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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2
J
Junior Member
Junior Member
J Offline
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2
Dear Folks,
This message is posted to assist anyone - - male or female, in finding possible solutions to their marital problems. To do so, I am baring my soul as a man and being honest and open.
My wife and I are now in "recovery" after having had a rocky road for two-plus years. We are both putting forth concerted effort to find better, more effective ways to communicate and understand each other's unique human differences and needs that make us male and female.
I'm a writer. As such, effective communication is a natural part of the game - - but - - and this is so important - - "effective communication of data" is not the same as "effective communication of emotions."
This is a part of where I'd contributed to our marital problems the past two years.
In a nutshell, I was one of those husbands who came within an ace of seeking a lover outside my marriage. On one hand, I had reason to do so because in two-plus years, I'd made love to my wife only four or five times.
I turned 50 May 15th. I have always had a healthy sexual appetite. Even now that I'm officially a "codger in training", I could with no problem whatsoever, make love with my wife every day of the week, and if she desired, more than once a day. I don't say that to brag. I am simply "hardwired" that way.
You now see why I came as close to actually having a lover outside my mariage as one can get without culminating it. Has things gone on as they had, I would have.
And ladies, it isn't "just" about sex. For me, it was about the fact that my wife no longer wanted the intimate touching and feeling and romantic snuggling. This hurt me worse than you can ever imagine unless you've experienced it for yourself. I was no longer exciting or visually appealing to her (I thought at the time).
So being a man and having a "cave", I withdrew into myself...and tried to solve an emotional problem with "fix-it" logic.
It doesn't work.
So I sank further into horrible, aching loneliness, caught like a lost kitten in a dryer on a stuck spin cycle. There seemed no way out.
In the meantime, sexual frustration built to unbearable levels.
Solution?
It was time to seek a lover. Surely, I thought, there is at least one lonely lady out there who is hurting like me and at her wits end.
Well, of course there is. And I came very close to connecting with one, but...I got busted when my wife discovered a link on my PC.
You have to understand: I make my living in computing. I know all the tricks to keeping such things private.
But I didn't, and I believe that some part of me wanted to be discovered by my wife.
I was.
She was hurt.
I asked myself why she should even care, when she'd not made love to me more than five times in over two years.
But there's more to the story.
You see, my wife takes medication for depression. For many years, she'd taken Zoloft. And if you know anything about Zoloft, you KNOW that it may cause "sexual side-effects."
During those two-plus horrible, sexless years, I thought Zoloft had got their words wrong in their ad. Sexual side-effects? Try "Sexless side-effects!"
But looking back, our problems cannot be laid solely at the feet of a drug. Zoloft may have been a sliding-scale part of it, but that does not excuse the fact that my wife and I were not communicating in an effective manner and being sensitive to each other's primary needs. As time went on, we not only fell "off the wagon", but "off the cliff" and "out of the solar system" as well. Communications just flat shut down. And no: we did not fight.
My wife and I are recovering now. And the reason we are doing so is because we WANT our marriage to work.
Folks, it takes both people being willing to admit that they are part of a larger problem, swallow their respective prides, REALIZE THAT THEY DO NOT KNOW IT ALL, accept responsibility, be willing to change and grow, and become aware of their partner's very real needs.
I am currently reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." My wife is reading "His Needs, Her Needs." We will swap books after we're through.
We are doing FAR more than just reading. We are putting these things into practice - - fumblingly at first. But we know the methods will work if we open our hearts and minds, and WANT to make our marriage work.
And yes, my wife is taking anti-depressant drugs that are not supposed to have "sexual side-effects." She is dedicated and trying her best. She cares.
And so do I.
And ladies, sex may not be one of your top priorities, but it is a vital part of a man's well-beiing. I promise you: You cannot expect your husband to turn his back upon his hormonal hardwiring. If he is not satisfied, he will eventually break.
I did not cheat on my wife once or more in a two-plus year period of emotional hell that hurt me worse than you can imagine. Many men will not do that. My not doing it nearly led to my emotional ruin.
Happy indeed are the couple for which sex is indeed the "icing on their marital cake."
But before icing can be successfully applied, you have to have a "cake" built upon some very solid ingredients :-)<p>[ May 19, 2002: Message edited by: Quacker ]</p>

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 817
S
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 817
Dear Just me, thanks for your post, it is very honest. My H told me last week that he did not want to live with someone who had sex once a month. I can understand his hurt from our situation and I believe what you have said here is basically how he felt in our marriage. My 'not wanting him' was more than just sexual frustration for him it was me saying 'I don't love you'. No matter how many times I cooked a great dinner or spent time with him or ran round making what I thought was a good marriage, whenever he approached me and I rejected him I said 'I don't love you'. In the end he gave up, who wouldn't? Rejection isn't much fun.<p>Had I understood this maybe I would have done something sooner. Unfortunately, I was either too ignorant, too arrogant or just not ready to learn that not everyone expresses love the same way I do. You are right that men and women think differently, but we all have needs and will seek other sources of fulfilling them if they are not met by the one we have committed to. When we took our vows I promised to love and protect, looking back I have not done such a good job. <p>My H had an affair and I was forced to look at myself. To me there was no other option than to look at myself. I cannot blame him completely, I know I have not been the perfect wife that I wanted to be. The (un)funny thing is, I've found out that sex is important to me too. I enjoy it, it makes me feel good, but I need variety and fun. I was harboring resentments and unconsciously saying 'well if you don't do it my way, we won't do it'. In stepped OW...<p>I support you in what you say. I have allowed myself the freedom from my mum and dad telling me that men are after one thing, the freedom from my Catholic upbringing saying 'sex is bad' and the freedom from condemning people telling me I can't express who I am because of their insecurity. I have claimed my sexuality and will never deny it again. <p>[ May 19, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]<p>[ May 19, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
T
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
Just_Me <p>I'm glad that you and your W are finally communicating and taking care of each others needs, but let's remember that an A is not really an answer to a problem, it's a bigger problem added to an existing problem, somewhat to what some people do when using drugs and alcohol to escape rather than dealing with a problem head on.<p>What I would like to see is that before adults get married, they are offered classes in how to communicate to each other what their most important emotional needs are and how to meet them AND anger management classes so that they never let their anger control them and cause serious physical and emotional damage to the person they love. And for parents of high schoolers and their local schools to teach them the above classes by making them mandatory. I beleive that it could save a lot of sorrow in the future of young peoples lives.<p>Joe


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