who he was with...UGH! <BR>Arik, you need to do whatever it is that will help you, that is the bottom line. But watch out, becasue what you think is best for you , might hurt you in the end. I trust you will make the best decision for you and your family. Hang tough. It ain't over yet!<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

Arik,<BR>If I thought you were a "bad guy" I wouldn't give you the time of day.<P>I think you are a decent guy caught up in a bad situation. In fact I believe that because of your basic decency, you just may feel that if you actually was able to betray your marriage, you must have had a good reason and it may be harder for you to believe that it is all one very big mistake, not an indicator of the love you have for your wife or the value of your marriage. A decent guy may also think if he fell in love with someone else, then it must be real or right. <P>I for one am not out to give you a hard time, my goal in posting is to get you to really look at your motivations and your logic....and to think. Sometimes it takes time to sort out, explore and clarify what you mean. Just because someone doesn't understand a post of yours the first time doesn't mean they will never understand. Sometimes just writing something and getting feedback can help clarify things in your own mind.<P>Of course everyone here wants your marriage to heal. We know your feelings are all over the place and your emotions are intense. If you could only make the commitment to work toward healing and toward a different set of feelings, and consistantly work toward that goal, your marriage could recover.<P>But you are unwilling to do that, and it is so sad to think of all the pain you are about to cause your family, the people that love you best.<P>Don't think for a moment you are doing Nicole any favors and certainly your leaving your children are not in their best interest. <P>I understand you have to do things your way and that "your way" is more important than the consequences at this point.<P>Support is available here. No one will tell you what you want to hear, but I don't think anyone takes the time to post just to give you a hard time.<P>I wish you well. Take care.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Arik,<P>Okay, from me to you:<P><B>YOU'RE MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE</B><P>Once you leave, it will be that much easier to stay away. What happened to the guy who posted, "I'm Home" all happy just a day ago. C'mon... be strong, you can do this!! I <B>know</B> how hard this is, <B>I DO</B> you know that, right? <P>This OW is a fantasy. You W is <B>for real</B> and she's sticking by you and trying so hard... again, Arik, I wish my H would have tried half as hard as your W is... that's all it would have taken for us to be "together" instead of him moving out! Give this thing a chance. Besides, it the holiday season... <P>What a terrible present!<P>You're not a bad guy. You are a confused guy. Take the advice that was given to me:<P><B>STOP - REST - WAIT - DO NOTHING</B><P>At least, TRY!!<P>~Sheryl<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited December 13, 1999).]

Arik,<P>You have made some tremendous PROGRESS here and don't even realize it!!1 <P>In your post you talk about your immature reactions - quick to anger and rash decision making. Don't you see that you have done a trmendous amount of work?????? 90% is being attunded to your personal weaknesses. We ALL have them, not just you!!!! <P>So, you've identified where you are weak. Just need to work on solidifying yourself in these areas. It will be a challenge for you for the rest of your life!!! But, if you are aware, and you ARE, it makes the challenge just a shade easier.<P>Your emotions are nutso right now and I certainly understand that. But, please don't underestimate how much progress you have personally made and how far you and Nicole have come as a couple.<P>Go ahead and take a break if you feel you must to get yourself on a more level plane. But, don't think all is hopeless here - it is far from that. It IS emotionally charged for sure, but definitely NOT hopeless!!!!!<P>Keep the faith and STILL pulling for you, Arik.....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Arik....Please reconsider what you are about to do. Don't leave Nicole or your family. YOU ARE MAKING A DECISION THAT YOU WILL REGRET.<P>My H did that a few times. He left a few times (overnight) to think. Problem is, I didn't know he was out there thinking. He didn't tell me he wasn't coming home. All I kept thinking about was that he was with OW. He kept reassuring me that he wasn't, but how am I supposed to believe anything he says when all his decisions were irrational?<P>If you go away, Nicole will be wondering (all the time), if you are with that OW. It will cause her & your family a lot of pain. It won't help your marriage at all. All it will do is complicate things even more.<P>You can't work out your problems alone. You & Nicole need to work on them together...that means living together too. Marital recovery takes a lot of work, and no one said it was going to be easy.<P>Really evaluate what you are about to do, and ask yourself if it will benefit the survival of your marriage.

Arik,<P>My H and I have been following yor story for a while now.<P>Can I tell you that I made the same mistake as you are about to make? And my coming back and leaving again was the behavior that H said hurt him the most. I'd come home, ready willing and able to try, but the next day, my heart would change.<P>What exactly was going on in my mind is still too difficult to try to explezin here, but everytime I did this to H, just when he thought his heart could not break anymore, I put another crack the size of the San Andreas Fault in it.<P>Arik, please don't do this to Nicole, please please please, do not leave her. If you need to stay away frm MB for awhile, so be it - I take breaks now and then too. When you feel ready to come back, we'll be here for you.<P>Khyra

Arik, don't know if you're still reading here but...<P>I did post to you last night, and I was in one horrible mood. Feeling terrible about what I had done to my H. You see, the OM lives about 20 minutes from my house, and my husband saw him at a sports goods store and every positive thing that we've experienced as far as healing goes was completely wasted last night. I cannot even believe that I put myself in this place, even though it's been over for a year. Little things keep on popping up, and it just never really goes away. So there was a little explanation on my not so nice post, and I'm sorry if I came across as harsh! <P>Please don't leave the house, it's not going to help your marriage, yourself, or your wife. You know the funny thing about problems (marriage, personality, etc. etc.), they don't stay where you've left them, they just keep on following you around....<P>Think about it. Have you always been this way, or have you made a major turnaround since this affair (in not the positive direction)? Make a self evaluation, really try to remember how you were before as opposed to now. I think that's what led me to a path of recovery, because I knew that just wasn't me. Be honest with yourself. <P>And remember separation is not such a good thing. You can work on yourself at home just as well as somewhere else.

Being a better Arik,<BR> <BR> Just get though the holidays and see what happens. Try and open your heart to your family and forget it happened, JUST for the holidays. You can lay off yourself for a while (that's my job) You can be a good man I sense it. Lean on God Arik, just try. GOOD LUCK FRANK <BR><P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Arik,<P>Hey, if you want someone to talk to re: withdrawal, or the hell of losing your OW or whatever, you can email me anytime at <B>airheart@home.com</B>. I can totally relate to what you're going through right now -- the turmoil you feel, not wanting to hurt your wife, etc. I know that.<P>--andy<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited December 14, 1999).]

Arik:<P>Before you leave, think about this:<P>For whom are you trying to make things easier?<P>The only thing it's going to do is make it easier for you to leave permanently. If that's what you REALLY want and have thought a lot about, then go ahead and do it. But, don't presume to believe it will make things easier on Nicole. Your leaving is a step toward divorce. It's not a permanent step, but it's a step in that direction. If you think that will make things easier on Nicole, then you're sadly mistaken.<P>Arik, if you don't deal with this NOW, then chances are you probably never will. Be a man and face up to it. I know it's hard. I wanted to kick my wife out for quite some time. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to get her "just desserts" for having an affair. I know Nicole does too.<P>But you both WILL get past that. If you just follow the MarriageBuilders plan, there IS an end in sight. Anyone can just give up. But, if you work through the hurt and the anger NOW, you will be rewarded later . . . and it will be SO worth it.<P>Don't leave.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited December 14, 1999).]